#8 HOW TO SAVE A LIFE
In the meanwhile, Hadrian was standing in front of Julius. The emperor was tired and disappointed. He went two steps aside, then, he came back. He was indecisive. He analysed something. His left eye brow trembled nervously. His eye lid shivered, too.
Julius was standing not so straight anymore, but he didn't move in any way. His eyes followed the emperor. As Hadrian stopped, Julius looked to Pompeius, who stood and smiled in the crooked way. Pompeius was waiting for an order and his soldiers, who filled the rest of the room, cut off any escape possibility.
-You won't harm a member of the Roman senate. - Julius said calmly, but insecure. - You will be so far beyond “apologise”... - It was supposed to sound threatening, but it simply didn't. Julius's tone was without any power. It was squeaky, insecure.
A longer moment of silence passed by and Hadrian was still visibly gloomy.
-You won't lose your life. You won't lose your mint. - As he started talking, he spluttered minimally. If he controlled himself better, he wouldn't have snorted at all. He stepped back shortly and it was visible that he struggled with himself, even if his expression didn't change a lot. He grunted once and finally continued. His voice was calm and friendly again.
-My father's father spoke often about an advisor to emperor Nero, the last of the Julio-Claudian emperors. It was a man, who was born, similarly to me, in Hispania. His family came from the area further east towards Illyria. His older brother, Gallio, became proconsul in the Roman province of Achaea. It was Seneca the Elder. He was caught up in the aftermath of the Pisonian conspiracy, a plot to kill the emperor Nero. It was unlikely that Seneca conspired, but he was ordered by Nero to kill himself. Seneca followed tradition by severing several veins in order to bleed to death, and his wife Pompeia Paulina attempted to share his fate. Do you know what his last words were?
Julius looked at the emperor insecurely, because he didn't know in which direction this was going. Pompeius stepped closer to be able to better listen to Hadrian's words. Apparently, it was common that the emperor told stories worth knowing.
Hadrian smiled to his memories as he started quoting:
Virtuous friends, death now or hereafter
Is immaterial. We live, we die.
We may laugh in poverty; in wealth, cry.
The wind erases all our tears or laughter.
Death crushes him only who, despite fame,
Does not know himself, nor accepts his faults
Or the worthlessness of that on which he dotes.
But he who is humble dies without blame.
Then, he gazed directly into Julius's eyes.
-Every kind of action brings consequences and time discovers truth. Sometimes, it takes a day, sometimes years, but the truth appears, even after years, even after our death. If we are lucky, we expose the positive and negative riddles in our lifetime... But you are not Seneca.
-I am not Seneca. - Julius agreed with doubts in his eyes.
Pompeius followed Julius's shivering voice.
-And you are not humble. - Hadrian said emphasised.
Julius kept silent. Pompeius followed Julius's trembling fingers.
-And you are not without blame. - The emperor marked.
Julius's lips moved chaotically. His throat was dry and his heart was beating quickly. The soldiers around him could remind of a family of orcas off the Antarctic Peninsula. Sometimes the mammals set their eyes on seals resting on a sheet of ice. The orcas move united towards the sheet of ice and influence the movements of the water to make the seal slip into the depth of the cold, dangerous ocean. It is an incredible example of solidarity, the same kind of united, trained actions. The legionnaires moved coherently and slowly. The distance between them and Julius became smaller. His fear grew and his heartbeat was crazy. The veins on his head appeared and his Adam's apple moved chaotically. Marcus Lucius's mother watched the scene with increasing disgust.
-You already ordered to kill someone, but you never saw any execution with your own eyes, right? - Pompeius asked her and stepped closer into her direction. She trembled unpleasantly and stepped a bit back on impulse.
-Will you kill him? - She asked trying to sound stronger than she felt.
Pompeius looked to the emperor, who sat down in his chair and watched everything from the distance. Hadrian's face showed no emotions. He thought about something than followed the action happening directly in front of him. His eyes were focussed on a point beyond the room. It made the impression that every decision was already made and that Pompeius was just the right hand to fulfil the already given orders. There was apparently no space to modify the plan.
-I won't. I never killed anyone. - Marcus Lucius's mother answered like an iron lady.
-We know that you ordered to kill your son's wife. Unfortunate for you, the soldier you chose for that mission extended your plan to the attempt of killing your son, too.
Marcus Lucius's mother was shocked. For the very first time, Pompeius noticed a real, spontaneous reaction in her eyes. It wasn't an artificial surprised look, but serious disgust.
-My son is alive. - She said calmly after she swallowed the bitter pill of inconvenient truth.
-He is alive just due to his skills.
-I did what every mother would do for her own child. I tried to protect him, to give him what his status requires. Will you kill me tonight as well? I achieved what I wanted and it doesn't matter what happens to me now. - She sounded cold, but rational. She was indeed convinced she did the right move and that her mission ended successfully. Her son was de facto alive and married to a woman from a known family. The only shadow was the fact that Julia’s father was going to die. However, his death would be announced probably as a bad accident, a consequence of an ambush or the endeavour of long travel. Nobody was interested in spreading the news that Julius was a traitor and killed a noble, respected man. It wouldn't be good for the empire to support rumours about betrayal within the own ranks of soldiers. The legionnaires gathered in the room weren't a wide mass, but a special, limited group of personal guards of the emperor and of Pompeius.
Pompeius turned to Julius and after a short wink to his legionnaires, four soldiers stepped out of the line and grasped for Julius. As the man wasn't able to move any, although he tried to free himself, Pompeius came closer and looked Julius in the eyes.
-We've noticed that you don't care much about your family members or about values like honour. However, we've noticed what's important for you. We won't take you off the office of the senator of Rome. No, we won't. - Pompeius seemed to savour the moment. He was like a hangman, who already fevers looking at the victims coming closer to the block.
Julius watched Pompeius's face and a shadow of a smile appeared in his relieved eyes. He apparently saw a sparkle of hope at the end of the tunnel.
-Regarding your words and actions, regarding the common wealth and the basic rules of the empire, we have decided that you might just live your miserable life out. You will keep your freedom of speech as the Roman senator.
Julius breathed relieved. Pompeius didn't walk away. On the contrary, he came closer to Julius and looked him deeper in the eyes. There were just centimetres between them and the tension increased again. In that moment, a soldier standing behind Pompeius's back brought an extremely sharp knife. Pompeius took it and before Julius could react, Pompeius began to cut out the left eye. Julius screamed like an animal and tried to free himself, but the pressure of the soldiers was so strong that it was impossible to even move a centimetre in any direction. With a trained movement, Pompeius cut the eye ball out and before any resistance could follow, he managed to cut out the right eye as well. It was obvious that he didn't do it for the very first time. The procedure didn't take long. As he finished, another soldier brought a patch that Pompeius linked around Julius's head.
-You can talk as much as you wish, but you won't ever again be sure who is listening to you. - Pompeius added coldly and stepped away. As he was some me
ters away from Julius, he ordered his soldiers to step back as well. Julius used the moment and caught his head with his arms. He was incapable to scream. Overwhelmed by the amount of emotions, he was stock-still like a dead man. He tried to take off the patch, but his moves were insecure. He went a step to the right, then a step back. His legs shivered. His fingers trembled.
-With all respect, I wouldn't advise you to fumble with your fingers. It will take longer to heal, then. - Pompeius added, looking to the emperor.
Hadrian shivered shortly as if he just woke up. He scratched his forehead and after a short view into the round, he stood up and left the room without any good-bye. His moves were fast, automatic, he looked tired and sleepy. Julius moved hastily. He groaned and begun to curse quietly. He turned a couple of times helplessly and nobody knew what he wanted to do next.
Pompeius looked at his soldiers and nodded once in a predefined gesture. Marcus Lucius's mother didn't know what she should make of that gesture. She watched Pompeius following the emperor and disappearing. She looked around and ignored Julius’s hectic movements. She wasn't sure what would happen with her and the uncertainty was killing her softly. Her eyebrows trembled and the facade she had built over the years was rather a jumble than a solid construction. The tears came up, but not due to her helplessness, but due to her anger and disappointment. She wasn't used to feel weak and incoherent.
Pompeius's guards stayed as they had been ordered to watch Julius. They didn't look aggressive or insatiable anymore, rather like dignified predators resting after a successful hunt for antelopes, gazelles or a buffalo. You still see the blood traces on their bodies, but they aren't in the mood to hurt anyone. Although still armoured, they looked so peaceful that nobody would ever believe that they could harm even a fly. They kept a proper, relaxed distance to both civilians.
Marcus Lucius's mother stunned furthermore, and she needed an answer. She ran after Pompeius and screamed choked:
-Wait! Wait! What about me?!
Hadrian, who was almost at the end of the corridor, ignored her and kept walking away dynamically. He disappeared around the corner and she heard a rustle of armour of his soldiers, who would definitely block any access to the emperor. Pompeius stopped and turned to her. He seemed to be irritated, too.
-What about you? - He repeated with contempt. His voice echoed in the hallway. - What should be with you?
She flagged down surprised and couldn't find a word for an answer. She felt overwhelmed by the uncontrolled outbreak of Pompeius's rage. She thought whether she should play charming and feminine, but she wasn't sure how much it would help. She decided quickly to show her strong side again. She straightened her body and stood proudly. Her voice was independent and confident again:
-What punishment do I get?
-You achieved what you wanted, so why do you care about your future now? - Pompeius wasn't friendly anymore. - Are you not satisfied with what you've achieved?
She denied with the head, but didn't dare to add anything. She knew that she could expect ignorance only from the ruling group. It was more than she apprehended. She knew when to control her defiant attitude.
-Marcus Lucius knows everything you have done. Live with it. - Pompeius added quickly. He stepped closer to her as if he was fascinated by the woman standing in front of him. His eyes tried to find answers to his unspoken questions. He held his breath in his lungs and his lips moved shortly as if he wanted to say something, but in the end, he kept silent. He shook his head and turned away. She didn't try to stop him anymore. She stood in the hallway and watched him turning right at the end of the corridor.
Julius sat down on the floor and felt not only alone, but deprived of his dignity. Any financial punishment or even a death sentence would have been better than being maimed for life. He was angry and disappointed. He took off the eye patch, but it didn't change anything. The pain was overwhelming and extended from his eyes into his head. Everything pulsated and if he was able to see, the entire world would be turning around dramatically. He felt the blood smell on his fingers and it was lousy, nasty and deeply disgusting.
In the meanwhile, Julia lay happily in Marcus Lucius’s arms. He hugged her and slept deeply. His strong, relaxed arms were warm and gave her a feeling of stability. They were like a promise of being protected no matter what would happen. She remembered how Marcus Lucius tried to keep her close during the entire evening and how he managed to calm her down.
She wasn't able to fall asleep at all. She thought about everything that had happened. She was sorrowed how her father would be punished and she knew that she wasn't allowed to influence anything. The promise of no death penalty was already a big matter for her. It meant that her father was supposed to live. She tried to understand which reasons he followed as he acted against Marcus Lucius's father. Julius had become senator like his father. It was more or less obvious that he liked wearing the distinguished, oblong stripe of purple sewed to the front of the gown, and black buskins reaching to the middle of the leg, with the letter C in silver on the top of the foot. He enjoyed getting a particular place at public spectacles, next to the stage or arena. He preened himself in a trained way.
Julia remembered how he enjoyed any moment of attention smiling here and there. She thought he was a very friendly, open person and that he helped anyone, who came to him to get advice or support. She was convinced that he was the greatest and the best man in the world. He was her hero and everything that Julia had heard about him during the evening seemed to be so improbable that she couldn't believe it. Even considering all the doubts and accusations she had in her mind after getting married with Maxentius, she wasn't able to acknowledge that there was so much badness in her father. The fall of her personal myth was standing in front of an edge of her mind and just a few minutes were separating it from the plummet collapse. It was crushing and it hurt a lot. The smashed reality slid imprudently, and created permanently brutal thoughts. She would go crazy, if she wasn’t hugged by Marcus Lucius. The warm, strong pressure of his body proved that she was still alive and that she was close to him. She needed this to feel good vibrations. She breathed slowly, almost too slow, as if her body started to rest and push away the future. She wished make this moment last forever. She could stay captured in that situation, because she was scared that an unpleasant surprise was already waiting for her. She knew that her father would get punished, but she didn’t have a clue how the punishment would look like. She was sure that any bad issue that would hit her father, would also influence her own nature.
Marcus Lucius breathed deeply, calmly. He felt apparently safe and good. She wondered how he could keep cool in such a moment. She shivered nervously. He woke up, turned her face to him and looked in her eyes.
-Are you fine? - He asked quietly and with perceptible sorrow in his voice. In the dimmed, limited light coming from the fire place
Julia's lips trembled and an internal storm was showing its first presages. Her disturbance influenced him negatively. He needed a moment to gather himself. He stroked her head and kissed her cheek to convey some peace. It helped a little, but not completely. He was not absolutely awake, but he tried to derive a solution or explanation. Confused he observed how the tears came out of her eyes. She cried and he had no idea what caused the mood alteration. He clasped her tighter stroking her more intensively. He wasn't sure whether she would fall apart due to his acutely touch.
-What is going on? - He asked insecurely.
She wanted to answer. However, she couldn’t, because she was full of emotions she couldn't define. All the tension of the last days was wearing off and she was full of too many doubts and reliefs that she couldn't handle anymore. She broke apart and she wasn't able to prevent this collapse. She laid her hands on Marcus Lucius's chest and tried to hide her face in front of him. She felt ashamed for her breakdown. She was not able to speak a word. Her throat was dry and somewhat blocked. Marcus Lucius let her cry and kept stroking her, because she didn't oppose to it. Her warm
, trembling body felt good, but also scary. He wasn’t used to women crying. Facing the dangers on the battle field or the jeopardy behind his back during the last weeks, he was able to treat it all reasonably. The emotional, less logical side of Julia was too much to take easily. There was no classic example or manual how to deal with it. He assumed that it was important to confirm his proximity, but not to ask anything. She had to calm down in the way that helped her most. He was just a companion by her side. Although he would have liked to fall asleep, he was not able to take a nap, if she was so shaken.
The next morning came closer and Marcus Lucius knew that there was not much time anymore to cheer Julia up. Fortunately, he wasn't forced to hasten her to calm down. After a short, but intensive breakdown, she started breathing deeper and longer. She regulated herself better than he expected. He kissed her hair and waited until her shivering fingers calmed down. Then he stroked her chin and forced her gently to look him directly in the eyes. He wasn't sure whether it made sense to ask her anything. Her eyes were red and still wet, but she didn't cry anymore.
-You have to go. - She whispered. Her voice trembled.
She stood up dynamically while she covered her body with linen. Then, she helped him to get dressed and in a moment, she was sure, he didn't look at her, she wiped off the rest of her tears that still stayed meanly fixed on her cheeks. She sniffed a couple of times and wished that he didn't realize it. He noticed that she wanted to stay invisible, so he pretended not to see what she tried to cover. He smiled because of her less successful attempts. As she stood close to him, he fondled her naked arms gently and she got goose pimples. He smiled brighter and dirtily like Nerva did sometimes.
-Should I go with you? - She asked.
-Please stay here for a moment. I'll send Nerva and he'll bring you then.
Marcus Lucius didn't want her to be surprised negatively and wished to see what the current situation was to be able to prepare Julia for the bad news. He knew that Nerva was going to come back from the camp to dismiss in front of the emperor. It was already set that Nerva should stay in Eboracum to support Marcus Lucius with the new and old tasks. The rest of Appius's soldiers were by Appius’s side.
Julia nodded, but she wasn't happy with this polite refusal. She was ready to obey, which her entire body clearly communicated. She let him leave and before he left, he kissed her briefly, but intimately. With dynamic, relieved steps, he went through the halls of the villa and stepped by the lobby room. He wanted to be sure that the fireplace was burning powerfully enough to keep everybody warm. He already noticed that it was raining outside and he wanted to bring everybody into a room, where they could air-dry themselves after the ride from the camp. As he stepped in the lobby, he noticed two soldiers dozing on chairs. In front of them, Julius was sitting on the floor. Marcus Lucius saw that Julius wore a band on his head. It showed some blood traces and covered his eyes. There also was dried blood that seemed to have been dripping from his eyes to the ground. Marcus Lucius instantly recognized what kind of punishment Julius had received and he was relieved he wasn't involved in performing the penalty. Even more relieving was the thought that Julia didn't see it directly.
Marcus Lucius made two steps forwards and looked to the soldiers. They woke up and stood up automatically. When they recognized Marcus Lucius, they stood easy again and waited for his reaction. He saluted shortly, less officially. They moved their heads to confirm the welcoming gesture and sat down again. Julius noticed that something had changed in the room, so he moved chaotically, but didn't stand up. With his hands, he tried to feel the nearest floor pieces around him. Marcus Lucius wasn't sure whether it made him feel good or commiserating to look at Julius. It was somewhat weird. He was more annoyed and scared that Julia would find out sooner or later. If she didn’t meet her father, she would be totally convinced that he was killed. If she saw him injured, she would be sad. One way or another, it wouldn't be easy to bring her in the loop at any time.
Marcus Lucius looked to the window and turned back. He left the room without saying a word. He quietly told the slaves to put more wood onto the fire. Two male servants moved inconspicuously. Then, Marcus Lucius went to the yard. There, he waited for the emperor to come. Marcus Lucius knew that Hadrian used to stay in the visited camps over night to be closer to his soldiers.
It was cold, dark and rainy. His hair got wet and started gluing to his head. The rain drops flowed down his forehead, nose, cheeks and chin. He didn't leave, because he could already hear the hooves of horses outside. The tumult echoed in the woods, but he could not see anything yet. The night wasn't over yet, but the first sun rays weren’t far away either. At the gate, the torches were burning lazily, a bit muffled by the rain. Their light was not strong enough to enlighten the surrounding properly.
Finally the horses appeared at the gate that had been opened for the visitors since Marcus Lucius stepped to the yard. The riders came hastily and Marcus Lucius stretched out his arm to take the rein of Hadrian's horse. With the left hand, he grasped for Pompeius's rein. Both men looked grateful. Behind them, Nerva jumped off his horse and if he had more courage, he would have welcomed Marcus Lucius more brotherly than just by a short backslapping.
As Hadrian and Pompeius stood next to Marcus Lucius, stable lads stepped shyly closer and took over the reins from Marcus Lucius. More soldiers already stood next to their horses and waited for the boys that took care of the animals. All horses were brought to the stable and the men went to the villa.
As Hadrian stepped into the lobby, Julius noticed the fresh, wet air that came in with them dynamically filling the space with coldness. He was still sitting down and tried to get up carefully. He steadied himself on his hands and arms, but his legs were shaky. Before he fell to the ground again, Marcus Lucius was next to him. He supported Julia's father with a consequent and strong grasp. Julius wondered who his helper was, so he opened his mouth and automatically, he tried to touch the person next to him. Moved his head and his body Marcus Lucius tried to avoid any touch of Julius’s trembling hand except holding his right arm.
Hadrian observed this and smiled minimally. Pompeius yawned a couple of times. He apparently didn’t feel comfortable. The soldiers stood calmly, but it was clear that they could intervene at any time like killer whales. These distinguished marine predators that are one of the fastest sea mammals, lived in large groups and could attack in a coordinated clever way to catch their prey.
Marcus Lucius wasn't scared, but he felt Julius’s anxiety. Julia's father was insecure and tried to find out what was happening around him. Hadrian ordered very quietly to take him away.
-Do you have any room here, where he could rest? - The emperor asked Marcus Lucius directly.
-You can use any room you wish, but please do not disturb Julia now.
Hadrian perceived the sorrow in Marcus Lucius's voice, even though Marcus Lucius tried to control his emotions. His polite, friendly expression didn't betray him. The emperor respected it and watched how two of his soldiers went to Julius and steadied the older man. Before they left the room, Hadrian showed with a gesture to stop in front of him. He wanted to say a last word to the man, who had caused so much problems over the years.
-You should have killed me, emperor. You could show your mercy and kill me. - Julius said with a rasping voice. He assumed that he was put in front of the important commander.
-You know that you are alive just because of your daughter. I didn't intend to punish her. I intended to punish you in a way she can live with.
-What is she worth then? - Julius moved his head away from the emperor, whose voice proved that Hadrian was just some steps away. Instead, Julius tried to reach someone else. He asked with an ironic, unfriendly smile.
-For some maybe nothing... For me, everything. - Marcus Lucius answered after he stepped closer to Julius.
Julius laughed crazily. He couldn't stop for a moment. Hadrian stood with mixed feelings. Pompeius woke up and squeezed his eyes. He didn't approve o
f Julius’s outbreak. Marcus Lucius was curious and the soldiers around them waited for an order.
-The merciful emperor found out your biggest weakness and as long as you play according to his rules and wishes, you won't lose what is most important to you. He plays with you as he played with me for years. You are stupid as I was. You are a fool of love and you will be punished for it one day.
Marcus Lucius's face didn't change. Hadrian moved his head to bring away the old man and Pompeius yawned again. Julius almost throttled from laughing and his disharmonic voice echoed in the hallway. Hadrian waited another moment, before he ordered everyone to leave the room.
-You stay. - Hadrian said to Marcus Lucius, while Pompeius was trailing after the legionnaires.
Hadrian sat down on the chair and looked around. Gazing at the blood drops on the floor he sighed. Then, he talked slowly, with a specific, sentimental tone:
-You already know that I know that Julia is the most important person in your world. You already made your decision. I didn't kill her father, because it would harm her. What you don't know is that I know Julia for a longer while. It wasn't just a favour for you. - Hadrian smiled sadly. - She was meant to be my wife.
Then, Hadrian told a story that Marcus Lucius took with mixed emotions and a stony face expression. Hadrian told how he had travelled with Appius. It was years before that day and years after Maximus's death. Appius was still grieving and searching for revenge. Hadrian admired Appius for his professional soldierly manners and skills. Hadrian wished to become such a man. The only sorrow was that Appius's mind was occupied with negative thoughts. Appius was focussed on revenge. Even after a couple of years had passed by since his best friend died in Dacia, Appius was still not completely calm. Hadrian wondered about the issue maintained carefully in the soldier's heart for so long. Hadrian wished to contribute to solving the riddle about Maximus's death. Appius was sure that Maximus didn't die just for the sake of it. Every now and then, Appius found a further proof for his theory and discussed it with Hadrian. At that time, Hadrian was just a legionnaire, a maternal cousin of the emperor Trajan, who had sent him to Appius, the best trainer of the empire.
-Once, Julius invited us to his villa in Naples where I met Julia. She was a very smart, brave girl. I was expected to marry a girl from a proper family and the family of Julius was a proper one. You know the dilemma. You had enough courage to go against socially recognized rules. I didn’t have enough courage to refuse or to confirm anything, so I backtracked. I lied to me that I let the little girl stay the little girl, but I left her alone instead. Maybe I was just not ready and therefore, I decided to step back and ride away from Appius, who stayed with Julius for a couple of weeks. As I wanted to return, the situation had changed completely. The more I wanted to return to my little friend, the more complicated it became. I discovered some threads that led me to Julius and it made it impossible for me to marry Julia. However, I still had her in my mind and I wished to save her. As I became emperor, I tried to find her, but she was already taken. It was my personal wish to rectify my misdeed. As you can see, it was not only a favour for you. Knowing that she is with you makes me feel better. A clear conscience gives strength.
Marcus Lucius sat down next to the emperor. In that moment, he wasn’t the most influential man in the empire, but a man, who tried to follow the right track. Marcus Lucius understood that the situation here was more complicated for Hadrian than it seemed to be up to that moment. Marcus Lucius nodded silently and tried to coordinate his thoughts into the right direction.
-If I ever get disappointed by you as her husband, I will think about a proper punishment. You can bet your life on it! - Hadrian sounded serious, even if his tone stayed polite.
-You won't. - Marcus Lucius said.
-What you don't know you can feel somehow. And I am feeling that you're ok. - Hadrian smiled sadly as if he had never given up the hope to be close to his little, brave friend and as if he had just realised it, as if it had just hit him. However, he sounded also like a man who knew he could leave his little, brave friend here, because she wasn't alone and unprotected anymore. He hawked and quickly started a new topic to show that the old one was closed.
-Appius told me about your plan to build a wall here, as a visible border for all strangers and, as you call them, men from the North. I've heard you already have discussed the details with Pompeius.
-Yes, we did that lately. - Marcus Lucius confirmed shortly.
-Good. Pompeius will represent me here as the governor and you obey directly to his orders. I will come back here and see how you handle it in practice. - Hadrian said.
Marcus Lucius knew that it wasn't just about checking the future state of the wall. Marcus Lucius could finally understand why the emperor had a soft spot for Julia.
-Any time you wish... - Marcus Lucius answered.
Hadrian stood up and Marcus Lucius followed.
-Do you wish to bid her goodbye? - Marcus Lucius asked quietly.
The emperor turned to Marcus Lucius and slapped his back fatherly.
-You take care of her and let me be the bad character she can blame for everything. - His voice didn't tremble, but conveyed a tragic tone.
-With all due respect, I think you underestimate her. She can take more than you assume.
-Do you think so? - Hadrian seemed to be curious or fascinated.
Marcus Lucius nodded.
-No, let it be. - Hadrian sighed. - I want to remember the last time I saw her. She was smiling, and even if it wasn't the biggest, happiest smile, her eyes showed me that she felt comfortable and pleased with the situation. Tell her whatever she can take or whatever is good for her. Don't dine and wine Julius for too long, as well. I'm expecting him in the senate soon.
Marcus Lucius nodded with understanding. Then, he accompanied the emperor to the yard and looked how the group of soldiers left without saying a word. It was obvious they were a good team acting in a coordinated way not for the very first time. Everything was prepared only waiting for the emperor. The flag with the golden eagle and the spears shone wonderfully in the glorious, red-tainted light of the morning. The horses stood patiently and whinnied every now waiting for a sign to gallop. The stable boys stood some meters away from the saddled group of soldiers. The eyes of boys were full with deep respect and stunning admiration. The eyes of the soldiers were full with curious sparkles as if they were already up for another adventure.
Pompeius didn't salute, but limited himself to a quick, incomplete, but respectful bow. His head was covered by a solid helmet that allowed just eye contact. The tumult of hooves echoed shortly and the sun was already minimally visible over the woods. The rain stopped, but the coldness spiked itself into the air. Spring was known as a period of mixed weather.
Marcus Lucius turned back and before he reached the villa, Julia ran out of the building. Nerva followed her without a real strain.
-Are they gone? - She asked loudly.
-Yes, they're gone.
-I thought they will at least say a good-bye or eat a breakfast... - She added not so loud as before, because she already stood next to Marcus Lucius.
-I think they have a long way ahead. They want to use the daylight to travel. - Marcus Lucius explained.
Nerva looked in Marcus Lucius's eyes for an order that shouldn’t be spoken aloud in Julia's presence. Before anything could be communicated, Julia asked:
-What about my father. He is here, right?
-Yes, but he will leave us soon. He's expected to come back to his obligations as the senator.
Julia looked with suspicions. Marcus Lucius knew that it won't be easy to tell her what had happened to her father. He wasn't able to foresee that Julius would laugh crazily for almost a week and that he would stop talking after all. Marcus Lucius didn't know that she would feel humbled and overwhelmed long after her father would have left Britannia. However, he assumed that it would be easier for him to ignore his mother. He promised himself not to exchange another w
ord with his female parent and he kept his promise. When Julia asked him a couple of times to forgive the sins of the past, he answered that he indeed forgave her, but he didn't forget what she had done. Julia wasn't able to convince him to move on. Marcus Lucius knew that Nerva could calm down Julia in another, but also efficient way. It was important for him to know when he left his wife to control and check the progress of his new project. He involved the locals into the plans and he was the person to improve the equation of success.
During the next months, Marcus Lucius was simply happy. He had the perfect time of his life. Then, he was often away from Eboracum. He had to plan and supervise building the defensive fortification that was later known as Vallum Aelium, Hadrian's Wall. It was the most heavily fortified border in the Empire that separated the Romans from the barbarians and reflected the power of Rome.
Sometimes when he travelled through Britannia, he took Julia with him, like the very first time. They admired the landscape that was tremendously beautiful in a simple, grit way. Within the following six years that were needed to complete the project, Julia got pregnant twice, but even these months of limitation didn't derogate her charm and peaceful soul. Everything seemed to be normal and they could collect a lot of wonderful, happy moments. It was very easy to get used to the new, gorgeous time. Marcus Lucius didn't hadn’t expected that family life could bring so much mirth and accomplishment. It was too good to be true. It was like living a world of endlessly happy, regardless, reckless gods.
Nobody knows how much time we have to be with the people we love and every happy moment is compensated with bad experiences. As Julia was pregnant for the third time, she got sick and with every further day, she was losing her vitality. Her eyes usually full of love and energy became dashed and her breath became weaker with every further day she could experience. Marcus Lucius spent almost all of his time next to her bad stroking her arm. He tried to look strong and tried to control his face as far as possible. He smiled but in the moments Julia was too weak to open her eyes his cheeks trembled. The situation got worse with every hour. Even the medico wasn't able to stop the bleeding. Marcus Lucius wasn't touched when she lost the third baby. But losing his wife affected him badly. The world didn't make sense anymore. The fullness of spring brought warm air and dainty green shades to the trees and some colourful spots on the meadows. The more life spread in the world the less energy Julia had. She didn't complain, but she also didn't speak, because her tone would betray how painful her existence was. Her only wish was to take care of her family.
-You are the son of a great warrior. You are the brother of your soldiers and father of my children. You still have obligations to fulfil in this life. I am ready... You have to be ready to let me go...
Before she died, she forced him to promise her three things. She seemed to have collected all her energy to say the words hidden in her heart. Marcus Lucius promised not to kill Nerva for giving her special herbals that ended pain and life.
-You wouldn't be able to serve it to me, even if I would beg you for days. - She whispered and tried to grin.
Marcus Lucius's cheek trembled stronger. He was supposed to take care about everybody who was important to her, even without her by his side. He had to promise not to follow her too quickly. He shouldn't hasten to overstep the border between life and death, although this was his only wish in that days. And he was supposed to kiss her. She didn't expect him to say anything. She already knew everything she needed to know and wanted to know. Some sentences weren't unpronounceable, but unnecessary.
He didn't push her at all as he lay down carefully next to her. He held her in his arms like he did often before. He whispered the lines she used to declaim as he was wounded badly. She smiled, because she understood that he had listened to her more often than she thought. His shivering fingers stroked her inert body. In the night that followed, she died quietly, almost not perceptible. Marcus Lucius didn't get the moment, when she stepped away to the gods of the Underworld and the dead souls. His imploded scream echoed between the walls of his heart and it tore him up internally. Never before, he felt that way and all the black days he experienced earlier were nothing compared to that moment.
Marcus Lucius lay at least three further days with her in the bed before Nerva threw him out of the room. Pompeius came to supervise the yard where the children played cheerfully, unconcerned, and where Marcus Lucius sat motionless on a stone. Julia's body was placed on the ground, washed, and anointed by Nerva. He also put the Charon's obol in her mouth. Marcus Lucius wasn't present when the body was burned at a special stack of wood. Pompeius said the last goodbye. Nerva took over the supervision of the children. The little, three years old boy and his almost five years old sister enjoyed playing with uncle Nerva. As the vivid fire burnt, they hugged Nerva's legs and trembled with uncertainty in their eyes. They looked for the adrift Marcus Lucius. He wasn't anywhere in sight. On the next day Nerva took the ashes and spread them into all quarters of the Earth. Pompeius accompanied him with silence. As the news reached the emperor, he spent an entire day alone. Appius wasn't able to hear it. He fell on a battlefield as he wished, like his best friend years before.
Nobody knew where Marcus Lucius was. He had left the villa on his horse before Julia's burial started late in the evening. He was lost for more than twenty days. When he came back, he looked like a wild bear with raving eyes and unsettled moves. He never again mentioned a word about Julia. The world was still alive, even without her, but for him, nothing was the same again as it was while her heart was still beating. His smile was never as bright as it had been before. His touch was never as gentle as it had been in the past. His look was dashed like a dimmed light of candles. His heart had a hole the size of a black hole of stellar mass expected to form when very massive stars collapse at the end of their life cycle.
Life had still a meaning, but it lost its colours. It became rather grey than black and white. The only sparkles that brought some more light into it were the moments, when his children were happy or successful, or when he realized how brotherly the relationship with Nerva became. These were brief outbreaks of powerful reality. Life goals like a career had already lost their less favourable position. When Pompeius and many soldiers got killed in the battle of Jarrow to pay for the hard-won victory, Marcus Lucius didn't accept a promotion. He limited himself to be a good, reliable soldier, an attentive teacher and a proper camp commander. He observed the old soldiers returning home to other parts of the empire and fresh motivated beginners being sent to him to make men out of them. They watched him with visible admiration in their eyes and wished to see more than just dashed, calm eyes. Some very old soldiers told stories about Marcus Lucius's warmth and joy from the old times. Everyone wished to see that a sparkle of his fulfilled satisfaction again.
Life went on and it hurt more, the more he tried to live following the promises he gave Julia. It was impossible to get back to the unbearable lightness of being. The happy ending passed by as you pass a stranger on your way. His immortal abolition sneaked up slowly during the years that passed by. He got a kind, good death during his sleep. He was burnt directly in the same place where Julia was burnt. His daughter stood next to Nerva and she kissed Marcus Lucius goodbye. She hugged Nerva. They got married after she reached the proper age. She smiled the same way her mother did and Marcus Lucius used to observe her with a special kind of cheerful sadness sometimes. Nerva loved her from the moment she was born and at her side, he understood what Marcus Lucius was missing. Their wedding ceremony was limited to just a few guests. Marcus Lucius approved the marriage without a shadow of doubt.
Marcus Lucius's son was sent to Hadrian when he reached the proper age to join the army. He was skilled the same way as his father. Marcus Lucius taught him a lot of practical moves and tricks. Hadrian used to say that Maximus's genes allowed his male descendants to move in that cat-like, light way. However, he inherited the charisma of his father combined with charm of his mother. There was no person who would
n't like him. Like Julia, he could convey a peaceful atmosphere.
Not everyone remembers the eruption of Mount Pelée. Even less people remember the eruption of the almost perfectly symmetric Mayon Volcano. Nobody remembers the story of Marcus Lucius today, but some few, who study Ancient history, know the story of Hadrian, the third of the so-called Five Good Emperors and his impressive fortification that has been dismantled partially over the years to use the stones for various nearby construction projects. Today it belongs to the UNESCO World Heritage, rescued in the 19th century by John Clayton, a man, who warned emphatically about the destruction by quarrying. Marcus Lucius was like one of the stones used for building the great wall as we all are a part of something bigger.
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