There was no one around me when I arrived, but as I looked down at the catwalk below me, I understood why. A man led a figure out onto the catwalk. As far as I could tell it was a woman. Her head was covered in the white bag mine had always been, her body sheathed in the same white robes, her hands bound in front of her body. I could see her hands shaking even from my lofty position. The man whom I could only assume was Cormack's replacement turned and walked back into the stone tunnel.
And I then heard the rustle of wings. Voices talked quietly, and one by one, the council members landed in their appointed chairs.
I watched them from the shadows as they started the trial. They were all so beautiful. There were three exalted women, each with a face that would make a normal man sell his soul just for a few hours with her. The exalted men were equally beautiful, their faces and bodies flawless.
The unfair thing was that the condemned were just as beautiful. They were just as perfect looking, just as breathtakingly flawless. The two women looked like goddesses, and the three men, including Cole and Jeremiah, were just as incredible.
"You're actions must be made know," the leader of the exalted said, his voice ever sad as he looked at the faceless woman before him.
My barely beating heart hammered in my chest as I heard the mass rush of wings. Numberless angels ascended from the fiery depths and swooped down from the blue skies above. And suddenly I was surrounded by blue and black-eyed alike. I pressed my back against the cylinder, trying to hide the fact that I myself did not have a pair of wings.
A few eyes turned to me, but they did not linger before they moved onto their fellow comrades in exaltation or damnation. I may as well have been one of them. That, or they simply didn’t care that I was there. But I seriously doubted that.
The air came in and out of my lungs in gasping breaths as my eyes turned back to the woman on trial. Black spots formed on the edge of my vision. Everything inside of me hurt. It felt like my organs kept being burned away and then re-growing in my ribcage.
The deeds of this woman's life started to be read and I felt real panic.
I didn't have endless time to do this. I couldn't waste my time being terrified and hiding in the corner so to speak.
"Excuse me," I said hoarsely to the woman next to me. She didn't even turn her head in my direction. "Excuse me," I said again, raising my voice just slightly. She turned her brilliant blue eyes on me. I sighed a little breath of relief. "I am looking for someone. I wondered if you could help me?"
She gave me a confused look for a moment, and I worried for a second that she might not answer me at all. "Are you alright, child?" she asked, her face concerned looking. "You don't look well."
"I'm... I'm fine," I stuttered. "I'm looking for Rose Roberts. Do you know where I could find her?"
As soon as I said her name, my eyes were drawn to a place on the staircase about fifteen yards away. As I saw the red haired woman, her eyes instantly locked with mine.
"Looks like you don't need my help anymore," the first woman said, her eyes still concerned looking. I shook my head once. Slowly, I started making my way toward the red-haired woman, being careful to keep along the wall and my back pressed against the stone.
No other angels seemed to notice our odd behavior as I approached her. Their eyes were firmly locked on the woman on trial. As I came to her side neither of us said anything for a long time, we simply stared at each other.
"You're her," she finally said quietly. “The proxy.”
I could only nod.
"I am so thankful," she said, her head shaking just slightly. "I’ve see the trials, how terrifying they are. I didn’t have to endure that, because of you. And I am so sorry. It wasn’t fair."
I stared back into her beautiful blue eyes, trying hard to swallow the hard lump in my throat. "No, it isn’t."
She continued to look at me for a long moment, and it was a bit before I realized I needed to say something. "I need your help."
Knowing my time was running out, I rushed through an explanation. Everything that was happening to Alex, everything we had been through. All the struggles we were going through to be together.
When I finished, she stared at me with sympathy in her eyes, but there was something else there that I couldn't place.
"I know what he did, honey," she said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "We all know what he did. Never before has one made a plea like that and be allowed to return. What he did for you was incredible. But..." she trailed off.
"But what?" I said, slightly too demanding sounding. I felt the panic surge in my blood again, everything inside of me feeling so completely wrong.
"But things are changing around here. The council. Things must change to remain fair. Some of us have talked. We know your Alex doesn't have long left up there. He is a good man. Good men like that don't come along very often."
She paused for a long moment, staring back into my eyes. I tried yet again to swallow that hard lump.
"What are you saying?" my voice came out as barely more than a whisper. "That... that you want him... as a council member?"
"That's exactly what I am saying," she said, looking around to check that no eyes were watching us.
"But..." I stumbled over my words. "But he has to stay with me. He can't leave me."
"But when it’s time for someone to go, it is their time."
"No!" I practically shouted, taking a quick step away from the woman. "No, that's the point. It wasn't his time. The leader of the condemned, he killed Alex! It wasn't Alex's time to go. It wasn't fair."
"Nothing in life is really fair," Rose said, her eyes sympathetic again. "I had just given birth to my third child, a little girl, when I found out I had breast cancer. I only had eight months to be her mother. Only eight months to fit in a lifetime of mothering to my children."
I stared back at this woman, my mouth hanging open, knowing there was more I needed to say but unable to make my brain work to recognize what it needed to do.
"If you ask me to not accept him, I will do it, for what you did for me," Rose said quietly, again glancing around to make certain no one was listening. "But it is a wonderful thing, what we want for him. He would be an incredible leader."
"Thank you," I managed to whisper, my entire body starting to vibrate with the pain that was growing in my body.
Just then those with the black eyes sprang from their seats and leapt at the newly branded woman. I glanced back at Rose, trying to manage an appreciative smile.
And in the midst of the chaos, I leapt into the depths below.
A gasp ripped from my throat as I sat straight up in the pillowey white bed. Alex jumped in surprise, his form barely visible through the nearly non-existent light.
Air continued to come in and out in gasps. My lungs felt like they weren't there. It felt like my stomach wasn't there. It felt like my heart had filled my entire chest cavity, pulsing, throbbing, pounding painful blood through my shifting system.
"Jessica?" Alex said through the dark. A moment later the light flipped on. Spots formed on the edges of my vision as I met Alex's terrified, wide eyes. "Jessica!"
I barely felt it as Alex placed his hands on the sides of my face. Forcing my eyes to focus on his, I tried to even my breathing. But it felt like I couldn't find my lungs.
"Jessica? What happened? What's wrong?" The fear and panic were so obvious in his eyes.
I continued to gasp, clutching my chest. No longer able to keep myself sitting up, I collapsed back onto the bed.
"Jessica!" Alex screamed, panicked. "What do I do?!"
I reached a hand out, frantically searching for his. Finding his forearm, I clung to it like my life depended on it. Alex leaned over me, gripping my other forearm, and looked into my eyes.
"Focus on me," he said, trying with everything he had to calm his voice. "Focus on me, Jessica. You will stay with me. You will not be pulled back into that place. You don’t belong there. You will stay with me. You are my wife and I
will not let them take you from me."
"You're..." I gasped again, feeling something inside of me starting to solidify again. But every part of me wanted to go back. "You're wife."
"Yes," he said, his eyes burning as he looked into mine. With every passing moment, my breaths came easier and smoother. "You are my wife, and you promised to stay with me. Just like I promised you."
I nodded, letting go of one of his arms, and rubbed at my chest, never breaking eye contact with him.
It was then that I noticed the small black vein that bulged around Alex’s left eye. Lifting my free hand, I touched it lightly.
Alex placed his hand over mine, holding my palm against his cheek. I saw his lower lip quiver, saw the pain in his eyes. Had he been capable, there would have been tears.
"Is this going to happen every time you go back?" he asked in a quivering whisper.
I bit my lower lip for a moment, to stop my own trembling. Slowly I nodded. "I think so."
Alex squeezed his eyes closed, the pain and fear rolling off of him. His entire frame trembled slightly.
"I won't let them take you," I breathed, my whole body shaking as well.
Alex took a sniffling breath, and then let it out in an unsteady whoosh. "I'm so scared, Jessica."
Wrapping my arms around Alex shoulders, I pulled him into me. I wanted to tell him not to be scared. But I knew he had every reason to be. So I just held him instead until the sun came up in the east.
X
The next four days came and went in waves of panic, urgency, pain, and despair.
I continued to return to the world of the dead. I went in every chance I could force my body to sleep, sometimes multiple times a day, with a list of names. I no longer hid in the corner, fearing being caught. I ran. I sprinted through the concourses of angels, searching frantically for the faces I somehow always knew. And I explained in desperation what I needed from them. What I wanted and tried to demand from them.
But I continued to get the same answers. The exalted wanted Alex as one of their new leaders. The condemned simply wanted to punish him out of jealousy for being allowed more time to return. Our plan was backfiring. In a major way.
I sat up from the bed with a gasp, clutching my chest in pain. My lungs were like soggy sponges. My vision blurred as I tried to focus on Alex's face before me, tried to find the details in his features. And slowly they did. Each new black vein around his eyes.
"Jessica," I faintly heard Alex say through the painful haze that was my entire existence. "Jessica."
Slowly my lungs became detectable and my body stopped pulsing and shifting. My eyes met a bed with a handful of feathers atop it.
"Alex," I breathed, picking up one of the perfectly white feathers. My eyes started filling with moisture as I met his. That was when I noticed his hands shaking.
"It's coming, Jessica," he said in an unsteady voice. "I..." he faltered. "I don't think I can fight this much longer."
I shifted on the bed, kneeling in front of him. I took his forearms in my hands, placing my face just an inch from his. "You can do it, just for a little bit longer. We just need a little more time."
Alex met my eyes, something all too close to despair radiating in his own. "Just a little more time," he repeated.
But I think we both knew that was a lie.
It was going to take more than time to save Alex.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I watched the water drip from the faucet in the bathroom. It circled around, gathered heavy and weak against the pull of gravity at the mouth of it. Slowly, it stretched, trying to cling desperately to the stainless steel, before it couldn’t fight anymore. It fell into the abyss of the drain at the bottom of the sink.
My eyes rose to meet my reflection. Odd perfection stared back at me. Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect lines and surfaces, given to me, unwanted and now hated.
Again I felt that rocket, that bomb ticking inside of my head. We had slipped past double digits into single. No matter how hard I was trying to find more numbers to put back on the clock, they just kept falling and slipping away.
Turning the water on full blast, I pooled it in my hands and pressed my face into its cool surface. Everything about my being now felt strange. I didn’t even feel like a human anymore, but didn’t quite know how to feel like an angel either.
I’d managed to track down seven of the people I had stood trial for last night. And couldn’t breathe for several minutes after I woke up.
Pain. That was all life felt like these days.
A ringing in the bedroom caught my attention. The high pitched ring-tone told me it was my phone and not Alex’s.
Wiping my face dry with a hand towel, I made my way into the bedroom, spotting two feathers resting so innocent looking on the floor at the foot of the bed. Trying my best to ignore them, I reached for my phone on the dresser.
Emily.
A rock formed in my stomach.
“Hello?” I answered.
I heard a sniffle on the other end and it was a second before Emily’s voice came through on the other end. “Jessica?”
“Hey,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Jessica,” Emily sobbed again. A round of tears cut her voice off.
“Emily,” I practically shrieked. “What’s the matter?”
“It’s Sal,” she half whispered, her voice cracking. “She’s gone.”
The rock in my stomach grew heavier. “Did she wander out of the house? How long has she been missing?”
There was silence for a moment as Emily gathered herself. “No Jessica,” she said, her voice becoming a little more solid. “I mean she’s gone. Sal died two hours ago.”
And then those organs inside of me that felt so dead just disappeared.
“Jessica?” Emily said, her voice sounding very far away.
“Yeah?” I barely managed to whisper.
“You and Alex need to come home.”
“Yeah.” My hand snapped the phone closed.
Neither Alex or I said much as we headed back to the airport, sat on the plane for hours that felt like seconds. We loaded our bags into the GTO when we got into Seattle and then the wheels were meeting the pavement of I-5. In what felt like only minutes since we left Costa Rica, we arrived home at two in the morning.
I had texted Emily when we arrived at SeaTac Airport, and she pulled into the driveway just five minutes after we walked into the door. She looked like hell.
Neither of us said anything as Emily wrapped her arms around me. It felt like I had gallons of tears threatening to break from my eyes, but I could only hold Emily with stiff arms and hold my breath.
“What happened?” I finally managed.
Emily stepped away from me, wiping her cheeks with the back of her denim jacket sleeve. Alex stepped to my side and slid his hand into mine.
“The doctors said it was a brain aneurysm. I just found out a few hours ago, got the report. They said she had probably had it for a while and it was just getting worse the last few months.”
“That’s why she was hallucinating and seeing her husband,” Alex said. I felt the rock in my stomach grow all the heavier.
Emily nodded, her eyes shining with tears yet to fall. “The doctor said it seemed unlikely that she wouldn’t be hallucinating. They said it was just a time bomb ticking in her head. But they wouldn’t have been able to operate on it, ‘cause of where it was in her brain.”
That didn’t ease the guilt I felt in the pit of my stomach. I had known she was hallucinating. What if I could have done something? Maybe there would have been some other kind of treatment if we would have found it sooner.
“I’m so sorry, Jessica,” Emily said in a trembling voice. Two more tears traced paths down her cheek.
I just nodded, my eyes slipping to the floor.
And then I felt Alex’s hand start to shake in my own. As I looked at it, I saw the veins rise from his skin, bulging out against his tightening skin.
Al
ex’s breath caught in his chest and as I looked up at him, he closed his eyes, his jaw clenching tightly.
“He doesn’t have much longer left, does he?” Emily asked.
I met her eyes, saw her new fear. Something inside of me felt like it was trying to claw its way out. I pushed it back down, afraid what it might present itself as if it managed to get out. “No. We’re working on it.”
Alex worked his way over to the couch with my help and tucked his knees up into his chest. He just sat there with his eyes squeezed closed, trying with everything he had in him to stay. In unneeded hushed tones, I hurriedly explained to Emily what we were trying to do, that I was putting myself back into the afterlife. And then I had to explain how I had been going back before, how Jeremiah had been following me.
“They just won’t stop,” she said, holding my hand tightly in hers. “Will they?”
“Not until they get me back,” I said, staring at nothing, shaking my head. “And Alex.”
“Don’t stop fighting,” Emily said, squeezing my hand. “You’ve earned a life. After everything they’ve put you through. You deserve a real life.”
I gave Emily a tight lipped smile, squeezing her hand. Every one kept feeling sorry for me and giving me their sympathy. So many had said that everything “wasn’t fair” or that I deserved better, but now it was just starting to feel like meaningless words. All the talk in the world wasn’t going to fix anything.
“I’d better get going,” Emily said with a sigh, pressing her hands into her reddened cheeks. “I have to teach in the morning and I’m meeting up with Austin later.”
“So the two of you are dating then?” I asked, grateful for the change in conversation.
“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “We hang out a lot and I’ve spent quite a bit of time with his family. We held hands once but that was about it. I like spending time with him.”
“I’m glad,” I said, giving her a small smile as she stood.
“Hang in there, Alex,” she said, giving him a sorrowful look. He just managed a nod before she stepped out the front door.