“Loaf agreed to this? What kind of—”
“If you listen I’ll tell you all the whys. On my second visit to you I actually got to tell you what has changed about him, and you still behaved so badly that Loaf almost gave up then. I was the one who talked him into making another try. In fact, three more tries. Do you understand me, you thick-headed angry woman? Loaf married a woman with a temper but he thought you loved him more than you loved your own rage. Is he right or wrong?”
“Let me chop wood for a minute,” she said. “Can you stand there and wait? I have to . . . I have to get this out of me.”
Umbo nodded and stepped back. He did not disappear.
Leaky set up a short log, picked up the ax, and let fly. Shivers of wood flew in all directions. She set up another, pulverized it, then another, another.
“How many are you going to turn into splinters?” asked Umbo.
“Your turn to shut up! It hasn’t been a minute yet!”
It was probably five minutes, but finally she was exhausted and plopped down onto the ground and leaned her forearms on her knees and covered her face with her hands. “Talk to me,” she said, “while I’m not looking at that smart-mouth face of yours bossing me around.”
“If you listen and then talk to me quietly and reasonably, I won’t boss you around,” said Umbo. “I know Loaf will never be happy if he can’t come home to you, but I also know he won’t come back to you until he knows you’ll give him a chance.”
“Give him a chance to—” But this time Leaky stopped herself. “You tell it. I’ll listen. I swear I’ll listen.”
“The first wallfold we went to was an evil place. We didn’t understand how evil. All the human beings there were dead. The only person there was Vadeshex, and he isn’t human.”
“A person, and not human? Sorry. Sorry. I’m sure you’ll tell me.”
“Vadeshex looked just like Rigg’s father. He was just like him because they’re not human. They’re mechanical men designed to look like people. They’re called ‘expendables’ but they never die. There’s one in each wallfold. Rigg was raised by one.”
“But his father died,” said Leaky.
“His father pretended to die,” said Umbo. “They’re all liars, these expendables, because they think their job is to protect the human race from the human race. They know everything, but they understand nothing. No matter how angry you get at me, it’s nothing to how angry I am at Vadeshex. Because he tricked Loaf into—no, wait. It won’t make any sense unless I explain something first.”
“By Silbom’s right kneecap!” shouted Leaky.
“Loaf is alive. He’s sharper and healthier than ever. But something happened to him in Vadeshfold and that’s what I’m trying to tell you. But some things don’t make sense unless I explain other things first. Please, please be patient with me. I don’t want to fail Loaf again, the way I did the other four times.”
“I thought I was the one who failed!”
“You’re the one who didn’t listen,” said Umbo, “but it has to have been my fault because I went about it wrong. The first time I tried to tell everything gradually and make things seem better than they are. You saw that I was concealing things and so I think you were right to be angry. I thought you were going to kill me, which didn’t seem fair to me, but I did a bad job. I did a bad job all the other times, too, because I failed. But please help me, Leaky. I’m going to make mistakes so you have to help me make up for my stupidity by being patient with me. Please.”
Leaky was astonished to hear a sound like incipient weeping in his voice, as if he was trying not to cry. But she didn’t look at him. “Tell me in whatever order you think is best.”
“I’m just trying to be clear. So here it is. In Vadeshfold, there’s a creature that lives in the streams. It’s very tiny, but if you get it on you it burrows into your skin and grows, and it quickly crawls up your body to your face. It covers your mouth and nose and ears and eyes and reaches through them to grow into your brain. But it doesn’t kill you. It just . . . takes over.”
“And this is what happened to—”
“No! No, you have to listen and let me explain because Loaf is fine. Better than fine, just ugly. And way less ugly than he was when it first—look, this creature was the reason the people of Vadeshfold all died. Half of them got this parasite—we call them facemasks—and the other half didn’t, and they fought each other until they were all dead. But when we arrived, Vadeshex warned us not to get near the water and so we didn’t get taken by the wild facemasks.”
“But you had to explain about them, so—”
“Vadeshex had nothing to do after all his humans died. He was pretty much a failure as caretaker of the colony in his wallfold. But he thought these facemask parasites had potential. So he began to breed them and change them so that they wouldn’t make the people crazy. Because when a facemask takes over a larger animal, it enhances it. It replaces the eyes with better eyes. The reflexes speed up. It hears better. So Vadeshex spent thousands of years trying to develop a breed of facemasks that would enhance human beings without taking over completely. It takes over, but if you’re strong-willed enough, you can control it. You stay yourself.”
“I can’t pretend that I don’t guess that you’re only telling me this because Loaf got one of these facemasks.”
“I figured you would. When I first heard what happened I wanted to kill Rigg for letting it—”
“Rigg let this happen?”
“No! That’s what I thought, because they went without me into the . . . place. But Rigg couldn’t stop him.”
“You could have sent Rigg back in time to warn him! Like you’re doing now!”
“Loaf wouldn’t let him. You have to understand, Rigg was only just learning how to do this stuff on his own. He would have needed me, and he didn’t want me to see Loaf like that. Because it’s—it’s much better now. You won’t think so, but Leaky, it was horrible at first. This thing completely covered his face so it looked like he couldn’t breathe. And then it made new eyes for him and a new mouth only they weren’t in the right place and—I’m sorry! I’m wrecking everything! I’m doing a terrible job of telling this.”
“He looked horrible,” said Leaky. “He looked monstrous.”
“Yes. And I was furious and I wanted to rip it off of him but Vadeshex told us that we couldn’t do it without killing him. It was part of him now, and if it died, Loaf would die. And the other way around, too. So I led Loaf around like a blind deaf-mute for a while, except that he wasn’t blind, he didn’t bump into anything. And already his reflexes were unbelievably quick. And I kept hoping he was still inside there. Loaf. That he hadn’t been completely taken over by this thing.”
“And you’re here to assure me that even though he’s uglier than before, it’s really Loaf.”
“It is! But I know you won’t believe me and you’ll scream at me that I don’t know him well enough to know whether it’s really him but listen to me: Of course you know him better than everybody, but this isn’t going to work if you make him prove who he is. He’s either coming home to his wife or not. And his wife—and these are his exact words—‘My wife will not make me spend the rest of my life proving that I’m really me.’ Do you understand? I’m his witness. You’ll have him telling you, and you have me telling you, and if that’s not good enough, he isn’t going to stay. Do you understand that?”
“Understanding isn’t agreeing.”
“You know him!” said Umbo fervently. “He’s made up his mind that if you doubt him, he’s gone. He says he’ll understand if you reject him, if you can’t live with him the way he is now. The only thing he wants is to come back to you and live with you the way he did before. Except that he’s stronger and quicker and smarter and prettier—he says he’s prettier but that’s—”
“That’s his sense of humor,” said Leaky.
/> “Yes,” said Umbo.
“Go and get him,” said Leaky.
“You mean it?”
“I can’t believe you had to go to all this trouble. Of course I want him back, however I can get him. If you dragged him back in a sack without arms or legs, I’d take him. What do you think marriage is, boy?”
“Judging by my parents, it’s not like the two of you. But do you promise—”
“I don’t have to make you any promises at all,” said Leaky. “You’re the messenger. I want my husband back, and I believe you that the man you’re going to bring me is my husband, or as close to him as I’m going to get, and that’s close enough for me. Or if it turns out not to be, then Loaf and I will work it out without some fuzz-faced boy getting between us. Am I clear? Your job is done. This time you succeeded. I want him back. Bring him to me.”
Umbo didn’t answer.
She glanced over and saw that he hadn’t gone. “What are you waiting for?”
“Do you think I’m here on my own?” asked Umbo. “I’m here following his instructions.”
“And now you’ll go back following mine,” said Leaky. “Is it me Loaf wants to come home to? Then he doesn’t dictate terms to me, and he knows it. Tell him to get his sponge-covered face back here so I can decide for myself whether to scream and run away or give him a big sloppy wet kiss on his spongy new mouth.”
“It’s not spongy anymore,” said Umbo. “It’s pretty much almost normal except not, in a creepy way.”
“You’re not helping now,” said Leaky. “I think I’ve done a very good job of shutting up and listening. Now it’s your turn to shut up and go bring me my husband.”
“I’ll tell him that’s what you said,” said Umbo. “I hope it’s good enough.”
“It will be,” said Leaky. “If I said anything different, he wouldn’t believe I meant it.”
Umbo smiled wanly. “You’re probably right. Only . . . I don’t think it’ll be good for you to see him with other people around.”
“Everybody’s out of the roadhouse, if that’s what you’re worried about. But why can’t you bring him back right here?”
“Because to do that I’d have to get him here in the future, and I’d have a hard time sneaking him in.”
“You snuck in?”
“I came in by water and where I am, it’s nighttime and you’re busy in the kitchen so you can’t hear me.”
“You got a soaking?”
“I’ve swum this river before,” said Umbo. “When I come back with Loaf, it’ll be by the road, and I’ll have his face hidden so he doesn’t shock the local people.”
“And when will this magical event happen?”
“I’m not totally precise. But later today, probably.”
“I’m supposed to keep the roadhouse closed up for hours, maybe?”
Umbo gulped. “I do it inside my head and I can’t tell time all that precisely so—”
“I’m teasing you, Umbo, you sweet stupid boy. I’d keep the roadhouse closed for the rest of my life if it’s the only way to get Loaf back to me.”
“Then I think I’ll go now because I don’t want future you to come out of the kitchen and . . .”
And he disappeared.
Umbo came up from the water, dripping and smiling.
“So this time it worked?” asked Loaf.
“I pretended I was you and yelled at her to shut up and listen,” said Umbo.
“That never works,” said Loaf.
“It worked when I told her that if she didn’t, she’d never see you again. She finally believes me and now she says to get you home, no matter what happened to you.”
“She believed you, then? That it’s really me behind this mask?”
Umbo told him what Leaky had said.
Loaf laughed. “She’s right. I’m still Loaf, but she’s still Leaky, and that means nobody bosses her around. Except, apparently, you.”
“She chopped wood for half an hour till she was calm enough to listen.”
“I bet it only took her five minutes.”
“It felt very long.”
“So do you think you can get me back home the same day we left?”
“Yes,” said Umbo. “Take my hand.”
“Yes, sir,” said Loaf.
“And cover your face.”
“I’ll cover my face when we get out on the road,” said Loaf.
“We’re going to make the jump at the edge of the road so we don’t accidentally materialize in a sapling.”
“If we’re not going to jump till we get to the road, why am I supposed to hold your hand?” demanded Loaf.
“Because it’s dark,” said Umbo, “and I can’t see in the dark the way you can.”
“A practical reason,” said Loaf. “Good thinking. Only . . . now I have to wonder. Is this really you?”
Leaky heard the loud banging at the front door. “Whoever you are, go away,” she muttered. “My husband and his idiot-child messenger are coming home and I don’t need company here.” She struggled to her feet—she really had exerted herself with the ax, swinging it too hard and moving too quickly. Now she was a little stiff and she was sure there’d be painful muscles tomorrow.
She made her way through the house and the banging at the door just kept on and on, not so loudly as to suggest damage to the door, but relentlessly, as if the person would never go away without being admitted to the house.
And when she thought of a guest that stubborn, she knew who it was before she even got to the door. My darling Loaf, that fool boy got you here almost before he left off talking to me. I didn’t even have time to get back into the house and unlock the door.
Now she did unlock it, and swung it open, and there he was, his face half-hidden in shadow by a cowl that hung low in front. But she could see at once that something was wrong with the face.
Not with anything else, though. Loaf stood at his full height. She knew those hands, knew that posture, and when he spoke, it was his true voice, only younger and stronger than he had sounded in years. “Hello, my love,” said Loaf. “Nice of you to lock folks out of a roadhouse.”
“I’m saving the big room for my husband and his tame time-shifter. I hear he has a head like an elephant now, and the boy has become very bossy.” She reached up to pull away the hood.
His hand lashed out and caught her by the wrist—but so gently she could hardly feel the pressure of his hand. “Not yet,” said Loaf.
“I can bear anything,” said Leaky.
“But I can’t bear the look on your face if you don’t already know it’s me,” said Loaf.
“Come in then,” she said. “But don’t let go of my hand. I like the feel of you. It reminds me of a man I once slept with.”
“Slept with him a whole lot more than once,” said Loaf, “if it’s the man I’m thinking you mean.”
“What I’m trying to figure out is why that damp-headed boy thinks he’s coming in with us,” said Leaky. “He had his say, and now he waits outside like any other river rat. If he wants to be useful he’ll keep other fools from knocking on the door.”
Umbo backed away. “Don’t let the fact that I’m hungry and thirsty and tired change your plans in any way.”
“Me me me, that’s all the boy thinks of,” said Loaf. “And he ate only yesterday, which was about fifteen minutes ago, so he’s just being whiny.”
The door closed behind them.
Umbo leaned against it and surveyed the street. “The problem with time traveling to get here,” he said aloud, “is that nothing has had time to change since we left.” But it also meant he could go across the street to the baker, who was bound to have something edible in stock, even if it was late in the day for fresh morning bread.
Bread in hand, Umbo took his perch outside the roadhouse. When people fi
rst came to the door, he tried explaining that Loaf had come home after long absence, but they looked at him like he was crazy. “I saw the two of you set out this very afternoon,” one woman said, “and if that’s long absence I’m young and beautiful.”
“And indeed you are,” said Umbo, using his most sincere voice. Olivenko could have brought it off and won a smile from the woman, but at Umbo’s clumsy effort she only sneered and left, saying, “If they don’t want my business, so be it, but I don’t have to be mocked by a boy who’s also a stranger.”
“I’ve lived here for months,” said Umbo, because that had been true at the time they set out. “I’m strange enough, but not a stranger.”
His wit was wasted on her—she and her husband (or whatever he was) didn’t show any sign that they could hear Umbo’s clever remark. But after that, Umbo didn’t tell anything like the truth. “A feral cat got in there and peed all over the tables and they have to scrub everything down to get the smell out,” he explained. Oddly enough, the lie was believed instantly, while the truth had been treated with such contempt.
Late at night the door opened. It was Loaf, no covering on his face now. “We’re staying closed, but we can’t leave you outside all night.”
“Like a feral cat,” said Umbo, “I think I’ll pee all over everything.”
“You’ll go to your room and have a good night’s sleep. I assume you already found something to eat.”
“Why would you assume that?”
“Because you’re Umbo,” said Loaf. “Now come in.”
Umbo wasn’t quite sure how many hours he had been awake in a row, but he fell asleep before he actually got into bed, as attested by the fact that he woke up only half undressed. But it was light outside, so he put his clothes back on and headed for the privy.