The problem was, Allie was worried it was a game. One that she had no idea how to play.
“HEY!” Jena waved at her when she pulled up. “How are you?”
Allie was in the front, watering the bedding plants that everyone would be planting soon. Fall rolling around meant that daytime temperatures dropped and people could finally plant cool-weather plants and fill pots with something other than cactus.
“I’m fine,” she said, staring at the stream of water. “Just… fine. What are Caleb and the boys doing today?”
Her best friend walked over with Becca babbling on her hip. “Bear has a science project due on Monday that he conveniently forgot about until last night.”
“Of course.”
“I think Low is heading over to Ollie’s place to work on the car with Kev.” Jena hiked the baby higher. “You look weird.”
Her eyes darted up. “What? No. No, I don’t. I don’t look weird.”
“Yep. Now you look even weirder. What happened?”
Allie blinked. “You mean, other than my ex-husband being killed, my house being broken into, and me being forced to take up residence with my boss?”
Jena pursed her lips. “You’re right. Look as weird as you want. You’ve had a long week.”
“Ollie kissed me last night. And this morning.” A burst of hysterical laughter left her throat, and Allie slapped a hand over her mouth.
“Whoa.” Jena’s eyes popped open. “What? Back up. Kissing?”
Allie nodded.
“Like kissing kissing? Or on the cheek? A slight… brush?”
She shook her head. “Hike me up against a wall, grab my ass, and pull my hair kissing.”
“Nice!” Jena grinned.
“No! Not nice. Not…” She pulled her friend to the side and shut off the hose that was, at this point, only wasting water. “This is not nice. This is… confusing. And not well-timed. Probably completely irresponsible.”
“Allie”—Jena patted her cheek—“the rest of us have been waiting for this since Joe left. You’re living in the man’s house. He’s only got so much self-restraint, even if he is Ollie. I’m only surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”
Allie fell silent and went back to watering the plants. She walked away and continued on the next rack.
“Allie?”
Nothing. She had absolutely nothing to say. Her brain was mush, and it was all Ollie’s fault.
“Allie.” Jena sounded more concerned and less amused. “Did you not want him to? Did he—”
“I kissed him back. Trust me, I kissed him back. I just don’t know what to do with this.” She shut off the hose again. “He’s Ollie. He’s been my friend since we were kids. And he always… He’s always been there.”
Her heart was pounding. Just thinking about changing the boundaries with Ollie had her panicked.
Jena asked, “Are you not attracted to him?”
Allie gave a startled laugh. “No, that’s not the problem. Why do you think Joe hated Ollie so much? I’m sure he knew…” She squeezed her eyes tight. “I tried not to think about it. I couldn’t think about it, you know? But you can be sure attraction has never been the problem.”
“Then what?”
“My life.” She started to roll up the hose. She took a few minutes, concentrating on the routine movement. Feeling the heat. Getting out of her head for a precious moments.
“Your life?”
Allie walked to a row of garden benches her dad had placed under a shade cover and sat down. Absently, she noted a car in the parking lot with two guys inside. They were just sitting there. Weren’t they going to get out? They must have been baking out there.
Jena asked, “What about your life?”
“It’s crazy. I work all the time. I have four kids. My ex-husband was murdered by mobsters… maybe? And they broke into my house looking for something.” She looked up helplessly. “This doesn’t happen to real people. This is a bad movie. And then, here comes this guy—this amazing guy!—who has been my friend for years. And now he wants… I don’t know!”
Jena smiled softly. “Did you ask him?”
“No! Because he kissed me. And it was amazing. And I freaked out.”
Jena sat down next to her and bounced the baby on her knee while Becca babbled and swung her little arms. “Freaking out is kind of understandable. The first time I had sex with Caleb, I turned into a hawk and left him in the middle of the desert right afterward.”
Allie blinked. “That was stupid.”
“It really was. But… I panicked.” Jena shrugged. “There had only ever been Lowell. I didn’t know how to be with anyone else. So I get the fear.”
That car was still sitting there. What the hell?
“I am fully aware that I have baggage,” Allie said. “I know how to survive in a bad relationship; I don’t know how to be in a good one. And Ollie deserves to have someone amazing.” Her throat started to close up. “He is amazing. He deserves a lot more than a messed-up woman with four kids.”
“You’re not messed up. You’re Allie. You’re awesome. Strong and smart and funny. A great mom. One of the most optimistic people I’ve ever met, even when things are falling apart.”
Allie let out a watery laugh. “Does that make me optimistic or just stupid?”
“Not stupid. And your kids are great.” She kept bouncing the baby as Becca let out a burp that would make a prizefighter proud. “They’re like a bonus prize with all your awesome.”
“Four kids are a bonus prize?” Allie glanced at the baby. “You do realize she’s got spit-up all down her front, right?”
“I feel it dripping on my arm. I’m aware. Don’t distract me.”
“Okay.”
Jena bumped Allie’s shoulder. “Allison Smith, you are a gift. And one seriously hot mama. You think Ollie doesn’t see that? I think he knows exactly what he wants. The only question is: are you brave enough to ask?”
Allie wasn’t listening to her anymore. There was something about that car that was making her nose twitch. She glanced back at her dad’s shop. She could hear Loralie and Chris playing a game behind the large terra-cotta pots in the landscape supplies and the low drone of conversation from her father and a farmer who’d come in a few minutes before.
She took a step toward the parking lot, but the minute she did, the dark sedan peeled out, raising dust as it roared back down the road.
“Who was that?” Jena rose to her feet, wiping Becca’s chin with a cloth diaper.
“I have no idea.”
BY the time she got home from her job at the feed store, Allie was exhausted. Physically, yes. But emotionally, she was wrecked. She’d been thinking about what to do with Ollie all afternoon between juggling two kids, a constant stream of customers, and a dark luxury sedan that was eerily similar to the one driven by the men who’d broken into her house.
She’d also come to a sad but obvious conclusion.
She didn’t have time.
Just thinking about a new relationship was exhausting. She didn’t have the emotional energy to devote to someone who tore her up as much as Oliver Campbell did. If thinking about being with him stressed her out this much, then being with him was out of the question. Getting through every day as things were was barely manageable.
He must have caught a hint of her mood when she walked in, because the playful expression on his face fell and he looked back to the television where the older boys were watching a football game.
She hated that too. Hated that she’d disappointed him. He deserved so much better.
“Hey, baby.” She went over to brush a hand over Kevin’s damp hair. He’d always be her baby, even if he was taller than her. “How’s your car?”
His smile lit her up. “Awesome.”
“And the shop is superclean, Mom,” Mark said. “I even organized all the spare parts in the junk drawer. Ollie gave me twenty bucks.”
Her eyes darted to him. “You didn’t have to do that.”
<
br /> “He earned it.” Ollie’s eyes never left the television.
Allie paused. “Okay. I’m going to start dinner so we’ll have plenty of time to eat before work.”
“We’re not going to the bar tonight. I called Alex and Ted to help fill in. They owe me.”
Her heart began to pound. Just because she was living in his house didn’t mean she didn’t have her own bills to pay. “Ollie—”
“You’re staying home?” Chris said, bouncing into the room. “Can we go play catch then?”
“Yep.”
Ollie rose from the couch and walked out with Chris as Loralie snuggled next to Kevin, leaving Allie to stand in the entryway with her argument dying on her lips. She choked on her own frustration. Here she was, complaining about missing a night at work while Ollie kept a promise to her son.
Always practical. Never fun. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had fun. She’d become a picture of the harried single mother, and she hated it. Wiping away an angry tear, she went to the kitchen and pulled out the chicken she’d defrosted for dinner.
The world does not revolve around you, Allison Smith.
“Maybe it should. Every now and then.”
DINNER passed in much the same way, the kids happy and chattering while Ollie listened silently and avoided looking at her. Which was only fair as she was avoiding looking at him too. Not that she was very successful.
“Hey!” Kevin said. “What movie do you guys want to watch?”
“Transformers!” Chris screamed.
“No,” Loralie whined. “I want Merida!”
“Not again,” Mark groaned.
Allie was just about to interrupt and settle things when Ollie stood and grabbed her hand.
“Let them figure it out,” he said roughly. “We need to talk. Kevin, we’ll be out in the barn if there’s blood.”
Kevin glanced at Ollie’s hand holding hers, his lips showing the edge of a smile. “Okay.”
Allie sighed and walked out, mentally preparing for the inevitable confrontation while her children argued in the background. Every step away from the house, she grew more nervous.
Would this ruin their friendship?
Would Ollie stop spending time with the kids?
She couldn’t handle not having him in her life, and her kids practically worshipped him. Allie was almost in tears when they finally reached the barn.
Before he even flipped on the lights, Ollie turned and bent down, cupping her cheeks and looking into her eyes.
“Stop,” he whispered. “Just stop. I can hear you arguing already, and I want you to listen.”
Heart pounding, she put her hand on his shoulder while he brushed away the tears that were falling down her face.
“Ollie, I can’t.”
“Stop.” He kissed her. No ravenous kiss this time, but a tender brush of lips. Over and over. His lips pressing against hers. His hands on her cheeks. Her neck. Stroking over her shoulders—
“No!” She shoved him away. “I told you I can’t.”
He walked over and silently punched a fist into the barn wall, breaking clear through without so much as a snarl. Then he turned his back and braced his arms on the hood of the old truck.
“Why?” His voice was frighteningly calm. “Do you not want me?”
“Of course I want you,” she said, her whole body trembling. “Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you?”
He spun around. “Yeah, I do know.”
“Right,” she scoffed. “I hardly think—”
“Think what?” He took a step closer. “Do you think this just came out of nowhere, Allie? That suddenly I decided a few days ago I wanted more?”
Her anger piqued, she said, “You know what? That’s kind of what it seems like to me.”
“Are you kidding me?” The look on his face was shock mixed with a healthy amount of anger. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, Ollie. How long has this been on your mind?” She put her hands on her hips. “Because last I remembered, you were seeing that girl from LA.”
He spat out, “I haven’t been with anyone since before Joe left you, Allie.”
She took a step back. No, it couldn’t have been that long. She’d seen him…
Allie realized she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him with a woman. And she saw them. Every single one.
“It seemed stupid to even try anymore.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Not when the only person I could think about was you.”
No. He couldn’t have been…
“You’re—”
“Hung up on you? Bet your ass I am.”
Her heart felt like it stopped, then it began to race.
Ollie couldn’t have had feelings for her. Not this whole time. Not since before…
“How long?” she whispered.
“How long do you think?”
She shook her head. “How long, Ollie?”
His face was a mask. Only his eyes gave her any clue what he was feeling, and the look in them was enough to make her cry.
“High school.” His voice broke a little. “I guess. Around then.”
The pressure in her chest was painful. “Then why… You never said anything. Not once. In all these years.”
“What was I going to say?” He cleared his throat. “Honestly, Allie, what was I supposed to do?”
She didn’t know. But something keen and painful and maybe even a little angry broke inside her.
So many years.
“Even when we were kids?” She dashed a tear from her cheek. “Why didn’t you ever—”
“I was big and awkward and quiet. And you were… you. You made me nervous.” He let out a bitter laugh. “So damn nervous. And then… He made you happy. I thought he made you happy.”
She shook her head. “I can’t… Ollie, all this time?”
His mouth said nothing, but his silence said all.
He’d cared for her. Wanted her. Her friend. All these years. Through everything. During the years of pain and the loneliness and heartache… Allie couldn’t wrap her brain around it. She turned and started walking to the door. It was too much. Too—
Ollie reached around her and slammed the door shut.
“No. Not anymore. Don’t walk away. We’re finishing this. I’m done being patient, and you said you want me.”
“We’re not kids anymore,” she said. “Wanting isn’t the only thing that matters.”
“No, but it’s pretty damn important. Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t be together, Allie.”
She spun around, throwing her hands up. “Don’t you get it? I’m tapped out! I’m done. I have nothing left. I was exhausted today just thinking about last night. I am tired and short-tempered all the time. I have nothing left in me, Oliver Campbell. Everyone needs something from me, and I don’t have anything more to give.”
“Allie, you don’t—”
“That’s not fair to you. I don’t know much about healthy relationships, but I know that’s not the way it’s supposed to work.”
He crossed his arms and watched her, but Allie had nothing left to say.
She was tired and unbearably sad. She wanted to run away, but she couldn’t do that to him when he’d already bared himself to her the way he had.
“I’m trying to do the right thing,” Allie whispered. “I don’t want to be selfish.”
“And I’m trying to do the right thing too,” he said. “For both of us. I don’t want to make your life harder. I’ve been trying to show you that I can make it better. I’m standing here with my hands out, asking you to let me make life easier, and you fight me every way.”
“I can’t repay—”
“What the fuck kind of man would I be if I kept score like that?” he yelled. He stepped closer and grabbed her shoulders. “Yes, I want more. But I am your friend. I will always be your friend. No matter what happens. You wouldn’t do the same for me or Jena or any of our friends if life got crazy?”
r /> “Of course I would. If I could.”
“Well, I can.” His fingers clenched on her shoulders before they softened. “I don’t need you to pay me back with anything but you. Give me your smile. Let me see you laugh again. Let me—” His voice broke. “Let me enjoy having your kids around this big empty house. It’s too damn quiet with just me and my dog. Let me help, Allie. I know you’re tapped out. Fuck, you were running on empty five years ago.”
“I can’t be what you need,” she whispered.
“You let me be the judge of that.”
“But—”
“Has it been so hard being here?”
“Of course not.” Being in his house with him and the kids was almost too easy.
He casually brushed a tear that had fallen down her cheek. “Are the kids comfortable? Are you?”
“Of course we are. You’ve been great.”
“Then what has to change? What’s going to be so much different if we try this?”
“What would change?” Her face heated. “Ollie, you know…”
“This?” He slid a hand around her waist and pulled her closer. “You and me kissing a little?”
Allie put a hand on his chest, but she didn’t push away. “Yeah.”
He put his hands on her waist and lifted, turning to put her on the hood of the Ford and stepping between her thighs so they were face-to-face. The lights were still off in the barn, so the only shadows cast were from the cool light of the security lamp and the waxing moon hanging low in the sky.
Ollie placed his hands on either side of her and leaned in. “This have you worried?”
Her heart began to pound. “Maybe.”
“Nothing to worry about.” Ollie’s lips brushed hers with a whisper-soft kiss. “Stay here. Let me help you,” he said softly. “And we just… try.” He brushed her lips again. “Try things on. See how they fit. How we fit.”
Her hands rose to his shoulders, but Ollie grabbed them and put them full around his neck.
“We’ll go as slow as you need,” he said, running his fingertips down her arms until she shivered. “But please don’t back away.”