“Which light?” I asked.
“The light on the ceiling.”
“Dad, there’s no light.”
“It burns my skin, son. It’s too bright. It hurts my eyes.”
“Dad, I promise you there’s no light.”
“Don’t lie to me, son, it’s God passing judgment on Earth.”
“Dad, you’ve been an atheist since ’79. Come on, you’re just remembering your birth. On your last day, you’re going back to your first.”
“No, son, it’s God telling me I’m doomed. He’s using the brightest lights in the universe to show me the way to my flame-filled tomb.”
“No, Dad, those lights were in your delivery room.”
“If that’s true, son, then turn down my mother’s womb.”
We buried my father in the tiny Catholic cemetery on our reservation. Since I am named after him, I had to stare at a tombstone with my name on it.
10. Battle Fatigue
Two months after my father’s death, I began research on a book about our family’s history with war. I had a cousin who had served as a cook in the first Iraq war in 1991; I had another cousin who served in the Vietnam War in 1964–65, also as a cook; and my father’s father, Adolph, served in WWII and was killed in action on Okinawa Island, on April 5, 1946.
During my research, I interviewed thirteen men who’d served with my cousin in Vietnam but could find only one surviving man who’d served with my grandfather. This is a partial transcript of that taped interview, recorded with a microphone and an iPod on January 14, 2008:
Me: Ah, yes, hello, I’m here in Livonia, Michigan, to interview—well, perhaps you should introduce yourself, please?
Leonard Elmore: What?
Me: Um, oh, I’m sorry, I was asking if you could perhaps introduce yourself.
LE: You’re going to have to speak up. I think my hearing aid is going low on power or something.
Me: That is a fancy thing in your ear.
LE: Yeah, let me mess with it a bit. I got a remote control for it. I can listen to the TV, the stereo, and the telephone with this thing. It’s fancy. It’s one of them blue tooth hearing aids. My grandson bought it for me. Wait, okay, there we go. I can hear now. So what were you asking?
Me: I was hoping you could introduce yourself into my recorder here.
LE: Sure, my name is Leonard Elmore.
Me: How old are you?
LE: I’m eighty-five-and-a-half years old (laughter). My great-grandkids are always saying they’re seven-and-a-half or nine-and-a-half or whatever. It just cracks me up to say the same thing at my age.
Me: So, that’s funny, um, but I’m here to ask you some questions about my grandfather—
LE: Adolph. It’s hard to forget a name like that. An Indian named Adolph and there was that Nazi bastard named Adolph. Your grandfather caught plenty of grief over that. But we mostly called him “Chief,” did you know that?
Me: I could have guessed.
LE: Yeah, nowadays, I suppose it isn’t a good thing to call an Indian “Chief,” but back then, it was what we did. I served with a few Indians. They didn’t segregate them Indians, you know, not like the black boys. I know you aren’t supposed to call them boys anymore, but they were boys. All of us were boys, I guess. But the thing is, those Indian boys lived and slept and ate with us white boys. They were right there with us. But, anyway, we called all them Indians “Chief.” I bet you’ve been called “Chief” a few times yourself.
Me: Just once.
LE: Were you all right with it?
Me: I threw a basketball in the guy’s face.
LE: (laughter)
Me: We live in different times.
LE: Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
Me: So, perhaps you could, uh, tell me something about my grandfather.
LE: I can tell you how he died.
Me: Really?
LE: Yeah, it was on Okinawa, and we hit the beach, and, well, it’s hard to talk about it—it was the worst thing—it was Hell—no, that’s not even a good way to describe it. I’m not a writer like you—I’m not a poet—so I don’t have the words—but just think of it this way—that beach, that island—was filled with sons and fathers—men who loved and were loved—American and Japanese and Okinawan—and all of us were dying—were being killed by other sons and fathers who also loved and were loved.
Me: That sounds like poetry—tragic poetry—to me.
LE: Well, anyway, it was like that. Fire everywhere. And two of our boys—Jonesy and O’Neal—went down—were wounded in the open on the sand. And your grandfather—who was just this little man—barely five feet tall and maybe one hundred and thirty pounds—he just ran out there and picked up those two guys—one on each shoulder—and carried them to cover. Hey, are you okay, son?
Me: Yes, I’m sorry. But, well, the thing is, I knew my grandfather was a war hero—he won twelve medals—but I could never find out what he did to win the medals.
LE: I didn’t know about any medals. I just know what I saw. Your grandfather saved those two boys, but he got shot in the back doing it. And he laid there in the sand—I was lying right beside him—and he died.
Me: Did he say anything before he died?
LE: Hold on. I need to—
Me: Are you okay?
LE: It’s just—I can’t—
Me: I’m sorry. Is there something wrong?
LE: No, it’s just—with your book and everything—I know you want something big here. I know you want something big from your grandfather. I knew you hoped he’d said something huge and poetic, like maybe something you could have written, and, honestly, I was thinking about lying to you. I was thinking about making up something as beautiful as I could. Something about love and forgiveness and courage and all that. But I couldn’t think of anything good enough. And I didn’t want to lie to you. So I have to be honest and say that your grandfather didn’t say anything. He just died there in the sand. In silence.
11. Orphans
I was worried that I had a brain tumor. Or that my hydrocephalus had returned. I was scared that I was going to die and orphan my sons. But, no, their mother was coming home from Italy. No matter what happened to me, their mother would rescue them.
“I’ll be home in sixteen hours,” my wife said over the phone.
“I’ll be here,” I said. “I’m just waiting on news from my doctor.”
12. Coffee Shop News
While I waited, I asked my brother-in-law to watch the boys again because I didn’t want to get bad news with them in the room.
Alone and haunted, I wandered the mall, tried on new clothes, and waited for my cell phone to ring.
Two hours later, I was uncomposed and wanted to murder everything, so I drove south to a coffee joint, a spotless place called Dirty Joe’s.
Yes, I was silly enough to think that I’d be calmer with a caffeinated drink.
As I sat outside on a wooden chair and sipped my coffee, I cursed the vague, rumbling, ringing noise in my ear. And yet, when my cell phone rang, I held it to my deaf ear.
“Hello, hello,” I said and wondered if it was a prank call, then remembered and switched the phone to my left ear.
“Hello,” my doctor said. “Are you there?”
“Yes,” I said. “So, what’s going on?”
“There are irregularities in your head.”
“My head’s always been wrong.”
“It’s good to have a sense of humor,” my doctor said. “You have a small tumor that is called a meningioma. They grow in the meninges membranes that lie between your brain and your skull.”
“Shit,” I said. “I have cancer.”
“Well,” my doctor said. “These kinds of tumors are usually noncancerous. And they grow very slowly, so in six months or so, we’ll do another MRI. Don’t worry. You’re going to be okay.”
“What about my hearing?” I asked.
“We don’t know what might be causing the hearing loss, but you should start a c
ourse of prednisone, the steroid, just to go with the odds. Your deafness might lessen if left alone, but we’ve had success with the steroids in bringing back hearing. There are side effects, like insomnia, weight gain, night sweats, and depression.”
“Oh, boy,” I said. “Those side effects might make up most of my personality already. Will the ’roids also make me quick to pass judgment? And I’ve always wished I had a dozen more skin tags and moles.”
The doctor chuckled. “You’re a funny man.”
I wanted to throw my phone into a wall but I said good-bye instead and glared at the tumorless people and their pretty tumorless heads.
13. Meningioma
Mayoclinic.com defines “meningioma” as “a tumor that arises from the meninges—the membranes that surround your brain and spinal cord. The majority of meningioma cases are noncancerous (benign), though rarely a meningioma can be cancerous (malignant).”
Okay, that was a scary and yet strangely positive definition. No one ever wants to read the word “malignant” unless one is reading a Charles Dickens novel about an evil landlord, but “benign” and “majority” are two things that go great together.
From the University of Washington Medical School Web site I learned that meningioma tumors “are usually benign, slow growing and do not spread into normal brain tissue. Typically, a meningioma grows inward, causing pressure on the brain or spinal cord. It may grow outward toward the skull, causing it to thicken.”
So, wait, what the fuck? A meningioma can cause pressure on the brain and spinal fluid? Oh, you mean, just like fucking hydrocephalus? Just like the water demon that once tried to crush my brain and kill me? Armed with this new information—with these new questions—I called my doctor.
“Hey, you’re okay,” he said. “We’re going to closely monitor you. And your meningioma is very small.”
“Okay, but I just read—”
“Did you go on the Internet?”
“Yes.”
“Which sites?”
“Mayo Clinic and the University of Washington.”
“Okay, so those are pretty good sites. Let me look at them.”
I listened to my doctor type.
“Okay, those are accurate,” he said.
“What do you mean by accurate?” I asked. “I mean, the whole pressure on the brain thing, that sounds like hydrocephalus.”
“Well, there were some irregularities in your MRI that were the burr holes from your surgery and there seems to be some scarring and perhaps you had an old concussion, but other than that, it all looks fine.”
“But what about me going deaf? Can’t these tumors make you lose hearing?”
“Yes, but only if they’re located near an auditory nerve. And your tumor is not.”
“Can this tumor cause pressure on my brain?”
“It could, but yours is too small for that.”
“So, I’m supposed to trust you on the tumor thing when you can’t figure out the hearing thing?”
“The MRI revealed the meningioma, but that’s just an image. There is no physical correlation between your deafness and the tumor. Do the twenty-day treatment of Prednisone and the audiologist and I will examine your ear, and your hearing. Then, if there’s no improvement, we’ll figure out other ways of treating you.”
“But you won’t be treating the tumor?”
“Like I said, we’ll scan you again in six to nine months—”
“You said six before.”
“Okay, in six months we’ll take another MRI, and if it has grown significantly—or has changed shape or location or anything dramatic—then we’ll talk about treatment options. But if you look on the Internet, and I know you’re going to spend a lot of time obsessing on this—as you should—I’ll tell you what you’ll find. About 5 percent of the population has these things and they live their whole lives with these undetected meningiomas. And they can become quite large—without any side effects—and are only found at autopsies conducted for other causes of death. And even when these kinds of tumors become invasive or dangerous they are still rarely fatal. And your tumor, even if it grows fairly quickly, will not likely become an issue for many years, decades. So that’s what I can tell you right now. How are you feeling?”
“Freaked and fucked.”
I wanted to feel reassured, but I had a brain tumor. How does one feel any optimism about being diagnosed with a brain tumor? Even if that brain tumor is neither cancerous nor interested in crushing one’s brain?
14. Drugstore Indian
In Bartell’s Drugs, I gave the pharmacist my prescription for Prednisone.
“Is this your first fill with us?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “And it won’t be the last.”
I felt like an ass, but she looked bored.
“It’ll take thirty minutes,” she said, “more or less. We’ll page you over the speakers.”
I don’t think I’d ever felt weaker, or more vulnerable, or more absurd. I was the weak antelope in the herd—yeah, the mangy fucker with the big limp and a sign that read, “Eat me! I’m a gimp!”
So, for thirty minutes, I walked through the store and found myself shoving more and more useful shit into my shopping basket, as if I were filling my casket with the things I’d need in the afterlife. I grabbed toothpaste, a Swiss Army knife, moisturizer, mouthwash, non-stick Band-Aids, antacid, protein bars, and extra razor blades. I grabbed pen and paper. And I also grabbed an ice scraper and sunscreen. Who can predict what weather awaits us in Heaven?
This random shopping made me feel better for a few minutes but then I stopped and walked to the toy aisle. My boys needed gifts: Lego cars or something, for a lift, a shot of capitalistic joy. But the selection of proper toys is art and science. I have been wrong as often as right and heard the sad song of a disappointed son.
Shit, if I died, I knew my sons would survive, even thrive, because of their graceful mother.
I thought of my father’s life: he was just six when his father was killed in World War II. Then his mother, ill with tuberculosis, died a few months later. Six years old, my father was cratered. In most ways, he never stopped being six. There was no religion, no magic tricks, and no song or dance that helped my father.
Jesus, I needed a drink of water, so I found the fountain and drank and drank until the pharmacist called my name.
“Have you taken these before?” she asked.
“No,” I said, “but they’re going to kick my ass, aren’t they?”
That made the pharmacist smile, so I felt sadly and briefly worthwhile. But another customer, some nosy hag, said, “You’ve got a lot of sleepless nights ahead of you.”
I was shocked. I stammered, glared at her, and said, “Miss, how is this any of your business? Please, just fuck all the way off, okay?”
She had no idea what to say, so she just turned and walked away and I pulled out my credit card and paid far too much for my goddamn steroids, and forgot to bring the toys home to my boys.
15. Exit Interview for My Father
True or False?: when a reservation-raised Native American dies of alcoholism it should be considered death by natural causes.
Do you understand the term wanderlust, and if you do, can you please tell us, in twenty-five words or less, what place made you wanderlust the most?
Did you, when drunk, ever get behind the tattered wheel of a ’76 Ford three-speed van and somehow drive your family one thousand miles on an empty tank of gas?
Is it true that the only literary term that has any real meaning in the Native American world is road movie?
During the last road movie you saw, how many times did the characters ask, “Are we there yet?”
How many times, during any of your road trips, did your children ask, “Are we there yet?”
In twenty-five words or less, please define there.
Sir, in your thirty-nine years as a parent, you broke your children’s hearts, collectively and individually, 612 times and yo
u did this without ever striking any human being in anger. Does this absence of physical violence make you a better man than you might otherwise have been?
Without using the words man or good, can you please define what it means to be a good man?
Do you think you will see angels before you die? Do you think angels will come to escort you to Heaven? As the angels are carrying you to Heaven, how many times will you ask, “Are we there yet?”
Your son distinctly remembers stopping once or twice a month at that grocery store in Freeman, Washington, where you would buy him a red-white-and-blue rocket popsicle and purchase for yourself a pickled pig foot. Your son distinctly remembers the feet still had their toenails and little tufts of pig fur. Could this be true? Did you actually eat such horrendous food?
Your son has often made the joke that you were the only Indian of your generation who went to Catholic school on purpose. This is, of course, a tasteless joke that makes light of the forced incarceration and subsequent physical, spiritual, cultural, and sexual abuse of tens of thousands of Native American children in Catholic and Protestant boarding schools. In consideration of your son’s questionable judgment in telling jokes, do you think there should be any moral limits placed on comedy?
Your oldest son and your two daughters, all over thirty-six years of age, still live in your house. Do you think this is a lovely expression of tribal culture? Or is it a symptom of extreme familial codependence? Or is it both things at the same time?
F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote that the sign of a superior mind “is the ability to hold two opposing ideas at the same time.” Do you believe this is true? And is it also true that you once said, “The only time white people tell the truth is when they keep their mouths shut”?
A poet once wrote, “Pain is never added to pain. It multiplies.” Can you tell us, in twenty-five words or less, exactly how much we all hate mathematical blackmail?
Your son, in defining you, wrote this poem to explain one of the most significant nights in his life: