`Has anyone else heard this rumor,' asked Shelby, the eldest daughter of Misevasundia, directing her query at no one in particular, `about a scheme of Queen Brittany's? The rumor says the queen wants the school teachers to sign a form, a form in which they pledge that they will not sit on the fence and they will not hem and haw any longer on the question of the antipodes: they must sign a form saying antipodes do not exist. Death by decapitation would result for those who refused to sign the form. I think the scheme is just a rumor invented by her enemies - as many people are jealous of Brittany the Beautiful, the Benevolent, the Most Merciful Queen etc., etc. Still, if the scheme was true - though it is obviously false! - then it is a cold-blooded attempt to destroy the round-earthers, a brazen attempt to impose flat-earth philosophy on everyone, with the ultimate end that, presumably, eventually, everyone will have to sign some sort of form saying that we will obey everything that Queen Brittany the Beautiful, the Benevolent, the Most Merciful etc., etc., orders us to think and believe, and we will have to obey every order she commands of us. So, there are two burning questions enveloping the Kingdom of Avallonia at the moment, Al Mancini, just to keep you in the know about the current state of things in the Kingdom: is the rumored scheme just a worthless falsehood? And, just in case push came to shove, just in case you had to make a choice: how far are you willing to go in obeying the commands of Queen Brittany? Are you willing to make a slave of yourself? I mean that question doesn’t really pertain to you Al, as you’re already a slave – everyone knows that for goodness sakes! - but to those of us who are free it is a burning question.’
`There's a speech,' exclaimed Al.
`That rumor is a lie. It's plot to besmirch Queen Brittany,' said Seraphinaria.
There was a long silence, or at least it seemed like a long silence, because no one spoke for a few minutes.
`I had been reading, before I came through the portal,' Al Mancini began to say, to break the awkward silence, `that though there is some evidence to suggest the earth is round, nevertheless, truth be told, modern science has confirmed that the overwhelming weight of the evidence proves that the earth is flat.’ Al was telling a falsehood. He was angry about being a slave and angry at the levity with which the free people around him treated his slave condition. So he thought he would mess with them, by teaching crap to them, and by insist he was teaching them the truth.’
`You’re full of it,’ said Martha Manning to Al. `Before I came through the portal I had been reading another guy who was full of it, a fool named Christopher Hitchens. I was reading his book god is not Great: Religion Spoils Everything.’
`I have heard of this Hitch,' said Valmyristarsis.
`Who is Hitches?' asked Sevaladelia.
`Hitchens, Christopher Hitchens, Englishman, now deceased, Anti-Islamic crusader from the Atheist perspective,' Al began as he corrected Sevaladelia and as he turned to the comely Valmyristarsis. `Hitchens had memorized large parts of the Bible as a kid, but I forget exactly what he wrote in god is not Great: Religion Spoils Everything about what it was that led to his transformation to being an Atheist.’
`I thought you knew everything. You know the earth is flat. You know that those of us who believe in antipodes are blind fanatics,’ said Sevaladelia.
`I don’t recall saying you were blind fanatics! And did you, Martha, read what Hitchens said about Mel Gibson?’ asked Al. `He called Gibson a "ham actor". To say the star of Mad Max, The Road Warrior, and Beyond Thunder Dome is a ham actor is just more impiety from Hitchens, if you want my opinion. Sure, he became a `ham actor’ in `Lethal Weapon’ – who needs to see Mel Gibson’s naked white butt in that trailer he had parked in Hermosa Beach, or maybe it was Redondo – but give the guy his due. He was a big-time movie star in his 20s and 30s. Look at Thunderdome – you bust a deal you face the wheel. Two men enter one man leaves. And Gibson never played a gangster, at least not that I can recall. You wouldn't think so, but it's easier to impress audiences by playing a bad guy than it is by playing a good guy. This is because we live in the Age of the Anti-Hero. What was Pacino's best role? Either Michael Corleoni or Tony Montana. In Scarface he was a kinder gentler sort of gangster because he refused to murder that guy with the wife and kids. And then he blew the brains out of that really nasty villain. Look at John Rambo. If he didn't go psycho and blow up that hick-town after that hick-town sheriff drew first-blood, what sort of protagonist would John Rambo have been? A boring protagonist. Arnold played a cyborg-killer from the future sent to kill a hero that didn't exist yet in Terminator. The cyborg-killer from the future was not the hero of that film, it was that chick who was destined to be the mother of the hero - but it was Arnold, the cyborg-killer from the future - who carried that film. Who wants a goody-two-shoes version of Charlie Sheen? You want him doing insider trading deals and working as a corporate spy who’s feeding valuable info to Gordon Gecko. And when did Michael Douglas ever achieve more cinematic brilliance than what he achieved in Wall Street? So, I think I've proven my case rather convincingly in contending that we live in the Epoch of the Anti-Hero, an anti-hero being someone who can't be squeaky clean, he must have some flaws, but he can't be evil either. Audiences won’t cheer for a villain, though villains can carry movies, but they don’t like squeaky-clean either.'
`But we weren’t talking about heroes or anti-heroes. We were talking about slanders against Queen Brittany. How far should we go in obeying her, in your opinion, Al Mancini?' asked Heliomirabellisima.
`I don't like to impose my opinions on people,' said Al still hurt from that allegation Sevaladelia had made against him, saying he was calling round-earthers blind fanatics when he said nothing of the sort. But Al had to admit he had been messing with them in saying that modern science had confirmed the earth is flat.
`Why not?' asked Martha Manning. `Are you a slave in that way also?'
Martha was obviously still pissed at Al for that crack he made earlier about her being closer in age to 77 than 37.
`Look at religion. If you don't force feed lost souls the nourishment of the True Religion then the lost souls will starve to death and then they will go to perdition,' said Martha.
`And the cow jumped over the moon, and Cinderella went to the ball and made the prince fall in love with her and not with any of her step-sisters, and Santa Claus lives at the North Pole with some elves,' interrupted Heliomirabellisima. `Let me tell you something real. I once met a woman who came through a portal from your universe. This woman said that a guy you've heard of, Thomas Jefferson, was big deal, or at least lots of people made him out to be a big deal. I know all about your American presidents, Al. Your George Washington was another slave driver, and he signed a piece a confession admitting he murdered a French guy, and he was a Mason, so he was in a cult. I personally believe that Thomas Jefferson was wrong to force his lusty self on some female slaves that he had, and that's why I am opposed to keeping Al Mancini in chains. I'm no fan of Mirabrasantes' insistence that Seraphinaria's policy on pleasure-slaves must be right because it is sanctioned by an authority which out-ranks us. Regardless if Al Mancini actually likes all the attention he gets from some lonely females - you girls shouldn't be forcing yourselves on slaves like Al.'
`You're preaching treason,' said Mirabrasantes. `The priestly, civilian and military authorities have authorized the practice. Her Majesty the Queen is God's supreme representative on earth, and she has given her blessing to the institution of slavery. So, despite all of your theorizing, we know for a fact you are leading a rebellion when you say slavery is wrong. It is right because it is sanctioned by God, and we know it is sanctioned by God because it is sanctioned by God's supreme representative on earth, Her Majesty Queen Brittany. Therefore you are a dirty Judas traitor who can go to hell, Helio, dear, because you rebel against God and Queen Brittany.'
There was another long silence after Mirabrasantes delivered her impassioned speech.
`Do you recall if that woman who came thr
ough the portal remembered where she was from?' asked Al Mancini, while ignoring the vehemence of Mirabrasantes.
`Chicago,' replied Heliomirabellisima. `And she was convinced that some sort of portal flew open for a second or two, at daybreak, at the corner of Cicero and Bloomingdale, at the precise moment when Jupiter became aligned with Mars and Mercury.'
`Ditto that for me, only Venus was aligned with Earth and Saturn. I came through that same portal a few years back,' said Martha Manning. She said this as she watched as Mirabrasantes, after hearing the word Venus, reached for Al's hand, letting him know she wanted to sleep with him that night. Al didn't brush Mirabrasantes' hand away, but rather caressed it with no lack of enthusiasm.
`And I came through a portal at the corner of La Cienega and Santa Monica,’ said Al Mancini. `That’s in a city called Los Angeles – The Angeles. That’s probably not strictly true either. I mean it’s pretty far-fetched to think everyone in L.A. is an angel. Anyway, I don't know if 3 or more planets were aligned with each other when I came through the portal.’
`There are astrologers who can research it,' said Misevasundia.
`Say Al, began Martha, `have you read Stephen J. Gould? Have you even read Hawkins or Dawkins? How would you refute Hitchens? Come on, you’re a smart guy, so let’s hear how you would refute Hitchens.’
`Atheists are merely people who are angry when they don't get their prayers answered. I don't get my prayers answered either, at least most of the time I don't. But I don't respond like a spoiled child. For instance, hundreds of people have told me I look just like the young Rock Hudson, but agents and directors tell me they don't need me. So I'm thinking that since no one can be that stupid, it must be that God is pulling some strings which are keeping my acting career down. But I don't really know, you know, maybe God is not holding me down, maybe these producers and directors really are just stupid people.'
`Yes, you look exactly like the young Rock Hudson, and that's your whole problem,' Martha Manning was saying. `Audiences don't want to look at you in feature films, because it's creepy to look at someone who looks literally exactly like the young Rock Hudson. - and I don’t mean figuratively literally exactly, I meant literally literally exactly.'
`I suppose so,' replied Al.
`Or perhaps God just doesn't like you!' joked Heliomirabellisima. `I wonder if it is Queen Brittany's God who is sticking it to you?'
`I can't believe I have to listen to all this impiety,' said the pious Martha Manning.
`I've just been handed an amended version of our Company Roster,' announced Seraphinaria. `Thanks to those of you who helped get this new and improved version put together so quickly.'
Seraphinaria passed out a copy to everyone in the outfit, to the kids included. This new version read:
Company Roster. (Version 1.14)
Seraphinaria - Commanding Officer
29 years of age, Captain in the Avallonian Army, widow of a former Avallonian nobleman / cavalry officer, mother of boy (10-year-old, Jackson), girl (5-year-old, Morgan) and boy (3-year-old, Jay-Jay).
Valmyristarsis,
25, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, single mom, mother of girl (7-year-old, Heather), boy (6-year-old, Hugh ) and boy (3-year-old, Hamilton, aka Buddy).
Casilevatates,
26, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, single mom, mother of girl (7-year-old, Jacqueline), girl (5-year-old, Camille).
Mirabrasantes,
27 Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, widow of a former Avallonian lawyer / army officer, mother of girl (8-year-old, Marla), boy (7-year-old, Brent).
Navorrasicaa,
27, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, widow of a former Avallonian army officer, mother of girl (7-year-old, Barb), boy (4-year-old, Curt).
Misevasundia,
27, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, widow of a former Avallonian businessman / army officer, mother of girl (9-year-old, Shelby), girl (5-year-old, Mercedes).
Sevaladelia,
29, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, widow of a former Avallonian beer and spirits salesman, mother of girl (11-year-old, Desiree), girl (9-year-old, Delilah), boy (5-year-old, Dante).
Heliomirabellisima,
28, Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, single mom, mother of girl (9-year-old, Kayla), girl (5-year-old, Guilia).
Martha Manning,
37 (alleged), Lieutenant in the Avallonian Army, alien (confirmed), parallel universe traveler (alleged), single woman with no kids (alleged).
Luke, A Wonderful Little Orphan Boy (9).
Jasmine, A Beautiful Little Orphan Girl (7).
Jocelyn, A Gorgeous Little Orphan Girl (5).