"I couldn't talk to her either because I swear she knew, Mack. She would have to. They were too married, and too close, so she had to know what a sick fuck he was, which means she was a sick fuck too. So that was it for them with me. And I never spoke to them again."
"And then they died," Mack adds like he finally understands as I nod.
"And I was relieved," I admit like a bastard though it’s the truth. I was relieved. "I thought if he was dead, then there was one less perv in the world looking at horrific pictures of child porn, or maybe even participating in it. But I didn't know if he was an active participant, or a child rapist, or anything else until Suzanne told us that night," I exhale again as the memories of the night with her at my apartment swamp my mind again.
"So you didn't tell me because?"
Looking at Mack I admit the truth of everything. "I was afraid you would think I was a pig like him."
"I would never have thought that, Z. Try again," Mack pushes shaking his head at me.
"I was afraid of that. But also I didn't want Suzanne to know because she would have never been able to separate me from my father. And I loved her by then, and I was too scared to admit to anything that may have pushed her further away from me. So I didn't tell either of you because I wanted her in my life."
Exhaling, the silence between us is so thick I can't understand it. I don't know if Mack is disgusted with me, hates me, or just thinks I'm a lying douchebag.
"I understand why you didn't tell her. But this is huge, Z."
"I know."
"No, you don't. This is absolutely everything for Suzanne. She has told me hundreds of times how grateful she is you never saw her like that. She used to cry and feel such relief that you only knew what happened to her but never actually saw any of the pictures because she can't have you see her that way."
"But I don't," I cry out desperately.
"Yes you do, remember? It's all about her eyes. The eyes of your dreams and the eyes of your nightmares."
"But it's not like that," I try again, though I see what he means and I know where this is headed.
"It's exactly like that, Z. And to Suzanne it will mean the absolute end to you together. She hates you seeing her physical scars alone knowing what caused them. But this? This is absolutely everything she will never be able to handle- you actually seeing her abused as a little girl," Mack exhales hard right from his stomach I think. "Knowing you actually saw her raped will kill her because she wants to be a woman to you, not her," he exhales again covering his face with his hands.
"I do see her as a woman," I plead but Mack doesn't even acknowledge me. "Mack! She is a woman to me. She’s my wife, and lover, and my beautiful Suzanne."
"It won't matter, Z. For being horribly weak, ironically, Suzanne can be a stubborn pain in the ass," he huffs a quick laugh. "But this will absolutely break her when she finds out. I know her, Z. She hates everything about herself. Everything, Z. And I've worked so hard for years now to build her up to make her see herself as the woman she is now. And sometimes she slides backwards like what just happened to her 2 months ago. But overall she has moved past her childhood remarkably well. And you helped. A lot actually," Mack nods at me.
"I tried to."
"I know, but it wasn't what you did. It was who you were with her. You were just a man to her. A man who may have known what she went through but you didn't see it, so she could move past it with you enough to have as normal a life, a married life, and a sex life with you as she possibly could. She even knows I saw some of the photos and brings it up sometimes with such self-loathing, I have to spend an entire session trying to convince her that I don't remember the pictures or what I saw. Sometimes I blatantly lie and say I only looked quick but didn’t really see anything that I remember so she lets it go for a few months. But with you-"
"I actually saw her like that," I exhale again the gravity of this situation. "What do I do?" I ask unsure of anything anymore. The truth has not set me free as it were. Or maybe as I hoped. I don't have a fucking clue what to think any more about anything actually.
"I don't know. I mean let’s be real here. Of course you're supposed to tell her the truth. You're supposed to have no more lies between you, and you're supposed to move forward, together or apart, but..." Mack shakes his head.
"But lying- or rather not telling her this is better for everyone involved," I say knowing it is.
"Can you live with that though? Can you try to forget the little girl you saw with the eyes that still haunt you?"
"Yes. For her I can. I did for years. I finally just told you because I thought I had to. You told me to think of any other lies I've told her, or anything I hide from her and this was my one thing since she already knew about my monthly visits to Chicago. I thought I was supposed to tell you, but I can forget it and keep it inside and move on. I will move on."
"Z, you were just sobbing, and you're still haunted and shaken by it."
"It doesn't matter. Suzanne matters. And with all the shit she's gone through, lived through and had to deal with, I can keep this one thing to myself for her. Even saying it like that changes the way I feel about it. It's just one thing I have to deal with versus the thousands of things she struggles with every day of her life."
“But it won't always be that easy. And at the end of the day it's still actually a lie, Z. A pertinent piece of information about her childhood that you're keeping from her.”
"For her," I say with conviction. "That's the bottom line for me, Mack. Suzanne has nothing to gain from knowing I saw a horrific picture of her when she was little. And I have everything to gain by keeping it within this room. So that's it as far as I’m concerned."
"You're sure?" Mack asks again like he's not sure of anything between us anymore.
"Yes. It's done. I have one nightmare from an otherwise fairly charmed life to keep secret, and I will. But can you?"
"Yes," Mack nods and I know he will.
"Okay. Done. I talked to my shrink and told him my deepest darkest, and he made me feel better and now we can both move on. Got it?"
"Yes," Mack exhales again and I feel better already about everything while we sit for minutes thinking silently.
"Okay, let me go get her so she can tell me she's getting out of here tomorrow," I grin knowing she was going to dramatically announce she was able to come home with me tomorrow. Like I didn't already know as her next of kin.
"Z, there's more," Mack says seriously and I could almost laugh at his serious expression as I stand for the door.
"Of course there is, Mack. Suzanne doesn't do anything easily. So let’s get this over with," I laugh opening the door as Mack calls out to me again louder.
CHAPTER 20
SUZANNE & Z
Walking down the corridor I see Suzanne on a little bench actually knitting. Damn, she’s cute. Even as the crazy knitting lady.
When she sees me, her blush almost makes me laugh when she quickly whips her knitting to her side like she could hide it from me, which she actually does in an honest to Christ knitting bag. Huh. Not that sexy, but adorable anyway.
"Hey, love," I smile as she stands awkwardly. "We're ready for you to come in now," I gesture behind me to Mack's office as she nods gravely.
Watching her pick up her knitting bag, almost using it as a shield against her chest, I barely hold in my grin. I'm so used to her little dramas and physical insecurities, I don't get half as stressed or pissed about them anymore. They're kind of endearing to me now.
Like the way if she ever has an opinion, or wants to argue with me she gets scared I'll be mad at her or not love her anymore. But she couldn't be more wrong if she tried. I love her standing up for herself, and I love it when she stands up to me. It means she's getting stronger, and I want her strong.
"After you," I smile when she enters Mack's office looking too pale and skinny but kind of sure of herself, too. It's a strange look for Suzanne and one I also find endearing.
"Ah, please sit,
Z. Wherever you want," she adds like she knows I should be able to choose whichever chair I want, regardless if it stresses her out or not. So naturally, I sit in the chair that'll make her less uncomfortable. Watching I can see her relief when she sits in the chair that hides her face from me and I know I chose well.
"Suzanne? How are you feeling? Would you like to speak with me privately before you talk to Z?" Mack asks like they have a secret from me, but it doesn't bother me this time. If she needs to talk to Mack first she can. I did for Christ's sake.
"No. I'm ready," Suzanne says in her fake, louder than usual voice. I also know that voice of hers well. It's the one she uses when she's trying to hide she's scared shitless, which naturally makes me want to hold her hand right now for support.
"If you're sure, please go ahead," Mack prompts again and I could kill him for pushing her even though I want her to get on with it myself.
Turning to me visibly inhaling, Suzanne makes eye contact in a way that looks both weird from her and too intense for anyone. I hate when she struggles to speak to me.
"I would like a divorce, Z."
Okay, not what I was expecting. Neither is the grin I can't help from spreading across my face.
"Try again, love," I smirk turning my whole body to face her.
Staring at me, Suzanne actually works up the nerve to continue her bullshit. "Um, I'm serious, Z. I've thought about it, I really have, and I've decided I would like us to get a divorce." When Suzanne says it again I actually laugh as her face pales and her eyes look quickly to Mack for help I assume. Well, she's not getting any help from him this time.
"That's not happening, Suzanne," I say standing with the most purpose I've felt in 2 fucking months. Turning to Suzanne as she pushes back in her chair a little, I don't care that she looks like she feels threatened suddenly. If she actually feels threatened by me physically, I'm gonna tell her off for that, too.
"We're not getting a divorce. Period."
"But-"
Leaning right into her face with my hands on the chair arms, Suzanne's eyes widen in alarm, but I don't give a shit.
"Are you leaving tonight or tomorrow morning?" I ask to surprise on her face. "Of course I know about your release. Do you really think there's anything I don't know about you?"
"Um..." she actually gulps like I've confused her again.
"Today. Or. Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow morning," she whispers.
"Fine. I'll be here at 9:00 to pick you up."
"But I want a divorce," she squeaks pathetically.
"And I said that's not going to happen. So cut the shit, Suzanne. You've taken your moment. Another long goddamn moment that excluded me. A moment that was 2 fucking months long, and I'm done waiting around for you," I smile sadistically as she shakes a little below me.
"I wasn't taking a moment, Z. I was trying to get better."
"Yes, trying to get better. And when you couldn't figure out how to deal with anything, you decided to push away the one thing, the one person offering you happiness. And I won't have it. I'm not allowing it again."
"I wasn't doing that," she shakes her head.
"You were. And it's not going to happen. We're not getting a divorce, and you're not pushing me away again. You owe me this, Suzanne."
"I owe you everything," she nearly cries which breaks my heart again. But I’m not getting distracted this time by her sadness and insecurities.
"That's not what I meant. You owe me a chance at this marriage that I love, because I've given you a hundred chances to not fuck us over with all your shit- even though you keep trying to," I actually growl closer to her face. "And it stops today."
Panicking a little, Suzanne tries to look around me for Mack until I move to block him from her view. Mack's a smart man though, and he's not helping or jumping in, which is good. Because right now I feel pretty pissed at everything and I don't want to go after him in my frustration.
"I wasn't trying to fuck anything up. I'm trying to do the opposite," she actually cries. "I want you to not have a fucked up life, Z."
"Really? Well, as I said, then stop the shit. Do you love me?"
"Yes, but-"
"Nope. There's no but. You love me, and I love you, and I've had enough Suzanne shit for a goddamn lifetime. So this time you're going to do something for me. You are going to give back to me all the love and patience I've always given to you. Understood?" I ask like a total threat. But again, I don't care if I sound too aggressive. I need her to get me this time.
"Ah..." she looks confused I think. Fine, I’ll help her confusion.
"Suzanne. I’m picking you up at 9:00 tomorrow morning and we're going home together for the first time in 2 months. I've never asked you for anything," I say fiercely as she unconsciously nods. "And I'm not asking you for this. I'm telling you. I am picking you up at 9:00 tomorrow morning, and you are coming home with me."
Gasping, she tries again. "But you should have a good life!"
"I do have a good life with you. But I'm not naive. I know we'll probably fight and struggle until we figure this shit out, and I'm prepared for that. Fuck, we may even fall madly in love with each other again if we're given the chance."
"Z..." she begs crying.
"I don't give a shit what happens, but we're doing it together. That's all there is now. You and me. Your fucked up past doesn't exist in our marriage, it exists in your old life. And our marriage has nothing to do with your past. It's always been about the future we want together. Am I right?"
"Yes, but-"
Shaking my head I cut her off again. "Tomorrow morning I'm picking you up, because I'm making a decision for us for once. You don't get to make all the decisions, and you don't get to decide when we're over. I get a say in our life together and I get to make some decisions between us. Do you understand?"
"Yes," she whispers looking freaked out still.
Leaning into her slowly, I kiss her lips as she gasps against me taking the air right from my lungs as my arms shake holding me up.
"You are coming home with me tomorrow morning, and we are NOT getting a divorce," I growl against her lips.
Waiting, Suzanne actually leans into my lips harder and whispers okay against my mouth as I expel the breath I've been holding tightly in my chest for the past 2 months.
"Done." Pulling away from her quickly, the shocked look on her face makes me bark a quick laugh, but I still don't care. "You're not pulling this shit with me anymore. I love you, and I have been by your side through all the nightmares, but it’s time to give me something back now, Suzanne. You."
"But-"
Smiling, I'm through listening to all the reasons she thinks I'm better off without her. "And don't do anything stupid before tomorrow morning, love, or I'll just drag your ass out of here kicking and screaming. Got it?"
Nodding, with her eyes wide and her hands shaking she whispers, "Yes," and that's all I need.
"Good," I nod firmly so she understands I'm not fucking around. "I love you and I'll see you in the morning," I grin before walking around her chair for the door. "See you in the morning, Mack," I turn to see him covering his own grin with his hand before I finally walk out the door abruptly.
Jesus Christ! The adrenaline pumping through my veins is making me so fucking light-headed I feel like I need to hop on a tread mill or something. Actually, I just need to run off all the anxiety, and pressure, and relief, and the adrenaline spiking through me all at once.
Zipping my jacket, I throw open the door to the crisp New York air and I just start running. I'm sure I'll quit way before I make it to the hotel but I don't give a flying fuck. I'll cab it back to my SUV later. I need this right now. I need to run all this shit away.
I need to run from the picture I'll never forget of the beautiful little girl who tortures my nightmares. I need to run far away from her past and my father's place in it, and I need to run from the divorce Suzanne will never get from me.
She's fucking delusional if she act
ually thought I would agree with her. She's fucked up, and delusional, and stubborn, and really pretty fucking exhausting. But she's my Suzanne and I will never let her go, no matter how hard she fights us.
"Fuck that," I exhale on a laugh before picking up my pace to run away from our past to start our lives again. Again.
➰➰➰➰➰
Um... Holy shit! Giggling, I feel like I'm going to throw up when Z closes the door behind him with a snap.
Whipping my head back toward Mack I ask, "What the hell just happened?" Before I burst out laughing.
"Well, Suzanne, I believe you just had your ass handed to you by Z," he grins as I laugh again. "How did that feel?"
"Shocking? I don't know. Um..." Wow, I'm just stunned. "Who the hell was that?"
Grinning, Mack says simply, "That was Z- no holds barred. I think he finally realized like I did some time ago that you don't respond well to coddling. So I believe he may have tried a more direct approach with you," Mack tries to say seriously, but his eyes are dancing with laughter.
"No shit," I giggle shaking my head again.
I have NO idea what just happened, or what the hell Z did to me. I was so sure of my decision to get a divorce before, but now I think I may have been wrong. Well, obviously I was wrong. But wow. That Z was hot. And scary. And sexy. And like, oh! "Dominant much?" I say out loud laughing again at my stupidity.
"He can be," Mack agrees. "Did it bother you?"
Thinking about it, yes he scared me a little but not in the physical way I'm usually afraid of people. Z isn't like that for me. Z is more just scary when he's so serious, and I can't really fight it, and really, I don't think I want to. I think I like Z taking the pressure away from me sometimes.