"But you-"
"Were sneaky. And manipulative, and too overprotective, I know. I did everything wrong Wednesday morning, but it was for the right reasons I think. I did it to keep you feeling happy for just a little while longer. That's all it was. I don't think you're weak, and I do trust you to deal with everything going on around you. I just didn't want you to have to deal with it Wednesday morning. I figured we’d have time to deal with it later. But then you didn't bring it up, and I was happy to let it go," he exhales again, almost pleading with me to understand.
"Okay. I understand. But you can't do that ever again. No matter what you think I'll do, or what my reaction will be. You can't hide anything from me, Z. You know that. We either do this together, or we don't at all. You promised me that, remember?"
Nodding, he says firmly, "I do."
"Okay. I don't want to talk about that pig Sheran tonight, or what happened, or what this means for me. But tomorrow after the wedding brunch you have to promise to tell me everyone you know. Okay?"
"Absolutely. Can I just say one more thing?"
"Of course," I agree bracing for more.
"Suzanne, you are the strongest person I have ever known. Please don't ever think I don't feel that or believe it. That isn't why I get all protective, or why I overreact from time to time regarding your safety. You need emotional security in your life, and I need to be the one who provides it. That's how we work, and I love how we work. I love that you can come to me with anything, and I love that I try to fix everything. You feel most secure when you're with me, right?" He asks as I nod yes. "Well, that security is what makes me happiest. When you need something, I need to be the one to provide it. Sometimes, I just go a little too far though, like on Wednesday morning. But it is never because I think you're weak, or because I don't trust you. It’s only because I want to be the man who loves and protects you. I promise you, Suzanne." Pulling me into his arms, we have a collective exhale and cuddle up until the tension slowly slips away from our bodies.
"Z, I really don't want to go tonight," I whisper against his chest.
"Good. Because I really don't want to either. Let's just have a Saturday night in together," he says against my head as I squeeze him a little tighter.
"Can you help me get the 412 bobby pins out of my hair?" I laugh pulling away.
"Certainly. But then I also get to strip you of this dress as well," he replies seriously, followed by an eyebrow wiggle.
"Yes, please..."
CHAPTER 2
Watching Z enter our bedroom makes my heart speed up as usual. Looking at his face looking at me makes me smile. Looking at his return smile makes me hungry for him.
"Hi, Love. How was your day?"
"Good. I thought about you all day. It was weird. Oh! Ha. Not like that. I always think of you, just more today," I say grinning like an idiot.
Smiling back at my stupidity, Z walks toward me, leans down and gives me a quick kiss hello. "Why more..." kiss "... today?"
"I don't know. The wedding, I guess. Kayla is so cute right now. Well, as cute as a 6 foot bridezilla can be. Anyway, she was brutal today, barking and demanding at her mom and even at me a few times, but then she suddenly stopped, plopped down in the chair beside me, took my hand and whispered, 'God, I love him, Suzanne.' And when I nodded her eyes filled with tears until mine did as well and then she yelled at me to stop crying like a wuss. It was just so cute I hugged her tight and told her Mack felt the same about her. But with only 3 days to go, it seems like she isn't enjoying anything about this wedding which is kind of sad."
"And that made you think of me?" He asks smirking.
"No. After she had another freak out 5 minutes later because she couldn't choose between the 2 shades of purple table clothes, I thought of how grateful I was that we didn't have a wedding like theirs."
"I would have that kind of wedding in a second. I would do all of that for you," he smiles sitting beside me on our bed.
Shaking my head no, I'm glad we didn't. "No, thank you. Ours was perfect. Spontaneous. 2 witnesses. No fuss and no drama. Our wedding was perfect for us," I say wrapping my arms around Z's side.
"Can I be honest?" Z asks turning me in his arms as we lean against the headboard together.
"Of course. Unless it's mean- then lie to me," I grin.
"When am I ever mean to you?" Z asks kissing the back of my head.
"There was that time last Wednesday when I made the Swiss steak that you hated."
Barking a laugh, Z squeezes me tighter while muffling his laughter in my hair. Trying to turn to him, he holds me tightly where I am until just the sound of his laughter against me makes me start laughing a little.
"I wasn't being mean, love. Actually, I was being very, very kind to both of us," he says still laughing.
He really was doing us a kindness by pulling away our plates of horrible leather meat mixed with the worst tasting chunky, watery, reddish sauce imaginable.
I remember that afternoon and I'm not sure what happened. I either misread the ingredients, or didn't follow the directions, or maybe just added my own take to the recipe. But whatever happened, it was truly, undeniably atrocious.
"That was a weird day, I know," I laugh once more thinking about his initial face, followed by the hard gulp, finished with a stunned expression as he picked up our plates and walked quickly to the kitchen to dump them.
At first I was shocked and pissed off, but I too was still trying to chew and swallow the inedible food in my mouth. So I got over his dinner rebuff pretty damn quick once I swallowed and we made grilled cheese sandwiches instead.
"How are you feeling?" Z asks quietly against my hair as all his laughter fades.
"I'm fine, Z. I promise I'm good."
"You've been grinding your teeth badly and lashing out a little at night."
"Oh, well I always do."
"Actually, you haven't in quite a while. Is there something going on besides Sheran? Something else you're struggling with? Suzanne, you can tell me anything. You know that. I will always-"
"I'm perfectly fine, Z," I say turning in his arms.
I know he worries about me, but I'm sure I'm fine right now. Kissing Z, I try to stop him from worrying, but he's not really into it I can tell. His hands haven't gone for my face to pull me close, and his body hasn't moved against me as it usually does when I'm this close to him.
"Please stop looking for problems that aren't there, Z," I huff against his lips.
Pulling away from my face Z looks intensely at my eyes. "Really, Suzanne?" Z replies with a bit of tone.
Trying hard to ease the situation, I climb Z's legs to straddle him and kiss him desperately as I breathe into his mouth. I don't want tension, and I don't want to argue. Not that we argue much; we're actually pretty great with each other. But I can feel this tension is the kind that'll lead to distance between us, and I don't want any distance.
"Suzanne?"
"I'm sorry. It's just you think something's going on with me and there isn't. But the more I say there isn't it sounds like I'm protesting too much, which makes you think there IS something going on. But there really isn't right now. I would tell you if there was, I promise."
Looking at my eyes closely like he always does when I speak to him, Z seems to accept the truth in front of him. I do tell Z almost everything, and I would tell him if something was wrong, but I know there isn't this time.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I love that you worry about me, but I would tell you. Don't I always tell you?" And smiling, I think of Kayla and her red rosettes, and how unknowingly I had smashed them all to shit with a mallet in her kitchen. "Remember the rosettes?" I grin.
Nodding, Z smiles again. "I remember. I've never heard Kayla sounding so shrill before yelling at Mack and I to get the hell to her apartment to get your crazy ass out of there."
Laughing, I remember coming back to myself with the mallet as Chicago Kayla reached for me while Mrs. Rina
ldi stared silently for once while I got my shit together.
God, they really did look like drops of blood all over her kitchen counter. And before I knew it I was crying and smashing the hell out of them, shaking and struggling until there was nothing left but red powdery sugar all over Kayla's counter until Chicago Kayla yanked the mallet from my shaking hand.
Smiling at the weird memory, I'm glad those moments are few and far between. I’m also glad I rarely have panic attacks, and rarely freak out anymore. Since Z and I have been together I've grown very strong, sane, and happy.
Looking in his dark brown eyes as he watches me I can't help the smile from spreading across my face.
"I love you," I whisper before kissing him again.
Straddling his lap with his arms wrapped around my waist I kneel up and kiss him harder.
I love, love, love kissing Z. I always have. When Z kisses me there is nothing in the world but us. I have no past when we kiss, and my future looks amazing.
Slowly moving on Z's growing erection, I deepen our kiss as his hands travel up my back. Pushing harder into his chest, I can't get enough of his kiss. As usual, Z is deep, and dark, and delicious against me. He is everything in every moment between us.
"Take what you need, love," he groans against my mouth as I smile. God, I love those little expressions of his, and I love that I can take or give with Z always. He loves me and gives or takes as we each need, whenever we need each other.
Pulling away, I lift my black silk nightie overhead and wait for the heat to come into his eyes, which it always does. And there it is instantly. His eyes always narrow slightly, highlighting how long his lashes are, and his breathing always gets deeper when we're together like this.
Pushing my body back a little from him with a kiss, he quickly unbuttons his dress shirt. Kissing me as he strains, he shoulders out of his shirt while my hands slide down his chest to his sexy as hell stomach. Nothing like my super white, slightly flabby, scarred stomach, Z's is ripped and dark, and so lickable, I never get enough of touching him.
Looking at the tattoo of me on his heart, my hand massages it and him. The beautiful strawberry blonde with the stunning blue eyes looking back at me never seizes to amaze me.
I am HER... And over time I actually felt and became her with Z. On his gorgeous chest, against his heart sits the stunning woman smiling back at me. THIS is me... with Z. And when we’re together like this, we are US…
"I love when you look at me like that," Z whispers before palming my head for a deeper, harder kiss. It is the kind of kiss you use to center you. The kind of kiss that makes you feel alive and whole. It is the kind of kiss I have only ever known with Z.
Moving my hands to his pants, I quickly rip the button through and unzip him in my hands. When I tug at his pants and boxer briefs, Z bends his knees against me and lifts us to help me remove them as I sit up on my own knees. Kicking his legs out of his clothes, Z is suddenly naked under me as I settle back against his erection for another kiss.
Cupping my breasts in his hands, Z tugs and lightly pinches my nipples between his fingers as I push closer to his hands. Z knows what I like and he knows the balance between the pleasure I need and the pain I fear, and his touch is always perfect for me. He is perfect for me.
Lifting again, I take Z's erection in my hand for a few strokes until shifting I attempt penetration. Rocking back and forth, I try, but I'm a little too dry still and he's a little too big always.
"Let me help you," he breathes against my mouth again as I moan.
Lifting my hips right off of him, Z shimmies down the bed quickly until I'm holding the headboard positioned right over his mouth. Looking down my body, Z's eyes match mine and when he suddenly tongues me slowly I cry out against him.
With eyes that never leave mine, Z flattens his tongue against me and licks me slowly from back to front until he flicks my clit as I settle closer to his mouth.
Oh god... His eyes. It's always his eyes for me. Everything good and bad between us has always been in his eyes. When I almost died I remember his beautiful marble eyes crying for me. And when he held me after Thomas died, it was his eyes that centered me. When he married me it was his eyes smiling that pushed me to say 'I do'.
Why does tonight feel so different?
Z and I have sex all the time. We have hot sex, fun sex, and sexy sex. We make love frequently, and we even fuck from time to time which is amazing.
But tonight feels different and I don't know why. Tonight I really see him and my heart hurts. Tonight I really feel Z with such love I can't hold in the emotion.
“Please don't cry, love,” he whispers against my wet flesh as I smile down at him.
"They're definitely good tears," I whisper back wiping away the tears from my cheeks.
Lifting me and pulling me back down his chest, I'm laid flat against his chest as I try to impale myself on him. Stretching backward, my hand moves back to his erection as I rock against it and slowly take him in. Sitting up, Z leans forward to kiss me again as I start my slow sexy decent on him.
Pushing Z back flat I rise on my knees with my hands on his chest and I start to move. Slow and tentative at first while I adjust, then faster and harder as I start to feel. Leaning forward and away, my hips rock as his knees bend behind me. Thrusting into me as I lower, I moan and shake as my need builds.
When Z raises a hand to my mouth, I open for him. Sinking his thumb in my mouth I suck as hard as I can and feel a harder thrust inside me. Wetting his thumb he pulls away with a groan until he trails down my body, pinching my nipples as he ends his slow torture on my clit.
Circling and pressing down on my body, I'm instantly aroused higher. Gasping and quickening my movements, I need more of him. I need him inside me harder and I want him in me deeper.
"Please..." I cry out suddenly.
"Take me," he growls as I move harder.
No longer a sexy rhythm, my movements become crazed and aggressive. My body lifts and crashes down on Z as he grunts and lifts beneath me. I'm crying out and groaning and moving and breathing in shallow bursts as I feel myself burn inside forever. No matter how long, no matter how hard I take him in, the burn continues but nothing happens.
I can't get over, and I can't get there. I'm burning and struggling but my release is just out of reach.
"No. No. No..." I chant.
"Suzanne?" Shaking my head, I'm not doing this. Not this time. I am not losing this time. "Suzanne. Stop, love." No!
Frantically I bounce on his body as I try desperately to get there. When Z suddenly sits up I push his chest back down as hard as I can and shake my head no.
I'm fine. Everything is fine. There is nothing wrong, and I want to come with Z. Shit.
"Help me!" I scream desperately as Z attempts to rise again before I shake my head no. I don't want him to soothe me, or kiss me, or talk to me. I want him to get me off!
And then he does that thing to my body and I immediately go from frustrated to holy shit in a second. Rubbing my clit, and pushing and wetting me again with his wet fingers from his own mouth, I'm almost there. It's RIGHT there. I'm almost over…
"Ohhhhh.... Um?" Shaking my head I try to stay coherent. I'm with Z. Nothing is wrong. Everything is really, really NOT wrong. And I'm with Z.
"Suzanne, let go. Right now. Let go for me," Z begs and I do.
Looking at his dark eyes tight and hard waiting for me, I can finally feel my body letting go.
Screaming and grunting another hard orgasm, Z is all I know, and smell, and taste, and feel around me. Z is everything right here, right now with me. I am with Z and everything is okay.
Collapsing on his chest, his arms immediately circle me to pull me tighter to him. Gasping the after effects of my orgasm, I writhe a little against him as I try to breathe fully.
"I love you," I whisper against his damp chest as he pulls me in tighter.
Breathing in slower, I try to stop my pounding chest while I acclimate to our room. Rolling
off Z to his side, I feel myself pull from him and realize quite quickly he's still hard. Like rock hard. As I look at his erection lying on his stomach I also realize I have a complete lack of moisture between my legs from Z, and I'm stunned. We always come together. Always.
Sitting up on my elbow, I don't even know what to say as Z lies silently beside me staring at my face. With his dark eyes waiting for something from me, I don't know what to say.
"Why didn't you...?"
"It's okay, Suzanne. I didn't feel the need, and tonight was about you," Z says calmly.
Looking at Z, I'm struck with the memory of our very first time together. I remember the tacky hotel room outside of Chicago where it all began for us. The time when I didn't know anything about my past, and I didn't know anything about what was to happen to me. In that hotel room I remember I was a scared married woman fighting her attraction and want for a man way out of her league.
Gulping the memory down, I whisper, "You didn't feel the need?" What the hell does that mean? And why doesn't Z want me anymore? He always wants me.
Leaning into me, Z kisses my forehead and releases a breath against my head like he's thinking of what to say to me. Attempting to pull me over his body again, I fight him. I have NO idea what's happening here, but as the seconds tick by I want to cry in his arms until I understand why he doesn't want me anymore.
"I see..." I mumble as my heart breaks. I knew this would happen eventually.
Pulling away from Z, he holds my arm before I rise off the bed. "Don't go, Suzanne. We need to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about. You didn't want me, and I’m fine."
"Suzanne. That's not what happened. I do want you."
"Whatever. It doesn't matter," I smile as I slip off the bed, pulling the throw blanket from the end to cover my nudity quickly.
"Stop, love," Z barks and I stop my retreat instantly. I hate that commanding voice he uses sometimes because it always works on me. The need to please, though relatively dormant in me now, still surfaces from time to time, especially when Z uses that voice on me.