Grinning, she plugs her ears and hums when Z leans down to my mouth. Taking the opportunity, I kiss his ear before whispering the secret name I thought of but couldn't acknowledge before this moment for my beautiful daughter.
"Oh. It's perfect," Z agrees tearing up a little as he pulls away. Waiting to be sure, he nods again. "Yes. That's perfect, love. And I think she suits it," Z touches our baby's cheek slightly.
"What is it?" Kayla yells turning to us. Nodding at me, I inhale before speaking the forbidden name I’ve loved all along for my daughter.
"Mackenzie Kayla Zinfandel," I flinch and grab my baby when Kayla actually screams and claps and dives for my face.
"I LOVE it! Oh, it's awesome. Baby Mack for a girl even. Ha! And with the Kayla middle name, Kayla can't be too pissed at the Marty exclusion," she laughs. "Oh, I just love it. And she does look like a little Mackenzie. Oh, Suzanne... Seriously, I just love you, and her, and you," she smiles at Z. "And this is just the best day. And I'm so happy I was here, and I have to call Mack and-"
"Let me tell him her name, okay?"
"Of course. I wouldn't dare. I know what my Mack means to you."
"Thank you. I'm glad you know what my Mack means to me," I smirk before she kisses me again on the forehead.
"Okay. I've got to take her to the ward, but we'll meet you when you're transferred to your room in about an hour. Why don't you two rest up for now? Z those chairs are comfy on purpose," she motions to the uglyass lounge chair in the corner. "I'll bring her back to you soon, and I won't place her name on the glass until you've told everyone her name. For now she'll just be 'baby girl Zinfandel'. Good?"
"Thank you. Um, will you be careful-" I stop looking at Kayla lifting Mackenzie from my chest lightly with a kiss on her head.
"Of course I will. She's my niece, Suzanne," she smiles making me tear up again. "Rest for a little bit until you're moved because once she's in your room and all yours, you'll never rest again. You'll see."
After the door closes quietly I find myself trying to process everything I've just been through, am going to go through, and just, yeah... my head is spinning.
"You know what, Suzanne?" Z asks leaning against my bed beside me. Actually lifting my head so it rests on his arm, Z removes his silly cap and exhales deeply. "As hard as this is for me to believe, I actually feel more in love with you than ever before." Kissing my lips as they part on a little gasp Z whispers, "I am more in love with you than before."
Burying his head in my neck I let everything take me as the exhaustion and nerves and panic and happiness take over. Bursting into tears, Z doesn't shush me or try to distract me like he usually does. He just lets me bawl my eyes out in his arms forever it seems.
Eventually pulling away to kiss me again, I see his own eyes red rimmed and shiny- like the beautiful marble eyes of my memories. Telling me to rest while I can, Z pulls up the uglyass lounge chair beside me, holds my hand to settle in while I take a quick rest.
“We did it, Z,” I turn to him watching me.
“We did, love. And I’ve never been happier in my life.”
“Me either…” I whisper stunned by my newest amazing reality.
CHAPTER 32
Sitting in my raised bed, Z has helped me put on my normal clothes up top, and even held the mirror up to my face while I checked and reapplied my foundation. Smiling, giggling, and basically being stupid with each other, I'm nervous and excited Mackenzie is coming to my room any minute, followed by everyone else apparently.
"Do I look okay? Like covered up properly?" I ask when he puts my makeup bag back in my suitcase in the little closet.
"You look completely covered, lovely, and not like a woman who just had a baby an hour and a half ago. But how do you feel? Sore?"
Nodding, I really am. But it's like a full body sore somehow as all the numbness slowly fades. The pain doesn't seem concentrated on my nasty stomach like I thought I remembered from when I had Thomas. And actually...
"I'm sorry, but would you help me cover this up?" I ask blushing. This man has seen every one of my nooks and crannies, my scars, and even my insides at this point, yet asking him to look and cover my pee bag still makes me blush like a loser.
"Of course," he doesn't even pause. As usual.
Waiting patiently with Z holding my hand Kayla finally walks in pushing the plastic baby bassinette with my daughter. God, that still sounds really weird in my head.
"Are you ready for this little princess?" Kayla beams and I really am. "The picture guy will be around in a few minutes, so-"
"I've hired my own," Z says abruptly as both Kayla and I look at him. Shit. I understand what he’s thinking so quickly, I'm almost winded trying to pull my baby closer to my bed.
"Pictures..."
Helping move my weak, still partially numb legs closer to the edge, Z nods. "Pictures are for us and our family and our close friends. So I'm not risking someone looking to make some money by selling her pictures without our consent." Spoken without emotion I see his hidden concern and even anger, but just before I continue the conversation Mackenzie starts crying and everything stops again.
Looking at her in her plastic little house, I beg, "What do I do?" as I start to panic a little.
"You hold her and nurse her often. She just wants some attention, Suzanne, that's all. She misses being with you every minutes of every day for the last 9 months."
"Oh." Wow, said like that, I'd probably cry to. "Can you hand her to me?"
Waiting, Kayla gently lifts her to me and as I settle Mackenzie on my chest those weird noises I can't explain that I make for baby Matthew take over, and they work. Jesus, they actually work and she stops crying almost immediately. Holding her close I feel like I've got this.
"You should nurse her again Suzanne because the first time wasn't enough, and everyone is here dying to see her. Even Kayla took today off to be here all day with you."
"She did?" Kayla's a workaholic or a Martyoholic, so giving up a whole day NOT shopping, working, or doing Marty is pretty rare for her.
When Z holds Mackenzie to me, I try to learn the blanket toss, boob not exposed thing Kayla can do but instead get caught up in it, scare my baby and jump when she cries again. Okay. Calm down. It's just a boob, and Kayla is in semi-nurse mode, so I'll deal.
Trying again, I get Mackenzie where she needs to be when Kayla just goes for it again.
"Here, lift your boob to her mouth and kind of rub along her cheekbone to make her open- there. See, she gets it. And right now, she'll feed often but just for a few minutes then she'll fall asleep like all babies do."
"Thank you. I'm not sure about any of this. I did read all the books though," I admit like a bit of a loser but it's true. They tell to what to do, but it's not quite the same as actually doing it.
"As soon as she drifts off, I'll go get everyone when you're ready. In theory you're not supposed to have more than 2 visitors right after your surgery, but none of the nurses on duty will mess with me, so you're fine. I'll give you some privacy and be back with the troops, okay?"
Looking down at my sweet little baby who Z is watching like she's the most amazing thing he's ever seen, which she kind of is, I realize I want to see Mack desperately.
"Would everyone be offended if I just saw Mack first? Um, is that okay?"
Nodding, Kayla leans back down to me and hugs right over my baby and me as she says softly, "That's okay, Suzanne. And Mack has been dying to see you and meet this little angel all morning." Pulling away to wipe her tears as I choke up, she says, "Don't start your shit," making me gasp a little laugh.
"I'll bring him here in 10 minutes."
"K. And thank you for everything today."
"You're welcome. You did good, Suzanne," she squeezes my hand before hugging Z tightly when he stands up from the side of my bed. "You too, daddeo," she smiles before kissing his cheek.
In the sudden silence after the door closes, I realize I don't know what the hell to do next. Mackenzi
e seems like she's still nursing, kind of, but she's not moving or anything, and I don't know how long I do this for.
"Ah, what now?"
"I have no idea," Z smirks making me grin back. "Is she still feeding?"
"Not really. I mean I don't feel the little pulling anymore, so is she done?" Looking down at her, I don't know. "Yeah, I think she's done. Do I just pull her away?"
"Here let me," he says gently reaching for her as I quickly cover up my chest again with my ugly nursing bra and zip up black hoodie.
Walking to the window, Z's making little cooing noises rocking Mackenzie on his shoulder. Crunched all up close to his face her little bum is sticking out and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. With the light shining around him, and the air in my room lighter, I feel happiness. Plain and never so simple with me- happiness.
I may even feel something much greater than happiness, but I've never felt it before so I don't really know what the word for it is.
Minutes later there's the knock I've been waiting for, and as I yell my come in I see my angel step through the door looking both excited and as calm and handsome as always.
My Mack.
"Thank you," I whisper before realizing I spoke but it doesn't matter. Mack walks directly to me and gently scoops me up into his arms right on my bed. Even though I physically hurt from the movement, I'm so happy I don't care. I'm happy, and Mack did this for me. Time and time again.
Crying in his arms, he silently waits for me to finish. "You did this for me," I moan.
"I certainly hope not," Z suddenly says with a funny scowl and as I clue in to what he's implying I finally burst out laughing as Mack pulls away.
"This was all you, Suzanne. And I'm so happy and proud of you. Can I see her? I'm dying to meet this little one my wife can't stop gushing about."
When Z walks up to Mack and hands my baby to him, Mack is all emotion. Smiling, whispering, and almost babbling to her, Mack doesn't even attempt to hide his emotion from us.
God, I love him, and he deserves so many thank you's from me, thankfully, I have the biggest one to give him back for his love and support always. "I have a surprise for you."
"Oh, yeah?" He grins but doesn't look away from my baby. "And what's that?"
"Um, I'd like to introduce my daughter to you," I whisper and when he hears the inflection he finally turns to look at me. Nodding, he smiles and waits. "Her name is Mackenzie..." I tear up as he stares silently.
"Mackenzie?" Mack asks softly like he’s surprised.
"Mackenzie Kayla," I grin, "Zinfandel. Or baby Mack as your wife calls her already."
Looking over at an emotionally silent Z, Mack nods something to him they understand between each other and then he just openly cry-smiles for me.
"I'm honored, and privileged, and I'm actually speechless which doesn't work well with my profession," he grins at me. "Thank you so much, Suzanne. And Z," he nods again at Z. "I have a namesake," he says almost to himself. "And she's beautiful."
Touching her cheek softly, Mack hugs her a little closer and I'm thrilled I could do this for him. This is the least I owe Mack for always bringing me back to my life and back to my present. Really, for just keeping me alive long enough to actually share this little baby with him.
"I love you, Mack. So, so much. And you've always been my angel, so I wanted her to be your little angel, too, if that's okay?"
Leaning into my side, Mack exhales a very powerful breath of emotion. He seems to almost shake with his feelings for me and Mackenzie. "I love you, too, Suzanne. And this is the best thank you you could've ever given me, and really, the cutest as well," he smiles down at baby Mack.
"We're coming in!" Chicago Kayla yells banging on the door but the spell isn’t broken between me and Mack, it just changes. When Mack looks at me again with his knowing eyes, I finally understand everything he's saying to me holding my daughter and I smile back at him. I understand what his eyes said to me, and I know my daughter will always be safe with Mack watching over her as well.
"Let me seeeeee..." Kayla practically stomps her feet at the door until Z moves to open it for her.
Turning to give me back my daughter, Mack kisses my head, touches her cheek again then stands up wiping his eyes quickly with a grin as I laugh at the manly move.
And then there is a quiet chaos that takes over my room.
Kayla jumps into Z's arms, kisses his cheek, and practically tosses all 6'3 of him out of the way to get to me once she enters. Argh... Pulling Mackenzie in closer, Kayla is all over me in seconds.
"Congratulations, Suzanne! Let me see her," she whines, thankfully quietly so she doesn't wake my baby. Reaching in, I gently let her go to the force that is Kayla.
"Oh! Wow. She really is beautiful. Her face looks almost porcelain she's so pretty. What color is her hair?" She asks already pulling off the little pink bonnet to see just the little dark fluff on the back of her head. Dammit, I hadn't even looked at her hair yet. Actually, I haven't even seen what she looks like outside of her baby blanket yet.
"Hello, little baby... I'm Fabulous Aunt Kayla," she giggles at my sleeping baby. "And I'm going to spoil you rotten, and take you shopping, and babysit you all the time. And we're going to do things your parents don't approve of, and you'll tell me all your secrets, and I’ll teach you all about boys because I know all about boys because I'm your favorite aunt," she continues as I laugh a little at her crazy babbling.
"What's her name? I'm dying to know," she whispers against her head once the bonnet is back in place.
"No yelling while holding her, okay? You'll scare the crap out of her and she's sleeping."
"Yeah, so pass her over," Kayla demands walking in as Chicago Kayla hands her off with a huff.
"Okay... So?"
"Mackenzie Kayla Zinfandel," I say quickly and jump like I knew I would when she screeches.
"Kayla!? After me, right?"
"Of course," I grin when other Kayla sticks her tongue out behind her back.
"Oh, she looks like a Mackenzie. Like a little baby Mack," she actually smiles at Mack understanding my intention. "I think it's perfect, which is lucky for you because I was going to raise hell if you picked some stupid sounding name like Zoe Zinfandel or something," she says with such repulsion on her face I can’t hold it in. Gasping a quick breath, Kayla howls before I do.
"Zoe's not stupid sounding," Z defends which just makes me laugh harder. "It's not. But Mackenzie is better, certainly," he concedes finally laughing at Kayla MacDonald who is literally pissing herself I think until Z pulls my daughter from her arms with a piss off face.
"What?"
"Nothing," Kayla and I say together and thankfully Kayla drops it to stand up looking at my baby again in Z's arms.
"Um, Marty and the Rinaldi's are here, so I’m going to go get them."
"Really?" I look at Kayla who nods when Kayla leaves my room.
"Did you really think my mother would stay away, Suzanne?"
"I didn't know. I just thought-"
"Your daughter just got a set of grandparents to spoil her, so be prepared for drop ins to clean and cook, and drop ins when you need to shower. She's actually pretty great as a grandmother," Mack agrees beside her.
"Okay."
Looking at Z and Mackenzie, he seems so happy suddenly, I wish we were alone so we could talk. Then again, I guess we have all night and really forever to talk to each other about today. So though I want to be alone with Z, I want him to enjoy all this happiness and excitement on this very special day with our new baby.
Once Mrs. Rinaldi hands me flowers and introduces herself as Nonna Mary, she takes my baby and settles in the only chair in my room. Kissing and cooing, she keeps talking to Mr. Rinaldi, or Nonno Frank as he's called to Mackenzie while everyone makes conversation around me.
Joining in when questions are directed at me I watch my baby closely. Not that anyone would drop her or anything, but the fact that's she's so quiet is kind of freaking
me out. I seem to recall being told newborns cry all the time, but mine has cried twice and quickly settled, which though awesome, is scary too.
"Is she okay? Is she breathing?" I suddenly yell at Marty who’s holding her with Kayla by the window. "Is she alive?" I cry out as the silence around us almost strangles me until Z gets right in my face blocking Mackenzie from me.
"Don't, Z. Give her to me. Give her back to me Marty. Now!" I cry as I start to really panic.
When Marty hands her back to me quickly, I lay her on my lap and rip open her tight blanket to be sure. And when her arms do this spread out jump thing, I gasp a quick breath when she cries.
She's fine. And alive. And oh! Her sleeper is so cute, Kayla must've changed her into the 'Mommy's little Angel' sleeper in the nursery.
Oops.
"Sorry," I say to everyone rocking Mackenzie on my shoulder. Shit.
"Suzanne?" Z begs leaning into my body to shield me from everyone.
"I'm sorry. But she wasn't crying like newborns should, and she was so quiet and I just thought maybe something was wrong. But she's breathing... and alive," I finally cry when she quiets again on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I just thought maybe she died or something," I weep into Z's shoulder when he hugs us tightly.
"Kayla?" Z calls out like she has the answers I need.
"Suzanne, look at me," Kayla sits right on my bed as Z pulls away from his hug. "Mackenzie is alive and well, and not going to die. She's quiet because she's like 3 hours old, and because she's just a quiet baby, ya lucky bitch," she smirks at me as I huff a little laugh. "And even if something happened, which it wouldn't, you're in a hospital, Suzanne," she says all duh. "And even when you're home, you know what to do. Think about what you did when Matthew choked on that baby biscuit I gave him 2 weeks ago. I panicked, but you didn't. You just grabbed him from me and laid him on your lap and gently took it from his throat while I stood there panicking. Remember?"
"Yes," I exhale all the crazy. "Sorry. I just freaked a little."