"Please keep her warm. I want this baby to always be warm. I can't have this baby always cold, too."
Gasping my agony, those are my last words for my daughter. That's all that's left of me. And that's the last of my sanity while my new reality destroys me.
➰➰➰➰➰
Watching the Fucking Bitch walk down the hall with the Officer, I want to scream and punch and kick and destroy everything around me. I want to stab people and gouge out their eyes with my fingernails. I want to destroy everyone like I've just been destroyed.
"Suzanne...?" Z touches my arm, but as I turn to him I seethe looking at his red eyes.
"Fuck. You," I snap wheeling back to my bed past his flinch and his silence, beyond Kayla stepping closer to me and Mack calling my name. "Get the fuck out of here. All of you."
"Baby, can I just-"
"If you don't get out of here Z, I'll fucking kill you. I'm not insane, and I'm not losing my shit. I'm perfectly fine. I'm perfectly enraged, and broken, and dying inside. But I'm sane, Z. So fuck you!"
"You're not mad at Z, Suzanne," Mack actually tries to defend him, and I barely stop myself from killing Mack first.
"No, I'm not mad at Z, I'm furious, Mack. And with you! You protected her for all of 12 hours, you piece of shit. 'Trust me, Suzanne'," I sneer. "Fuck you and your trust, and fuck him!" I point at Z.
"Suzanne, that's enough!" Kayla snaps as I laugh at her.
"You want in on this? Really? Who called Kayla? Who fucking told someone I hurt Mackenzie? WHO?"
"I don't know."
"Well, until you do, you can get out of here, too. Because for all I know it was you. I mean come on, Kay, we all know you're not supposed to have any more children, so maybe you thought you'd take mine-"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Z stops me as I laugh at his anger.
"Yes, it is enough. Go home Z. I'm done," I suddenly pick up my phone from my bed and whip it at him as he turns sideways. "You didn't protect me or Mackenzie like you said you would. You just stood and watched her taken away- to god knows where with god knows who so she can be brutalized. So fuck you!"
Walking to the door Kayla doesn't look back at me, and as Mack looks between me and her, his face is so pale I actually laugh.
"Go to your wife and baby, Mack. At least you have one, right?" I laugh like a crazy.
But I swear I don't feel crazy even though I sound like it. I feel anger and sadness and a numbing chill working its way to my heart. But I don’t feel actual crazy this time.
"Z, please leave. I don't want to look at you, and clearly I'm not able to speak to you right now. So do us both a favor and get the fuck out!" I snap my point made quite well.
"Okay, love. I'll see you tomorrow," he adds like a dick as I laugh at him again.
"I doubt I'll want to see you then anyway, but maybe you can fix this for yourself in the meantime. I mean come on… As you said to the lovely Ms. Mason, 'you are sane, you have no mental health issues, and you were going to raise our daughter anyway', right?" I laugh as I use the dreaded finger quotes of our funny past with Mack.
Stepping towards me, Z tries again. "I was desperately lying to her to try to change the situation we were suddenly in."
"It doesn't matter. You fucked up, and now my daughter is gone."
"I didn't do this, Suzanne."
"Oh, I know. I did, of course."
"But I will fix it," he says so angrily I'm surprised he isn't yelling back. Not that it matters to me anymore.
"Whatever," I laugh suddenly turning my back on him as I wheel toward the window. Hearing Z walk closer I tense up but he quickly walks away again. Changed his mind about trying? Good.
"I'll see you tomorrow when you've calmed down," Mack says angrily, and I wish I cared, but I really don't.
I care about no one anymore but the baby I knew for only hours.
When the door closes presumably behind Mack and Z, I laugh again. Wow, I was the raging psycho I'm always accused of being and it felt good. Telling people to fuck off felt good, and hating people feels even better right now. Because without the hatred I'm left only with my devastation.
God, did I really think this would be easy? Did I honestly think I'd have a healthy, living baby and walk out of the hospital to all I've ever wanted with Z? Did I actually think my life would finally be happy?
Looking behind me I see Z placed my cracked iPhone on the table. Shattered beyond repair, when I try to turn it on I can't even see his beautiful face on my screen. Because he's gone, just like she is.
Screaming, I throw my arm across the table and clear it of my phone and a vase of flowers as everything crashes down around me.
Suddenly crying again, I feel my heart stutter once as I gasp, then break in my chest completely. "Did I really believe I could have a happily ever after? What a fucking idiot I am!" I scream to no one but myself as the pain and darkness take me.
LOVE
CHAPTER 34
2 days later after continually refusing Z and Mack, I'm ready to go home. All the nurses know what happened it’s obvious by both the sympathy I get from some, and the glares I get from others. But I don't care anymore. I feel broken inside.
I was spoken to the day before by a social worker at the hospital and I told her the truth. I was mental in the past, but not about Mackenzie. I explained I was happy and mentally healthy, Z and I were very careful, and in no way did I hurt her or even want to. I told the truth as best as I could without crying and screaming the whole time, and she seemed satisfied.
Nodding and writing everything I said down, she actually had very few questions for me regarding my past mental health issues, or my current mental health issues, which are fairly obvious right now. And then she left informing me there would be a home visit to make sure our living arrangements for Mackenzie were suitable should we regain custody of her. Sadly, that’s all I remember because I tuned out when she said I wasn't getting Mackenzie back before the emergency custody hearing on Friday.
After the social worker left I stopped taking my painkillers for my C-Section, and somehow feeling the physical pain of my stomach actually lessens the pain in my chest. At least minimally. Well, nothing actually helps relieve the pain in my heart and nothing stops my body from needing her with me. But sadly, I'm fairly resigned to the fact that this is my life now.
Dragging my suitcase to the nurses’ station, I request all my final paperwork. Waiting, I don't look up because I can't stand to see pregnant women or women with new babies. I can't stand anything anymore and I have nowhere to go.
"We're supposed to wheel you out," the first nurse and pathetic Kayla wannabe says behind me.
"I don't care. I can walk, and I'm leaving. So follow or don't but I'm walking out of here."
"I signed an affidavit yesterday about what I witnessed between you and your daughter."
Turning to her, I have nothing left. I can't even ask if she was pro Suzanne Zinfandel, or against. It doesn't seem to matter anyway because Mackenzie is still gone.
Walking away, she does actually follow me with the wheelchair, down the hall, down the elevators silently, and even to the front doors after what feels like an hour of walking in this shithole they call Mercy. And once again, the irony of being at Mercy when I've been shown none is not lost on me.
"Thanks," I barely acknowledge nurse whatever as I push open the doors to a blast of cold winter in my face.
Turning left and right, I know I have to walk for miles to get to any main road out of the exhausting parking lots of Mercy. So I begin, and quickly stop when the cold and wind get to me.
What the hell am I doing, and where the hell am I going?
Parking my suitcase, I sit down slowly on the little cement parking bump between cars and try to figure out what I do now. Blowing on my hands, nothing seems to warm me anymore and all drama aside, which is like the funniest statement ever coming from me, I really don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going anymore.
I thought I'd cab it
to a hotel, or walk forever until I figured something out. But after 2 and a half days alone, and only walking for 10 minutes in this cold I have figured out nothing besides I was mean to the people I love because I had to hate someone for the situation I caused Z, Mackenzie, and myself, whether intentionally or not.
Jesus Christ, it's cold.
Sniffing and laughing at myself, my stomach hurts so bad from shivering it seems a little just somehow. I probably should be punished for ruining Z's life, getting his daughter taken away, and then screaming horrible things at him because of it all. So yeah, I think a little physical pain is the least I deserve.
"Suzanne?" Wow. Really?
Turning I can't believe Z is walking toward me between parked cars. How the hell can he even see me? It's not like my head is even level with the goddamn cars I'm sitting between.
"Hi," I whisper casually wiping my nose on my frozen coat sleeve.
"What are you doing?"
"Sitting," I huff a laugh but he doesn't engage my stupid like he usually does.
"Why didn't you wait for me to pick you up? I told you I'd be there at 11:00."
"Ah, I didn't know if you really wanted to get me, or just felt obligated or something."
"Suzanne, let’s go," Z says angrily. Looking up at him, I know why he's pissed at me but I don't know how to deal with it right now. "Stand up and let's go. My truck is only a few rows away." Again with the tone, and I still don't know how to move.
Staring up at Z, the shivering has taken hold of me so thoroughly, my teeth are chattering and my stomach is cramping it's so sore, but I still can't move.
Leaning down to my face, Z breathes the only words I've ever feared in my life. "If you don't get in my fucking truck right now I'll leave you here, Suzanne," he growls with the implication so obvious but unspoken, I gasp. "That's right. I'm sick of doing everything by myself when you snap, and I'm really fucking tired of your outbursts. So if you want to salvage anything between us, you'll stand up and get moving to my truck. Otherwise, I'm walking away and doing this by myself."
Placing my hand on the cement bump I've been sitting on to push myself up, I notice first Z isn't joking and second, he isn't helping me like he normally would. Once upright, I can't help flinch at the pain I'm in when my stomach pulls and the stitches threaten to tear from the cold.
God, my skin feels so brittle suddenly, but when Z simply walks away, I grab my luggage and follow like a puppy in trouble. Which really I am at this point, I laugh once nervously before he hears me.
Walking feet from the truck, I hear the door locks click open but still Z doesn't help me like he usually does. Opening the door, just the thought of lifting myself inside almost makes me panic so after placing my suitcase in the back, I grab hold of the handle and force myself in quickly with a loud humph and cry as I get in the seat. And he still doesn't acknowledge me.
Honesty, this is so unlike Z, not only with the lack of help, but without the questions concerning me. His silence is unlike anything I've ever experienced with him, no matter what I've done or said before. And I'm scared I've finally broken us completely.
God, I remember when Mack explained pushing Z too far until he finally snaps and moves on. I remember hearing the words but not believing them fully. I was actually arrogant enough and so in love with him I didn't think I could push Z too far because I hadn't at that point. But here we are, and I'm suddenly scared to death he's already gone.
"I'm really sor-"
"Fuck. You, Suzanne," Z snarls as I silence immediately. Wow, that hurt my heart and my head and everything else inside me as well. Those words hurt like a knife slashing my skin. They were the same words I said to him, but he's never used them on me before so I didn’t know how awful they felt. Stunned, I actually realize the power they hold suddenly.
"I didn't mean-"
"Don't speak. Don't apologize. Do nothing, Suzanne."
"But-"
Laughing like he's insane I shut my mouth when he starts shaking his head. His hands are squeezing the steering wheel, and he looks like he could crash the truck any second if I speak again. So I close my mouth and fight everything inside me wanting to spew my apologies and upset all over Z.
Unsure of what to do besides being quiet, I make the mistake of looking behind me and when I see the empty carseat base, I can't believe the pain inside can actually feel stronger in my chest. She was supposed to be in this truck with us. And three days ago, I thought she would be. I actually believed we three would walk into our new lives together, but I was wrong again.
God, I wish I knew what was happening to her, but I'm too afraid to ask.
Twenty minutes later pulling into the underground, Z finally turns to me with a look of pure hatred on his face. Internally flinching, I hold myself together for whatever he has to say.
"Your daughter is doing well, Suzanne. Not that you asked about her," he sneers again before quickly throwing open his car door and slamming it with me stunned inside.
Okay, not what I was expecting, but I'm grateful for the news regardless. Shit, I wanted to ask a hundred times. I was going to ask a hundred times, but he told me not to speak. So I didn't.
Opening my door, I realize he's being pretty unfair suddenly, so I slam my own door hoping to get his attention. "I wanted to ask, but you told me not to speak!" I yell at Z's back when he walks halfway toward the lower elevators already.
"Not good enough," he yells over his shoulder still walking.
"Hey! I wanted to ask. But you told me not to speak, Z."
"Whatever," he yells pushing the elevator button so hard I swear he broke his finger. Whatever? Not this time.
Running to Z, I hold my stomach with one hand and reach for his jacket to get his attention. "WHAT?!" He yells down at me and after my initial fear of his anger, I grow a set.
"I tried to apologize for-"
"Being a total bitch?!"
"No, for getting her taken away," I cry. "I was trying to say I was sorry she was taken away from you because of me. I've been thinking of nothing else but you and her and I wanted to say I was sorry for causing this. But you said fuck you, don't speak, don't apologize, and do nothing. You said that. So I didn't ask or speak. Not because I'm wasn't dying to know what's happening-"
"When you refused to speak to me or Mack for the last two days while you closed down and had another episode, leaving me alone and fucked scrambling to figure out what the hell I do to get us out of this mess!?" He yells again silencing me.
Shaking my head, I don't know what to say anymore. I mean this is everything right here and I'm scared I'm going to screw it up if I say the wrong thing.
"I wasn't having an episode, I was staying away so I could figure out what to do to fix this. And when you told me to keep quiet I did because I was respecting your right to hate my guts for ruining both your lives. It wasn't because I'm not dying to know what's happening to Mackenzie," I finally cry a little when he leans his head against the filthy elevator door that has already come and gone once. "How is she?" I whisper as he thaws enough to look down at me.
Whispering his words, he tells me all he can I think. "She seems good, for a 3 day old baby who doesn't have a goddamn clue what's happening around her. Kayla says she's fine, and being cared for properly," he speaks so sadly, I burst into the tears I've been holding since he found me in the parking lot.
"Kayla sees her?" Nodding, Z doesn't speak. "Thank god..." I cry harder.
Pushing the button again Z still doesn't really acknowledge me, but when it opens he does step aside so I enter first which he used to do before he hated me.
Standing beside each other silently, I have never felt so far from Z as I do in this sad moment destroying us.
Opening the door to our condo, I'm assaulted by all things Mackenzie. From the flowers everywhere to the gifts on the dining room table, I'm assaulted and besieged by her horrible absence.
"I didn't know what to do with all her stuff, and I didn't know where you wa
nted it, so," he shrugs walking into the kitchen away from me.
Needing to use the bathroom anyway, I walk away to give Z some time to himself. Standing in my bedroom doorway suddenly I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is still my room, and I don't know if Z wants me in here. Exhaling, I turn for the crazily decorated room that used to be Kayla's and use her bathroom instead.
Finishing up, I realize my stomach incision looks pretty red and actually has kind of a warmth to it I don't think is good, but when I hear Z yelling through the wall I quickly forget about my stomach and run for the living room.
"What's happening?" I beg when Z tosses his cell on the coffee table.
"Absolutely nothing."
"What does that mean?"
"It means nothing is happening. We've been rescheduled from the emergency custody hearing originally set for this afternoon until Monday and no one knows why. The judge bumped us and my lawyers can't understand what's happening."
"Oh." I literally have nothing to add. "What happens Monday?"
"We should win temporary custody of Mackenzie until a formal custody proceeding takes place in a few weeks."
"But if we don't win on Monday?"
"She stays at Cedardale in the custody of the State until an official custody hearing which could take weeks," Z admits so heavily I feel everything he isn’t saying destroying him as I watch.
"Is she safe there?" God, my head is suddenly spinning with what if's.
"Yes," he says quickly, but I don’t know how he can be sure.
"Not to sound like an asshole or anything, but how the hell is this happening? I mean I get the I'm insane part, but with you it doesn't make sense, does it?"
"How so?" Z asks sounding a little more curious then put out speaking to me.