Grabbing my speech, Mack squeezes my hand as I pass, and Z rises from his chair to kiss me gently on the lips for support as I pass him with a nervous smile.
Laying out my little card of notes, I know what I'm going to say. I even have a little poem, Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 as reference to marriage and love, and life as a couple. I wrote everything down so I wouldn't screw up or panic at the time. But now I don't want it.
Starting with the Shakespeare sonnet, I breathe my way through it verbatim and pause at the end. This is such a rehearsed speech, but suddenly I don't want a rehearsed speech. I need to just talk about them from my heart, I think.
"Um, I'm Suzanne, and Mack is my angel and my best friend. And Kayla is the most amazing sister and best friend I could've ever dreamed of having in my life. So, ah, they are my best friends, together and individually, and I love them both so much I can't really explain it. Mack saved me and loved me when I didn't know what love was, and Kayla held me and loved me when I didn't know what real friendship felt like." Don't choke up! Shit.
Taking a big breath, I continue. "I, ah, also get all the credit for getting them together," I smile quickly to a nodding Mack. "I wanted them to get together because I saw something so special in both of them. I knew they were special, so together they would be extra-special," I say like a dork. Ugh... I think I'm screwing this up. Shit.
"Anyway, Mack is always the calm to Kayla's not calm," I smirk as some people laugh. "And Kayla is the fun and light, to Mack's quiet reserve. Um, Mack spends his days with a lot of darkness, trying to help crazy people." Ooops. "Ah, what I mean is Mack has to deal with a lot of sadness and the dark stuff people go through to try to help them because he's a really good Psychiatrist. And Kayla spends her days helping people with her kindness and fun in a world of sickness because she's a really good nurse. So I think Kayla is perfect for Mack because she can help him deal with all the stuff he has to hear and try to deal with by himself when he helps people with their own issues. And I think Mack is perfect for Kayla because of his constant understanding and knowledge of what she'll need in their marriage and life together. So, like I said, I think they are perfect for each other.
"And that's all I can say to you today. Mack and Kayla are my best friends, and I love them, and I know how much they love each other because I've seen it firsthand. Especially when Kayla tested their relationship when she became Bridezilla recently," I add to much laughter, thank god.
"Ah... Please raise your glasses to Mack and Kayla. The two most amazing, loving, supportive people I've ever known. I know they found each other for a reason, and I know they will love each other until death do them part, and even way after that, I believe."
Raising my own glass of water I mumble, 'To Mack and Kayla' as everyone else joins in. Watching everyone smile, I feel good. I think I pulled it off, and I doubt anyone will trash me for my speech later. I spoke from my heart and I know Kayla and Mack would want that from me.
Walking back behind all the groomsmen, Mack stands and hugs me so tightly, I almost choke up but hold it in.
"That was perfect, Suzanne. Thank you so much," he whispers against my hair as I feel Z's hand on my back.
"Enough! God, come here," Kayla laughs pulling me from Mack. Gently crying and sniffling, Kayla hugs me and whispers, "That was perfect, Suzanne. And you have a sister/best friend for life. Thank you for pushing me on Mack," she grins. "And thank you for always being the sweetest person in the room. I love you very much," she says pulling away as I smile like a loser before sitting down beside her.
"Good job, Suzanne," Chicago Kayla pipes up. "But watch how it's really done," she smirks standing up to walk to the podium gracefully.
Looking at Z past Mack and Kayla, he smiles at me so beautifully, my heart feels it, as usual. God, I love that man.
"Hi everyone. I'm Chicago Kayla if you didn't know already, and I'm the better Kayla," she begins to laughter. "Kayla and I met through Suzanne, so I have to thank her as well for not only getting Mack and Kayla together, but for getting me and Kayla together as well. Through a serious of events I found a Kayla I actually liked, and we created a friendship I cherish. We..."
Zoning out, I think of everything we've all been through together. My past and my life, and their lives and futures. I think of my safe people and I thank god every single day for them. I know I have never taken even one moment for granted, and I have never wasted a single second with these people around me.
Together and individually, they have each taught me how to live, and they've taught me what love was. My Kaylas push me to continue moving past my pain, and Mack helps me when I make a mistake, or have a setback. Christ, even Marty has become a champion of mine whenever we see him with his ability to make me laugh with him always.
Looking at Z as Kayla continues to another chorus of laughter, I take in his profile and know nothing but him in this moment. Z is my own version of perfect.
With Z I know I will have a lifetime of love and support and a world filled with as much peace as he can give me. He pushes me when I should be pushed, and he holds me when I need to be held.
Turning to me, it's like he knew I needed to connect with him in this moment, which I did. Wiping my few tears I mouth the words, 'I love you,' as he nods and smiles his gorgeous smile for me. Standing casually, Z walks to me and bends down behind me without trying to interrupt Kayla's speech.
"What is it, love?" He asks in his dark chocolate voice.
"Nothing at all, I'm happy, Z. Totally and completely happy right now. And I love you very much. Um... And when I see Dr. Phillips on Monday I'm going to talk to him so I can figure out how to deal with, ah, so you and I can finally have that conversation you want," I whisper nervously.
Jolting, Z is visibly shocked and wordless until he breathes, "Really?"
"Really. The conversation, Z. But I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight, okay?"
"Understood," he says gravely though I still see the happiness in his crinkled eyes.
Kissing him quickly, I tell him to go back to his seat and with a slow smile and another kiss on my lips, he rises to walk back to his seat just as Kayla is finishing up. God, she's a wordy little bitch, isn't she? I giggle in my sudden nervousness with Z.
Holy shit! What the hell did I just do? Almost panicking, I grab for my water and chug it back like it's the wine I'm suddenly craving to take the edge off what I just decided.
"Thank you," Kayla laughs leaning around me to hug Chicago Kayla.
"I killed it, huh?" Kayla laughs and even Mack leans forward to agree. Shit, I wish I knew what the hell she said.
When Laura and Paola stand up together I almost cringe but hold it in hoping for the best, and thankfully they're done within minutes and it was their best. Gushing about Mack and Kayla, they played the proper part of the supportive younger and older sisters well, and I'm happy Chicago Kayla doesn't have to go after them later.
"Don't be good," I whisper in Kayla's ear as Marty walks toward her for the official bridal party dance. Waiting for Z to take my hand, I see even Z has a grin aimed at Marty and Kayla.
It's a not so secret secret that Mack, Kayla, Z and I all think Kayla and Marty would be an awesome couple, though both protest WAY too much how they would never work.
Personally, I think their relationship would be very spicy together. Filled with fights and hot sex all the time, which though not my thing is definitely Kayla's thing.
"May I, Mrs. Zinfandel? That huge ass-bow looks like it needs to dance," Z says like a smartass as I take his hand toward the dance floor.
"Giant ass-bow is what Kayla calls it too," I laugh as he pushes it around to rest his hands eventually higher on my back than normal.
Turning me into his chest Z bends low to ask how I'm doing. Even with my high 4' heels, Z still has at least 8 inches on me though somehow we always make it work.
"I'm really good," I smile just before he kisses me lightly. "I can't believe it's almost over. It seems lik
e this wedding has been in the works for years now, and I'm almost sad it's over." When Z raises a questioning eyebrow, I quickly amend with a smirk. "Okay, I'm thankful as hell it's over. I think I'm just going to miss all the crazy Kayla time I've had with her."
"She'll still be around. You two always see each other on weekends."
"I know. But it won't really be the same. We'll all go back to normal, which is still pretty good, don't get me wrong. But I kinda like the emergency phone calls and late night drop ins because they make me feel useful and almost special to her."
Leaning in low again as we slowly dance, Z says another perfect Z-ism as I melt in place. "You are special and useful, Suzanne. You make my life happy and filled with love. And you're so special we all love being around you, if for nothing else than to see your beautiful eyes light up when we're around. Don't underestimate your power over all of us. Just seeing you smile makes every one of us smile in return. That's your gift, Suzanne. Truly," Z finishes with a tight squeeze and a kiss on my forehead.
Breathing in Z's scent, I whisper 'thank you' against his chest as he nods against me. Honestly, this guy is too much but in good way. The best way actually.
When the song ends and the dance floor fills with the whole crowd Z asks if I need anything to drink. I'm sure he doesn't mean alcohol and he's just being a gentleman, but I tell him I'm fine anyway as he walks me back to my seat.
Sitting awkwardly in my chair, Z laughs once again at my giant ass-bow as I glare at him before he strolls off for the bar at the other end of the banquet hall.
Waving to a dancing Mrs. and Mr. Rinaldi, I turn just as Kayla drops in the chair beside me.
"Okay, so Marty is kind of hot," she says as an aside to me. "I still don't think he's my type, but I wouldn't mind screwing him once just to test him out."
"Test him out?" I ask surprised.
Grabbing her wine glass Kayla nods as she drinks back the last of it before reaching for another of the endless bottles on our table- a gift from one of Z's wineries.
"Yup. I like to test drive my men before leasing," she laughs at my stunned expression.
Humored by her weird car analogy, I have to ask, "Have you ever thought of just purchasing one ‘sight unseen’?"
"Are you kidding me? Why the hell would I do that? If a man is terrible in bed there's only so much teaching I can do. If he's decent in bed, I have something to work with. But I sure as hell want to know what his stick shift looks like before taking him for a ride," she says as I burst out laughing.
"Jesus Christ! You really do sound like a man, Kayla," I laugh as she nods again.
Looking around us, I spot Z talking to a woman near the bar. A gorgeous woman actually. Even 75 feet away I can tell she's gorgeous. Huh. Well, this jealousy thing just hit me pretty quick.
"Watch this..." I mumble to Kayla, nodding toward the bar. "She'll start throwing her head back laughing and she'll touch his arm any sec-" and then she does it. Just as I predicted, or rather know from the endless women who flirt with Z, their moves are always the same. She's laughed loudly though I couldn't hear it, and she's already holding his forearm as he continues talking to her.
"He's just being friendly, Suzanne. Z is always-" but even Kayla stops talking when they're suddenly hugging. Um. Shit. Z never hugs women but my Kaylas. Actually, he told me he never touches women period. BUT me.
When she starts touching his hair talking to him again, I literally see red. Shaking in my seat, I feel the jealousy growing to nearly unmanageable.
"I've never seen Z flirt before. Like ever, Suzanne. Maybe he knows her really well or something. Z would never flirt," Kayla pauses watching the show. Holy shit!
"I'm going to kill him for this. Seriously," I growl as Kayla shuts up and nods beside me.
Watching Z pulled laughing back to the dance floor as he leaves his drink on the bar, gorgeous woman wraps herself around him as they begin slow dancing and talking very close to each other’s mouths.
“Suzanne, listen to me closely,” Kayla says leaning into my side. “Every part of me sees this, and every part of me wants to go bitch slap him for you. However, this is Z. And Z is madly in love with you, his Suzanne, as he calls you. So though I understand why you might want to kill him as Gorgeous Giggles over there keeps him way too entertained, I honestly think there's another explanation. I also think you need to get over there to remind him you are his wife, remind Gorgeous Giggles he has a wife, and remind yourself that this shit doesn't fly. Got it?”
"Got it. And I'm going to do it before she touches his chest one more goddamn time. And stop calling her gorgeous," I hiss as I stand awkwardly. "Christ! I wish I could get this giant ass-bow off before I approach them," I add as Kayla laughs.
"No such luck. Remember what I said. You need to put this bitch in her place, and then you need to put Z back on point when you get home."
"Oh, I'm gonna kill Z when we get home."
Walking away from Kayla I look back at her just once as she nods for me to engage. Like I need her permission? No way. I'm feeling totally pissed at the show Z’s putting on publicly.
Z always tells me he doesn't notice the flirting, and he tells me he would never flirt back. He says he doesn't touch anyone ever, but as I walk closer I'm just stunned to see him hugging her closer, talking in her ear as she dances wrapped up in his arms. What the hell is this shit?
Pushing my way to him Z spots me immediately, and as he pulls away from Gorgeous Giggles slightly, I jump right in.
Finding my inner Chicago Kayla, I let them have it. "Hello, Z. Remember me? Your wife?" I sneer. And turning to Giggles I quickly continue. "Hi. I'm Z's wife Suzanne, and you are way too close to my husband right now."
"Suzanne-"
"Don't talk to me right now," I snap at Z. "Listen bitch," Ha! I said Bitch! "I get that he's hot and rich and sexy as hell. And I know when you're using your dildo tonight it'll be to thoughts of him, but I won't be."
"Suzanne!" Z yells pulling my arm.
"I'll be fucking him while you're sitting there alone fantasizing about him. Got it, Giggles? Now could you please go rub up on someone else? Because Z, my husband is clearly taken," I finish with just enough anger to make her nod.
Turning back to Z, Gorgeous Giggles actually has the nerve to laugh at me like I'm a joke to her. The BITCH! I'm so gonna rip her face off.
"Suzanne. This is my cousin Lucia who I haven't seen since my parents' funeral." What?! "Neither of us knew she knew the Rinaldi's, so this was a huge surprise for both of us." WHAT?! I can barely breathe as Z continues in his scary pissed off voice.
"I used to visit Lucia and her family every single summer growing up in Italy but sadly we lost touch after my parents died." MOTHER FUCKER! "So though clearly you thought more was going on here, there wasn’t. We are just cousins reconnecting who haven't seen each other in years, who were very happy to share stories with each other about our wonderful spouses," Z finishes with nothing shy of disgust for me. Oh my god.
"And I won't be using a dildo tonight, little one," Little one? "I'll be using my husband over there," Gorgeous, or I guess Lucia says in her thick, sexy as hell Italian accent pointing to a man a few tables away who waves at us all.
Holy shit. What did I do? What the fuck do I do? Ummm...
"I'm sorry," I mumble shaking. "I didn't know, and you're gorgeous, and everyone flirts with Z, and I'm not gorgeous, and I hate it, and I panicked. I'm really very sorry," I cry desperately as I spin on my heels for anywhere but here.
Having my arm grabbed by Z as he says my name is too much right now. I don't want to cause another scene and I feel like a total piece of shit now.
"Suzanne! Stop doing this. You're embarrassing me," he says quietly but his anger is so clear the humiliation of this situation is suddenly strangling me.
"Please leave me alone," I croak just shy of full out sobbing. "I'm sorry," I try again but he won't let me go.
Turning me to him Z is speechless, which makes every
thing so much worse. "Just give me a minute. I need a moment, Z." And that's all it takes for him to release me instantly. Looking stunned and hurt by my word, he released me as quickly as I spoke.
'Taking a moment' is the equivalent of a safe word for us. If I tell Z I need a moment he backs off until I'm ready to talk. He knows the rule, and he always obeys it. I rarely need 'moments' anymore, but this one I need. Badly.
Sprinting for the bridal bathroom, I just close the door when the full crying begins. Shit! Sobbing in the only stall I can't believe how shitty I feel. I made an ass of myself to his cousin, yes. But the way I spoke isn't like me at all. I tried to channel my inner Kayla, but I don't have her in me. I'm not confrontational and I hate anger. I don’t swear at people and I hate being sworn at. I don't like to be angry, and I sure as hell don't like it directed at me anymore.
Planting my fat ass right on the toilet seat I let the tears take me for now. There's no way to fight them, and it's best if I just cry them out so I don't have another episode later.
God, I hate that I embarrassed Z. And I hate that he looked so hurt when I took my moment. I hate being like this and feeling like this. Shit, I keep screwing up lately, and I'm so scared he's going to leave me soon.
I mean really, how much shit can one man take before calling it quits? I think every other man on the planet would've left by now, so I'm just holding him by a thread at this point I think.
I have to stop this shit now though, because between last night’s freak out and tonight's ridiculous performance, I know I'm going to push him too far soon.
God, I need to get my shit together for Z. And I will. I can do that and I will. For Z I can do anything.
"Suzanne?" Chicago Kayla calls out and I want to cry all over again.
Hiding in my stall, I try for just a little more privacy. "I just need a moment, Kayla. Please leave me alone for a minute," I beg but I can almost guarantee she won't follow the ‘moment’ rule.