“Maybe I should,” I said without looking up at first but then had a thought and glanced up at her. “It’s been a while since I’ve visited her grave, and each time I do I feel a little more empowered if that makes sense.”
With all the craziness I’d been feeling lately, it felt like this was exactly what I might need. I needed some kind of empowerment. I needed to feel sane again, and maybe having stayed away from everything Madeline so long was the reason I was feeling so crazy.
Tara smiled with a nod. “It does make sense. It’s just another reminder of how far you’ve come.”
The whole way as we approached Huntsville I debated on whether I should just keep driving through the town I hadn’t revisited in over a year or if I should just man up and do this. Before I could change my mind, I turned off toward where I knew there was a flower shop. Just ordering the Bird of Paradise arrangement had me choking up.
Being the artistic person Madeline was, the exotic flower had always been her favorite. As I paid for the arrangement and the aroma of the flowers hit my senses, I was beginning to think maybe this had been a mistake, but I pushed on. We rode into the cemetery, and as soon as I parked, I got off because I was beginning to think I might chicken out. “I’ll wait here,” Tara said as she got off my bike and handed me the flower arrangement. “I think you should do this alone. Unless you want—”
“No, I need to do this alone.”
She nodded as I walked off before I changed my mind. I knelt down in front of Madeline’s tombstone and put the bouquet down. “Hey, Peanut,” I whispered, swallowing hard because I didn’t want to lose it. “I miss you, baby.”
It was all I could say. Any more and I would’ve been a mess, so everything else I wanted to say to her, I did so inwardly. That I was sorry I hadn’t come to see her lately. That I hadn’t planned on bringing Tara with me today. That I was trying to be happy because I knew it’s what she’d want but I’d never ever be as happy as when she was in my life . . .
My heartfelt thoughts were interrupted when the air in my lungs was suddenly sucked out of me because I felt her presence. Glancing up, I froze when I saw Madeline several tombstones away, standing there staring at me. I blinked behind my dark glasses as my heart swelled with a mixture of euphoria and terror. Euphoria because for years there’d been endless times I’d begged God for the impossible—the chance to see her just one more time. But this terrified me because I knew this couldn’t be real. I’d officially lost my mind.
It wasn’t even until I saw her bring her hand to her mouth in apparent emotion, that I noticed the girl next to her looking concerned. I stood up slowly, removing my glasses as my eyes met with those beautiful baby blues. It can’t be.
She and the girl next to her began walking toward me, and it was then that it dawned on me. This couldn’t possibly be Madeline, but there was a valid explanation for this.
I wasn’t seeing a ghost.
I hadn’t lost my mind.
But I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, and I was still having a hard time breathing even as she reached me. “Maggie?”
She nodded but continued to stare at me, looking as staggered as I felt but also a bit lost. I glanced at her friend, who stared at me in the same way Maggie did, like she was wondering who I was. I turned to meet Maggie’s eyes again then pointed at myself. “Nicolas.” As unlikely as it seemed, it had been seven years, so I had to ask. “You don’t remember me?”
She shook her head. “I never regained my memory after the accident.”
Hearing her voice nearly brought me to my knees. I’d forgotten how exactly alike Madeline and her sister sounded. She explained more about having lost all memory from before the accident then apologized for not remembering me.
Completely lost in those eyes, I explained who I was—Madeline’s boyfriend. She seemed even more staggered by that, and at this point, I could not take my eyes off her. It was like I was seeing a ghost. My beautiful Madeline’s ghost. Neither of us said anything for too long, and I had to wonder why she was looking at me this way. To her, I was a complete stranger, but to me she was . . .
“Wow, this must be so weird for you both,” her friend said, finally breaking the silence.
“Weird doesn’t even begin to cover it,” I said, still locked in Maggie’s eyes.
Maggie introduced me to her friend Clarisse. She explained when I asked if she’d returned to live in Huntsville again, that like us she and her friend were on a weekend road trip. We exchanged a little more small talk as I told her about being rerouted by the fire and ending up here today.
As much as I wanted to stay and keep talking to her, find out more about what she’d been up to all these years and why’d they’d left without saying good-bye to anyone, I knew my time was limited.
I continued to peer at her because I just couldn’t get past how much she looked like Madeline. So much so I’d glanced at her neck several times to make sure she didn’t have the beauty mark I’d kissed so many times.
She didn’t.
This was definitely Maggie, and my insane imagination wouldn’t start jumping to hopeful conclusions. “I wanna say it was nice seeing you again, Maggie. But nice isn’t strong enough a word to describe what this feels like. It’s more like . . . surreal?” I shook my head with a frown. “No. Even that doesn’t do it justice.”
I pulled out one of the cards I’d had made so long ago for that would-be business I dreamed of having with Madeline. When my brothers had gotten me a new phone, they kept the same number, so it was the same one on the card.
I asked her to please stay in touch because I really did want to hear about what she’d been up to. Mostly, I couldn’t get enough of listening to her voice, looking into those beautiful eyes. Glancing back at the grave, I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness again.
“That thing they say about time healing all wounds?” I glanced back at Clarisse and then Maggie as our eyes locked. “It’s bullshit. I’ve given up waiting for it to happen. I’ll never get over her.”
She brought her hand to her mouth as her face scrunched full of emotion. Just as I always had when I’d seen my peanut cry, I didn’t even think about it. I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around her. Touching her—holding her—was everything.
“I never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was about your loss,” I whispered against her ear as I took another look just under it because damn it if she didn’t smell exactly like Madeline too.
Holding her in my arms felt just as it always had when I held Madeline, and my God, I wanted to squeeze her so hard. But the beauty mark—my beauty mark—was definitely not there. So I concentrated on explaining how I kept from losing it completely over the years. “Every time my ass started feeling too sorry for myself, I’d think of you and how hard this must be for you. You two were so close.”
She pulled away, shaking her head. “I don’t remember her.”
That took my breath away because there was no way. No way Maggie wouldn’t remember Madeline. It’d be like me saying I couldn’t remember her. No matter what kind of head injury she’d endured.
I shook my head because I refused to believe it. Her eyes were completely welled up, and the pain she was clearly feeling was palpable.
“Obviously, it still hurts. Maybe your brain doesn’t remember her, but your heart does.”
Her mouth fell ever so slightly as if I’d hit it on the nose, but she went on to explain how she didn’t even know she’d had a sister who died in the accident when she woke from her coma. Loretta hadn’t broken the news that Maggie was a twin until she was out of the hospital and Loretta was given the go-ahead because Maggie’s head injury had been so severe they’d been afraid too traumatic a reaction might be detrimental to her recovery. So they’d waited until they thought she was strong enough.
The longer I stood there looking at her, listening to her, seeing the emotion in her face—the exact face of Madeline, whom I thought I’d never see again—the deeper the ripples
of pain seeped into my once again shattered heart. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away, reminding her to please keep in touch.
Every step I took toward my bike where Tara was waiting for me, I could feel my throat constricting further. Every one of Maggie’s facial expressions, every word out of her mouth brought back all the memories of Madeline and the tormenting reality of how much I’d lost of myself with her death.
I barely remembered what I said to Tara when I reached the bike, but by the look in her eyes, she knew my seeing Maggie—the love of my life’s identical twin—had sent me a hundred steps backward.
Not a word was exchanged the entire ride home as the tears spilled down my face nonstop. By the time I dropped Tara off at her place, I was certain of two things. One: It was a mistake to ask Maggie to keep in touch. Seeing her or even hearing her voice would destroy me all over again. It was cruel to my heart and soul, and I wouldn’t put myself through it again.
Two: I was done with Tara. I’d never be over Madeline, and trying to convince myself I was by pretending to move on was stupid. It wasn’t fair to Tara either, who I’d never feel for what I felt for my Madeline. My destiny had been to be with Madeline, and if that wasn’t possible anymore, then I’d be alone for the rest of my life.
After dropping Tara off that night, I went straight to Tillies, the local watering hole where my brothers and I would hang out on Friday nights. I felt bad about blowing Ama’s barbeque off, but I was afraid of showing up in the fucked mood I was now in and refused to ruin her birthday gathering.
The memories of downing one tequila shot after another, then walking outside to take hits of weed in between to try and numb the pain were choppy, but they were there. I also remembered having visuals of driving my bike into a wall without a helmet so I could end the fucking pain. Fortunately, at least as my family saw it, my brothers got the call about me being there drunk out of my mind and rushed there to get me home safely.
Two days later I broke things off with Tara. It wasn’t an easy breakup, and I felt for her because I knew firsthand what it was like to lose someone you were in love with. My only consolation and what cleared my conscience just a bit was I knew what she felt for me was nothing compared to what I still felt for Madeline. Tara would get over it. I, on the other hand, knew more than ever now I’d never get over losing Madeline.
Nearly two months after seeing Maggie, I was still reeling from the experience. Mercifully, Maggie never called my cell, but I was still nervous she might. How I never even considered that seeing her again would be so fucking unbearable was beyond me. Of course, it’d be just like seeing Madeline again. They were identical for Christ’s sake.
During one of those rare moments where I’d managed to distract myself from all thoughts of Madeline and now her sister by concentrating on putting in merchandise orders online, I got the call at the shop. Without giving it any thought, I answered it, my eyes still on the screen. “Mofos,” I said as I continued typing in orders.
“May. . .” There was a short pause, but my heart was already thudding against my chest because I recognized the voice immediately. “May I please speak to Nicolas?”
I could barely breathe. That voice. Dear God, it was going to be the end of me. I cleared my throat in an attempt to mask the emotion I was already feeling. “Who’s this?”
“This is Maggie.”
“Maggie,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut, unable to say more.
I sat there frozen for longer than I’d anticipated because a few moments later I heard her again. “Hello?”
“Maggie, Nicolas isn’t here.”
She asked when he would be, and as soon as I said not for a few days, I was kicking myself. I should’ve said never. Because that’s how long it’d be before I could bear to hear that voice and not feel like falling apart.
Maggie left a message for Nicolas asking if he could please call her back. That she really needed to talk to him. She even left her number, which I didn’t bother writing down. As shitty as I knew it was, there was no fucking way I’d be calling her back.
The moment I was off the phone with her, I told Xavier I had to run and was out of there. I took another one of my marathon rides to try and clear my head. Because of the incident at the bar with my brothers having to pick up my drunk ass, they knew all about me having seen Maggie at the cemetery.
Before they even got the call from the bar, they’d already been worried sick because Tara had called them to give them a heads-up. She told them about my reaction to seeing Maggie and how rattled I’d still been when I dropped her off. So they’d been trying in vain to get a hold of me.
Several days after the first time she called, Xavier informed me she’d called again when I wasn’t there. She’d left a message again, and I made sure they all knew I did not want to talk to her. So if she ever called again, they were instructed to continue to say I wasn’t there, even if I was. I figured she’d eventually get the hint.
What I wasn’t counting on was that Hellman tenacity. After not hearing from Maggie again for a few weeks, I thought I was home free. Then one day I stood behind the counter at the shop going over some numbers with Xavier when someone walked in the front door. I glanced up and went cold as I was instantly caught in Maggie’s beautiful baby blues.
Chapter 18: The stars align
Like the day I’d seen Maggie at the cemetery, everything else around us seemed to dim and blur as my eyes zeroed in on her. Once again, I was breathless, and for a moment, I started to question my sanity again because I could swear it was my Maddie I was staring at not Maggie. I was temporarily pulled out of the trance I’d fallen into when I noticed the same girl who was with her at the cemetery—Clarisse—leaned over as Maggie appeared . . . staggered?
We all stood there in silence at first. Taking my eyes off her was impossible, and it seemed she was struggling with the same issue. Until Xavier finally spoke up. “Maggie?”
Her eyes were off me for a moment as she turned to my brother and nodded. Her friend seemed to nudge her, and to my horror, they started toward us.
“I-I’m Xavier,” my brother said as they got closer. Xavier shook his head, turning back to me. “Jesus, you weren’t kidding, bro.” Then his eyes were on Maggie again. “After all these years, I’d forgotten how much you look like your sister. Even back then, I was never able to tell you two apart.”
“I could,” I said a little too aggressively.
Her eyes were immediately back on mine, but my eyes fell to her neck. No matter how much my heart yearned for this to somehow be Madeline, the beauty mark simply wasn’t there. As unreasonable as it sounded, I felt almost annoyed. Maggie was nothing if not an incredibly intelligent girl. Madeline had said it all the time, proudly referred to her sister as brilliant. She had to at least have an idea of what this might be doing to me.
“I called and left messages,” she said as if to explain what she was doing here. “You never returned my calls.”
“I couldn’t.” I knew I sounded cold and indifferent, but seeing her again was killing me.
She shook her head, looking wounded. “I don’t understand. I just need to talk to you.”
“I can’t.” I started to walk away because I needed to get the hell out of there—away from her.
“Why?” she asked, her voice going a pitch higher. ‘You asked me to keep in touch.”
“I just can’t, damn it.”
I rushed through the shop and out the front door, overwhelmed with a mixture of grief, yet there was yearning—for Maggie—which was completely unacceptable. I knew it was just her likeness I yearned to hold again as I had at the cemetery, but it was still wrong. Why the fuck was she doing this? Why was she here? She had to know I deliberately ignored her calls and why. What could she possibly want to talk to me about? The only thing she and I had in common anymore was gone. But looking into Maggie’s baby blues, reminding me of my beautiful Madeline, was a torment like none I’d experienced even throughout all these years
. She had to know this.
As I’d done each time I needed to get a grip, I drove and drove and drove. Knowing my family would be worried sick given how I’d stormed out of there, I made sure to respond to their worried texts the moment I got the chance. They knew by now this was what I did. I just needed to clear my head. But most importantly, I needed to make sure she was gone by the time I returned and prayed she’d gotten the hint once and for all and would never return.
I’d never really cared for Nolan’s new girl Shana, but I was relieved now that things between them had gotten pretty serious lately. If he’d reconnected with Maggie and I’d had to see her on a regular basis again, I didn’t know what I’d do. All I could count on was that Nolan knew what this was doing to me. Xavier would no doubt be telling them all about my reaction to seeing her again. If Nolan had any compassion, he wouldn’t bring her around me.
Weeks passed after Maggie’s unexpected visit, and thankfully, if Nolan had kept in touch with her, he hadn’t mentioned it. Which was more than I could say for Xavier and Quino, who actually attempted to tell me more about what Maggie had to say that day. How for a minute there they’d thought she was having a heart attack, but it turned out to be some kind of side effect from the head injury she’d suffered in the accident. I’d snapped at them for telling me anything more about it and ended up apologizing days later.
While Nolan hadn’t mentioned much about it except to say how crazy it was to see her again after all these years, he did mention she’d lived with a guy up until just recently. But he also mentioned he wasn’t sure if she was still emotionally invested. I took that to mean there was no chance she and Nolan would be reconnecting. Though, I got the distinct feeling maybe he was staying in touch with her. If that was the case, I appreciated his keeping it to himself.
Apparently, whatever it was Maggie needed to talk to me about or ask me, she’d gotten her answers from my brothers. Because there’d been no more calls or visits. Seeing her had affected me so much my head was all over the place again. A part of me was relieved that Maggie had gotten the hint and stopped attempting to contact me. Yet another part yearned to hear and see her again. I was so fucking conflicted and frustrated that after all these years I’d have such a relapse from finally recovering I went back to therapy.