CHAPTER XV
ANTHONY ON BASEBALL
"Well," commenced Anthony, in his even, deliberate drawl, "you had yourchance to get out, and didn't take it. I guess you're in for it. I'vebeen requested to speak to you about baseball. I told Captain Perkinsthat I didn't know a baseball from a frozen turnip, but he said thatmade it all the better; that if I didn't know what I was talking aboutyou would realize that I was absolutely unprejudiced and my words wouldcarry more weight. I said, 'How are you going to get the fellows tolisten to me?' He said, 'We'll lock the doors.' I guess they're locked."
Half his audience turned to look, and the rest laughed.
"Anyhow," Anthony continued, "he kept his part of the agreement, andso I'll have to keep mine. I've said frankly that I know nothing aboutbaseball, and I hope that you will all pardon any mistakes I maymake in discussing the subject. I never saw but one game, and afterit was over I knew less about it than I did before. A fellow I knewplayed--well, I don't know just what he did play; most of the time hedanced around a bag of salt or something that some one had left out onthe grass. There were three of those bags, and his was the one on thesoutheast corner. When the game was over he asked me how I liked it. Isaid, 'It looks to me like a good game for a lunatic asylum.' He saidI showed ignorance; that it was the best game in the world, and justfull up and slopping over with science. I didn't argue with him. ButI've always thought that if I had to play baseball I'd choose to be thefellow that wears a black alpaca coat and does the talking. Seems to mehe's the only one that remains sane. I asked my friend if he was thekeeper; he said no, he was the umpire."
By this time the laughter was almost continuous, but Anthony'sexpression of calm gravity remained unbroken. At times he appearedsurprised and disturbed by the bursts of laughter; and a small freshmanin the front row toppled out of his seat and had to be thumped on theback. Even the dean was chuckling.
"Well, science has always been a weak point with me, and I guess that'swhy I'm not able to understand the science of hitting a ball with awagon-spoke and running over salt-bags. But I'm not so narrow-mindedas to affirm that because I can't see the science it isn't there.You've all heard about Abraham Lincoln and the book-agent, I guess.The book-agent wanted him to write a testimonial for his book. Lincolnwrote it. It ran something like this: 'Any person who likes this kindof a book will find this just the kind of a book he likes.' Well,that's about my idea of baseball; anybody who likes that kind of a gamewill find baseball just the kind of a game he likes.
"Now, they tell me that down at Robinson they've found an oldwagon-wheel, cut the fingers off a pair of kid gloves, bought a wirebird-cage, and started a baseball club. All right. Let 'em. There areother wheels and more gloves and another bird-cage, I guess. CaptainPerkins says he has a club, too. I've never seen it, but I don't doubthis word; any man with Titian hair tells the truth. He says he keeps itout at the field. From what I've seen of baseball clubs I think that'sa good, safe place. I hope, however, that he locks the gates when heleaves 'em. But Captain Perkins tells me that he has the finest kind ofa baseball club that ever gibbered, and he offers to bet me a suspenderbuckle against a pants button that his club can knock the spots off ofany other club, and especially the Robinson club. I'm not a bettingman, and so I let him boast.
"And after he'd boasted until he'd tired himself out he went on to saythat baseball clubs were like any other aggregation of mortals; thatthey have to be clothed and fed, and, moreover, when they go away tomingle with other clubs they have to have their railway fare paid.Captain Perkins, as I've said once already, is a truthful man, and soI don't see but that we've got to believe him. He says that his clubhasn't any money; that if it doesn't get some money it will grow paleand thin and emaciated, and won't be able to run around the salt-bagsas violently as the Robinson club; in which case the keeper--I mean theumpire--will give the game to Robinson. Well, now, what's to be done?Are we to stand idly by with our hands in our pockets and see Robinsonwalk off with a game that is really our property? Or are we to takeour hands out of our pockets, with the fingers closed, and jingle somecoins into the collection-box?
"I'm not a baseball enthusiast, as I've acknowledged, but I am anErskine enthusiast, fellows. Perkins says we ought to beat Robinson atbaseball. I say let's do it! I say let's beat Robinson at everything.If anybody will start a parchesi club I'll go along and stand by andyell while they down the Robinson parchesi club. That's what Providencemade Robinson for--to be beaten. Providence looked over the situationand said: 'There's Erskine, with nothing to beat.' Then Providence madeRobinson. And we started in and beat her. And we've been beating herever since--when she hasn't beaten us.
"I've done a whole lot of talking here this evening, and I guess you'reall tired of it." (There was loud and continued dissent at this point,interspersed with cries of "Good old Tidball!") "But I promised totalk, and I like to give good measure. But the time for talking isabout up. Mr. Hanson has something to say to you, and as he knows whathe's going to talk about, whereas I don't know what I'm talking about,I guess I'd better stop and give him a show. But before I stop I wantto point out a self-evident fact, fellows. You can't win from Robinsonwithout a baseball team, and you can't have a baseball team unlessyou dig down in your pockets and pay up. Manager Patterson says theBaseball Association needs the sum of six hundred dollars. Well, let'sgive it to 'em. Any fellow here to-night who thinks a victory overRobinson isn't worth six hundred dollars is invited to stand up andwalk out; we'll unlock the door for him. Six hundred dollars means onlyabout one dollar for each fellow. I am requested to state that afterMr. Hanson has spoken his piece a few of the best-looking men among uswill pass through the audience with small cards upon which every manis asked to write his name and the amount he is willing to contributeto secure a victory over Robinson that will make last year's scorelook like an infinitesimal fraction. If some one will go through themotions, I'd like to propose three long Erskines, three times three andthree long Erskines for the nine."
Anthony bowed and sat down. The senior class president sprang to hisfeet, and the next moment the hall was thunderous with the mightycheers that followed his "One, two, three!" Then came calls of"Tidball! Tidball!" and again the slogan was taken up. It was fullyfive minutes ere the head coach arose. And when he in turn stood at theplatform's edge the cheers began once more, for enthusiasm reigned atlast.
Hanson realized that further speechmaking was idle and confined hisremarks to an indorsement of what Anthony had said. The distributionof blank slips of paper had already begun and his audience paid butlittle attention to his words, although it applauded good-naturedly.When he had ended, promising on behalf of the team, and in return forthe support of the college, the best efforts of players and coaches,confusion reigned supreme. Pencils and fountain pens were passed hitherand thither, jokes were bandied, songs were sung, and the tumultincreased with the pushing aside of chairs and the scraping of feet asthe meeting began to break up. But, though some left as soon as theyhad filled out their pledges, the greater number flocked into noisygroups and awaited the announcement of the result.
At length, Professor Nast accepted the slip of paper handed him byPatterson and advanced to the edge of the platform. There, he raiseda hand for attention, and at the same time glanced at the figures.An expression of incredulity overspread his face, and he turned aninquiring look upon the manager. The latter smiled and nodded, asthough to dispel the professor's doubts. The hubbub died away, and theprofessor faced the meeting again.
"I am asked," he said, "to announce the result of the--ah--subscription.Where every one has responded so promptly and so heartily to the appealin behalf of the association, it would be, perhaps, unfair to give thenames of any who have been exceptionally generous. But without doingso it remains a pleasant--ah--privilege to state that among thesubscriptions there is one of fifty dollars----"
Loud applause greeted this announcement, and fellows of notoriouslyempty pocket-books were accused by their friends of being the unname
dbenefactor, and invariably acknowledged the impeachment with profuseexpressions of modesty.
"Three of twenty-five dollars," continued the professor, "six of tendollars, seventeen of five dollars, and many of two dollars and over.The total subscription, strange as it may seem, reaches the sum of fivehundred and ninety-nine dollars, one dollar less than the amount askedfor!"
There was a moment of silent surprise. Then, from somewhere at the leftof the room, a voice cried: "Here you are, then!" and something wentspinning through the air. The head coach leaped forward, caught itdeftly, and held it aloft. It was a shining silver dollar.
"Thank you," he said.
The incident tickled the throng, and cheers and laughter struggled forsupremacy. Jack pushed his way to the door, and remained there waitingfor Anthony, one hand groping lonesomely in a trouser pocket where aminute or two before had snuggled his last coin.