What Are You Waiting For?
Pete Stephenson
Copyright 2006, 2012 Pete Stephenson
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This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.
*****
What Are You Waiting For?
Cast Of Characters
Jen
Late 30s. Waitress. Single mum.
Phil
Mid 40s. Café customer.
Scene
A town-centre café.
Time
Present day.
Setting
Eve's Café. Decorated in orange and black. A table, two chairs, menu, condiments, cutlery and a faux rose in a small vase.
At Rise
JEN enters, wearing overalls and name-badge, carrying cleaning materials in a plastic trug.
(Jen squirts cleaning fluid onto the table, begins cleaning it. The table is quite mucky, as:)
JEN
(re: two customers who have just left)
What a pair of animals. It should be so easy: big plates, big mouths, combine the qualities of both..? But they still manage to get food all over the place.
(still cleaning)
How come this sauce solidifies so quickly? When they spill it it must be in liquid form - I know, 'cause I'm always refilling them, but by the time they leave it's as permanent as a cave painting.
(beat)
Grunt, grunt. Shove the food in. Belch, belch. Spill the food?
(mocking voice)
"It don't matter."
(normal voice)
Miss the target with the condiments?
(mocking voice)
"It don't matter."
(sighs)
There's no hope, is there. None at all. That's probably why they changed the name of this place from "Pandora's."
(beat)
It could still be be trapped somewhere. But then again...
(cleaning is complete, Jen sniffs table top, wipes brow, packs up her trug)
JEN (CONT'D)
(sarcastically)
Do come back to Eve's again.
(Jen exits. PHIL enters smiling, sits at table, picks up menu, not really concentrating on it. Several seconds Jen returns with notepad and pen. Jen stands by the table, Phil looks up)
PHIL
Hello...
(looks at Jen's name-badge)
Jen.
JEN
You read my name-badge.
PHIL
I did.
JEN
Yet you look at me as if you know me/
PHIL
I'm sorry I gave that impression.
JEN
That smile.
PHIL
I save it for special occasions/
JEN
Like this café?/
PHIL
Or special people.
JEN
You don't know me.
PHIL
(pause)
Although I have been in before, I'll admit that I didn't memorise all of your names, for which I apologise again.
JEN
It's too soon/
PHIL
To apologise?
JEN
To smile.
PHIL
Right. They don't do that on your shift.
(offers hand to JEN, who does not respond)
My name's Phil.
JEN
Great.
(Jen gets notepad out)
PHIL
That's P. H. I. L
(Jen has no intention of writing Phil's name down, and shows it)
PHIL
You didn't say good morning. When you approached me.
JEN
Say "good morning" as I approached you? You wanted a Doppler effect with your greeting?
PHIL
Any greeting would have been nice.
JEN
I normally wait until I've reached the table.
(beat)
I don't know what came over me. I apologise.
PHIL
Fine.
JEN
Make the most of it. Phil.
PHIL
OK.
JEN
If you want, I can call the manager.
PHIL
That won't be necessary. We're even. One apology each.
JEN
(like British 1940s film star)
I could say "good morning" now, but we both know how utterly pointless that would be.
(beat, normal voice)
There is a suggestion box.
PHIL
Huh?
JEN
Can't you say the word "pardon"?
PHIL
Not sure. I'll give it a go next time you mumble something.
JEN
I don't mumble.
PHIL
Pardon?
JEN
Your humour knows no mercy.
PHIL
Thanks.
JEN
There is a suggestion-slash-complaints box. Over there by the till.
PHIL
How nice.
(looks across the room)
The box with the sea shells stuck on it.
JEN
Yes. That wasn't my idea.
PHIL
But it's so "you."
JEN
How would you know?
PHIL
Male intuition.
JEN
That's a contradiction in terms.
PHIL
You did have a hand in the decoration, though.
JEN
I was asked to glue some shells, yes/
PHIL
Knew it.
JEN
Anyway - if you wanted to - you could write something down and pop it in there. The suggestion box.
PHIL
Thanks for the advice.
JEN
Only I have to tell you, that if we ignore the pieces of paper that ask us what colour knickers we're wearing - and we do/
PHIL
Wear knickers?
JEN
Ignore the pieces of paper.
(beat)
Then, typically, all we have left are barely legible scraps saying "more chips love."
PHIL
"Love"? They say the word "love?"
JEN
Some of them.
(mocking / like porn tart)
They're the best.
(quickly back to normal voice)
Or "sauce ran out."
PHIL
No "love."
JEN
Not as a rule.
PHIL
Oh dear.
JEN
It never happens. It's an urban myth.
PHIL
What is? Love?
JEN
The sauce running out.
PHIL
I'm beginning to get a flavour of things in here now.
JEN
I'll put the fan on in a minute, then.
(beat)
So - do you know what you want?
PHIL
Do any of us?
JEN
(sighs)
If you want to be left alone with your philosophy for a bit, then fine - I'll come back when you're both ready to order.
(b
eat)
The essence of my belief is that "everyone needs to eat."
PHIL
That is profound.
JEN
(points)
And that is a menu.
PHIL
In a wipe-clean portfolio.
JEN
It's safer that way.
PHIL
Is everything on the menu?
JEN
"Is everything on the menu" what?
PHIL
Please?
JEN
No. Do you mean - for example - is everything on the menu fresh? Yes. Edible? Yes.
PHIL
I'll clarify/
JEN
Good.
PHIL
Is everything that's on here available.
(Jen has quick look at the menu)
JEN
Yes. So do you know what you want?
PHIL
I'm not sure.
JEN
(points)
There are pictures there to help you.
PHIL
Actually, I find the descriptions more to my liking. Quite inventive, some of them.
(reading from menu)
The "uneasy burger."
JEN
Where?
(Jen takes menu, reads, wipes off some muck, hands it back to Phil)
PHIL
Ah. "Ungreasy burger."
(pointing to menu)
There was a bit of /
JEN
Yes, I know. The irony.
PHIL
"Ungreasy," though. Not very good grammar, is it.
JEN
We did carry out a survey of one hundred truckers, to ensure that the wording of our menu is both authentic and straight-forward.
PHIL
(pause)
Really?
JEN
No.
(beat)
Decided yet?
PHIL
I think there's too much food on the menu for me. Literally.
JEN
I'll give it another wipe.
(Jen goes to take menu, Phil withholds it)
JEN (CONT'D)
Shall I come back?
PHIL
Would you?
JEN
Of course. This is one of my tables.
PHIL
Your table? I can't see any shells on it.
JEN
I'll tell you how it is /
PHIL
Please do. /
JEN
You order, you eat, you pay, you leave.
PHIL
Sounds complicated.
JEN
(like a recorded-message)
I'm sorry, but we don't have any photographs to help you with that one.
(normal voice)
Let your gut be your guide.
PHIL
I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.
(looking at menu)
Now, let me see.
JEN
Perhaps you'd prefer a young waitress to be in attendance?/
PHIL
That'd put me right off. /
JEN
Only it's not going to happen, because this is my table.
PHIL
So you said. It's territorial. I understand.
JEN
And those
(points across stage)
are my tables.
PHIL
Wow. Quite an empire.
JEN
I started with one table.
PHIL
Well, you would. Wouldn't you.
JEN
Then with age and experience comes /
PHIL
Tables. Yes, I get it.
JEN
There are no young waitresses here today.
PHIL
You seem obsessed by that. I don't want a younger waitress.
JEN
If you'd care to come in on Saturday, /
PHIL
I'll have died of starvation by then. /
JEN
If you'd care to come in on Saturday then there should be a shoe-gazing Goth /
PHIL
Already got one of those. My eldest. /
JEN
sweeping the floor /
PHIL
Hasn't done that since she was nine /
JEN
counting the biscuits /
PHIL
That's all she eats /
JEN
and, occasionally, attending table.
(two seconds silence)
PHIL
So. It's just you out front today, then.
JEN
Yes.
PHIL
OK. I'm ready to order.
JEN
Great. Go ahead.
(notepad poised)
PHIL
I'd like a big mug of strong tea. Do you serve mugs?
(Jen gives a "don't tempt me" look)
JEN
You can have a pot of tea, and I'll substitute a mug for the cup and saucer.
PHIL
Very dynamic.
(beat)
I'd also like the all-day breakfast /
JEN
I knew you'd say that /
PHIL
Female intuition, no doubt. And two rounds of toast.
JEN
(pause)
That it?
PHIL
Yep.
(Jen puts notepad deep down in her apron pocket, Phil watches)
PHIL (CONT'D)
How many eggs come with the meal?
JEN
It's egg. Singular.
PHIL
May I have two?
(Jen, fumbling, delves down into her pocket to get the notepad, while:)
PHIL (CONT'D)
You keep eggs in there?
(Jen gets pad out)
JEN
Two eggs? Was it.
PHIL
Yes please.
(Jen writes something down)
JEN
I'll ask. I can't promise.
PHIL
Fair enough. I don't want to put the hen under any undue pressure.
JEN
The battery-farm-environment will have done that already.
(Jen writes something, Phil looks around the café)
PHIL
I remember - when I was a boy - going into a transport café with my Dad /
JEN
(trying to write stuff down)
Yes, yes. We're not actually offering a time-warp support service today.
PHIL
Oh. Pity.
JEN
Lack of demand.
PHIL
I see.
(beat)
Now. The loaf of bread. From which my toast will be hewn.
JEN
Yes?
PHIL
It won't have passed its sell-by date, will it.
JEN
Probably.
(beat)
But you'd be surprised how quickly manky-old-bread perks up once it's in the toaster.
PHIL
You're joking.
JEN
Wouldn't you? How about... if I bring the loaf to the table then you can choose the slices you want grilled /
PHIL
Toasted /
JEN
Whatever,
(beat)
you can initial them, and verify that they were the ones you selected when I bring them back.
PHIL
Like a magic trick.
JEN
(like a magician)
"Now we haven't met before, have we sir."
PHIL
I could autograph them.
(mimes signing a book)
"To Jen. All my love, Phil."
JEN
That would be presumptuous, insincere and unrequited /
PHIL
Aha /
/>
JEN
Plus the slices are quite diddy.
PHIL
Better make it three rounds, then.
JEN
(writing stuff down)
All of this unnecessary talking is keeping you and your food apart for longer.
PHIL
That isn't good.
JEN
(looks at Phil's stomach)
And while I can see that that shouldn't really be a problem /
PHIL
I can't afford to go to the gym these days /
JEN
you did say that you were hungry.
PHIL
I did.
(pause)
Would you like to join me?
JEN
I'm not hungry. Nor do I need the gym.
(Jen tears off page from her notepad, staring at Phil)
PHIL
Just sit down, I mean.
(Jen takes the order across to the counter, returns to table)
PHIL (CONT'D)
Here. At this table.
(beat)
You don't have any other customers.
JEN
That's your best chat-up line, is it. That's you at the height of your persuasive powers.
(mocking / impersonating)
"You don't have any other customers."
PHIL
Well /
JEN
You'll be aware of that "if you were the last man left on earth" speech, or one of its variants?
(beat)
In any case, if I have any free time I should spend it cleaning tables.
PHIL
Don't you want to talk?
JEN
No.
PHIL
Then why are you here? Standing here. The tables appear to be clean /
JEN
They are clean /
PHIL
and - as I've already observed - it seems there's no one here who needs you.
JEN
You might steal the cutlery.
PHIL
I might.
(pause)
Will it take long?
JEN
Depends how long you've been a thief, I suppose.
PHIL
The food, I mean.
JEN
Not long.
PHIL
Sit for a chat?
(Jen thinks for a second)
PHIL (CONT'D)
You said no to a talk, so...
JEN
"A chat" is different.
PHIL
I think so.
(Jen sits down)
JEN
What do you think of the curtains?
PHIL
They're orange. Like everything else in here.
JEN
What do you think of the tiles? They're /
PHIL
Black and white. Yes I know.
(beat)
Gosh, this is stimulating.
JEN
(sarcastic / mock enjoyment)
Yes, but I'll simply have to stop if anyone comes in.
PHIL
I wouldn't want this to end.
(pause, then seriously)
I'd really like to talk.
JEN
You said "chat."
PHIL
I lied.
JEN
Not for the first time, I'll bet.
PHIL
A white lie. A misdirection.
JEN
You have your own brand of magic, then.
PHIL
Some say.
(beat)
Let's talk.
JEN
You're serious.
PHIL
I think that was a muscle spasm.
JEN
You're not as young as you were.
PHIL
Apparently.
JEN
Why did you come in here?
PHIL
I was hungry.
(beat)
Until I saw the menu.
JEN
I thought you wanted to be serious.
PHIL
My muscles did.
JEN
There are at least five other places in town you could have gone into. For something faster, perhaps.
PHIL
They're all too-crowded. Youngsters with acne and offspring. Breast-feeding and texting.
JEN
Out of your depth?
PHIL
That's why I came in here.
JEN
So, nothing to do with me.
PHIL
But I knew you'd be here.
JEN
Psychic?
PHIL
I don't have an inner eye, but - more convenient for me - you do have glass in your windows.
JEN
Fancy.
PHIL
When do you get a break?
JEN
I don't know. When do you intend to stop talking?
(Phil is clearly unhappy)
PHIL
When do you get a tea break?
JEN
What time did you say you were leaving?
PHIL
I didn't
(beat)
Can I /
JEN
Buy me a meal somewhere?
(several seconds silence, neither seems to want to speak next)
PHIL
(looks across room)
Is that a dolphin over there? On the wall. All those tiny little bits of tile.
JEN
(looks across room and back again)
Yes. It is a dolphin. It's what we call a mosaic.
PHIL
I thought it was a bottle-nose.
JEN
It's a work of art /
PHIL
It's a matter of opinion /
JEN
Created by underprivileged children as part of an "expression in our environment" project.
PHIL
Community Punishment Order, you mean.
JEN
Yes.
(NOISE of steam kettle)
PHIL
(jumps)
What was that?
JEN
What?
PHIL
That noise.
JEN
What noise?
PHIL
Sounded like a dragon being strangled.
JEN
(as sickly-sweet, girlie TV presenter)
Oh, - do you know - that is so spooky. A dragon was killed here. Exactly seven hundred years ago today.
PHIL
It was the boiling water for my tea, wasn't it.
JEN
Yes.
(Jen stands up)
PHIL
And the food?
JEN
We tried boiling food for a while, but it was deemed unsuccessful. So we went back to using the oven.
PHIL
I'd like my tea with my food.
JEN
I can't promise, but if I do happen to spill it, well..
PHIL
I like hot tea. To drink with my meal. I don't like it arriving as an advance party. It goes cold.
(Jen's attention is caught with something across the room. NOISE of a plate being out down on the counter)
JEN
You're in luck. Your order is ready.
PHIL
"All day breakfast." Does that mean I've got all day to eat it?
JEN
It's not that chewy.
(under breath)
Apart from the toast.
(Jen crosses to collect the tray of food and the mug of tea. Phil watches her. Jen returns to the table)
PHIL
Smells good.
(Jen puts tray down on table)
PHIL (CONT'D)
And fairly quick.
JEN
And not a pimply youth in sight.
PHIL
>
Two eggs.
JEN
You got what you asked for.
(beat)
You'll pay for it later.
(Phil begins to eat)
PHIL
I'll take my chances.
(Phil beckons Jen to sit down)
JEN
No thanks.
PHIL
You were there a minute ago.
JEN
You'll be eating.
PHIL
And?
JEN
I'm drawn to mouths, I admit, but I don't like them. I like my own mouth, in terms of speaking /
PHIL
So it would seem /
JEN
and eating. But I don't like strangers' mouths.
PHIL
Yet you're drawn to them.
JEN
Like my first washing machine.
(Jen sits down)
PHIL
Wow. This is "chatting" at its best.
JEN
When I got my first washing machine I sat and watched the complete first cycle. I'd got myself a mug of tea /
PHIL
Some glossy magazines /
JEN
and just sat there. Watching - round and round - my colourful, watery, independent world.
(beat)
I was spellbound. But ultimately sick.
PHIL
Happy days.
JEN
Happy-go-lucky.
PHIL
I've been lucky /
JEN
Good for you /
PHIL
But I've also been unlucky. And foolish, too.
(Jen stands)
JEN
Oh, no. This is going to turn into one of those "barmaid and punter" conversations, isn't it.
PHIL
Only if you want it to.
JEN
Me? Does it sound like I want it to?
PHIL
Will you sit down again?
JEN
At some point. My legs bend in the middle.
PHIL
Now? You're like a jack-in-the-box.
JEN
Enjoy your meal.
(Jen goes to leave)
PHIL
I'll wait for you to come back to ask me if everything is satisfactory, shall I?
JEN
That's purely discretionary.
(Jen crosses to counter)
PHIL
Please.
JEN
I'm getting myself a cup.
(Phil carries on eating, Jen gets a cup and saucer and sits back down at the table)
JEN (CONT'D)
I'm taking my break early.
(Jen pours herself a cup of tea)
JEN (CONT'D)
What did you want to talk about?
(sees Phil staring at her)
Or do you just want to look at my name-badge-slash-breasts in close-up?
(Phil points to his mouth, it's full of food - he can't speak, Jen sips her tea while waiting for Phil to finish his mouthful)
JEN (CONT'D)
And your first subject is?
PHIL
I don't know what to say.
JEN
That's always hugely disappointing at the beginning of a conversation. Don't most men start by talking about their wives?
PHIL
My wife and I are separated.
JEN
Oh.
PHIL
And you?
JEN
The same.
PHIL
Tough being alone?
JEN
I'm tough. I've got used to it.
(beat)
You?
PHIL
Got used to it? No.
(couple of seconds silence)
PHIL (CONT'D)
You're an attractive lady.
JEN
(unimpressed)
Don't start with that!
PHIL
You deserve to be treated well.
JEN
Do you know how patronising that sounds? I "deserve to be treated well." What does that tell me about you? You think - or you assume - that I haven't been treated well, and I'm so thick that I haven't realised it. I don't know my own worth. But not to worry, because Phil is here with his engaging advice.
(mocking / faux American accent)
"Waitresses are people too."
PHIL
That's not exactly what I meant.
JEN
Then you should think before you speak.
PHIL
I do try.
JEN
(still angry)
Enjoying your tea?
PHIL
Your husband.
JEN
What about him? It's because of him that I work here.
(beat)
What about you? Your wife. Did you walk out on her, or was it the other way round.
PHIL
Hard to say.
JEN
Happen in the dark, did it?
PHIL
No. Although I've been in the dark ever since.
JEN
Boom, boom.
(sarcastically)
Must have been so hard for you, though. Walking out on a marriage and children, to end up in the arms of a consummate nymphomaniac.
PHIL
Now you're making assumptions.
JEN
Maybe.
(Jen drinks her tea)
PHIL
My wife and I were equals. But in the end, I think I just needed to have the edge.
JEN
Really. All of a sudden you wanted submissiveness from someone who was your other half. Nothing to do with lust for a third party.
PHIL
It seemed right that I should be the one to go.
JEN
(mocking)
Top-up in that, love?
PHIL
A fresh tea would be nice.
(Jen gets up, crosses to counter, Phil finishes off his meal. Jen returns to table with a stainless steel pot of boiling water, tops up the teapot)
PHIL (CONT'D)
Can we start again?
JEN
New tea bags? Why not. Let's push the boat out.
PHIL
Forget I ever asked for "a talk." Please - let's chat about the décor again.
JEN
The way we were. A few minutes ago.
(beat)
I might tell you about our digital deep-fat fryer.
PHIL
Have you worked here long?
(Jen looks at her watch)
PHIL (CONT'D)
And don't say eight-thirty.
JEN
I was going to say seven-forty-five.
PHIL
You implied that you "had" to work here.
JEN
I got washed-up here /
PHIL