Doctor Ordered
By Lynne Roberts
Copyright 2014 Lynne Roberts
ISBN 978-1-927241-27-1
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Contents
A Testing Time
Aging
Bappy Hirthday
Day Stay
Dinnertime
Dreams of Lamingtons
Dreaming
Duplicity
Encore
Fitness
Growing Old
Herbal Remedies
If All Else Fails
Keeping Clean
Making an Appointment
Modern Technology
Mortality
My Little List
Old Age
One for the Road
Patients
Remember Me
Scanning Matters
Taxing Times
The Belly Dancer
The Bridge Club Christmas
The Decorator Blokes
The Old Bag
The Tattoo
The Telephone
The Woman Driver
A Testing Time
She went into the hospital It will not be for long
We'll run a test, the doctor said, to find out what is wrong
We cannot let you eat or drink, we'll hook you to machines
They took her blood. That's very odd, we don't know what this means
We'll do another blood test, Hmm, it's now abnormal twice
We'd better call a specialist to give us some advice
The specialist arrived and called for more tests to be run
I haven't done these tests for years, he said, this will be fun
The specialist said Take more blood and this time keep it cold
My fee's a thousand bucks an hour, I'm glad to be involved
They took more blood to fill their tubes, by now these numbered ten
Just keep her nil by mouth, he said, then do them all again
The specialist smiled quietly and rubbed his hands in glee
If it's a new disease she's got they'll name it after me
The intern gave a chuckle, I'm glad I'm on this case
It's bound to look good on my CV when I leave this place
They took more blood and ran more tests and would not let her eat
But I'm still feeling ill, she cried, and I can't feel my feet
No matter, frowned the specialist, we'll do a scan or two
You're such an interesting case now that your legs are blue
Another week went slowly by and then another four
With drips and X-rays, scopes and scans and blood tests by the score
And then one day the specialist arrived with all his tea
I've studied your results, at last I know just what they mean
He smiled in satisfaction as he stood beside the bed
Alas – his words were too late for the patient
She was dead!
Aging
Of all the things that I have lost, I miss my mind the most
Prunes and all bran daily have replaced my wild oats
Old age advances steadily though I’m still young at heart
I’ve got my head together as my body falls apart
They say that age brings wisdom, sometimes age comes by itself
But aging only matters to a cheese upon the shelf
I’m not yet in my sixties; 51 plus GST
I eat food with preservatives; they must be good for me
I’m lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory, I know
Though I have learned diplomacy; tell somebody to go
To hell in such a way he’s looking forward to the trip
I’ve also learned that chocolate goes directly to the hips
I get my exercise although I don’t go to a gym
Jumping to conclusions daily keeps me fit and trim
I stopped to think and then forgot to start again, in fact
My memory’s photographic, but the lens cap is intact
I don’t remember trying to climb up one hill or a lot
But apparently I’m over one; I’m lucky, I forgot
You don’t stop laughing just because you’re growing old and grey
You know you’re getting old when you stop laughing every day
Bappy Hirthday
I decided on my birthday to invite some friends for lunch
And so for their refreshment I prepared a special punch
I started with a bowl in which I poured a little wine
With a splash of cherry brandy, it tasted rather fine
Next I added whiskey and some Bailey’s Irish Creme
A bottle of Drambuie, the flavour was supreme
Then a dash of Cointreau, to give an added zest
I had a sip to taste it then threw in all the rest
Gin or ‘mothers ruin’ was added to the brew
I drank a glass of claret and stirred in another two
I measured out some vodka, and then thought what the hell
I tipped in half the bottle and some crème de menthe as well
Finally I trickled in a touch of lemonade
Then I thought I’d better sample the concoction I had made
My friends came, then departed, after knocking at the door
I didn’t care; by that time I was legless on the floor!
Day Stay
Come on in and take a seat, the desk attendant smiled
I nervously edged through the door and took a step inside
She handed me a booklet for a colonoscopy
And said, Read this before we do your next ERCP
Welcome to Endoscopy, a young nurse briskly said
She took my file from a pile and whisked me to a bed
She handed me a gown and pulled the curtains round the track
Remove your clothes and pop that on, I will soon be back
As I undressed with trembling hands she came in with a tray
And pushed a needle in my arm, much to my dismay
I'm sorry it's so blunt, she said, the doctors use them all
As darts for throwing at the patient list upon the wall
Another nurse appeared and slipped a paper wristband on
I read the name, which wasn't mine, and said, This must be wrong
It's quite all right, the nurses grinned, that's our new policy
To save on money we are using up old stationery
We're using Mr Williams' band and Mrs Pollard's notes
We'll add your name in marker pen when we look down your throat
Ignore the files, it really doesn't matter what they say
None of us can read the doctor's writing anyway
By this time feeling rather fearful I looked up and saw
A group of student doctors taking notes beside the door
They said, The risk of complications here is one in five
We're taking bets on who we think is going to survive
Next beside the bed appeared the chaplain looking grim
I'm here to pray for you and help you to confess your sin
I have a quota I must fill, that's why I've come around
Do you wish to be cremated dear, or buried in the ground?
As I lay gasping, terrified by my approaching doom
The nurses rol
led my bed along to the procedure room
While I lay hyperventilating, shaking, faint and ill
A man in white approached me with a large electric drill
He grimaced as he raised the drill, I gave a moan of pain
To my relief he said, The new machine's gone down again
I'm here to make a few repairs; I've got the very thing
He proceeded to secure the endoscope with tape and string
The anaesthetist appeared with several bottles on a tray
He said, We're using minimal sedation here today
The hospital is trying to save unwarranted expense
Paracetamol's the only drug we can dispense
The doctor handed me a form; I asked the reason why
He said, You have to know that there's a high risk you will die
Before I do the 'scope' you need to make a will, you see
I strongly recommend that you bequeath your goods to me
He added, You're the first to undergo my new technique
I learned it from an episode of Shortland Street, last week
He opened up a bottle as he said, Don't make a fuss
You'll be awake for this procedure – all the gin's for us
The doctor sprayed my throat with a disgusting tasting mist
And plunged a hypodermic in the tubing at my wrist
I clutched my palpitating heart and gave an anguished scream
And woke up in Recovery to find it was a dream
Dinnertime
I wasn’t feeling well at all
I did a search on line
And found I had to give up drinking
Coffee tea and wine
I gave up eating meat
Because it’s so bad for the heart
And eggs might raise cholesterol
So they’re out for a start
I contemplated tofu
But it’s made from ground up soy
I read that it can change you to
A woman from a boy
I gave up milk and cheese
And butter, casein, cream and whey
That way I’m sure to keep
Lactose intolerance at bay
I started going gluten free
For fear of getting sprue
I read it on the internet
I know it must be true
I read that leafy vegetables
Can irritate the gut
Causing diverticulitis
As do eating seeds and nuts
I thought that I should concentrate
On foods with low GI
By that time I was struggling
To find foods that would comply
I read that cooking