thought about taking up art?
Watching TV is too stressful, in future
Please read in a nice quiet spot
Or play opera songs
Or maybe mahjong
Let me see, yes I think that's the lot.
I stumbled away from his office at last
In shock from his well-meant harangue
Who wants to survive
With that sort of life?
I would rather go out with a bang!
My Little List
Now I'm out of hospital I simply can't resist
The opportunity to sit and make a little list
Of things that really irritate and people hard to tolerate
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There are orderlies who push your bed and bump it into doors
Or tip you from a wheelchair as they speed across the floors
Or abandon you to lie neglected in the corridors
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There are those who come around for blood and cannot find the vein
And keep on trying while you lie there biting back the pain
Then tell you insincerely that you'll soon be well again
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There are doctors who come rushing in to stand around your bed
And prod you roughly with their fingers from toe tip to head
Then give a grunt as they depart when not a word's been said
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There are nurses who ignore your bell all day and half the night
And shine bright torches in your face which wake you up in fright
And think that they know everything and that they're always right
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
And then there are the most expensive senior specialists
Who on a range of painful and degrading tests insist
Inserting tubes and instruments in every orifice
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
And last of all the kitchen staff who hold a special place
In memory of the truly awful meals I had to face
The food that they inflict on patients is a sad disgrace
I've put them on my list
And now I'm getting a cup of tea
Old Age
I’ve turned into an elephant
My hair has gone quite grey
I’ve noticed that my body
Sags a little more each day
My legs are thick and swollen
Which isn’t very nice
I plod around quite slowly
And I’m terrified of mice
My hearing’s packed its bags and gone
My vision’s rather blurred
But there’s one consolation
I’m the same as all the herd
One For the Road
I walked in through the doorway of The Natural Health Boutique
The shelves held jars and packets piled high
A sweet young lady smiled at me as I began to speak
And offered me a herbal drink to try
I wanted to decline but she was earnest and insistent
She handed me a large recycled cup
The mixture smelled appalling but to please the young assistant
I retched and held my nose and drank it up
I hastily refused the chance to purchase several litres
Although the price, she said, was very low
I was feeling rather nauseous when she offered something sweeter
Extracted from the roots of mistletoe
I refused the offer with my best apologetic smile
Explaining that I'd come into the store
To get some water, whereupon she gestured to an aisle
With bottles stacked from ceiling to the floor
We have water full of minerals collected from a bore
To improve your circulation and your ski
There is water from the Himalayan Mountains and there's more
From Hawaii that will help to keep you slim
This one here is drawn up from a river underground
It is filtered through a natural limestone rock
While here's a most invigorating water that is found
In Scotland from a sheltered inland loch
There's a bottle here of H2O distilled from melted snow
And a sparkling water good for the digestion
I can recommend this bottle from a stream in Idaho
Two litres every day is my suggestion
When it comes to drinking water you should buy the very best
To aim for good hydration is the thing
We have a special water here that has been fully blessed
It is taken from a secret sacred spring
There is water here from Canada, from Baghdad or Peru
Some swear that France is held to be the best
Would you like to buy a bottle of our local Mountain Dew?
Or choose another one from all the rest?
She paused at last to take a breath; I bellowed in frustration
And stamped upon the floor as she recoiled
I only need a can of water – here's the situation
My car's outside – the radiator's boiled!
Patients
I'm sitting in the waiting room
I wish I wasn't here
At the speed which they are working
I'll be sitting here next year
The magazines I've read before
And all the posters too
Most of them have been around
Since 1982
I'm sitting in the waiting room
I think they're running late
It's nearly twelve o'clock
And my appointment was for eight
Here on the seat beside me
Reclines the local vet
I think he died last Wednesday
They haven't noticed yet
I'm sitting in the waiting room
I think I'm going to sneeze
I've obviously caught from here
Some terrible disease
The doctors don't look healthy
The receptionists look worse
At this rate I'll be trading
My Toyota for a hearse
I'm sitting in the waiting room
With feelings of despair
I know I'm going to pick up fleas
Or head-lice in my hair
Or aids or scarlet fever
Even whooping cough or mumps
I'm trying to secretly inspect
My body parts for lumps
I'm sitting in the waiting room
It's full of broken bones
It's hard to hear the radio
Above the cries and moans
The nurses smile as yet more patients
Stagger through the door
Please take a seat and wait they say
And don't bleed on the floor
I'm sitting in the waiting room
It must be my turn soon
Instead of saying good morning
By now it's afternoon
Can you hear that old man screaming?
He must be very ill
Oh no, of course it is because
They've handed him the bill
Remember Me
Do not grieve that I have gone
Instead remember me in song
The lilting tune of a lullaby
The laugh of a child and a baby's cry
Remember me in the flowers that bloom
A starry night and a shining moon
The warmth of sun and a rainbow's arc
The glitter of frost and a candle's spark
Remember me in the
doves' soft call
The tumbling splash of a waterfall
The warm caress of a trouble shared
The final step to a summit dared
Remember me in the swirl of dance
A barefoot walk on new-cut grass
The taste of apples crisp and sweet
The thump of drums and the tap of feet
Remember me in a helping hand
The shine of shells in drifting sand
A well-read book and a canny rhyme
The glow of a fire in wintertime
In all these things remember me
I live on in your memory
The melodies of life go on
So do not grieve that I have gone
Scanning Matters
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I know of several places I'd rather be
I have been sitting around here since half past three
Waiting in line for my scan
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I haven't eaten since last night at six for tea
I drank three bottles of contrast so I would be
Fully prepared for my scan
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I need quite badly to visit the lavatory
I hope my bladder's as full as it ought to be
Ready for having my scan
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I hope that it will be my turn eventually
It's nearly tea-time, at last they have called for me
I'm going through for my scan
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
All the machines here are beeping in harmony
They've called the specialist in to examine me
What have they seen on my scan?
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Now the scan's done I can stagger out thankfully
All of the problems were due to a student, he
Turned the wrong dials on the scan
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
My scan was clear so they said I was sure to be
Healthy and so I'll make sure that I never see
This place again if I can
Taxing Times
I went to the council on Wednesday, last week
I walked to the desk but before I could speak
They said Here’s a survey, please fill in this form
Make sure it’s in triplicate, that is the norm
Form filling makes me feel anxious and stressed
But I sat down and wrote down my name and address
I heaved a great sigh as I chewed on my pen
And wished I was living in olden times when
This passion for paperwork hadn’t begun
And dogs could sleep happily, stretched in the sun
Instead, numbered, neutered and treated for fleas
It’s; enter their intimate details here, please
Put your own in as well, plus a number to phone
And list all possessions you hire or you own
Tax code and postal code, date you were wed
How many, and who goes to sleep in your bed
Please put all the details below in this space
Of how many children reside at this place
Your postal address and your residence too
Your lawyer, in case we are tempted to sue
Do you have licenses for your TV?
You are on our computer, we’ll check up and see
I found it was such a temptation to cheat
When they said; also known as; I put Peg Leg Pete
Sex, please tick here, yes, I’ll have some of that
For partner I put in the name of my cat
The form duly filled I went back to the desk
Before I could open my mouth to protest
They said Take a seat over there and relax
While we calculate all that you owe us in tax
I finally cracked, with a scream I replied
All I wanted was change for the meter outside
The Belly Dancer
Feeling tired and middle aged, I thought I'd have a treat
And made myself a luscious, creamy, chocolate cake to eat
Gazing at my spreading hips I wondered with a sigh
If I should do some exercise to slim my bulging thighs
I waved my children off to school and made a cup of tea
Then glancing at the paper I was quite surprised to see
A notice advertising belly dancing classes so
I thought I'd buy a costume then I'd be prepared to go
With cash and credit card in hand I hastened down the road
And trawled the local shops for treasures, buying quite a load
I smeared my eyes with kohl and outlined lips in cherry red
And combed my hair out, weaving it with beads and golden thread
I wore a padded bra bedecked with sequins, beads and spangles
And slipped upon my wrists a sparkling multitude of bangles
I pulled on baggy harem pants that fell in satin folds
While round my hips I draped a coin belt, hung with swags of gold
Snatching up a gauzy veil I drove off to the hall
Dancing classes this way, said the notice on the wall
Expectantly I swayed and jangled down the corridor
With beaming smile I turned the handle of the studio door
Twenty little faces turned to stare at me in fright
From twenty little girls arrayed in leotards and tights
Mumbling an apology, red faced I crawled away
It wasn't belly dancing they were teaching, but ballet
The Bridge Club Christmas
It was the final meeting of the Bridge Club for the year
They organised a Christmas meal, a very good idea
Then Alison suggested, and Rayma she agreed
That a little wine would add a certain something to the feed
June called, brandy, for a start, while Sheila yelled, red wine.
Frank and Mary thought liqueurs to finish would be fine
Muriel and Maureen filled the glasses to the brim
Truss gulped, bottoms up, as Vic said, Let the play begin.
Cherry gave a hiccup as she loudly bid one spade
Around the room a chattering of opening bids were made
Edith giggled nervously, I think the room is spinning
It’s the ceiling fan, said Ineke, now concentrate on winning.
Richard led the four of hearts which Joan then trumped in glee
Kay played her card, said Snap, that’s mine, and beamed triumphantly
Pam decided she would overtrump her partner Len
But it’s No Trumps, he wailed, but alas, she trumped again.
Ross and John were trying to concentrate on beating Jel
While Dorothy was draining a carafe and looking ill
Rosalie put down the queen of clubs; I’ve gone mahjong
Announced Lorraine, who then would not admit that she was wrong
Merle, Merlene and Marie were all tiddly to the gills
When Barry called Canasta, it gave them quite a thrill
Rosemary and Nola both ganged up to take down Neil
While Judy passed out on the floor before her turn to deal
Rex called David, Dummy, he replied, well, so are you
Then Roger got belligerent and threatened he would sue
Thelma played the joker I have won! Len gave a cheer
They all agreed it was such fun they’d do the same next year
The Decorator Blokes
If your house is tired and tatty and you need a colour scheme
We’re the very folk to call on who will help achieve your dream
If your furniture is tatty and your feng shui is a joke
You need our team of fast and friendly decorator blokes
We can build and we can hammer, we can strip and we can paint r />
At upholstery we are magic while at vacuuming we ‘ain’t
We can turn a boring room into a visual symphony
While the video records us. Look at me! Look at me!
We can turn a normal kitchen to an underwater scene
We will toss in white crushed gravel and we’ll paint your windows green
We will ask for your ideas but we know ours are the best
We will toss out half your furniture and mutilate the rest
We will cover wooden panelling with ragged bits of tin
We will fingerpaint the doors and dress the bed in tiger skin
We will knock out all your cupboard doors and put in chicken wire
We will cut off all your chair legs while your bed we rebuild higher
We will take out fireplaces so in winter you will freeze
We will put in tented ceilings so you walk round on your knees
We will rip up all your carpet and we’ll paint the floorboards black
As we wave goodbye, you’ll sigh, for we are never coming back
The Demonstration
One morning to Endoscopy a student doctor came
A gastroenterology career was her aim
The two presiding doctors, Doctor S and Doctor C
Were comparing recent cases as they drank their morning tea
The student's eyes were large and blue, her lips were soft and red
A mane of blonde and shining curls cascaded from her head
She was young, slim and attractive; Doctor S was most impressed
By her low and plunging cleavage and her short revealing dress
He heard to his annoyance Doctor C begin to boast
Of all procedures recently performed, I've done the most
The student's gaze fixed on him and he hastened to explain
Naturally I'm faster as I'm younger, was his claim
Perhaps you'd be my teacher? asked the student with a smile
I have so much to learn that I will be here quite a while
I hope you'll personally instruct me in each new technique
She blushed as she admired his handsome face and strong physique
Doctor S, disgruntled, thought it obvious that he
Deserved her whole attention due to seniority
Come and I will demonstrate how my procedures run
Between the two of us you'll see there's no comparison
Doctor C informed you that his last gastroscopy
Took half an hour, with longer for a colonoscopy
I'll halve that time, said Doctor S and as the student gasped
He added, If you've questions please don't hesitate to ask
He strode to the procedure room and paused beside the desk
The receptionist smiled weakly as he barked out, Who is next?
As he spoke a nervous lady knocked upon the door
Explaining she was late because she'd missed the corridor
We have no time to talk today, glared Doctor S and said
Get her in a gown please, nurse, and put her in a bed
Despite her feeble protests the patient was wheeled in
Where Doctor S stood favouring the student with a grin
Watch and learn, he told her, as I swear you'll never see
A gastroenterologist who works as fast as me
He began the colonoscopy, the patient moaned in pain
The nurse asked, Maybe we should put sedation in her vein?
It's too late for sedation, Doctor S snarled with a frown
Now I'll try the top; I see no problem lower down
Please hold the patient firmly as I take a look inside
The nurses blocked their ears as the patient wailed and cried
He plunged the scope inside the patient's mouth; the student gasped
Surely you should wash it first? she tentatively asked
We do not have the time for that, Doctor S informed her
But if she keeps on moaning we may have to chloroform her
He raced through the esophagus and through the sphincter then
The stomach and the pancreas and the duodenum
He whipped the scope out, saying to the student by his side
I'll bet you've never seen that done before. He swelled with pride
Now if you want to learn a lot you'll come and work with me
I am here four days a week from eleven until three
I've changed my mind, the student doctor stammered. I will try
A career in Psychology. Thank you and goodbye
The Old Bag
It was a sunny Thursday when we ladies made a start
To exercise our talents in the field of porcelain art
We shared our paints and knowledge of both new and old techniques
And displayed the projects we’d completed in the past few weeks
The Art Room hummed with chattering as over cups of tea
We talked of food and families and gossiped avidly
Stella won our raffle of a box to decorate
Majorie won paintbrushes and Guinivere a plate
At last it came to pack up time; the first to leave was Lynn
Then Dawn and Audrey close behind departed with a grin
But as the rest of us began to gather up our gear
Gael called, My bag is missing but I’m sure I put it here.
We looked where she was pointing by the table at the chair
The chair, alas, was empty; Gael’s handbag was not there
What a flurry of activity ensued as all of us
Searched our boxes and our tables and the cupboards in a fuss
But of the bag