“It’s nothing like that.” She tried to reassure him with a smile. “I intended to tell you, but there was never a good opportunity.” Joni sipped her tea. “I could have been Isaac’s mother.”
He tilted his head slightly. “How’s that possible?”
“Travis considered retaining his parental rights.” Breath held, she waited for the explosion.
James frowned and stretched his legs under the table. “I’ve often wondered why he didn’t.” His lips curled into a smile. “See.” He held his arms wide. “I’m calm. Tell me why?”
“Because I refused to marry him.”
Dishes rattled as James’s fist landed on the table. “What!”
Joni flinched and felt every eye on them. “People are staring. What happened to the calm, rational James?”
“He’s trying to figure out why his girlfriend would keep this from him.” He scrubbed his palms down his face. “You were tempted. Don’t deny it, Joni. I see the guilt in your eyes.”
“Briefly, but only because I was mad at you for leaving me and moving in with Kathy.”
“I didn’t have a choice. It was her or prison, and someone had to protect Isaac.”
Joni recalled the bruises on Isaac’s ribs. “Yeah, right. I’m not the gullible little girl you met at a party.”
He leaned forward. The muscles in his jaw throbbed. “No. You’re the woman who left me rotting in jail while you played mommy with Travis.”
Twice now Travis had betrayed him. James didn’t care about Kathy, but Joni...she was his. “Did he touch you?”
Her gaze jumped to his. “No. I wouldn’t…couldn’t… We didn’t. Nothing like that happened. He considered becoming Isaac’s father, but he knew he couldn’t do it alone.”
“Being a single dad is hard, but not impossible. He wasn’t thinking of Isaac when he made his offer.” James leaned forward. “Why did you say no?” Her love for Isaac was never questioned.
Her soft words, conquered his anger. “I’m already married to you in my heart. I couldn’t call anyone else my husband.”
He reached for her hand and caressed her wrist. “When they released me from jail and I called, why didn’t you tell me where you were? Why did I have to learn about Travis’s paternity and Isaac’s adoption from my attorney? Why couldn’t I hear it from you? I love you, Joni. God knows I do. But I need to understand. Why did you do it?”
“I thought if you saw Isaac’s bruises, you would kill Kathy. I couldn’t stand the thought of you in prison.”
He wanted to believe her flimsy excuses. “I was there at the mall. I saw her hit him. I refrained from killing her then. You should’ve trusted me.” He scraped his chair back.
On his way to the men’s room, he passed the bar. The smell of hops and barley called. Getting drunk might dull the pain, but the facts would remain in the morning. He pushed through the bathroom doors and shut out the sound of whiskey splashing against the bottom of a shot glass.
When he returned to the table, she was gone. He paid the bill but waited until he reached his truck to read the message she’d sent.
His head swam as he stared at the picture of Isaac smiling from the farmhouse tub. Blue, green, and yellow patches dotted his little body. The dots Joni counted? James had suffered enough bruises to realize not all of the marks were fresh. Kathy had abused Isaac for weeks and James hadn’t done one thing to stop her.
Choking on the guilt of failure, he read Joni’s words: Now you know all my secrets.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Roses were great for apologies. James held the bouquet in one hand and knocked on his apartment door with the other. Piano notes faded and Joni’s footsteps grew louder. Anticipation of seeing her curled his lips. He didn’t fight the feeling and leaned in for a kiss as soon as the door opened. “I’m sorry for being a jerk.”
Her fingernails gently scraped his freshly shaven jaw. One eyebrow rose and marred her face into a frown. “You shaved.”
He held the bouquet towards her. “Forgive me?”
The hand caressing his jaw reached for the vase and held it under her cute nose. Lashes caressed her cheeks and her shoulders rose as she smelled the sweet petals. Jade eyes flickered open. “I love these. Thank you.”
Glad that Joni had a forgiving heart, he brushed his lips over hers and smiled. “You’re welcome. The florist calls them ‘Dreaming of You Pink.’”
She turned and moved deeper into the apartment. His apartment. With his furniture. He stood inside the door. He was home, yet he couldn’t stay.
Joni had her back to him as she arranged the flowers on the table. The table he’d bought for her. His arms ached to wrap around her, pull her against him, and kiss her neck. He wanted to kick back in the recliner and drag her into his lap. She’d laugh and he’d kiss her senseless. Then Isaac would squeeze in between them.
James stepped over the threshold and smelled pizza.
He heard Isaac’s precious giggle. “Hi, Daddy.” Isaac lay on his stomach with his feet waving in the air. Sauce smeared his chin. “Me and Joni’s been waitin’ for you.”
James rocked back on his feet and blinked against the pain as the illusion faded.
Isaac was gone.
Unsteady hands gripped the wall. James’s throat closed and his lungs burned. Darkness crowded and he struggled against a wave of dizziness.
“James?” Joni’s blurred face slowly focused. “Are you okay? James?”
His lungs expanded and gulped for oxygen.
“Here. Drink this.”
He pushed away the glass of water. “I’m fine.” He didn’t mean to sound so gruff.
Tears pooled in Joni’s eyes, twisting the knife further into his heart.
He forced his feet to move past the memories. One by one they surrounded him. Tying Isaac’s shoe. Wrestling on the living room floor. Watching cartoons. His footsteps quickened in the hall and passed the closed door. He escaped into the bathroom. The cold water from the sink slowly drowned out the splashes from the tub. Isaac loved to make the pirates walk the plank.
Was he sick? The bathroom door opened and James sauntered up the hall. If Joni didn’t know James’s strength, she would have sworn he’d almost fainted. Why?
The sweat beads were gone from his forehead and his color had returned. “You okay?”
He smiled as if nothing happened. “I’m fine.” His wink erased her fears.
His brow was cool. No fever. “You want some pizza? It’s homemade.”
“No thanks.” His strength beckoned and she snuggled close. His heart drummed an erratic beat under her ear. “I can’t stay. It’s late and I don’t trust us to be alone.”
She tilted her face upward, longing for his kiss. “Please don’t go yet.”
One corner of his lips curved as his eyes zeroed in on her lips. She stretched on tiptoe and met him halfway. His kiss never failed to sweep her away from this world and all the things that kept them apart. Sweet memories took her down a journey in time and she swayed in his embrace, wishing he could stay the night, but knowing that was no longer an option.
He stepped back and broke the spell. Holding her hands, his gaze raked over her and his mouth twisted into a knowing grin. “Quit distracting me. I have something important to say.”
Happiness sprang up in her soul and a giggle floated into the air around them. “Do you want to snuggle on the sofa?”
“Yes. Which is why I’m staying right here.” It was good to see his smile. “I got the job. Your uncle wants me to start immediately.”
Another kiss muffled her squeal of delight.
“This week, I’ll finish my job with Cecil, and then I promised Sara I’d help with the youth conference.”
“Me, too.”
“I know. That’s how Sara convinced me to go along. Since she’s my landlady, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to be nice.” He kissed her again. “Whoever dreamed I’d be a church chaperone?”
~~~
Ugh! Joni didn’t want
to be on the bus. She leaned her head against the window and tried to shut out the twins’ obnoxious giggles coming from the seat in front of her. If she had known James was driving his truck she never would’ve agreed to chaperone some of the younger girls. The bus hit a pothole and her temple banged against the window.
It wasn’t fair. Philip and Cole had fought over riding shotgun when she was supposed to be riding next to James. And why did he invite Blaine to ride with them? Blaine!
Twin heads popped up in the seat in front of her. “We’re glad we’re in your room. We’re gonna stay up all night.”
Joni forced a smile. “Not all night.” The twins rattled on about how they wanted her to fix their hair. Sara put one adult in each room. Unfortunately, Joni got paired up with the twelve-year-olds. Marla, on the other hand, got the easy assignment. All her girls were sixteen and could take care of themselves. Amanda called from the seat in front of the twins. They turned, leaving Joni in peace.
~~~
Lint roller?
Joni smiled at James’s text and set her scrunch spray on the hotel dresser. Yeah five minutes.
Flipping her head upside down, she styled her hair in waves. A knock sounded at the door. The twins squealed and ran to the peephole. Joni rolled her eyes and crossed the room. She unzipped the side pocket on her suitcase while the knocking continued. Patience wasn’t one of James’s virtues.
The twins hid in the bathroom as she opened the door. His yellow dress shirt stretched across his broad shoulders. Bare toes peeked out from navy pants.
“I told you five minutes. I’m in the middle of doing my hair.” She held out the lint brush.
He flashed his killer smile. His fingers grazed hers as he removed the object from her hand. “Thank you.” He lifted a strand of her hair. “Too stiff. I like it soft and fuzzy.”
She hid her smile. “I didn’t ask you.” She shut the door. The twins bounced over to the mirror above the sink. James’s voice carried through the door. “Hurry up or you’ll be late.”
“I can’t believe James came in our room.”
Joni glared at the giggly preteens. With all the busybodies at church, she had to set the record straight. “He knocked on the door. Period. He didn’t come in.”
“Same difference.”
Joni inhaled deeply. “No, it’s not the same. James doesn’t need people suspecting him of inappropriate behavior. Don’t spread lies about him.”
One of the twins tilted her head. “I never thought about it that way.”
The other shrugged. “Me either. We promise not to gossip. We like him.” The three girls giggled behind their hands.
“Good.” Five knocks rapped against the door. Without saying a word, she took the lint roller and shut James out.
The bus stopped in front of the small arena designated for the conference thirty minutes before service time. The place was crowded and they barely found enough chairs for their group on the bottom level. Cole and James sat close to the front. Ever since he got saved, he wouldn’t sit with her in church. Why?
After some awesome praise and worship music, the evangelist admonished the crowd to seek after God’s will. Chairs were moved and the people in the stands flooded the bottom level. Joni watched the girls around her stretch their hands toward heaven. It looked like they were reaching for something they couldn’t obtain by their own power.
She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds around her. Individual voices jabbered. Some in shrill pitches. Others in low moans. Musical highs and lows blended together in angelic harmony. The man in the corner set the beat by jumping up and down. When he tired, a man on the other side stomped his foot. Cymbals sputtered forth from a lady propped up against a column. The chaos of over two thousand worshippers became a chorus orchestrated by someone other than the people themselves. Joni longed to play for this unseen conductor.
She closed her eyes and raised her hands. A heavy mist fell and Joni’s nerve endings tingled. Tears pooled in her eyes, but she shook off the feeling and dropped her arms. Squeezing through the shoulder-to-shoulder crowd, she searched for James.
He was on the floor, jabbering. Standing beside him, Cole bounced on the balls of his feet while sweat poured down the side of his face. Her heart pounded. What if Cole stepped on James? She pushed closer. Vince staggered into her, blocking her way. She peeked over his shoulder. Tears leaked from the corners of James’s eyes.
In the time since she’d known him, she had seen him cry once. In the apartment, after losing Isaac, tears rendered him weak, but now an aura of power cloaked him and joy radiated from his body. She wanted to share this new experience with him, but he was in a place she couldn’t reach.
~~~
James swallowed the last of his brownie as Joni walked toward the table he shared with Philip, Cole, and Vince. “Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you anywhere.”
A hundred questions sparkled in her eyes. “I’ve seen you.” With a tilt of her head, she bit her lip and raised her eyebrows.
He released a chuckle and picked up his empty plate. “Come on. Let me throw this away and we’ll talk about it.” He tossed his trash into the nearest can. In the parking lot, Joni turned toward his truck. James captured her hand and led her into the arena. This time he was prepared for her questions.
“Why can’t we talk in your truck?”
The busted streetlight cast them in the shadows. He couldn’t see her face. “Because. I’d give in to temptation and kiss you. Someone would see and think the worst.”
Her giggle was musical. “You’re probably right.”
He led her by the hand into the stadium seats. Here in the bright lights, his hands would be forced to behave, but no one could hear their conversation. He stretched out his legs across the row in front of him and leaned back on his elbows.
Joni sat on the concrete row below his knees. “How did you do that gracefully?”
That could be any number of things in Joni’s mind. Speaking in tongues? Shouting? Falling out in the Spirit? What did she see exactly? “The altar service was two hours long. I get the feeling you hid out somewhere and watched my every move. Be more specific.”
Curiosity sparkled in her eyes. “Start with the jabbering.”
Deep laughter escaped him. A frown crossed her face and he tried to rein in his amusement. “Joni…” He pressed his lips together and held his breath until the urge to laugh passed. “I was not jabbering.”
“Yes, you were, and this wasn’t the first time.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “You’ve attended church for months. Surely you’ve heard someone speak in tongues.”
“Heard it? Yes. Understood it? No.” She propped her elbows on her knees.
“Why didn’t you ask someone to explain it to you?”
“I did.” Her smile turned into a smirk. “And you said…” She cocked her head and mimicked him. “Joni, the Holy Ghost is for preachers, evangelists, and Sunday school teachers.”
He cringed but sat up and put his feet on the floor. “Joni, you shouldn’t take spiritual advice from someone who is interested in you carnally.”
Her mouth fell open. And then she laughed.
“It’s not funny.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m dealing with serious guilt issues.”
Her laughter stopped and she leaned slightly forward. “Can I take spiritual advice from you now? Or are you still interested, carnally?”
With the way she leaned forward, the view from his elevated position distracted him from her question.
She tugged her denim jacket closed and straightened. “Never mind. I have my answer.”
He couldn’t hold back a grin. “I try not to be interested. Sometimes, I can’t help myself.”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Explain the baptism of the Holy Ghost to me.”
At a loss for words, he shrugged. “I can’t.”
She must have forgotten her loose top because she leaned over again. “Is it…sc
ary?”
He moved beside her, blocking the view of his traitorous eyes. “Do I look scared?”
A puzzled expression crossed her face. “No, you look happy.”
He lifted her hand. “Having the Holy Ghost is whatever you need when you need it. You can’t label it, put it on a list, or file it away. It’s a gift. Direct access to God. You can’t own it or rush it. But you can choose not to accept it.” Uncertainty lingered in her jade eyes.
“Hey, Romeo!” Mark called from below them. “Let’s go!”
James held up his free hand. “One more minute.”
“Hurry it up. Everyone is loading the bus.”
James rubbed his thumb across Joni’s dainty knuckles. “What’s really bothering you?”
“You’ve seen me cry. I’m hideous. Red, swollen face. If I got the Holy Ghost I’d probably snot, slobber, and spit. That’s gross.”
He bit his lip to keep from laughing at her horrified expression. She snatched her hand and stood. Descending the steps, she called over her shoulder. “Go ahead and laugh. You know you want to.”
He immediately sobered and ran after her. “I’m sorry, it’s just, you have such a unique way of looking at things.”
She stopped mid-aisle. “If I ever got it, do you promise not to watch?”
He wanted to hug her and swing her around. Joni didn’t like to be left out. He recognized the hunger in her eyes. “No way. I’ll be shouting beside you. Snot, slobber, spit, and all.”
She backhanded him playfully across the stomach. “You will not.” Her giggle sparked his grin. Hand in hand, they ran to the parking lot. She ascended the bus steps and he jogged to his truck where the guys waited on the hood.
As he drove back to the hotel, he thought about the changes in his life. A year ago, a sanctified, Holy-Ghost-filled Joni was his worst nightmare. Now, it seemed an impossible dream. He remembered words he’d spoken long ago when she had asked him why she always cried in the altar. “Joni, you’re too pretty to cry. You should save your prayers for when you are alone.”
The words haunted him all the way to his hotel room. He dropped his card key on the dresser and groaned. What had he done? Joni’s sin was in loving him and Isaac. No wonder she couldn’t let go and find truth. James had selfishly taken her hunger for God and twisted it for his pleasure. What kind of love was that? “God forgive me.”