"I know that now, but I didn't know it then. And it wasn't working. My friend claimed that I would like it, but I didn't enjoy anything about it. The girl was looking bored. So I thought that perhaps I should push harder on her back because that had worked for the wolf cub. So I did."
"Uh oh."
"Yeah. Uh oh. The girl looked at me like I was stupid and griped, Are you trying to get something off of your hand? Then she stood up and walked away."
"That was mean. She shouldn't have said that."
"Well, she did. And I felt like an idiot. I never told my friend how my date had gone. Afterwards I did find out what she was expecting me to do. But by then, I didn't want to do it. I didn't meet many girls because I was doing a lot of pilot work, but even if I was sitting in a shop, and a beautiful girl was standing beside me, I wasn't interested. Any time I was with a girl, I didn't even enjoy kissing them. One girl accused me of being gay and I thought that perhaps I was. And that bothered me because I didn't know how I'd tell my parents that I was gay."
"That's when you went to your granny."
"Yeah. Cause she's really nice and my younger brother had told me that she had helped him out with a problem. So I went to her house for a visit. And I asked her if she thought that my parents would understand me being gay."
"What did she say?"
"She didn't say anything at first because she was choking on her hot chocolate. I think she has problems swallowing. The hot chocolate dripped all over the floor, so I went into the kitchen and brought back a damp cloth."
"I know about the damp cloth now. You cleaned up the floor for her?"
"Yes, because she's old and it would be hard for her to do it."
"Did she help you with your problem afterwards?"
"Yes. She asked me how I knew I was gay. Did I fantasize about kissing boys? I said No. And after a lot of talking, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my granny about the girl and what she had said. She told me that the girl had been very nasty and I was probably frightened that other girls would be the same. That's why I found it difficult to be with other girls. But when I found a nice girl that I liked, it would be different. I wasn't gay; I was just afraid of being embarrassed again by an insensitive girl."
"Do you have lots of girl friends now. I bet you do."
"No I don't. Girls don't like me."
Back to the Table of Contents
Chapter 16
"I've hung your shirt over the heating elements," Kashmira said when she re-entered the music room. "You've moved. You didn't like the soft seat?"
Mathias was sitting on the stool, still wearing the tablecloth over his head. "You can have it. I turned off your singing. I believe your throat was becoming sore."
She giggled. "You're right. It was. Are you in charge of fooling the guards now?"
"If you're in charge of drying the clothes. Was your blouse dry?"
"No, but the skirt was almost ready."
"So you're still in your underwear?"
"Are you thinking of peeking?"
"No. I thought you might be cold. You can have the tablecloth."
"No, I told you. Once a man has worn something, it becomes a man's clothing. Women are not allowed to dress up like a man. It's one of the rules of the church." Kashmira settled herself into the love seat in her favorite position. "You wanted to ask me something?"
"You said that petting was very dangerous. Why did you say that?"
"Because the girl can become pregnant. That is one of my big fears now that I'm having sex regularly. Becoming pregnant."
"Do you mind talking about sex with me?"
"No. You know that I'm not a virgin. I have shamed myself completely in front of you. I have no reason to conceal anything from you now."
"But you're having sex to save people from getting killed. That's not something shameful."
"Still, I am a fallen woman. My church does not allow sex before marriage. Some people would hate me if they found out that I had had sex with two different people."
"Where I live, lots of people have sex before marriage."
"Not here. A woman who goes to church must not have sex before marriage."
"Do all women go to church here?"
"Most of them do."
"But men can have sex before marriage."
"Sure. They have to. Otherwise they'd go crazy with lust."
"If women here can't have sex before marriage, who do those men have sex with?"
"We have many prostitutes. Some are loose women. Some are married women who need food for their families. They help satisfy the men so that they won't rape innocent women."
"The police don't stop men from raping women? Don't you have laws against rape?"
"No. It would be hard to prove that a woman hadn't lured the man into sex. I lured Pablo into having sex."
"How so?"
"He didn't want to. I had to take his hand and show him what to do. Now he likes it."
"And you have sex every day?"
"Yes. We stay in my bedroom and have sex three times."
"Why three?"
"My father requires three times. I don't know why."
"Are you sure you don't mind talking about this?"
"I don't mind. Sex is actually quite boring. Pablo's not bored because I only let him have sex with me for about ten seconds before I tell him to stop. That's why he's still interested later."
"So the two of you undress, have sex for ten seconds, and get dressed again?"
"No. Why would we undress? I pull out the bottom of my blouse from my skirt like your nasty girl did. I make sure that I'm wearing a bra though."
# # # # # # # #
"Who told you about sex, Kashmira? Was it your mom?"
"No. I don't have a mom."
"Did she die?"
"No. My father sent her back to her village."
"Why did he do that?"
"She displeased him."
"How?"
"By having a baby."
"You?"
"Yes."
"If you ever wanted to see your mom, do you know what village she was sent to?"
"No. Ramón would know. He's the one that went to the villages and selected the wives for my father."
"More than one?"
"Not at a time. I heard that he'd have two or three wives a year. They lived upstairs in the wife's bedroom. My father hasn't had any wives for a long time now."
"How old were you when your mom had to leave?"
"I don't know. Perhaps one day old? Two?"
"Who took care of you as a baby?"
"A nanny, I guess. I don't remember."
"What's the earliest thing that you can remember?"
"Playing with a drum in my bedroom. My father came in and stomped it into pieces. I remember the maid being angry with me because she had to clean it up."
"Did the cook or the maid explain sex to you?"
"No. They don't talk to me."
"Did you learn about sex from some of the other girls in your school?"
"No. They don't talk with me. They hate me. I don't know why."
"Did your teacher tell you about sex?"
"A bit. She gave all the girls in the class a piece of paper. A woman's monthly cycle. It explained what we had to do. But not why. Afterwards she caught me having sex and told me that I was no longer a virgin and I was a very bad person."
"Kashmira, this is an important question. Try and remember. When your teacher caught you having sex, were you still wearing all of your clothes?"
"Yes."
"Was the boy?"
"Sure."
"Did he have his hand under your blouse?"
"Yes. And I wasn't wearing a bra and I got pregnant because of that."
# # # # # # # #
"You'll tell me if you don't want to answer these questions, right?"
"Sure. But I don't mind. Fallen women are allowed to talk about sex. I'm not breaking any of the church's laws."
/>
"You say that you became pregnant."
"Yes."
"Did your belly become big?"
"No. I received help in time."
"So you lost your baby."
"I guess. It's not inside me any more and I don't know where it went, so I guess I lost it."
"That's not quite what I meant. Did somebody help you remove the baby from your body?"
"Yes."
"Wouldn't that have been against the laws of your church?"
"Yes. But I had special permission."
"Who helped you to remove the baby?"
"I can't tell you that. I'll go to Hell."
"OK. Let me ask you this. What did that person do to your body so that the baby would leave?"
"I can't tell you that either. I'll go to Hell."
"Last question: You've learned a little about sex. Has any woman or girl given you that information?"
"No."
# # # # # # # #
"Do you trust me?" Mathias asked.
"A bit."
"Only a bit? Why not more?"
"I thought you might be planning to capture me and hold me for ransom. You sound like you're honest, but I have wondered if some of my father's enemies hired you to sneak information out of me by being charming and sexy."
"What information?"
"Information that would allow you to sneak into our home. Or information on how my father protects himself. I told you about the code word that we use for the guards, for example. I didn't realize what I had done until it was too late. You have me all alone inside this room. You could keep me here and start mutilating my body if my father didn't pay a ransom."
"How would I do that? I obviously don't have any weapons."
"How did you cut that gargoyle off its base?"
"I can't tell you that."
"See why I can't trust you completely? You have a weapon somewhere. I know you do. You're hiding it. Are you just waiting for some men outside to kill my guards before you tie me up and take me into the jungle?"
"Is that why you didn't want to go ahead with the plans to escape from your father?"
"No. I don't think I can escape from my father. I believe you're a dreamer and it will cost me my life."
# # # # # # # #
"Why did you ask me if I trusted you?" Kashmira asked.
"Because I have something to tell you that you may not believe. But it's the truth."
...
"I have a question for you," Mathias said. "Why did you come to the church today if you didn't trust me. Why don't you walk out of the cathedral right now if you believe you are in danger."
"Because I'm half naked."
"If you feared for your life, would that stop you? The guards outside would immediately give you clothes. Or you could wear damp clothes. Why haven't you left?"
...
"I haven't walked out because I believe your confession. The one about the girl with the mouth. I don't believe you could have made that up. I felt sorry for you."
"Will feeling sorry for me help you to believe me when I tell you something that is completely different from what you've been told?"
"I don't know."
...
"Do you really think that I'm sexy?"
"Yes."
"I think you're sexy too."
"That's only because I'm in my underwear. My underwear isn't very sexy."
"I wouldn't know. I haven't peeked."
"I know. I've been watching you."
"Does that mean that you'll trust that I am telling you the truth when I say something that is difficult for you to believe?"
"I don't know. Probably not. It would be easy for you to hold off peeking at me until you had me tied up in the jungle and were preparing to mutilate my body."
"Do you actually believe that I'd do that to you?"
...
"No. I don't believe that you'd take me into the jungle and mutilate my body. I liked it when you took my hand and showed me how to clean a table. Because you were gentle. My father won't let any man touch my body – not even my hand. But I thought when you were holding my hand that I would allow you to do that again if you wanted to. You do not have the hands of a brute. So I will see if I believe you when you tell me what you want to tell me. But let me hold your hand. I will know if you're lying."
# # # # # # # #
Well, getting into the lie-detector position took some doing. Even though she was a fallen woman, Kashmira didn't want Mathias to see her in her underwear so he had to continue to wear the tablecloth over his head. The love seat was too small for them to sit next to each other without touching each other too much. Mathias suggested the kitchen. Perhaps their clothes were dry enough to wear. If not, they could sit at the table and she could hold one of his hands.
Mathias re-started some of Kashmira's songs for the benefit of the guard, and once again, she guided him to the kitchen in the tablecloth two-step. Kashmira first checked the clothes in the kitchen. His tablecloth had to stay firmly in place because the clothes were still damp and clammy. She helped him into a kitchen chair and he heard her sit down next to him. One of her hands attached itself to one of his. For extra lie detection capabilities, Kashmira went to the double handhold truth package before saying, "Tell me what I won't believe."
"A woman cannot become pregnant if all a man does is touch the skin of her breasts with his hands. It's impossible."
...
"How do you know about this?"
"My parents told us children how babies are made. My mom told the girls; my dad told the boys. They had bots with pictures and diagrams that we could look at. Plus all of us children had seen wild animals having sex. They don't make baby animals by touching a female animal's udders."
"But men grab women's breasts. Afterwards, the woman is pregnant."
"There's another step involved in between. Grabbing breasts is not part of making a baby. Breasts are for feeding the baby after birth."
"What's the in between step?"
"You should hear this from a woman. I can't tell you this."
"You don't know?"
"Yes, I know. But it's not right for me to tell you this. You need a woman to tell you."
"What woman do I have in my life who would tell me the truth? What woman do I have in my life who would even talk to me?"
# # # # # # # #
"So all of that means that I am still a virgin?"
"Yes. Letting Pablo and Tomás touch one of your breasts is only a beginning part of having sex. You didn't have sex. You are not a fallen woman."
"And I couldn't have been pregnant?"
"No. You definitely were not pregnant."
"I had no baby inside my body."
"You never had a baby inside your body."
"A man who would betray my secrets to my father would also lie to me, wouldn't he?"
"Yes. Such a man would."
"Mathias, I'm going to throw up again."
# # # # # # # #
This time, the damage to clothing was contained. Mathias whipped off his tablecloth and put it down onto the top of the table as Kashmira stood up. He could do little to help as she leaned over the table, rigid arms holding her head above the cloth, while the rest of her body spasmed in the throes of dry heaves. All he could do was bring her water to rinse out her mouth between bouts. When she sat down and muttered, "I think I'm done," he picked up the tablecloth, found the nearest washroom, and cleaned off the cloth as best as he could. When he returned to the kitchen to wash the tablecloth, she had her head down on the table and was sobbing.
She looked up at him and stood, arms outstretched. "Mathias, please?"
Neither realized that a half naked woman was holding onto a half naked man for dear life. How could they? Neither had their eyes open. Even if they had, they wouldn't have been able to see each other through the mist.
# # # # # # # #
Mathias was sitting on a kitchen chair, immediately outside the door to the m
usic room. He had brought Kashmira's dry blouse and skirt, along with the chair, from the kitchen. She was sitting on the stool, leaning into the microphone, and singing. This time she was happier about the song. She had tried to sing with him in the room, and even though he turned his back, she said she couldn't concentrate. It wasn't because she was still in her underwear; she couldn't get into the mood she wanted with him there.
Kashmira held the last note as long as she could and clicked the button on the AMIT. When she turned, she saw Mathias and his multicoloured blindfold. "I thought you were there."
"That's the saddest song I have ever heard," he said.
"Señorita? Señorita?" A voice from outside.
She walked over to the window. "Si?"
"Está bien?" [Are you all right?]
"Si."
"La canción era muy triste." [The song was very sad.]
"Si."
During this exchange, Mathias had his back to her and was now holding a white blouse in one hand and a skirt in the other. The skirt was the first to leave his hand; the blouse next. He already had his own shirt on.
"I'm dressed now," she said, and Mathias turned around.
"Are you feeling better?"
"No. I have another song I have to sing, but first I have to get in the mood."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No. Not yet." Kashmira took him by his hand to the love seat and motioned him to sit. He did. She scrunched in beside him, changed her mind, and stood up again. She looked at the stool but discarded that idea quickly. The end of the loveseat furthest away from where Mathias was sitting was approved. She sat down on the floor and rested against the outside edge of the love seat so that Mathias couldn't see her and she couldn't see him.
"I have something very bad to tell you. I don't want to see you watching me, so I'm going to hide here. You will think that I was an idiota, and I was. But I had trusted him. He was my only friend."
"The paterfamilias?"
"Yes. He was the one who told me about sex. When I was becoming a woman, I had to tell him about the changes to my body. Where the changes were. What my body looked like now. He said that he had to know so that he could protect me from my father's evil. I told him. He was like a mother to me. I would tell a mother. Why wouldn't I tell him?"
...
"He warned me about having sex. About letting any boy touch my body, but I believe he was only doing that because my father wanted him to. He continued to ask me about my body as I got older. Were my breasts bigger? How much bigger? What did they look like? Did I like having them? Things like that."
...
"All of our conversations were in confession. When I told him that I had let a boy touch my breast with his hand, he had asked me if I had liked it. I said that I did. But I also told him why I was doing it. To stop my father from selling me as a virgin. He told me that yes, I had had sex and was no longer a virgin. Then he asked me for more details. How exactly had he touched my breast? I said under my blouse. Which breast did he touch? I said the left one. Did he touch bare skin? I said that he did. Why was it bare? I said because I wasn't wearing a bra. Why wasn't I wearing a bra? I said I often came to school without a bra. Did I do that so boys could see my breasts through my clothes? I explained that the bra was uncomfortable. I asked him why he was asking. He said that all of these things had to be considered in determining how much sin I had committed. Then he asked me if I had been breathing quickly while the boy was touching me. I said that I had been and he became very serious."