Page 36
Author: Lisa De Jong
“Where do you think we would be five years from now?” he asks, slipping his hand under my shirt to run his fingers over my bare stomach.
I jerk my head back on the pillow to get a better look at him. He looks completely serious, but I’m not sure I want to play this game. “What?”
“Just for tonight, I want to pretend that we’re a normal couple making plans for our future. That’s what normal couples do isn’t it?” he asks, letting a small smile touch his lips.
“Asher, I don’t—”
“Please, just help me forget for a little while,” he pleads, moving his face closer to mine. I used to play house all the time when I was younger, but this is different. Whatever we envision can never be. But if this is what he needs right now, I’ll give it to him. I’ll walk over burning coals to feel his heart beat against my palm for the rest of my life.
Unless there’s a miracle on the horizon, all I’m going to have five years from now is the memory of our game of pretend. I’ll have memories of the one Christmas we shared. There will always be the trip to the zoo, the time we went fishing, the night we sat next to the fire and the first time we made love, but I won’t get to relive them . . . not with Asher.
“Okay. ” I bite my lip and let myself be carried away in the dream. “I think we’d be living somewhere far from here. I know you’d get tired of this place after a while, and I’m only here because I’m scared to start over. I’m not sure where we’d go, though. Where would you want to live?” I ask, trying to get lost in the moment.
“Hmmm,” he says, glancing toward the ceiling. “I’ve always wanted to live in Colorado. We could hike, fish, and go rafting. Maybe we could get a small house in one of the small mountain communities. It would be like Carrington, but with so much more to do. ”
I lay my head on his shoulder, resting my hand over his heart. “That sounds nice. What would you be doing?”
“Well, besides reminding my girl every day that she’s the most beautiful, person in the world, I would probably finish my engineering degree and get a job in the field. What about you?” he asks, resting his arm on my shoulders.
“I don’t know. ” I shrug. “Maybe I’d go to law school, or I’ve even thought it would be nice to own a little coffee shop somewhere. Your little Colorado town sounds like the perfect place,” I continue, gripping the front of his t-shirt in my hand. Pretending isn’t as easy as I thought, but at least I can see a future now. I didn’t care about tomorrow much less five years from now . . . until I met Asher.
“How about ten years?” he asks, running his fingers up and down my arm.
“I’ve thought about having kids, but I’m not sure yet. It’s too early to tell. I know I’d at least have a dog. ”
“I want kids. I didn’t really have my dad growing up, so I want to be that for someone,” he says softly. My stomach twists itself up into a knot. There are so many things that people take for granted that the beautiful man in front of me will never get to do . . . simple things that everyone should get the chance to experience.
“I just want to be happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s just you and me, or if we have five kids. I want to feel at peace with where I am,” I reply. My eyes start to well up with tears as I picture Asher and me sitting on our front porch, drinking coffee while we watch our kids play. That vision, when done with a man like Asher, is every girl’s dream.
He pulls back and cups my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. “I need you to promise me something. ” I nod, choking back tears before he continues. “When I’m gone, I need you to move on. Just because I won’t be here—” he stops, squeezing his eyes shut and choking back the hurricane of emotion that he wears all over his face. “I need to know that you can do these things without me. You can’t let your life end when mine does,” he says, his voice cracking a little more with every word.
“Asher—”
He covers my mouth with his finger. “I need to know that you’ll do everything you just told me you wanted to do and more. And, I don’t want you to do it for me. I need you to do it for you. ”
Right now, I can’t even think about loving another man in this way. How can I find someone better when I’ve already had the best? Knowing that Asher is sick, and that I can’t save him when he needs me the most is eating me up inside. It’s coursing through my body like acid. Who is going to want me when I feel so broken and damaged?
I’m getting the chance at a future, and I can’t let it be wasted. Not when Asher is struggling for every passing minute.
“I promise,” I whisper.
“There’s one more thing I’d make sure to be doing five or ten years from now. I’d slowly make love to you every single night and after I was done, I’d hold you until you drifted to sleep. And when the sun came up, I’d make sure to do it all over again because that’s what a girl like you deserves . . . a man who adores you. All of you. ”
“I’d never want you to stop making love to me,” I whisper, choking back my tears.
“I would do this first. ” He leans over me, kissing down the side of my neck. Familiar chills race down my back whenever he touches me there. Wrapping my hand around the back of his head, I let his long, soft hair fall between my fingers.
He pulls back, touching his warm lips to mine and lightly running his tongue across the light arch. “But I’d always come back to these,” he says against my lips.
I never ever want to let him go. If I could, I’d freeze this moment with his body close to mine, lips brushing against each other like silk and the sexy tone of his voice playing in my ears. This is exactly what I’d put in my memory box.
“I need to be close to you,” he growls, kissing the tip of my nose. “I’m going to make love to you. ” My voice won’t let me respond as he rolls me onto my back and rests his body on top of mine. Not long ago this position would have scared me straight out of this room, but when Asher does it, I crave it. He has a way of touching me that eases away the trepidation, filling my body with passion instead. I arch my back, allowing him to pull my t-shirt up to expose my stomach. He inches his hand from my hipbone to my breasts, then follows close behind it with his mouth.
We haven’t done anything like this since the morning at the lake house. Asher’s been too weak, and even though I’d do anything to have that with him again, I didn’t want to push him. I’ve been holding onto that one night, and being able to recreate it would mean everything, but knowing this could be the last time hurts my heart.
“Come here . . . these clothes are in my way,” he says, pulling me up by my arms and lifting my shirt over my head, quickly unclasping my bra. He runs his palms over my nipples, causing my breathing to quicken. I had resigned to the fact that I’d never feel him inside of me again, but it’s about to happen, and I couldn’t be more eager. Cupping my face in his hands, he kisses me like I’ve never been kissed. He starts gentle, and then his lips press harder into mine, almost like he can’t get close enough. The contact is warm before it smolders but he gradually slows it down, kissing the corners of my mouth. It’s loving, passionate, and intense . . . it’s everything a kiss should be.
It’s everything Asher is.
I’ll always remember the look on his face when his eyes meet mine. There is just enough light in the room to give me a glimpse into what he’s feeling, and all the emotions he’s experiencing melt into my heart. Seeing him suffer—the person who I owe everything to—is worst type of pain I’ve ever experienced. He’s drowning, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to save him.
“You’re so f**king perfect. Don’t let anyone make you feel like anything less,” he whispers, pressing his lips to the tip of my chin. His hands cup my backside, leaving not a single inch between our bodies as his mouth skims my throat. I want to feel him moving inside me, but I need this too. I want to feel him everywhere.
He slips his fingers into the waistba
nd of my pants and slides them down my legs without removing his mouth from my skin. His clothes soon follow, leaving nothing between us. I wrap my legs tight around his waist and grip his hair in my hands as his tongue traces my left nipple then my right, sending a warm tingle to my core and proving once again that Asher is my sun.
When I feel him at my entrance, I close my eyes, waiting for that one moment when the fireworks explode and my body lights up. I feel his warm hand cradle my cheek as his thumb caresses my lips. “Look at me, Kate,” he quietly demands.
I open my eyes and see the pain etched all over his face. I wish I had something magical to wash it all away. “Are you okay?” I ask, running my fingers across his strong jaw.
“No,” he whispers, leaning down to place a feather-like kiss to my lips. “I shouldn’t ever have to let you go. ”
Tears form in my eyes making it harder to keep my focus on him. This is so incredibly unfair, I think as I try to swallow the pain at the back of my throat. “You don’t have to. No matter if we’re together or apart, I’m always with you. I’m alive because of you,” I cry, placing my palm to his chest.
“You don’t live because of me. You live because you let me love you. You made the choice to breathe all on your own . . . I just helped you find the strength to inhale. ”
“What did you just say?” I ask, taking a calming breath.
“You don’t live because of me. ”
“No, before that,” I say, wrapping my hands behind his neck.
“I love you,” he whispers. He slowly guides himself into me, never taking his eyes away from mine. “I was prepared to leave this Earth until I met you, and now I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you. I love you so damn much, Kate. ”
“I love you too,” I whisper, feeling my heart clench tightly in my chest.