With that mind-set, she found herself giggling and blushing whenever John called; and finally, four weeks after the dance when he suggested they see a movie together she agreed to go.
Maggie remembered her father’s reaction like it was yesterday.
“I’ve heard about him, Margaret.” Her father only used her given name whenever he was deeply troubled by her actions. “He’s a womanizer…not the kind of young man suitable for a girl like yourself.”
He was talking about Maggie’s purity but his upbringing wouldn’t allow him to spell it out for her.
“Daddy he’s fun…” She couldn’t think of anything else to say
Instead of outlining the reasons John might be bad for her, Maggie’s father raised his voice to a level he rarely used. “You will not date John McFadden!” He stood tall and stern, his posture symbolic of the way he felt on the issue. Maggie’s mother waited quietly in the background, her head bowed. Clearly she was disgraced that Maggie had even considered dating such a one. “Hear me clearly on this, Margaret. You will not date him. I absolutely forbid it.”
Maggie ran to her room and cried herself to sleep and for the first time since she could remember, she refused to pray. There no longer seemed any reason. If God had taken Ben from her, then obviously He didn’t mind whom she dated. There wasn’t one special person for her after all. And the gift she’d once held as precious and worthy only of her husband began to feel more like a burden.
On June 12 that year Maggie turned twenty-two, and the next week she used all her savings to buy an old Honda. Despite feelings of uncertainty she moved into an apartment with two girlfriends from college. She had secretly hoped her parents might try to stop her, maybe explain to her that God still had a plan for her life and that if only she would wait on Him things would fall into place. But they did nothing of the sort.
Instead, while Maggie packed her belongings into a borrowed van, her mother mended a pile of clothes and refused even to make eye contact with her. That day, her mother’s single bit of advice to Maggie had been this: “If you must go, do it quickly. And be aware that you’re breaking your father’s heart.”
Her father clearly disapproved also, but he helped her pack her things and hugged her before she left. “I am letting you go in the grace of God, trusting that by His mercy He will one day bring you safely home.”
Maggie had always wondered how much her father loved her. He was so analytical in his thinking, so devoted to things of God. Often she figured he couldn’t possibly have time for thoughts of her. But that afternoon, under clear, blue summer skies, she saw tears in her father’s eyes—and every question she’d ever had about his love was answered in a single moment. Her father loved her, and he was willing to let her go so that she might find out for herself the weighty importance of one’s choices in life.
After that, she and John began dating in earnest. At first it seemed to Maggie that she’d made a wonderful choice. John doted on her, bringing her jewelry and flowers for no reason other than to declare his love for her. Concerns about his character and intentions vanished like fog in the morning sun. But by the end of July, their relationship grew more physical.
They’d be sitting in the front seat of his car kissing and he’d move his mouth along her neck up toward her ear, begging in raspy whispers to come up to her room for a while, promising her it would be all right. “If you really love me, you’d trust me. I’ll only stay an hour…come on, Maggie.”
Twice she told him no, but on the third time, Maggie thought about her roommates and knew they wouldn’t mind. They had been casual friends of Maggie’s at Akron University, girls who hung out at beer keg parties while Maggie attended her church’s college group and weekly Bible studies. They were thrilled to see Maggie “loosening up,” as they called it, and Maggie knew they wouldn’t pass judgment if she had John up to her room. Besides, guys had actually spent the night in their rooms several times since Maggie had moved in.
It was the first week of August and the air was hot and heavy. As she returned John’s kisses in the stuffy car, Maggie finally caught her breath and smiled at him. “All right, come up. But you have to behave yourself.”
Maggie had a television in her bedroom, and that first night John kept his promise. They talked and laughed and watched late night sports on TV. But two days later the scenario was wildly different. She and John had been talking about her plans for after college when he moved closer and began kissing her. The physical sensation of being close to John, kissing him, was something she had never experienced with Ben. She felt truly alive for the first time.
That night as their kisses grew more urgent she allowed him to ease her down onto the bed. At first she convinced herself they could stop if they wanted to. But his kisses built a fire in her that grew with each passing minute.
“Trust me, Maggie. It’s okay…” His whispered words of reassurance convinced her that she had nothing to lose—nothing of any real value. Instead she might actually gain something: a closer relationship with John, a better understanding of what real love was about.
And so, with those thoughts in mind, she did the one thing she had promised since junior high never to do.
The changes in John did not happen overnight as she once had feared they would if she ever gave in to him. Instead, he seemed to love her more than ever. When they spent time together in her room at night, they no longer pretended to be interested in television. Instead they did the thing that made Maggie feel better with John than she’d ever felt with anyone in her life.
Including Ben.
Her feelings, for John were never the intense longings she had felt for Ben, never the love she had imagined sharing with her husband one day. Rather it was a thrilling sort of sensation, as though she were flying above the masses of regular people and had been let in on a high only a privileged few might ever experience. Later she would remember a pastor telling his congregation that the fruit Eve took from the snake must have been delicious beyond belief because the lure of it was enough to make Eve turn her back on God.
It had been the same way with John, even if Maggie didn’t recognize it at the time. She thought only about how complete and whole she felt being desired by someone like him, someone who could have had his pick of girls. John filled her senses until she was satisfied beyond anything she’d ever felt, and she hoped her days with him would never end.
As time passed, Maggie had done such a good job of convincing herself what she and John were doing was okay that she rarely suffered twinges of guilt while she lay in his arms. But in the light of day…that was another story. She often had moments of gut-wrenching conviction. From nine to five, Maggie worked at a nearby clothing store so she could pay her share of the rent. Sometimes the voices that haunted her during her shift were so distracting she could barely help the customers.
Flee immorality…be pure, daughter, as I am pure…
The memory of those holy warnings snapped Maggie back to the present.
“Are you okay?” There was concern in Dr. Camas’s voice and he leaned slightly forward, resting his elbows on his oak desk. “Should we take a break, perhaps?”
Maggie shook her head. “No. I was just remembering something that happened before I came here. I almost…I was nearly arrested for talking to a little girl I didn’t even know. She was…she was blond, and I’ve been seeing her everywhere…at the market, at the park, on my computer screen at work…” She stared at him and wondered what kind of terrible person he must think her. “It was part of what led up to this, to my coming here, I guess.”
Dr. Camas cocked his head and frowned, but contrary to Maggie’s fears, there was no contempt in his eyes. “You can’t change the past, Maggie. It happened.”
“But I lied. I’m the worst possible wife ever!” She choked the words off, aware she was yelling. Taking a breath, she went on, but more calmly. “And what about my column?” Maggie felt tears stinging at her eyes again. “Like I have any room to comment o
n society…”
He waited and after a beat Maggie lifted her head. “Now you see why my marriage is over.”
“We can talk about that later.”
“I hate him for making me—”
“Maggie, try not to blame when you’re talking about yourself.” It was the first time Dr. Camas had given any guidelines to their discussions.
His comment stung. It is Ben’s fault, all of it. Maggie closed her eyes angrily, and two tears trickled down her cheeks even as the truth trickled into her heart, her mind.
Much of it may well be Ben’s fault, but her behavior certainly wasn’t. She sucked in a slow breath and stared at the doctor. “You’re right. I have my reasons for hating Ben, but I hate myself more.”
“Do you want to continue the story?”
Maggie sighed. “Eventually things changed between me and John…pretty fast, actually.”
“It usually does.”
Dr. Camas might not say much, but Maggie had found that what he did say was generally profound.
Two weeks after Maggie had given in to John, he called her and told her he’d be gone for a few days. “I’ve got things to do, love.”
An alarm sounded in Maggie’s gut, but she took him at his word. Five days later he called again. “Hey, Maggie…I’ve been thinking a lot…about us and…well…”
Fear coursed through her, and she told herself it wasn’t happening. He wasn’t doing to her what he’d most certainly done to so many other girls. Not when she had trusted him implicitly. “What are you saying?”
“I guess I’m saying we need time apart. I’m not ready to settle down with just one person yet.” He waited a beat. “I’m sorry Maggie.”
She and John spoke just once after that, when Maggie called to tell him she was pregnant. “What do you want me to do about it?” His voice no longer held any pretense. Instead he sounded like a stranger. An angry agitated stranger.
“It’s your baby too.” She held the results of the pregnancy test in her hand, terrified of what they meant to her life and her future. Desperate to think it all a mistake.
“Can you prove it’s my baby?” His voice was mean, full of disregard for her and the child she carried.
“Of course it’s your baby. When did I have time to be with anyone else?”
“Come on, Maggie. You gave up the goods too easy. What’s to say you weren’t doing some other guy at the same time?”
A flash of terror pierced her heart. Everything her parents had warned her about was true. She’d gone against God’s Word and now she was left holding the apple core of sin. She remained silent, absorbing his callous tone, sorting through her options. Abortion was out of the question. There was no way she could take the tiny life inside her for the mistakes she herself had made. She could have the baby, maybe move into a less expensive apartment somewhere and try to raise the child on her own. That thought caused another flash of terror.
Maggie closed her eyes and resolved that however she might handle the situation, she would do so without his help. “Never mind, John. Forget I ever called.”
In the days that followed, she halfway expected him to call and at least promise his support. But there were no phone calls, no promises.
She had done the math and figured she’d gotten pregnant sometime that second week of August. Her last phone call with John took place in late October, and now she was nearly five months pregnant and still not showing. By that time, although much of what she would do in the future was still undecided, she had arrived at one conclusion.
She loved her baby.
Ben may have turned his back on her, and John might have seen her as little more than a conquest, but the life growing inside her was one she could love with all her heart. And she knew with absolute certainty she would be loved in return. It didn’t matter that her parents would be disappointed or that she might have to walk a lonely road as a single parent. At least she and her baby would have each other.
But even the strongest love couldn’t dispel the increasing doubts that nagged Maggie as the days wore on. Doubts about how she would care for her child, what means of support she would have. Time and again she found herself wondering what would have happened if she and Ben had stayed together, if this were his baby she was expecting under the marital umbrella of God’s favor.
Although she still hadn’t heard from Ben, her mind was consumed by memories of their conversations, the way he’d looked at her that first night at the picnic, his reaction when she’d kissed him that night at the party while Deirdre looked on.
Eventually Maggie made a plan. One of her roommates had family in Cincinnati. When Maggie confided her situation, the friend contacted her parents and made arrangements.
“You can live with them until you have the baby and stay there while you find a way to live on your own.” The girl leveled her gaze at Maggie. “You know, you could always give the baby up for adoption.”
Maggie’s heart sank. She’d thought of that option and knew it was impossible. Not when she already felt the way she did for the child. “I…I couldn’t.”
Her friend took her hand and squeezed it gently. “You really want this baby, don’t you?”
The question rattled around her empty heart. If only Ben and I had… “Yes,” she finally answered. “With all my heart.”
“Okay then, my parents’ door is open.”
After that it was just a matter of telling Maggie’s parents. The holidays had come and gone by then and her parents were relieved about Maggie’s apparent breakup with John McFadden. Of course, they had no idea how serious things had gotten.
“I always knew God would bring you back to your senses, Maggie,” her father had told her when first she admitted they were no longer an item. “You’re a very special girl, a girl who will save herself for her husband.”
Between her father’s sureness that Maggie was still a virgin and her mother’s quiet disapproval of Maggie’s recent choices, she could not bring herself to tell either of them the truth. Not yet. Maybe not until after the baby was born. They both were upset with her decision to move to Cincinnati; she could only imagine how they’d react if they knew she was pregnant.
“What’s in Cincinnati?” her mother said, spewing the word as though it were an infectious disease.
Maggie sighed impatiently. “I’m tired of Akron, Mother. I need to get out and see the world and right now Cincinnati is the best I can do.”
Her father watched from a distant chair and said nothing. Maggie had the unnerving sense he somehow knew she was in trouble, but she never revealed any details to him and he never asked.
The month before her move to Cincinnati she left her apartment and returned home to save money. She was searching her closet for pants with elastic waistbands one afternoon when the phone rang. She lifted the receiver.
“Hello?”
Silence. Maggie almost hung up, but then someone spoke. “Hi, Maggie girl.”
It was Ben, and her heart swelled at the sound of his voice, the voice her heart had longed for every day since their last conversation. She was speechless.
“Maggie…it’s so good to hear your voice.”
For a while neither of them said anything. Maggie collapsed cross-legged on a pile of clothes, her hand firmly on her slightly rounded abdomen as tears streamed down her cheeks. Why now? When it’s too late?
In the wake of her silence, Ben rushed ahead. “Maggie, I’m sorry…so sorry I won’t blame you if you hang up and never speak to me again. Really…but I had to call you, had to tell you…Maggie, I can’t stop thinking about you. I never have.”
Maggie swallowed several times, composing herself so that he wouldn’t know she was crying. “Why, Ben? After all this time?” Whatever they might have had was lost forever now. She had thrown away the most precious gift God had given her, and in a few months she would be a single mother. She and Ben stood on separate continents now with no way to bridge the ocean between them.
He sighe
d and launched into an explanation of his choices that past spring. “Deirdre needed me…I don’t know.” He paused. “We thought…she thought if we were together maybe everything would be right with her world.”
Maggie waited. Clearly Ben had felt the same way or he wouldn’t have broken things off with her. Not that it mattered. The conversation was pointless. Everything about her life had changed, and if Ben knew the truth he’d hang up and never give her a second thought. He saw her as a precious virgin, the pure and wholly faithful girl she’d been back before their separation.
He released a rush of air. “Whew…this is harder than I thought it’d be.”
“I guess I don’t understand. You must have wanted to be with her, too.”
“I loved her mother, Maggie. It seemed like the right thing to do—like I owed it to her…to stay with her through that whole mess. I figured if we were supposed to be together, the way everyone always thought we would, then I’d know if we spent a few months with just us. With no distractions.”
Maybe she should tell him the truth outright and stop the silly charade. But she couldn’t. Instead she continued to listen.
“At first it seemed like maybe we’d made the right decision, but after a few months—when things settled down and Deirdre’s hip healed—we both came to the same conclusion. What we have between us is more like a brother-sister thing. She started dating someone else two months ago.”
Maggie closed her eyes, struggling to take a deep breath. If only he had called her sooner! Given her some hint that things weren’t going well with Deirdre, that in fact his heart resided with her…
“I’ve thought about calling you every day, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t sure. So I waited. Maggie, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
Her mind raced, searching for some way to make it all work out after all. “I’ve got plans now, Ben.” She threw the comment out there, not sure what she was going to say next or what lie she might be willing to say to back it up.