She stared at him numbly and her mind went blank. What did he mean? “I’m not talking about my breakdown; I’m talking about my past. The year before we got married.”
Tears filled Ben’s eyes and the subtle lines on his face smoothed into a reflection of serenity. “I know all about it, Maggie. All of it.”
Her stomach was suddenly in her throat, as though she’d fallen down a forty-two-story elevator shaft. What is he talking about? There’s no way he could have found out about… “I don’t know what you mean, but there’s something you don’t—”
“Maggie, please, listen to me.” He wiped his palms on his black jeans and held her with his gaze. “I know. About McFadden and the baby and everything that happened that summer.”
A faint feeling came over her, and her cheeks felt like they were on fire. If he knew, then he probably had come with divorce papers. “How…how long have you…”
Ben reached out and slowly, tenderly took her hand in his. “A lot’s happened these past few weeks, Mag.”
Her arms and legs were trembling now, and she hugged herself tightly. She hadn’t even had time to apologize, and already the tombstone of truth stood on the table, marking the death of their marriage. “So you want a divorce, is that it? You came here wanting my signature? Because before we talk about—”
Ben closed his eyes and shook his head, but there was not even a hint of condemnation in his expression. “Maggie, stop.” He pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to her. “This isn’t from my attorney, it’s from me. Read it, will ya, Mag? Before we go any further.”
Maggie tried to remember to breathe as she stared first at Ben, then at the envelope. Finally she slid her finger under the flap, pulled out the letter, and froze. “Ben, don’t tell me goodbye in a letter…I want to talk face to—”
“Just read it, Mag. I’ll sit right here and wait.” He planted his elbows on his knees and cupped his fist with his right hand. “Go on.”
Her heart was pounding so loudly she figured the patient next door could hear it. Whatever Ben had written, it was time to face it and move ahead. She opened the letter and began reading.
My precious Maggie…
She paused. He called me his Maggie! Maybe it isn’t too late, maybe… No, it wasn’t possible. Not after what she’d done. She forced her eyes to continue.
So much has happened since you checked into Orchards, I hardly know where to begin except at the beginning. You said something to me before you left, something that has stayed with me daily since then. You told me I didn’t even know you, and at different times over the past month those words have taken on two very different meanings.
The letter went on to say how he had learned about John McFadden and then taken it upon himself to look the man up.
I caught him in the middle of what looked like a drug deal, so he beat me up pretty good…
Maggie gasped and her eyes flew to meet Ben’s. “John beat you up?”
“I lived. Keep reading.” There were still pools of tears in his eyes, and for a moment Maggie wished more than anything she could forget the letter and just take him in her arms so she could love the hurt away. She let her eyes fall back to the letter.
I learned about the baby from McFadden, and that led me to Woodland where I found your old friend, Nancy Taylor.
Maggie blinked hard. Ben had found Nancy Taylor? It didn’t seem possible.
“You met Nancy?” She couldn’t believe any of this was happening.
“Yes. That reminds me, she gave me a letter for you. I have it in the car. She said to tell you she tried to find you but couldn’t. She blames herself for not telling you her real thoughts sooner.”
Maggie’s mind raced. What did all of this mean? “What real thoughts?”
“How she never should have encouraged you to give your daughter up for adoption, how badly she regretted not telling you so at the time. Before it was too late.”
“You…you know my baby was a girl?”
Ben squeezed Maggie’s knee and whispered. “Keep reading.”
A wave of sorrow washed over Maggie and threatened to drown her. So Nancy knew the adoption had been a mistake. It was one more sad affirmation that she had made the wrong choice. But it was too late to change the past. What was done was done, and it hadn’t been Nancy’s fault, it had been Maggie’s. And wherever Maggie’s little girl was now, she had a life of her own, and nothing Nancy or Ben or any of them could say would ever change that.
“I can’t believe you already know.” Maggie’s voice was heavy with regret, and she was stunned by the way Ben was handling the situation. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
Ben said nothing, just held her gaze and smiled sadly. The answer to her question was suddenly obvious. Ben couldn’t have said anything if he’d wanted to. Until that afternoon, she had refused his phone calls and visits. She returned to the pages in her hands.
When I first learned you’d been with John McFadden, gotten pregnant by him, I was angry with you, Maggie. I believed you were right, that I never really knew you and now that I did it was probably better that we stay clear of each other. It seemed like you said that our marriage was over. But then I found Amanda.
If the first free-fall was enough to make her dizzy, this one turned Maggie’s stomach and made the blood drain from her face. She was terrified to ask the question, because deep in her soul she already knew the answer. “Who…who is Amanda?” Her fingers twisted together and she couldn’t still her shaking.
“She’s your daughter, Mag.” Ben’s words were slow and steady, measured by the calm of a man controlled by the Holy Spirit. “She’ll be eight in six months or so.”
The tears came then, and Maggie moved into Ben’s arms where she collapsed against him, sobbing, desperately trying to make sense of what he was telling her. How was it possible? Ben had learned the sordid truth about her past and instead of finding an attorney and being done with her, he had continued his search until he’d found her daughter. Amanda. Amanda…Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.
She ran the name over and over again in her mind.
“It’s okay, Mag. She’s fine and she…she looks just like you.” He spoke softly, into her hair. “You should see her. She’s beautiful.”
“Y-y-you’ve seen her?” Maggie couldn’t control her weeping. Lord, what is all this? Why didn’t You let me know this was happening? She exhaled, and when she could speak more clearly she leaned back and searched Ben’s eyes. “You found her? Is she…is she okay?”
“She’s wonderful.” He took the letter from her hands and finished reading. “After I found Amanda, I knew what you’d told me was truer than I could ever have imagined. I never knew you. And now that I do, Maggie, now that I know how much you gave up to be my wife, I feel like I know you for the first time.”
He studied her eyes. “I love you, Maggie. I just—” His voice was choked with emotion. “I think of all the times I seemed unforgiving, like I expected you and everyone else to be perfect.” He sighed and shook his head. “What that must have done to you, Mag. I’m so sorry.”
She was having a crazy dream. That had to be it. Or maybe someone had slipped her some psychiatric medication. Every hour since her moment of reckoning, she had dreaded facing Ben with the truth and apologizing for the sins of her past. But here he was, already aware of all she’d done—and he’d found her daughter. Now he was asking her forgiveness. None of it made sense…
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…
She closed her eyes briefly. Of course it made sense—God had been working on Ben behind the scenes at the same time He was working on her here at Orchards. There could be no other explanation. That’s why Ben had come, why he was here now, of all things, apologizing to her.
Her eyes locked on his again, and she shook her head. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have given you a chance, told you the truth from the beginning.”
“It doesn’t ma
tter.” Ben pulled her close again and stroked her hair. “We’re here now and we have a future to figure out.”
“There’s still something you don’t know, Ben.”
He waited, his eyes only mildly curious, as though nothing she might say could change the way he felt about her. “I’m listening.”
Maggie drew a deep breath. “I’ve ached for that child since…” Her voice cracked with emotion. “Since I gave her up. I’ve seen her in supermarkets and at church functions and looked for her on milk cartons. I’ve dreamed about her nearly every night and in the past week I decided to do whatever I could to find her.” Maggie gulped back a sob. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, Ben. But she’s my daughter. I can’t deny that another day.”
He smiled at her and despite the tears in his eyes she caught a glimpse of the familiar twinkle, the one that always appeared when he was keeping a secret or about to surprise her with flowers or a night out. “I’m not asking you to deny it, Mag.”
The questions hung around her heart like a heavy curtain, and she was terrified to ask even one, but she couldn’t wait any longer. In some ways, she’d been searching for her daughter since the moment she’d let her go back in the hospital room in Woodland. And now the man she’d thought would turn his back on her had found her little girl. She had to have answers. Just knowing Ben had found her, seen her, made Maggie’s arms ache from missing her. She could still remember the way her daughter felt as a swaddled newborn safe in her embrace.
God, I want to hold her again. Just one more time…
“About Amanda…is she…are her adoptive parents good people?”
Ben pulled back slowly and helped Maggie back to the bed. “Her adoptive parents died nearly three years ago, Maggie.” He held both her hands and she was sure he was looking straight into her soul. “She’s been in the foster system, up for adoption ever since.”
Maggie gasped and her hands flew free of his to cover her mouth. Three years ago? For three years her daughter had been in the foster system? And though Maggie and Ben had been licensed foster parents they hadn’t even known, about her. How could that be? It was devastating. But at the same time it offered the slightest ray of hope. If she was still up for adoption…
Ben framed Maggie’s face with his hands. “She’s in the lobby, Mag. I didn’t know if you’d want to see her today or not.”
This final shock was greater than the other two combined. Every day since determining she would find her daughter, she’d prayed that God would make the way clear. And now, here was Ben, offering not only sorrow and forgiveness without reservation, but also the moment she’d dreamed of every day since letting her daughter go.
Maggie let loose a laugh that was half cry, half triumphant shout. “Are you serious?”
“She wants to meet you. She’s been wanting to find you as badly as you’ve wanted to find her.”
“But why do you have her—? I don’t understand.” Again she wondered if she were dreaming. God, I can’t believe this…You’re so good…
“Her social worker assigned me as her temporary foster parent. We didn’t know if you’d…how you’d feel about meeting her.”
Fresh tears stung at Maggie’s eyes. Was it really possible? Was her daughter actually waiting in a room just down the hall…waiting to meet her? “Oh, Ben, please go get her.” She was on her feet, hugging him as her heart filled with the greatest anticipation she had ever known. “Hurry, Ben. Please.”
At first Amanda had made time go by with watching the people who passed the reception desk. But after a while her stomach grew nervous, so she closed her eyes and prayed. Make my mama happy again, dear God. She’s been here a long time because she’s sad. And I know You don’t want her sad anymore.
Just then Mr. Stovall walked around the corner and smiled at her. “You ready?”
Her heart jumped inside her and she was on her feet at his side in an instant, her hand safely in his. “Yep.” She grinned up at him. The butterflies weren’t because she was worried; they were because she was happier than she’d ever been in her entire life. She was actually going to get to meet her mother!
Amanda could hardly wait.
Thirty-six
THE MOMENT MAGGIE SAW HER, SHE INHALED SHARPLY.
Lord, she’s exactly the same girl…The precious, blond child I’ve seen so often over the past year.
And now she was suddenly standing there for real, hand in hand with Ben, looking so like Maggie at that age that she wondered again if it weren’t all part of some marvelous, imaginary moment.
“Hi, honey.” Maggie held her distance, not wanting to frighten her. She’s beautiful, Lord. I can’t believe she’s here…
With eyes that glowed, the child smiled sweetly at Maggie and stepped forward, one hand outstretched. “Hi, I’m Amanda.”
It was actually her, the daughter Maggie had held only a few hours, the child she’d loved every moment these past eight years. She reached out to shake the girl’s hand, then caught herself. What was she doing? This was the daughter she’d dreamed of holding as far back as she could remember.
“Oh, Amanda! Honey, come here.” Maggie felt tears in her eyes as she slid to the edge of the bed and held out her arms. Amanda ran to her, and they joined in a way that only mother and child can. Ben moved into the room but allowed them this time. Maggie’s heart was nearly bursting with gratitude for him and a love that seemed to be blossoming by the moment, a love far more intense than anything they’d shared in the past.
The details about Ben and Maggie would have to wait. Right now she had Amanda, and that was all that mattered. She held onto her little girl and allowed her tears to mingle with her daughter’s long blond hair. “I’ve wanted to find you since the day I gave you up.”
Her daughter’s arms were locked around her and she could feel her small body convulsing with sobs. “I’ve p-p-prayed for this f-f-forever.”
Maggie couldn’t tell which emotion was stronger: the heartache for the years they’d lost or the joy at having found her now. She pulled back a bit and gently moved Amanda’s bangs out of her eyes and wiped her daughter’s tears with her thumb. “So who are you, Amanda? Tell me about yourself.”
Amanda looked at Ben and a grin flashed on her tearstained face. “I’m braver than the Crocodile Hunter, that’s what Mr. Stovall says.”
Maggie laughed. “You mean you’ve been watching that crazy crocodile guy on TV?”
Ben and Amanda exchanged a smile, and Amanda’s laughter rang across the room. “Mr. Stovall says there’s nothing like the freshwater crocodile gallop and that the Crocodile Hunter is the only guy who thinks rattlesnakes are beautiful.”
“He’s got that right.” Maggie beamed at the girl in her arms and cupped her face tenderly in her hands. “I can’t believe you’re here, Amanda. And you’ve been in foster care how long?”
In the background, Ben shook his head and mouthed the word, “Later.” A sick knot formed in Maggie’s stomach, and she remembered the columns she’d written on the Social Services department before going to Orchards. She flashed him a questioning look, but he only shook his head and something pained in his eyes told her that Amanda’s time in foster care had not been good.
“A l-l-long time. But I had Kathy so it was okay.”
“Kathy?”
Ben cleared his throat and cut into the conversation. “Kathy’s the wonderful social worker I was telling you about.”
Amanda nodded. “Kathy was going to adopt me, but the state said her house was too small. So I had to keep going to foster homes. Whenever things didn’t work out there, I stayed with Kathy.”
Whoever this Kathy was she had found a special place in Amanda’s heart, and Maggie couldn’t wait to fit the pieces together and meet the woman. Whatever had happened during her years of foster care, they could talk about it later. Now was the time to hold her and laugh with her and help her understand that even though they barely knew each other she would always be safe and lov
ed with them.
Is this a forever thing, Lord?
She ran her hands down Amanda’s arms as she studied her daughter again. It was utterly unreal that she was here—a living, breathing little girl standing before her, and that she was indeed the child she’d wondered about for so long.
She wanted to ask Amanda never to leave, to consider staying in Cleveland and live with them for always. But that, too, could wait.
Amanda hugged her again and this time when she pulled back, she looked sad. “Mr. Stovall says you’re here because you’re sick. And that you’ve been sad. Are you getting better?”
Maggie caught Ben’s eye in the background and tried to convey to him the love that was bursting in her heart. “Actually, I’m not sad anymore at all. In fact, I can probably go home today if I want.”
Ben’s eyebrows raised and he started toward her, then stopped. She understood and again she was grateful. This was Amanda’s moment not his, and he obviously wasn’t going to do anything to interfere.
She grinned at Ben, then back at Amanda. “So what do you think of old Mr. Stovall?”
“He’s great. We got to do all kinds of things the last couple of days. He even bought me a new bedspread—it’s pink with flowers on it.” Amanda cast Ben a look of trust and admiration. “Best of all, he prays with me whenever I feel like it. No one ever did that before except for Kathy.”
Ben shrugged and returned a smile to Amanda.
Maggie’s jaw dropped as she watched the exchange. The situation grew more amazing by the moment. Her husband had clearly been captivated by Amanda’s beguiling charm and was now so smitten by her little-girl love for him that he was looking every bit the proud father.
“Can you believe it, Maggie?” Ben’s eyes said the things his words didn’t.