I sit down, saving the seat beside me for Paula who’s running late. She walks in as Mr Morello starts marking the roll.
It takes me less than a second to notice something’s wrong. ‘What happened?’
She slumps low in her chair, fixes her eyes on the desk. ‘Nancy called last night,’ she says quietly. ‘She got a job in New York.’
‘Oh.’
‘She was supposed to be back next month. I was counting down the days.’
Mr Morello’s collecting the diaries to check parents have signed his notes. We pass ours up to the front.
‘What did your parents say?’
She shrugs. ‘They’re happy for her. Less guilt if she’s not around.’
‘Maybe they’re just happy for her getting that kind of opportunity.’
She doesn’t look convinced.
‘They love you, Paula. They just have high-end jobs. It’s shitty but has nothing to do with their love for you.’
‘So what if they love me? I’m their daughter. That’s their job.’
I don’t have an answer to that.
‘I should have known Nancy wouldn’t come back. I miss her so badly. I feel so lonely at home since she left. I can’t remember the last time I had quality time with my parents. Most weeknights I’m in bed before they get home, or else it’s a short excuse of a D&M when I know they’re hanging for a shower and bed before it all starts again the next morning.’
I listen without saying anything, giving her the space to pour it all out.
‘She could have come back, got a job here, moved out and got a place of her own. I could have at least visited her then. We’d have each other. There’s no way she’ll return.’ She groans. ‘I can’t compete with New York. She’ll meet some hot guy and they’ll spend their time having picnics in Central Park and watching Law & Order being filmed on location.’
‘A couple of years and you can move out too.’
Her eyes narrow. ‘You bet.’
Mr Morello’s voice interrupts us. ‘Joy, Craig, Paula, your parents still haven’t signed your diaries. There are notes here that are over a month old. I’ve called and left several messages with your parents.’
Paula squirms in her seat. She looks ashamed. Mr Morello notices. He glances her way, pauses for a moment, puts the diaries aside and says he’ll deal with the matter later.
‘My parents don’t sign my diary all the time either,’ I tell her.
‘Do they ignore five calls from school? My mum actually complained to me that she feels harassed. It’s on her to-do list, she said.’
‘Below colonic irrigation? Brazilian wax?’
That gets a smile out of her.
Mr Morello reads out some announcements. We almost make it to the bell but Terrence gets up to throw something in the rubbish and notices Paula as he passes.
‘What’s with you girls? You’re always PMSing. Have you been crying, Paula?’
‘No,’ she snaps.
‘You sure? Your face is all blotched and puffy.’ He laughs, shoots the scrunched up bit of paper in his hand into the bin.
‘Knock it off, Terrence,’ Michael says, but Terrence is in a goofball mood and having too much fun.
‘Relax,’ Terrence says.
‘Sit down, Terrence,’ Mr Morello barks at him.
‘But, sir, Paula’s crying.’
‘She’s not crying, you idiot!’ I yell.
Paula stands up. ‘Screw you, Terrence,’ she says and runs out of class.
Mr Morello gives Terrence a detention. Terrence acts like his human rights have been violated. The bell rings. Mr Morello asks Paula to skip the next class and meet him in his office. Jane looks upset but her eyes are following Terrence, not her cousin. Michael looks embarrassed on behalf of his dirt-bag friend and I’m staring daggers at Terrence.
*
I close in on Michael in the hallway on our way to English.
‘Your friend is a jerk,’ I say in a low voice so only he can hear.
‘Yeah. I know.’ He looks guiltily at me. ‘I’ll talk to him.’
Terrence is ahead, Jane on one side, Fred and Leica on the other. They’re all laughing.
I corner Jane at lunchtime.
‘She’s your cousin.’
She looks guilty for a moment, then flicks her hair and says, ‘So?’
‘So Terrence gives her a hard time and you still act like he’s God’s gift?’
‘He’s only mucking around.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘That’s what he’s like. He’s always joking. She shouldn’t take things so seriously. He was fine at lunch the other day, remember?’
‘So he can do normal and jerk. How is that an excuse?’
‘There’s another side to him. I told you.’
‘What kind of excuse is that? Oh he’s not a jerk all the time. I don’t know why you insist on defending him.’
She blushes. ‘We’re kind of . . . well, we might be going out.’
I blink slowly. ‘What do you mean, might be?’
She laughs nervously and runs her fingers through her hair. ‘Okay, I’m dying to tell somebody. Leica’s having a fight with Cameron so she’s in her own world at the moment. I feel bad opening up to her when she’s feeling so low.’ She sighs, then takes a step closer to me and leans in. ‘We hooked up on the weekend.’ Her eyes flash with excitement. ‘At Kaleb’s party.’
I look at her, aghast. ‘You’re dating him now?’
‘I mean I wasn’t planning on, you know, going all the way with him. But he made me feel so special . . . And I felt bad leading him on and then, you know, stopping.’ She sees the look of horror on my face. ‘No, it’s not like that. I wanted him to.’
I let out a slow breath and she shakes her head. ‘Maybe it happened quicker than I expected but it’s fine . . .’ But her tone doesn’t inspire confidence. She can tell I’m sceptical.
‘You think I’m a slut, don’t you?’ she says.
‘What?’
‘Just because you come from a backwards culture you think I’m a slut now.’
I feel like she’s slapped me in the face. I stare at her, stunned and hurt. Just as soon as the words escape her mouth I can tell she regrets them. Her shoulders deflate and she looks at me, ashamed.
‘I’m sorry, Mina. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m just not so sure of where Terrence and I stand now, after the weekend . . .’ Her voice trails off and she shrugs. ‘It hurts so bad, Mina. Not knowing. I thought he’d pay me more attention this morning in home room. But he was distant. Then in the hallway he was warm and funny.’ She’s lost in her own thoughts, biting on a nail. ‘Maybe he’s trying to protect me? Like, not let everyone know about us until we’ve spoken about it?’
‘Yeah, probably,’ I say. A part of me pities her. But there’s a part of me too that can’t believe she’s fallen for somebody so mean.
‘Anyway, I’ll sort it out.’ She puts on a brave face and smiles at me. ‘Don’t tell anybody, promise?’
‘Yeah, I promise.’
‘And I’m sorry. Really.’
Michael
‘Man, that wasn’t cool or funny,’ I tell Terrence.
He laughs. ‘Yeah, it was a bit low, hey. But I couldn’t help it. I’m so over seeing girls moping around like they’re surprised that life sometimes sucks.’ He rolls his eyes.
I remember when I first got my Ps. I accidentally ran over a dog and Terrence fell apart on the side of the road, sobbing uncontrollably. I’ve seen Terrence pick on kids just because he’s bigger, perfect the atomic wedgie in PE. But I remember when Travis Bates came to our school for two terms last year and Terrence caught some year nines making fun of him because he has cerebral palsy. The look in Terrence’s eye was wild. He would have beaten the shit out of them if we were out of school. Just one word from him and
they left Travis alone. He has no problem calling somebody four-eyes, but Travis was hands-off. He never hung out with Travis, but he told him that if anybody messed with him he’d fuck them up. When he’s over at my place, he’s nothing but patient with Nathan and will sit for ages listening to him drone on about plane engines.
And then he goes and taunts Paula like that, and I wonder who the hell he is.
He’s like one of those half-baked cakes. Some parts are hard and overcooked, others soft and gooey. You can never tell which part you’ll get.
The scariest thing about people like Terrence and my parents is not that they can be cruel. It’s that they can be kind too.
*
Anh is pissed off with my stats and pulls me aside at the beginning of my shift.
‘Look, you’re not meeting targets. You’ve got to push harder.’
‘Honestly, if it was between a crook politician and us, I reckon people would choose the politician. I can practically feel the hate coming at me through the phone.’
‘Derek over by the window is a zit-faced frigid who probably hasn’t had a single relationship in his life unless he’s paid for it. He couldn’t strike up a water-cooler conversation to save his life. But put him on the phone and he rakes in the money.’ I look at Anh, bewildered. ‘So. If he can do it, you’ve got no excuse.’
‘Right. Um. Okay. I’ll try.’
‘Now go collect shitloads of money. We’ve got a contract from the RSPCA this month. Think of neglected puppies and cats that seemed like a good idea at Christmas only to be kicked out midyear.’
The first half of my shift is a disaster. I’m calling when busy stay-at-home mums have just picked up the kids from school. I’m the last call they want to deal with. I glance at Derek, who’s busting a pimple as he speaks. He’s obviously just scored a donation and is grinning.
The idea hits me and I run with it before I have a chance to talk myself out of it. I decide to make up rare endangered animals to get more money. There’s the white kangaroo, western hairy platypus, green-nose frog. It becomes a sort of fun challenge, trying to think up new names. I don’t know what it is about endangered species but it gets people’s attention. I exceed my target and Anh is ecstatic.
Until somebody calls in to complain that there’s no such thing as a western hairy platypus and demands a refund.
I get the sack.
*
Mina and I are huddled up in a café booth. She’s in fits of laughter. Not exactly the shoulder to lean on that I was hoping for.
‘Tell me again,’ she says, having way too much fun teasing me to feel an ounce of sympathy for the humiliating way I lost my job. ‘How much did you get for the white kangaroo?’
‘Fifty bucks.’
She cackles. I take her hand and softly kiss her palm.
‘Where are your morals?’ she shakes her head in parody of a disappointed parent. ‘Honest people’s money.’
‘Going to a good cause. The RSPCA would still get the money. It’s not my fault if a cat can’t arouse people’s sense of charity but a blue mountain bee can.’
‘A blue mountain bee?’ she laughs. ‘How much did that one get?’
‘Twenty bucks.’ I kiss her other palm. ‘And only because I told him the honey produced by these bees had won some international honey award.’
‘A honey award?’
‘Yeah. He was impressed.’ I lean in to kiss her but she has the giggles and pulls back.
‘Speaking of honey,’ she says, ‘I feel like a brownie.’
‘Oh, I can see the connection.’ I stand up to buy her one.
‘Sugar. Duh.’ She sits up, stretching to see the display of cakes. ‘As a feminist I don’t expect you to buy it for me because I’m a girl. I’m asking you to get it because I’m too lazy to get up.’
I laugh and she grins at me, poking her tongue out the side of her mouth.
Terrence calls me as I’m paying. I don’t take the call, and text him that I can’t talk and will call him back soon.
‘Do you have to go?’ she asks me when I return.
‘Nah, it was Terrence. I’ll call him later.’
‘I don’t get you two. You’re so different.’
I shrug. ‘We go way back. It’s hard to just end a friendship.’
‘I can’t imagine you having much in common.’
I take a long sip from my milkshake. ‘Basketball. Gaming. That’s about it. I know he can be a jerk and a sexist pig. But I know he can be a good guy too.’
She frowns. ‘Just because somebody can be good sometimes doesn’t make up for the times they’re a jerk.’
‘Yeah I know. Look I’m not making excuses for him.’
‘Sounds a bit like you are.’ She takes a bite of her brownie and watches me closely as she chews.
‘I’m not, I promise. I hate how he acts at school sometimes. But . . . people are complicated, is what I’m saying. You see one side to him. I see others. He’s always been there for me. You need him and he’s there, no questions asked. Like I said, we have history. It’s hard to turn my back against that.’
‘He hurts people’s feelings. He hurt Paula’s feelings.’
‘I told him off about that. He’ll leave her alone now. I’m sure of it.’
She picks at her brownie, unconvinced. Eventually she says: ‘What’s the story with him and Jane?’
‘He enjoys stringing her along. It’s cruel.’
‘She thinks he’s serious about her.’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘Terrence isn’t serious about any girl.’
‘Well, Jane’s under the impression she’s the one to change all that.’
‘That’s stupid. Terrence is a player. Always has been. Everyone knows that.’
Mina’s quiet. The mood is suddenly low.
‘Look, why are we even talking about Terrence? I’m not even that close with him any more.’ I take her hands in mine and pull her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her. ‘Forget about everybody else for a moment. Jane, Paula – give them some credit. They can look after themselves.’
She looks up at me, defiant. ‘Paula’s my friend. She hurts, I hurt. And Jane’s got it in her to be strong if only she had the courage to see through Terrence. You don’t just leave people to go through things on their own.’
I can’t help but squeeze her tighter. ‘If only I had a heart as big as yours.’
‘You underestimate yourself. Although,’ she looks at me with a cheeky smile, ‘I could never collect fifty bucks off some innocent guy for the sake of a white kangaroo.’
Mina
Jane tracks me down just after lunch and pulls me aside in the corridor.
‘Are you and Michael seeing each other?’
Her words are like an allergic reaction and a heat instantly builds up my neck.
‘No,’ I say, as emphatically as I can manage.
She stares at me, studying me closely. ‘You’re always together at lunchtime.’
‘Not always. Anyway, we’re not alone. He just hangs out with us sometimes. With me, Paula, whoever’s in the library. You’ve been with us plenty of times. Do we act like a couple?’
‘Well, no. I mean, he’s obviously into you though. I see the way his face lights up when he looks at you.’
I try not to smile.
‘Why doesn’t Terrence hang out with you guys?’
‘Because Terrence is the last person we’d want to hang out with.’
‘Hmm.’
I approach cautiously. ‘Have you, you know, worked things out?’
‘I’m going nuts,’ she says flatly. ‘One minute he’s texting me, flirting with me, making me feel like I’m the centre of his world. The next minute I’m invisible. I just wish I knew where I stand. I wish I knew what would make him like me. Really like me. Like, enou
gh for us to be together.’
She looks stricken and pathetic and I want to whack her on the head and tell her to chuck him out of her life, but I know as well as she does that the heart and head are like parallel train tracks. I try the you deserve more, he’s not worth it pep talk; trawl through every cliché on self-love that I can bring myself to utter. But she’s fallen hard and I can see my words are like floating bubbles around her, pop, pop, popping before she’s even had time to register them.
*
In Society and Culture the next day, Jane walks in with Terrence. They’re holding hands. I steal a glance at Michael. He looks just as surprised as me and shrugs. Paula takes one look at the couple and shakes her head in disappointment. But Jane, deliberately avoiding our gaze, is unable to wipe the contented smile off her face.
Mr Morello walks in and promptly reminds Jane and Terrence of the hands-off policy. Jane giggles and sits next to Leica. Terrence saunters over to his usual spot in the back, next to Michael and Fred.
Paula slips me a note.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Poor Jane.
I slip her a note back.
Glad to see you’re quoting OW again. I was beginning to worry.
She chuckles.
Mr Morello announces that he has our mid-term essays ready to hand back. We’re all nervous and jittery as we wait to find out our mark.
I get eighteen out of twenty and want to dance on the table. I look back at Michael. He grins at me. A good sign. We worked hard together researching the essay. Zoe is grinning too as she looks at her mark. Instantly, I see her search me out.
Mr Morello tells Terrence he wants to see him after class. Terrence asks for his essay and Mr Morello tells him he’ll discuss it with him privately. Terrence plays it cocky, but even I can tell he’s worried.
*
News travels fast. Mr Morello has Terrence suspended for three days for cheating. He’s handed in an essay that a student from several years ago submitted. I can’t believe his stupidity.
Me:
Sorry I couldn’t talk before, Mum was around. Can you talk now?