“We don’t have long now,” the nurse says.
Julia relaxes into the bed when the contraction is over and blinks her green eyes at me.
“Can I get you anything?” I ask her.
She shakes her head. “Just be sure they don’t lay him on me when he comes out, okay? I don’t want to see him.”
I brush her sweaty hair back from her face. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” she says quietly. “It’ll be too hard.”
“We can still do this,” I say to her. “We can do it together.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not what I want, Tag. I want him to have the best of everything and I can’t give him that.”
Neither can I, I think. If not for my sister’s money, I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him at all.
Julia came to me when she found out she was pregnant. I was over-the-moon excited, but she wasn’t. Not at all.
“They can give him everything, Tag,” she’d said. “We can’t give him anything.”
“We can do this,” I’d told her. I put my hands together like I was praying. “Please. Just say you’ll try.”
“The adoptive family said they’d give me enough money to go to college,” she rushed to explain. “I can get out of here.”
I looked around her dad’s tiny little cottage. As the pastor of the church, he was allowed a small house. That was how we’d met. Her dad was counseling me on responsibility.
Julia sniffed. “I want him to have so much more than this. The adoptive family…they want him so bad.”
I was away on a mission trip when Julia first found out she was pregnant. She’d sent word to Mexico, but it had taken a few weeks for me to gather enough airfare money to get home. My mission trip wasn’t supposed to be over for quite some time, but I’d come home straightaway after hearing the news.
I never should have left in the first place.
“I want him,” I said. I pounded my fist into my chest. “You can’t give him away without my permission.”
“I could have just had an abortion and you never would have known,” she said quietly.
“But you didn’t. And now I do know. And now I want him. You can’t give him up for adoption when he has a father who wants him.”
She started to cry. “But I have dreams. And they’re going to pay for me to go to school. They like me. And they said we can visit him, that we can check up on him.” She was pleading with me.
“How much money?”
“You’re broke, Tag. Does it matter? Anything they can give him is better than what we can. Can’t you see that?”
She was wrong. I could love him. “I want him,” I repeated.
“And I want to go to school. I want to be better than…this.” She motioned to the room around her. My baby was no bigger than an apple at that point. And she wanted to give him away.
“What if I gave you the same amount of money?” I asked.
She scoffed. “Where would you get that much money?”
My sisters. Jenny and Jessica. They’re loaded. “I’ll get it.”
“Why do you have to make this so difficult?” She heaved a sigh. “Just let him have a good life.”
“I will.” With me.
Her eyes got big and wide. “You’ll sign the papers?”
“No. I’ll get you the money.”
Her face fell. I hated disappointing her, but I wasn’t going to let him go.
“This doesn’t feel right,” she said.
I crossed the room to stand in front of her and tipped her face up to mine. “None of this feels right. We should be a family.”
She stepped back, creating a wide chasm between us. “You left.”
“You told me to go!”
“You said you needed it.”
“It was for the church,” I rushed to say.
“Sometimes I think you love your religion more than you love me.”
“I can change,” I tried.
She shook her head. “It’s too late.”
Julia jerks me out of my reverie when she screams and bears down on my fingers. Her belly ripples and moves and the nurse tells me I can look down. I haven’t seen any parts of Julia in months, so I don’t feel quite right about looking at her vagina, but the draw is too strong. Her legs are parted and I watch him as he slides into the world. The nurse catches him and they lift him to lay him on her belly.
“No,” Julia says. She closes her eyes and looks away. A tear runs down her cheek.
“Julia, please,” I say. If she sees him just once, she’ll change her mind. I’m sure of it.
“Take him away.”
He’s crying now, and the sound is music to my ears. I walk over to the bassinette where they’re cleaning him and look down into his perfect little face. He has my coloring and my hair. “You want to hold him, Dad?” the nurse asks. She looks askance at Julia. But Julia is still staring in the other direction.
“Yes, please,” I say. I take him from her and pull him into my chest. “Hello, Benji.” He’s only minutes old and I’m already in love with him. I can’t imagine how Julia could give this up. “Are you sure, Julia?” I ask her.
“I’m sure,” she says definitely. She’s still refusing to look.
They move us to a different room, one away from Julia. Apparently, it’s what they do in adoption situations and that’s how they’re treating this.
I spend the night with my son in his own room, and I have no idea where Julia is. A nurse comes into the room and says, “The baby’s mother would like to see you. She’s about to be discharged.” I look toward Benji’s crib. “I’ll watch him. Go ahead,” she says gently. She pats my shoulder.
She gives me Julia’s room number and I go there. She’s dressed in some baggy pants and a loose-fitting top and she has a bag over her shoulder. “Are you leaving?” I ask.
She nods, and a tear slides down her cheek.
“Julia…” I want to hold her, but I don’t know if I have the right.
“Don’t make it any harder,” she says quietly. “Do you have the money?”
I reach into my pocket and take out the cashier’s check for forty thousand dollars. I used the rest of the original fifty thousand to buy some baby stuff, and I paid an attorney to take care of the legal stuff so Julia could sign over her rights and I could get custody.
And to finalize the divorce.
“Thank you,” she says as she takes the check.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“It would have been easier if he’d gone to a different family,” she says. “This way, I’ll always know he’s with you and that he’s not with me, and he’ll know it too.”
“I’ll make sure he knows you love him.” My heart is breaking.
She nods. “I did this because I do love him. I can’t give him anything he needs. And I’m not one hundred percent sure you can either.” She looks at me. “Are you going back to your sisters?”
“I doubt they’d have me at this point. I kind of closed that door.”
She nods. “Take care of him, okay?” Her voice cracks and I can’t stand it anymore. I go to her and pull her into my arms. She falls into me and lets me hold her for a minute, until her sobs quiet.
“When you’re ready to see him, call me?”
“I won’t.”
“You don’t know how you’ll feel a few years from now.”
She nods. “Be good, Tag.”
Then I see her new boyfriend standing outside the door. She’s leaving with him. She’s leaving me with a brand new baby, and she’s going to go to college like none of this ever happened. She’s going on with her life, and I get to keep the beauty we created together.
I go back to Benji’s room and the nurse passes him to me like’s a tightly wrapped football.
My phone rings in my pocket and I shift Benji over so I can pull it out. My heart beats faster thinking it might be Julia. Maybe she changed her mind. “Hello?”
“Tag?” a male voi
ce says.
“Yes?”
“This is Josh, and I’m going to marry your sister Star in a few days. We’d love it if you could be here.”
“Y-yes,” I blurt out quickly. I clear my throat. “Yes,” I say again. Then my heart falls. “Wait. I don’t have any money to get there.”
He laughs. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of it.”
“I’ll need a bus ticket.”
“When can you leave?”
“Today?”
“I’ll take care of the tickets. Give me your full name…”
I give him all the information. “I’ll be traveling with my son,” I tell him, wincing inwardly.
A pause. “Your son?”
“Yes. Is that okay?”
“Hell yeah it’s okay,” he says on a laugh. “Star will be so happy to see you.”
“Is she mad at me?” I ask him. I did just leave with fifty thousand dollars of Wren’s money.
“Not that I know of. But she has a vagina, so that might change in about ten minutes,” he says with a chuckle.
Something tells me my sister would slap him if she heard him say that. And something else tells me he wouldn’t care.
“We’ll see you when you get here, man,” Josh says.
“Okay,” I reply, finally releasing the heavy breath I’ve been holding.
I shove my phone back into my pocket. It only has a couple of days of service left on it, so I’m glad he caught me now.
I look down at Benji. “We’re going to New York, little dude.”
We’re going to New York to face my family, to face the past, and to run from the future.
Finch
It has been two months since he snuck out like a thief in the night. Two months since he fucked me and then fucked me over. And he had the nerve to show up with a child. I do not like babies, not even babies that are related to two of my favorite people. And particularly not a baby that belongs to him.
Star shoves it into my arms and I hold it out in front of my chest with my arms extended, trying to keep it as far from me as possible while still supporting its head. It squirms, its little feet flailing as it scrunches its face up.
Star lays her head on my shoulder and gazes at it like it’s the best thing she has ever seen. She looks at our sister Peck’s baby the same way. Star lays a hand on her own pregnant belly and I throw up a little in my mouth. I try to hand it back to its father, but he’s talking with Star’s new husband Josh and doesn’t even notice my struggle with his demon spawn.
“It’s going to throw up on me, isn’t it?” I ask. I look everywhere but at it. It lets out a wail and its father finally looks over.
Benjamin “Tag” Taggert Jr. has the same scowl on his face as his offspring. He takes the baby from me and pulls it into his chest. “Did the mean little woman refuse to hold you?” he says, baby-talking at it. His eyes meet mine and I look away. He nestles the baby in the crook of his arm and sticks a bottle into its mouth. The kid shuts up immediately. Thank God.
“I didn’t refuse,” I mumble. I turn and whisper to Star, “Did he just call me little?” She rolls her eyes. I have to fight this with humor. If I don’t, I’ll let my emotions take over and I’ll slap his face or kick him in the nuts or do something equally as stupid.
He laughs. “He won’t bite you. He doesn’t even have teeth yet.”
“She doesn’t like babies,” Wren tosses out. She laughs and her brother rolls his eyes.
“How could you not like babies?” he asks. “They’re a gift from God.”
I snort. I can’t help it. Star gives me a look and I murmur, “Sorry.”
I know her brother wants everyone to think he’s religious. That he believes in God and blessings and prayer and divine intervention and all that bullshit. But he fucked me senseless and did crazy things to my pussy for quite some time, so I know him for the fraud he is.
Star got married today. Tag showed up out of nowhere with a baby in a carrier, and was here to watch Star get married. Star permitted it. I’m not sure I would have been so generous, considering how he took off two months ago with fifty thousand dollars of Wren’s money.
“So, where are you guys staying?” Star asks him.
He glances nervously around. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Well, you won’t have any trouble finding a hotel, since Wren gave you all that money,” I toss out.
He flinches. “Of course,” he mumbles.
Alarm bells go off in my head. “Dude, you spent fifty thousand dollars?”
Star heaves a sigh. “Not now, Finny,” she says.
“I’ll explain everything to you,” he rushes to say, speaking directly to Wren and Star. “I promise.”
Star smiles at him. “Later.”
He nods and looks relieved. “Of course.” His eyes meet mine again and I look away, breaking contact.
Star threads her fingers through Josh’s and says, “Your baby wants a piece of cake.” She bats her lashes at him. She’s barely six weeks pregnant, but she’s already milking the baby thing.
Josh laughs. “I can take a hint. Anybody else?” He looks around the group. We’re all sitting at a table at Star and Josh’s reception, taking up space while people mill around us. Star and Josh got tossed in the fountain a few minutes ago, so they had to go and change clothes really quickly. Star came back looking more disheveled than when she left, and Josh had a shit-eating grin on his face.
Somebody got lucky, and it wasn’t me.
“I’ll take a piece,” Wren says. Lark raises her hand, too. She’s wearing elbow-length gloves as usual. Pink, to match her dress.
“Me too,” I say.
Josh wheels away and Star watches him with longing in her eyes. I pat her on the shoulder. “He’ll be right back. I promise.” I wrap my hands around my mouth. “With cake!” I whisper-yell.
She laughs.
“You’re happy?” Tag suddenly asks her. “Really happy?”
Star nods. “Beyond happy.” She has a wistful smile on her face.
“Good.”
Star props her elbow on the table and sets her chin in her palm. She nods toward the baby. “Was he what you needed the money for?”
Tag nods. “He was.”
“Do you need any more?” she asks.
I choke on my own spit. “Sorry,” I gasp out as Wren pounds me on the back.
“No, I took care of everything I needed to take care of. Thank you. I’d offer to pay you back, but I don’t have a job yet.” His cheeks grow rosy. Is he embarrassed?
Wren shrugs. “It’s not like we’ll miss it.”
He laughs. “Still, I don’t want to be a burden.”
Then he should seriously think about going home. He’s breathing my air. That’s a burden all by itself.
“Where’s its mother?” I demand.
“I’m…not sure.” He looks down at his son. “I wish I knew.” He heaves a sigh.
“You’ll come home with us tonight,” Wren suddenly says. “Star’s room is still empty. And so is Peck’s. We have plenty of space.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t take advantage.” But hope blooms in his eyes. I can see it. I wonder if he knows that. I wonder if he cares.
He can’t take advantage? Like running off with fifty thousand dollars while his dick was still wet from being inside me wasn’t enough?
“Hello?” I cry. “Perhaps you should ask the other people who live there?” I point to myself. My heart is rattling in my chest like a ping-pong ball in a glass. Lark, Wren, and I share an apartment. I don’t think we need more roommates.
Particularly not one who fucked my brains out. Particularly not one who reached deeper inside me than anyone ever has. Particularly not one who scares me.
“He’s our brother,” Star scolds. “It’s not up for discussion.”
“Then you should take him home with you.”
Star rolls her eyes. “I’m on my honeymoon.” She leans close to me and whispers in my ear. “A
nd I’m pretty sure Josh got some sex furniture for me for the honeymoon, and I want to try it out.”
“Ewww.” I groan. “TMI, Star.”
She laughs and looks at Tag. “She’ll be nice. I promise.” She gives me an evil glare. “Won’t you, Finny?”
Fuck no, I won’t be nice. “No promises.” I jerk my thumb toward the baby. “Is he bringing that with him?”
Tag laughs. “I don’t go anywhere without him.” His gaze locks with mine.
The table goes quiet, because there’s force and conviction behind his words.
A man comes up and stops by my shoulder. “Care to dance?” he asks.
I don’t know him, but he’s handsome and he’s got enough balls to ask. I might even fuck him. I’ve experienced a bit of a dry spell since that night with Tag. It’s like my vagina is broken. I look at this guy’s face.
Wait. Did I already fuck him? They all blur together after a while. Who knows? “Love to,” I say. I get up and follow him onto the dance floor. My night is suddenly looking like it might take a turn for the better.
He pulls me way too close way too quickly. I stiffen and he doesn’t take the hint.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” he asks, his warm breath moving over my ear.
Now I remember him. I might forget their names and their faces, but I never forget the way they smell. This one smells like body spray and onions.
“I ate you out for about an hour that night,” he says. He grins like it’s a good thing. Only it wasn’t. It lasted for an hour because he was so fucking bad at it.
I grit my teeth. “I remember.”
“You didn’t return my calls.”
I’d told him I didn’t want his number and I didn’t give him mine. He must have gotten it from someone else.
“I had hoped to hear from you,” he goes on to say. He jostles me in his arms like he’s hoping to provoke a response.
“I’m not looking for a relationship,” I say gently. Then I steel my shoulders and look into his eyes. “And you’re not really my type.”
He flinches. “I was your type when I was fucking you.”
I shake my head. “Not really. You were just there.”
He stops swaying to the rhythm of the band. “I was an easy fuck?” His voice pitches on the end of his comment, and people turn to look at us.