When Tears Flow
Like Rain
Patricia A. Hawkenson
Echolalia
I am filling with sound.
The wind is tossing my hair
as I tuck it into my hoodie
storming with emotion.
A brook is gurgling in me
taunting as its bubbles break
spilling over the rocks.
My breath, slow and labored
whistling out this chilly spring day
interrupting painful thoughts.
My teeth, chattering now
with the cold shoulder of anger
each step more unforgiving.
So speak to me
in whispering tones.
I have no place for more.
I’m about to overflow.
Her sadness wasn’t new. She counted the days by the empty tissue boxes accumulating in the trash. Four. But it was late, and she had to find a way to get some healing sleep. She’d run out of allotted sick days, and if she didn’t show up for work the next morning, she might be out of a job.
Her cell rang again. Its annoying ringtone repeated Nate’s attempts to talk to her, but Katelyn already knew what he wanted to say, “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” There was no point in picking up. She reached down forcing it to play its satisfying shut off music. She clicked ‘File’ then ‘Save,’ shut her laptop, and grabbed another tissue to dab the corners of her eyes. It only hurt because she still loved him, and sleep was elusive because she missed his body lying next to her at night.
She woke up stiff and still under her cloud of depression. Toast and peanut butter didn’t mix well with orange juice, so she left most of her breakfast on the counter as she headed for work, stuffing a frozen entrée for lunch into her bag.
The door to Camden’s Travel Agency swung open as she went in. She smiled and nodded without talking to Roberta, the main receptionist, but went directly to her cubicle, dropped her bag, and she settled in to work.
“That bad, huh?”
Katelyn turned to face Rebecca who was leaning over the cubicle’s half wall. “Yeah, that bad.”
“Well, I’m here, if you need me, and if you want my help tossing that scumbag to the street, I’ll start with his collection of baseball caps.”
She smiled weakly. “Thanks. But first, I think I need time to find some normalcy in work. I should dig through this backlog of emails and snail mail. Then I might be clear headed enough to fill you in on all the gory details.”
“Ok. Don’t forget you have clients coming in at 9:00. The Murphys will be in to talk about the new travel package to Chicago. I left the brochure and a printout of the itinerary with the new price changes on the top of your stack.”
“Thanks.” Katelyn took a deep sigh and immersed herself in her work.
Hours later, the Murphys and three other walk-in clients had come and gone. Katelyn took no breaks and ate her nuked chicken and rice at her desk. Her emails were answered or deleted, and the work day found its way to the end. Walking past the reception desk, she still didn’t feel like talking to Rebecca, but Rebecca already knew enough to give her more time. She handed Katelyn a caramel.
“See, you got through one day. The next one will be easier.”
Katelyn smiled. “That’s what I keep telling myself. See you tomorrow.” She popped the caramel in her mouth and allowed the sweet flavor to melt on her tongue.
The sky was as dark as her mood as she drove home. The air was heavy and she could tell a storm was brewing. Fine. Let it rain. Her car could use a wash, and she was in no mood to do it herself.
Nate’s car was already in the driveway when she pulled in. He was sitting on the wicker sofa on the porch, and he stood up as she got out of the car. She took a deep breath and went up the steps.
He reached to hug her, but she shrugged him off.
“I’ll say I’m sorry a thousand times, if it will make a difference.”
“I’ve heard you say that more than enough already. Somehow, I have to believe it.” She pulled her purse from her side to add a layer between them. For a moment neither of them spoke. His head bent and she stole a moment to look at him. His hair was ruffled like he hadn’t showered. He looked like hell. “Good,” she thought.
“Listen,” he said, “I know I screwed up.”
“You got that right.”
“You can be mad at me forever, or we can try to put it behind us.”
“Put it behind us? Do you think this is just a bad ‘B’ movie that I can return to the rental store?”
“No. You’ve got a memory as clear as my mom’s.”
“Wow. Is that supposed to be a compliment?” Annoyed, Katelyn tried three times to push past Nate to get into the front door, but he kept stepping in front of her.
She turned around and went down the steps. If he was going to block the front door, she would just go around to the back. Nate followed her.
“Look, my mother was smart enough to tell me to stop moping on her couch and come over and talk to you in person. And she was right. Playing phone tag was getting us nowhere.”
“All right,” Katelyn said turning around to face him. “Say it. Get it all out. I’m listening.”
Nate wasn’t so sure. “You look too mad to listen.”
They both ignored the light drizzle that started to make tiny polka-dots on their clothes.
She took a deep breath to calm down. She tried to drop the tension from her shoulders. “Better?”
“Thank you.” He took her hands into his and brought them to his lips. “I’m dying inside knowing how I’ve hurt you. And if you would stop being mad at me long enough to look at me, you’d see that.”
“I do see that, but it doesn’t help me hurt any less.”
“No. I’m not trying to pretend it does, but when we got married, I gave my heart and soul to you. When you’re in pain, I’m in pain. Our hearts are echoing each other. Katelyn, don’t let my mistake end us.”
“Then take back the malicious comments you made about my writing,” she said.
“Malicious?”
“See. That’s the problem between you and me. You probably don’t even know what malicious means!”
“Look. I know what malicious means. The problem with you is that you would think for even a moment that I would say anything to hurt you intentionally. That’s what hurts me!”
“No,” she said thoughtfully realizing that he did know what ‘malicious’ meant. “No. I know deep down that isn’t your nature.”
“I’m not malicious, I’ve just been impervious,” he added.
“Impervious? I think you mean impertinent!” Katelyn started laughing just as the rain changed from the drizzle to a sky splitting downpour. They ran to get under the nearest tree.
“Still feeling impervious?” She was still laughing. Soon, they were both drenched in rain, but somehow, it felt all right again. They stood under the tree for a long time waiting for the rain to let up, but it just kept coming down. Finally, Katelyn dug into her purse for the house key. “We’re going to have to make a run for it.”
“I’m right behind you, because whatever I’m trying to say, you have to know I love you,” he whispered.
He didn’t wait for her to reply. He took the key from her hand and they ran into their house. In the tiny bathroom, his cheek slid against the wetness of hers as he placed a towel around her shoulders. Then he took another and rubbed her hair dry. She answered him by taking the towel from around her neck and flipping it over his head to pull him into her ready kiss.
Later after he had fallen asleep, she slipped into the living room, opened her laptop, and typed:
Echoes in the Rain
The rain has started
with a quietness
so warm and calming
that the tree
throws its back
into the gentle wind
and feels the wetness
rushing down its bark.
It allows the
drips to slip
through its branches
between bud
and newly formed leaf
soaking down
through the dusty dirt
surrounding its trunk
and flow deep
deep down
to the thirsty straws
of its roots.
Throwing away
all safety advice
we stand with our hands
on the tree’s wet bark
and our heads tip back
allowing the drips to slip
through our fingers
between the rings
of our newly formed union
soaking down
through our clothes
surrounding our skin
and flow deep,
deep down
to the healing places
of our souls.
And if our sighs of contentment
and renewed strength
were not so loud,
you could have heard
the tree’s.