Spring came in with its usual wonder, green grasses breaking through the ground, flowers rising to open their faces to the sun, and fresh new life. The previously dry skeletal arms of cottonwoods and elms begin to unroll their new green leaves and drip sap from their winter wounds. The air was filled with sounds of bird songs blending with cricket serenades and bees buzzing along in their daily work. Ants emerged from their warm homes below the surface to gather the organic scraps of winter’s ravage.
What more appropriate time could a school choose to recognize its graduates and charge them with the task of facing a bright new future? It is a time of renewal, regeneration, and fulfillment of nature’s promise. Graduates who have fought through education’s winter are given energy to face a new tomorrow.
Our graduation was in May. Various finals preceded it. I’m not talking about final tests, but real, true finals; things that would never be again. Our final prom was a real tearjerker, before that was our final band concert, final vocal concert, final track meet, final basketball season, final football season, and our final high school year. The suddenness of their passing came upon us from nowhere all at once. As if the whole year, we had no idea it was almost over or that it would even matter when it was over.
They hand you that diploma and then the next day… no, the next moment…you are empty, waiting to be filled by something new. You find yourself unsure of what it is you’re expecting, but very sure of the fact that you can’t go back to where you were before you received that piece of paper and that handshake. It’s a milkshake of emotions… sorrow, apprehension, homesickness, hope, doubt, anxiousness, relief, fatigue… they all blend together so you can’t fully recognize any of them.
We were all anxious for the big day. If we had any clue how we would feel in the next few moments, I’m sure we would have slowed them down rather than trying to speed them up. Not to avoid it, but to savor it. At least, I’d like to believe we would have. Hindsight is always clearer than foresight.
Of course, for me, there was additional apprehension. I had no idea what would happen to my relationship with Henry. Would we stay together or go our separate ways? I guess really the answer was up to Henry. I knew how I felt and what I would choose to do, but I wasn’t so sure about Henry. We’d talked many times through the years, and of course we always said we would be together forever, but things change. People change and this was a time of endings and beginnings. Could it be the ending for us as a couple? I didn’t really know.
We had graduation ceremonies on the last Friday of the school year. The seniors would be done with school at that time and all other students had to attend until Thursday of the following week. On that same Friday night there was a graduation dance. Our Baccalaureate service was the Sunday prior.
Henry and I didn’t have time to see each other a lot that week. We both had relatives and friends visiting. I felt a lot of frustration at not being with him during one of the most important weeks of our lives, but I told myself I had to be satisfied with glimpses of him until Friday night.
My class had voted to ask Daddy to speak at the Baccalaureate service. I was kind of apprehensive about that. I guess I was feeling that old “my parents are going to embarrass me” feeling. I was really proud of him, though. His message was inspiring, but not too preachy and thankfully he didn’t tell too many daughter stories.
The rest of the week was filled with studying for final tests, graduation practices, a dress fitting for the dance (Momma made that one, too), and setting up the decorations for both the auditorium and the dance. Life was suddenly a whirlwind of activity. There didn’t seem to be much time to breathe let alone worry about what Henry was doing from one minute to the next. I didn’t see J.B. much that week either.
Finally, it was the night of the big event. Everyone was nervous, but it went really smooth. Jenny Hodge presented the valedictory address, while I was the salutatorian. Ryan Mitchell was our speaker. Ryan was a former graduate, who had gone on to open an architectural engineering firm in Dallas, Texas. For an engineer, his message was more inspiring than I had imagined. I don’t know why, but I figured an engineer would be a rather boring speaker.
When Superintendent Connors stood to hand out the diplomas, I was suddenly a nervous wreck. I was sure I would trip on my way across the stage and fall flat on my face. If the truth were told, most of us were probably having the same thought.
“Abigail Lynn McAllister,” I heard Mr. Connors call out. I started across the stage. I reached to shake his right hand with my right hand and accepted the diploma with my left hand, just like we practiced. I turned to face the audience and then carefully walked back to my seat. Inside there was a quick shout of “I did it!” and then the shock closed in on me. Like I said before, it was a sudden awakening for me. I found myself thinking, “What do I do next?” Fortunately, I didn’t have long to think about it. In my daze I heard Henry’s name and that helped me kind of come out of it a little.
At the conclusion of the ceremony, we dutifully did the handshake thing with all of our relatives, friends, teachers and supporters. Then there were refreshments and a reception in the cafeteria. It was just about all we could stand to endure. We were anxious to go and start our own celebration down at the dance. Of course, some people would start their celebration before they got to the dance, but I really didn’t want any part of that. Henry and I generally didn’t get involved in drinking parties. I know being a pastor’s kid, it is almost expected you rebel on those kinds of things, but I never really felt that way. I pretty much shared the same values as my parents.
Henry made his way over to where I was talking with Jenny Hodge.
“I’ll take you home to change and then I’ll be back to pick you up in about 30 minutes.”
“Okay,” I said. “Are you ready to leave now?”
None of us wanted to be the first to leave and look like heels for leaving our own reception. It really shouldn’t have been a big deal. There wasn’t an adult in that room who didn’t know what we were thinking about, anyway. In fact, most of them were probably surprised we were still there at all.
Henry looked around.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
We gathered our things, said goodbye to our parents, and took off. Henry walked me out to his Cougar. I can’t believe I’d finally gotten used to that car. It wasn’t bad. He had the convertible top down and the night was pleasant and warm. It seems even the Oklahoma wind had given us a break.
Henry dropped me off at my house, where I freshened up and changed into my party dress. Right on schedule, he was there to pick me up about thirty minutes later. When we got down to the community building, it looked like the whole high school had turned out for the dance. There was a group of boys standing around Andy Simpson’s car.
“Why don’t you go on in, Abby Lynn? I’ll be there in just a minute. I want to talk to the guys for a little while.”
He seemed a little restless for some reason, but I didn’t argue.
“Okay, but please don’t be long. This dance will be real boring if I’m not with you.”
Henry kissed me on the forehead and pulled my head to his chest. That was his way of reassuring me.
“I won’t be long. I just want to see what’s up.”
He left me at the door and started back towards the group of guys. I watched him for a second before turning and entering the building.
“I guess it’s a guy thing,” I murmured to myself.
Inside the community building, the dance had already started. There was a DJ and lights. It was really neat. Of course, we had plenty of adult supervision, but regardless sometimes things happened anyway. I guess this was one of those nights.
I saw J.B. right away and he noticed Henry wasn’t with me.
“Where is he?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“He’s outside with the guys.”
“Well, did you come to this party to dance or stand still? How about we warm up the d
ance floor a little ‘til ol’ Henry catches up?”
I smiled.
“Hey, I’m ready.”
“It ain’t often I get to start off the dance with the prettiest gal in the building.”
We danced together and talked. I enjoyed myself so much with J.B. I kind of lost track of time. J.B. was an excellent dancer. Henry had always been a little awkward at it. When I looked at my watch in the dim light, I realized it had been over an hour since I’d left Henry outside. His few minutes with the guys had extended a little longer than my patience level would endure. As I was beginning to stew, J.B. asked if I had seen Sally Thompson.
Dazed by his question, I stepped into the middle of the dance floor and stared at him. I hadn’t expected to hear that name again for quite a long time.
“She’s here?”
He nodded.
“How long has she been in town?”
“Just came in today. She said she came to wish the ‘old gang’ her best. Their graduation is next week, so she figured she could make it to this one. I thought maybe you had seen her when you came in. She was outside with Cindy when I got here.”
“So, why didn’t you say something earlier,” I asked. I was aggravated by my own feelings at the mere mention of her name, again.
Before he could answer Andy Simpson showed up. I could smell the alcohol on him even before he opened his mouth.
“Hey, Abby Lynn! You better go check on the husband. He is getting a little plastered out there. In fact, I don’t think I ever saw him drink more than a beer or two before tonight.”
Looking back on it, I should have known. That was the most Andy had said to me since the situation in the locker room, and it should have been enough to tip me off. Instinctively, I did exactly what he was hoping I would do; I ran out the door to see what was going on out there.
And that’s when I saw them. They were in the Cougar together. She was sitting exactly where I had been just an hour before. Of course, Henry blamed it on the alcohol. I don’t know. With their history it was too hard to tell. Regardless of the reason, the damage was the same. Seeing Henry holding Sally and slobbering all over her; realizing the lips which so often touched mine were being shared with her; feeling the jealous anger and disappointment growing in the pit of my stomach again; it was too much. I lost it.
He hadn’t seen me as I moved around behind him. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I’m not that violent, but it happened just the same. As they broke their kiss, I shoved him from behind. His head flew forward into hers, busting both of their lips. He turned around in a daze, not knowing what had hit him.
“Henry Newburn, you two timing creep! How could you do this? I don’t mean anything to you, do I? This was supposed to be one of the most important days in our lives and I find out I can’t trust the one person I was supposed to be able to trust the most.”
He stammered. He had been drinking, that was evident. His response was slow and slurred. Blood was dripping down his chin and I could see his lip was already beginning to swell.
“Abby Lynn, it ain’t what you think. We were just talking about old times. You know?”
By now we had drawn a pretty big crowd. It seemed like the entire dance floor had emptied out to watch the spectacle, students and sponsors, no doubt prompted by Andy Simpson, just as I had been.
“Oh, yeah. You have your tongue buried so deep in her mouth you were tickling her stomach and I’m supposed to buy that you’re just talking? I’m not blind, you idiot. If you two were making out any heavier, you’d be naked.”
Sally had nothing to say. She was still dazed from the blow to her lip. I knew it wouldn’t matter, she was too drunk to remember the event, but I started in on her anyway.
“And you…you little conniving witch, you’re a real pal. You want him? You can have him. Just remember, if he did this to me, there ain’t no telling what he’ll do to you? But then again, he’s always been in heat over you anyway.”
Oh, I wanted to say a whole lot more, but I was starting to lose control of my emotions and there was no way I was going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me bawling my eyes out like a girl. I took off walking home, while everyone stood outside and watched. I’m sure I was a sight. Here I was in this big frilly evening gown, marching up the dirt road to my house, with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Talk about a lousy way to celebrate your graduation. My mind was reeling. I wandered around the block to waste time, not sure if I was ready to face my parents. I was so mad, I couldn’t even let loose with a full cry. I suddenly found myself longing for a shoulder on which to pour out my emotions.
When I finally felt like I could head home, I saw him. He was waiting on the porch swing. J.B., my shiny star; the one person, outside of my momma, I could pour my heart out to, and still know he would accept me, flaws and all. And that is just what I did. I poured it all out, my heart and my tears.
“I thought you would be showing up here soon, so I ran on ahead. I didn’t figure you to be much in the mood for talking until you let go of a little of that steam.”
He was such a marvel. He was always there when I needed him most. He was solid as granite; more mature than anyone else his age. Just seeing him standing there caused me to lose all control. The few tears I had already shed were just a trickle through the crack, but the whole dam broke when I fell into his arms. He didn’t say a word. He held me and let me weep. Somehow he knew there was nothing he could do or say at that moment that could help me any better than holding me and allowing me to cry on his shoulder.
Every time I thought I might be able to control it, I’d see the whole thing played out in my mind and I’d lose it again. I couldn’t understand it. How can someone you love hurt you that way? Trust, love, commitment, those are treasures; they can’t be replaced. Sometimes they can be rebuilt, but they can never be the same pure, innocent feelings they once were.
I knew he cared for her at one time, but that was a long time ago. We were kids. We didn’t even know what love was back then. Or did we? I did, didn’t I? I had loved Henry since that day on the jailhouse roof. I’d never wavered, never given thought there could ever be another to take his place, even when I probably should have. Maybe his feelings for Sally were the same. Maybe she was the one that could never be replaced in his heart. Maybe I was what he settled for when he thought she would never be his.
Oh, I ached so deep. It drained my body of all of its energy. I felt weak and empty; like a pitcher, its contents poured out upon the ground. J.B. must have sensed it. He led me to the swing. We sat in silence with his arm around my shoulder, his head pressed against mine.
Finally, when I was able to speak, I broke the silence.
“So, you were there? You saw me make a fool out of myself in front of everyone?”
He put his hand under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his.
“I was there, but the fool was my brother. No one blamed you for saying or doing the things you did. Most of them thought he had it coming, and you went too easy on him. Don’t you go beatin’ yourself up for his mistakes. There ain’t a gal in town that wouldn’t have let him have it, if they were in your shoes.”
“Then why did he do it J.B.?” I felt the tears again. They were just below the surface, waiting for an opportunity. “I thought he loved me.”
“I think he does, Abby Lynn. But you know there’s always been this thing about Sally he couldn’t quite shake. Here he is at graduation; his whole life starting over; maybe he decided to let loose on the strings. I don’t know. She was his first love, and maybe he was worried he’d be passing something up without knowing what it could be like. I can’t answer for him.”
He paused.
“I know it’s no excuse, but he was drunk, Abby.”
“You’re right, it’s no excuse. Why did he have to pick tonight to hit the bottle? He never drinks, or at least not enough that he wouldn’t know what he was doing.”
The words had barely escaped
my lips when I realized how silly they sounded.
“Okay, I guess that was a stupid question. I know, he was celebrating, but it sure as heck doesn’t make it okay.”
J.B. didn’t reply.
“So, you think he’ll always feel that way? Will I always have to wonder if he really wants to be with her? How do I know?”
“I can’t say Abby, but I know he cares for you. He wanted to come up here, but I told him to stay put. He’d done enough damage for one night.”
“That sounds like you, J.B., always the peace maker.”
He pulled me closer. His body was warm against my own. Leaning against him, worn out from the stress of the night, made me realize how tired I felt. I laid my head against his shoulder, and closed my eyes. The silence of the night; his warmth against my cheek; allowing me to muddle in my emotions, provided a calming effect, and in his arms I began to relax with the gentle rock of the swing.
I don’t know how long we sat there. I’m not sure I wouldn’t have slept the night away. It was such a warm, peaceful night. It almost made what happened earlier seem like a dream.
It was the flicker of the porch light that roused me. Momma’s way of telling me it was late enough, without actually vocalizing the words.
“Thanks for coming here tonight. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I know it made it a little easier having you here tonight.”
He brushed the hair out of my eyes and kissed me on the forehead, just like Henry always did.
“You don’t need to thank me, Abby Lynn. I’ll always be there if you need to talk. You better go in and get some sleep, before your momma comes out with the broom to shoo me off.”
I smiled.
“You know she’d never do that. Besides, she probably doesn’t even know it’s you out here. I’m sure she thinks it’s Henry.”
I’d done it again. The words had barely crossed my lips before I felt the ache begin. I didn’t break down that time, but I felt stupid for letting him have that much control over me.
“Goodnight, J.B. and thanks anyway. I know you didn’t have to come, no matter what you say.”
“Now, that there is where you are wrong. I had to come by to check on you. Goodnight.”
I went inside. Drawing back the curtains, I watched him leave. After I was sure he had made it down the steps, and was off on his way, I turned out the porch light, and went up to my room to cry a little more.