Cool evening breezes and crisp mornings are among my favorite things. As I said so often before, I love the fall. I like spring and I guess in some ways spring and fall are very similar here in the Oklahoma panhandle. They are both sort of the un-seasons, not quite hot enough to be summer and not quite cool enough to be winter. They both bring with them gentle showers and magnificent thunderstorms. And they both bring change, or at least herald a coming change, and neither of them last long enough.
I suppose, when you get down to it, with spring being the beginning of the growth cycle, and fall calling for the end of the growth cycle, spring truly would be the time of new beginnings. However, I always equated a new beginning with the new school year. That was when things really started over for me. And even though many years had passed since I had started a new school year that part of me never seemed to change.
Since fall had become so special to me, J.B. and I had planned our wedding for late September. It wasn’t going to be a big affair, I’d already done that, and it hadn’t paid off. It was a small church wedding, with mostly a few family members and a couple of close friends. In Forgan that can easily turn into something a lot bigger than expected. Since almost everyone there is related in one way or another and you know practically everyone your whole life, it’s hard to narrow something like that down and not feel like you are leaving someone out. We stuck to our guns though, and apologized to those who asked about it.
We had Ashley throw out a few petals as our flower girl, but that was about the extent of it. Ashley looked so cute in the little dress Momma made for her. It reminded me of the prom dress she had made for me. And that memory caused me to question once again why I didn’t realize it was J.B. that I really needed and not Henry. I suppose sometimes we get our minds set on something, and can’t see anything else in its shadow.
Although, our wedding was not an extravaganza, our first night together was so special it will be engraved in my heart forever. I had only been with one man, and that was the one I married, Henry. I was raised that way, and I intended to raise my daughter in the same manner. Love is special, and your first night together is your first real gift of yourself. J.B. felt the same and though, I’m sure, opportunity had presented itself from time to time, he had his own standards, and there wasn’t anyone who could make him abandon his principles unless he chose to let them.
Some people don’t understand this and there are some that may say its old fashioned. Well, I say, it isn’t hard to tell yourself that you deserve to be treated as someone special by the one you love, the one with whom you choose to spend your life.
We spent our first night together out there on the ranch. We didn’t have a honeymoon, we couldn’t afford it, but it was special just the same. J.B. had done a little planning on his own. He was kind of secretive about those kinds of things. He liked to surprise me. When we got out to the ranch there was a buggy hitched to one of the horses.
“What do you have up your sleeve, J.B.?” I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I went along knowing whatever it was, he’d worked it out a long time ago.
“Set your pretty little self in that buggy seat and enjoy the afternoon.”
He had that ornery grin of his turned up to full power, and I couldn’t help but be curious about it.
We rode across the pasture and down toward the river. As we traveled I notice he had gathered what was left of some wild flowers, and set them out along the way in pots. They were scattered here and there along the trail. As we neared the river, I recognized the giant cottonwood we had sat under to picnic just after I had moved back from Dallas. There under the tree, the ground had been leveled and planted with a thick lush patch of green grass. Around it wild flowers and roses bloomed. Even this late in the year, it looked like a picture out of one of those fancy garden magazines. There was little doubt he had put in a lot of work to make a special place out there on the prairie. As I stood taking it all in, he spread out a blanket upon the grass under the cottonwood. The leaves of the cottonwood had begun their turn from green to gold, and it stood like a golden tower up into the sky.
From the back of the buggy he brought a picnic basket and a bottle of champagne.
“I remember that afternoon we first came here, and how the blue in your eyes reminded me of a beautiful spring sky. I remember the pink of your cheeks, and your crimson lips, and how the soft curls of your blonde hair fell against your shoulders. I remember the fire that burned inside of me at the simple touch of your hand against my skin. I’ve held that image in my mind the whole time, and I swore that if you’d have me, this place here would be the first place I would share my love with you.”
We shared more than a meal under that tree. In one afternoon, we made up for a lifetime; a lifetime of twists and turns, of obstacles and detours, of sadness and joy. We made love together like we were the only man and woman on earth and, as far as we were concerned, we were. With our bodies entwined together, we watched the sun glide gently down towards the horizon, melting away into a blazing sea at the edge of the earth and slowly sizzling into the black of night. Our bodies warmed each other as the warmth of a fall day gave way to the chill of the harvest moon. By the light of a glowing fire, our pledge of love continued until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. We started our life together with a night to remember, and we made memories that would last for a long time afterward.
The next night was just as special. We stayed in that room in the Commercial hotel; the one I had always dreamed about as a little girl. He made me feel like a princess with the loving way he treated me, the special things he did for me, and the tender way he spoke to me. My dream was complete. My prince had arrived in the shape of an American cowboy, a gentleman, and a tender lover.
A few days later, Ashley and I moved out to the ranch with J.B. There was a little house there that had once been the headquarters for the ranch. It was small and nothing extravagant like the home Henry and I had in Dallas, but it was nice. Once I was there a little while it really seemed quite cozy. It took some time to get used to living in the country. I always thought that Forgan was quiet, but compared to being out on the ranch; it was a real noisy place. Out there the only sounds you heard were those of nature. The coyotes howling at night probably took the most getting use to for both Ashley and me. In town, you could hear them, but not like they were in your front yard.
I grew into country life real quickly, though. It wasn’t long before I was out there helping J.B. with the cattle and fencing. We got a few laying hens to help out with the groceries. The following spring we planted a vegetable garden. We didn’t have a lot of money on a cowboy’s pay, and we looked for ways to make things last a little longer. Most of the time it was ‘hand to mouth’ type living, but we made due. I’d had the plush life, and there is something to be said about being happy and content.
You’d think a rough ol’ cowboy like J.B. wouldn’t know the least thing about making a gal happy, but he was a romantic at heart. Under their exteriors, I think most cowboys are romantics. They value life in its most true and simplified form. They marvel at the beauty and grace of a well-bred horse. They get excited about the birth of a calf or a foal. They thank the Lord for a good rain, and can sit on the porch and enjoy watching it come down. They ride early to watch the sun climb up over the horizon, and they stay in the saddle late to watch it lay itself down again. Cowboys look at the skies and watch the clouds roll by trying to interpret their meaning. When a coyote calls out in its solemn and lonely voice, they understand its message and relate to its feelings. Cowboys take regular things, things we take for granted, and make them out to be as special as the first day the Good Lord made.
I found life with J.B. to be full of romance. There were nights we would sit outside holding hands, looking out at the rich dark sky with billions of twinkling images floating above us. There were days when we laid in the shade of that big cottonwood holding each other, watching the bright white puffs of cottony clouds move across a baby-
blue sky. There were mornings of coffee and sunrises, and evenings of iced tea and sunsets. There were afternoon naps together, most of them interrupted by pure sweet loving.
We shared with each other our dreams and our passions. We worked and sweated together. And once in a while when Ashley was at grandma’s house we cleaned up together. There is something to be said for those big old cast iron tubs. They can be extremely accommodating.
We raised Ashley out on that ranch, on a ranch hand’s pay. Though I was careful to make sure she was raised as a lady and not a cowhand, she learned independence and responsibility. She could be tough as a horseshoe nail, but she had a sweet and gentle nature as well. J.B. taught her to ride and to barrel race. He taught her to take care of her horse on her own. She shoveled many a stall, but when she was cleaned up or in town, she was prim and proper.
Ashley was a good student, too. I was never as proud of her as I was the day she received her diploma. She graduated highest in her class and she was offered scholarships to several schools. She chose to go to Oklahoma State. Her love for animals had given her a desire to be a veterinarian.
It was hard sending her away to school. I guess I understood what it must have been like for Momma and Daddy. That day made me think of Michael, and it made me wonder what he would have chosen to become, had the opportunity existed. I think he would have been a handsome man. It also made me wonder what it would have been like if J.B. and I could have had a child together. It saddened me that we were not able to, but if it bothered him, he never showed it. He treated Ashley as his own, and since Henry never bothered to come around to see her, he was daddy to her. They had a close and special relationship, one I believe spoke highly of him.
The night after Ashley left for college seemed especially quiet out on the ranch. I found J.B. out on the porch, tea glass in hand, staring up at the stars. The cottonwood leaves rattled softly in the gentle breeze.
I stepped behind him and placed my hands upon his shoulders.
“What are you thinking about J.B.?”
I could tell his mind was at work.
He sighed a little.
“I miss her already, Abby. I don’t know if I can handle this being apart from her. It seems just the other day I was giving her that first riding lesson and here she is grown up and gone away. It kind of chokes me up to think about it.”
I bent over and kissed his forehead.
“You are a tough old cowboy, now aren’t you?”
He kind of forced a smile.
“She may not be mine by birth, Abby, but she’s still my little girl. I know I got to let her go, but I sure don’t want to. You know, I spent many a night out here on this ranch all by myself. It was only on a rare occasion I got to feeling lonely. I relished in it most of the time. I’d throw out my bag on a clear night, and sleep out under the stars. I’d lie there for hours marveling at God’s creation, and thanking Him for the opportunity to enjoy it. I’d think of you down there in Dallas, but I had faith, if it was meant to be, you’d come back here to me. So, I tried not to let myself get worked up over nothing.”
I moved over beside him, and held his hand as he spoke.
“Then you and Ashley came into my life, and I couldn’t imagine ever being content without you. I love you both more than I ever loved life itself. You are my purpose in living, without you the Lord might as well take the breath from my lungs and lay me low into the ground.”
I kissed him again and we sat silent in the dark, listening to the sounds of the night. I knew he wasn’t done, and I didn’t want to shut him off by speaking. There are times, when you really know someone, when you have loved them and held them, when you’ve shared a bed and a life with them; you sense the right thing to do for them. This was one of those times.
“I wish I could have given her more, Abby. I wish I could have afforded to buy her the best clothes and send her to the best school. She deserves more than a cowhand for a daddy. She deserves a better life than shoveling horse manure or wearing handmade clothes. Now she’s gone and grown up, and I can’t give her the life she deserved.”
There it was. The only time I ever saw J.B. Newburn even come close to losing his pride and wallow in self-pity. I knew it was the moment that had brought it out. The heartsickness at letting his little girl go, and realizing she had grown up too big to solve all of her problems by bouncing on his knee or reading her favorite book.
“J.B., Ashley loves you. You may feel there were other things in life you would like to have given her, but you gave her what counts the most. You gave her love. You gave her a daddy that was there any time she needed him, and one she knows she can come home to whenever she desires. You gave her your heart and soul, just like you did for me.”
“We couldn’t have found a better person to love us than the one we found. When someone else threw us away, you took us as your own. I love you J.B., and I wouldn’t trade a moment for all the money in the world. You remember I had those things you say Ashley deserves, but I found out they were only window dressing to cover up what really mattered. What I really wanted, what I really needed, I had all along, but I didn’t see it until I got far enough away from it.”
I squeezed his hand tight.
“Don’t you sell that girl short. She knows what matters, and she knows she can find it in her daddy. We raised her right, and she’ll prove it with the way she lives her life. Now, let’s just let her do it.”
He raised my hand up to his lips, and kissed it gently.
“I love you, Abby,” he whispered.
After that we went inside and turned out the lights. We held each other, and we missed our little girl together. We wept together and reminisced. We laughed at our stories and at ourselves. All the while telling ourselves we would try to do better when she got married.