Sometimes the best moments of our lives are really just small fragments of the overall picture and last but a short time. Perhaps it causes us to savor them more than we would if they were longer. Maybe, because of the contrast of struggles and trials, the happiest moments stand out and are more defined in our memories. Or, it may be life just has its ups and downs and we get what we get. I don’t know the reason of things, but I do believe in a purpose to all things good and bad.
We moved into our new home on the ranch and enjoyed our coffee with the sunrise, as well as our iced tea with the sunsets. In the mornings through the kitchen window in the east the sun would peak over the edge of the horizon, shaking the sleep out of its eyes to lift its head and dance across the river, leaving bright ripples in the water. Throughout the day, the giant cottonwoods would shade us from its intensity by allowing its rays to flicker through between the leaves. Later in the evening, we could watch from our front porch swing as the sun once again laid its head down along the horizon, to slip off into someone else’s world.
Ours was a world of nature pure and simple. While the bullfrogs along the river croaked their nightly tunes, the crickets kept time with their leggie chirps and the coyotes sang with their noses against the moon. Our mornings were heralded by the call of the bobwhite quail and the sound of the cicada singing high in the trees. As the day warmed up they were joined by the flutter of grasshopper wings against the southern breeze. In the corral there was beauty in the rippling muscles of a quarter horse as it did its best to ward off the flies that landed against its back. Out in the pasture the sound of a bull, with its deep throaty moan, made its claim as a force to be reckoned for all who might hear.
These were the sights and sounds we shared together and cherished each day. I remember thinking often that life could not get much better than this, but I had no idea how soon I would be shown the truth of my thoughts.
Ashley completed her schooling and moved back home to Momma’s big white two-story house. She set out her shingle by a little place along the edge of Beaver City. She considered putting her veterinary office in Forgan, but the sale barn where they brought livestock to auction was in Beaver City; she felt she would be of better service there. It was just a seven-mile drive, so she could live in Forgan and be available for folks in both communities. She had caught the eyes of many a cowboy that showed up at the sale barn. The owner had even teased her that his business had improved greatly since she had come to town. Finally, a fine young cowboy came along and lassoed her heart. They are expecting a baby in the fall.
She had turned into a beautiful young lady and rare was the time, in which I could look upon her image without swelling with pride. Her golden hair fell below her shoulders and she usually kept it drawn back in a ponytail while she worked. She’s a beautiful woman. She’s an excellent wife, and she’ll make a wonderful mother.
J.B., what can I say about my dearest. He was true to his pledge, ever supporting me and loving me; willing to allow me to work alongside him, yet able to treat me as a lady and a treasure. Each day with him has been a special gift, of which I will always be thankful. Whether I rode the pasture fences along beside him or I lie beneath the covers and warm myself against him, I found comfort, security and pleasure. Though his hands were calloused by years of work and toil, his touch to me was as gentle and soft as the petals of a rose.
I suppose if there were a blame to be found, it would be my own. I knew the circumstances and I knew the signs I should look for, but I became lax and careless. I won’t beat myself up over it or wallow in guilt; it cannot change what has been done and I don’t have time for that now. My journey is nearly at its end and I must tell my tale, before it is too late for it to be carried away.
It began with a weakness; a type of tiredness I could not shake. I tried. I found myself resting more often than ever, not from desire, but from necessity. It became gradually more noticeable and soon not only could I not deny it to myself, I could not deny it to them either.
“Abby, how long has it been since your last checkup?”
J.B. was concerned enough to allow it to show.
“You’ve been awfully tired lately. Maybe you ought to go up to town and see a doctor.”
“I guess it’s been well over a year. I can’t seem to shake this feeling of exhaustion.”
He had that determined look on his face.
“Why don’t you call them and see if they can get you in tomorrow. I’ll take off and go with you. ‘Sides, you don’t need to be driving if you’re that sleepy all of the time.”
But, I guess I knew already. I just didn’t want to know. We did go up the next day and they ran some tests on my blood. A day later they were sending me to Oklahoma City for more. J.B. went down with me.
The tests confirmed what I had already been thinking in my mind and what I am sure he feared in his. The cancer was back and with a vengeance. It had already spread through the limp nodes of my body. The only thing we could do was to treat it and pray.
They didn’t want me to go home, but I didn’t want Ashley to learn of it over the phone. Besides, I hadn’t come prepared for a long stay. So, I convinced J.B. to take me back home. I really wanted to spend another sunset with him and watch the sunrise outside my kitchen window, before I began my battle against death.
Ashley took it hard and as much as she wanted to go back with us, I fought against it.
“You have folks that are counting on you here to take care of their animals. You and Brad can come down later. Let us get settled and start the treatments, then you can come and see me to brighten my spirits when I’m down.”
The tears streaming down her face made me think of all of the times when she was growing up that I could just kiss her and make her better. Now here I was laying a hurt upon her that couldn’t be fixed with the simplicity of a kiss.
“Momma, I want to be there for you, like you’ve always been there for me.”
I remembered saying the same words to my own momma, right after my daddy’s death. Now I knew what she was feeling, when she wanted me to let her deal with her sorrow in her own way.
“I know you do, baby, but this is something I have to deal with on my own. I need your prayers and your love. If I have that, then I have enough, no matter what happens.”
Reluctantly, she consented to stay home and carry on with life.
When we got to Oklahoma City, the memories and experiences of life in a hospital came rushing back. I had hoped to never experience those again, but we don’t choose the cards dealt to us; we simply play the best hand we have.
I started the rounds of chemotherapy and relived the wretched effects they rendered. My body reacted against the invasion of chemicals designed to fight the growing monster inside of me. The sickness, weakness and distaste of food all too familiar even after so many years. I plunged down into a gorge of darkness, but when I became aware of J.B.’s presence beside me, the darkness was dispersed. He was the light at the end of my tunnel and I fought for that end each day.
There were times the blood in my body would thicken and begin to clot and they would have to thin it with more chemicals. At times, though my stomach ached for food, my senses wretched at the thought. I forced myself to eat, even though I knew it wouldn’t stay down.
Gradually, there were signs of hope. My blood count showed slight improvement and it seemed that some ground had been gained in the battle.
When Ashley and Brad came to visit, I could see worry and concern etched their faces. The eyes of my daughter which usually sparkled were dark and puffy. I knew she had done more than her share of crying. She stayed strong and put on a good show, though. She told me about work and stories from the sale barn that brought smiles to both of our faces. It seems wherever cowboys gather, stories of orneriness and mischief abound.
Before she left she handed me a package. I was too weak to open it, so she removed the paper for me.
“It’s grandma’s prayer book. I got it out and read th
rough it the other day. There is a place where she wrote about you. I think you would like it. In the back, I wrote down all the names of the people back home that are praying for you. It’s practically the whole town, Momma. They ask me about you every day; even the cowboys down at the sale barn.”
I couldn’t speak. The lump in my throat wouldn’t allow it. I hadn’t ever read Momma’s prayer book. The day we found it, I had skimmed a few pages at the front, but the moment was so overshadowed by those stock certificates, I simply forgot about it.
She could see her gift had touched off an explosion of emotion for me.
“Well, I guess I better be going. I’ll come back soon. And Momma, if you need me sooner, you let me know. I’ll be down as quick as I can. I’ll drop everything and rush right back.”
She bent over and kissed my cheek.
“I love you, Momma.”
I whispered, “I love you too, sweetheart. Thank you.”
After she left, I opened the tattered old notebook my momma had used each day of her life. Ashley had marked the spot she wanted me to read. I noticed it was written the day before my wedding to Henry.
“Lord, I love my Abby. I pray you watch over her and direct her path. Let her know your blessings and find in them the simple pleasures of life. Let her not be lured by insincere love, but lead her to a love of undying devotion. Give her strength and courage to overcome life’s challenges and let her pass that strength on to her offspring. Let her see you in each day and cherish those days as a treasure. When she looks back over her life’s journey, let her find satisfaction and fulfillment.”
It seemed to me Momma’s prayer had been answered in nearly every way. As I lay there in the hospital, I found I simply could not ask for a better life, even while I faced the battle raging within me.
I turned to the back of the book and looked at all of those names listed there. Some I had known for years and some I didn’t recognize at all. They had come together to speak on behalf of one of their own. Cowboys and farmers, clerks and shop owners, teachers and clergy, husbands and wives, each of them were praying for me. It was a wonderful feeling.
Seeing those names, understanding what they had done for me, led me to the realization that, although I would continue the battle, I had already won. I was loved and had loved. I had experienced a sunrise and faced a sunset. I had known devotion that would fight its way to the end of the earth on my behalf. I had called into the world a child, and raised a woman. Though there were disappointments along the way; there was satisfaction as well, and by and far the satisfaction out weighed anything I could claim as disappointing. Those low moments, they just made me stronger and more appreciative of the good ones. As I looked back upon my journey, I had no choice but to conclude that it was well worth the ride and I was prepared to accept whatever might come to me in the future.