In serious retrograde orbit around Knothear
“Hey Humphrey, is that you pal?” someone shouted from deep in space.
“Yes.” he replied, “Who is that? I can’t see all that well, forgot to get a new prescription for my glasses.”
“It’s me Rodney,” Rodney said, “We had Grav 101 together.”
“Rodney, thank the gods. I’ve been trying to contact someone.”
“Well here I am. Listen, let’s catch up at Mary’s party, I have some shopping to do and you know how I hate to be late. You know you should check your orbit there pal, I know you’re into older women, but Knothear will eat you alive.”
Then Rodney was gone.
“Like I don’t already know that.” Humphrey mumbled. “Bastard, I always knew he had a thing for Mary. All that bad advice he gave me in school, I’ll show him.” But it was no good; he wouldn’t be showing anyone anything, unless you count the somehow important pink things, and all he would be showing them was a great big fireball. He sulked for a little while, but that didn’t help either. Then his luck changed, or so he thought.
“Evening Mr P-1743.” a deep booming voice said. Humphrey swung himself around and saw his old school headmaster.
“Boy, am I glad to see you Headmaster.” Humphrey said with, what we will call, a tear in his, what we will call, eyes.
“Yes, I’m sure you are. You still owe me an essay on the laws of planetary attraction.”
“Yes sir, I’ll write it for you as soon as I get out of this predicament.”
“Very well, I’ll expect it on my desk by the end of the millennium.”
“Thank you, sir.” Humphrey replied grinning with joy, thinking that he was saved. “Sir, if I may ask, what are you doing here?”
“I came to visit an old friend. Knothear’s third moon. I was inviting him to a party at Miss P-1758’s place.”
“You mean you’re going to Mary’s party as well.”
“Seems all the asteroids and lesser moons are going.”
“Wow, sounds like a great party.”
“I’m sure it will be. Well best be off, don’t forget about that essay. Dying in a fiery ball of vaporized gas is no excuse.”
“Uh. What do you mean?”
“I knew you weren’t the brightest in the class, but surely you’re not that dumb?” the headmaster asked.
“Yes I am, please you have got to help me.”
“Okay.” the headmaster said. “Aim for water, that’s the blue stuff.”
Nad Strait
The most feared stretch of water in the world which anyone civilized was likely to cross, excluding the Great Rapids of Crosston or the Water of Eternal Night or the Scary Ocean of…Let me start again. Nad Strait looked really really scary. The waves were heaving, there were dark clouds hanging over it spewing lightning from every orifice and large shapes swam just under the surface, looking menacing and hungry.
“Well good luck, and thanks for the ship.” King Cray said. The four soon to be drowned travellers were too busy staring at the turmoil that was the Strait to notice the king’s hasty retreat.
“I’ve seen worse.”
“Where, Brain?”
The silence (when I say silence I mean that nobody spoke, not that the thunder and strange mating calls of large dark shapes also ceased to make a deafening racket.) continued.
“We have a boat.” Brain tried again, pointing at the reed boat that would probably sink in a dry riverbed.
“Looks like the adventure is over.” Opie said. “Come on Siege let’s get back to Clemville and get married.”
“Over my dead body.” Tricks said before Siege could say something gushy like ‘yes’”.
“If you go in that boat it will probably happen sooner than you think.” Opie replied. Brain thought that was very funny. Tricks told him to stop laughing, without using her voice.
“Opie I have one word for you.” Brain said rubbing the back of his head. “Thebiggestlibraryintheworld.”
“That’s six words Brain.” Tricks said.
“Not the way I say it.” replied Brain.
“Opie are you alright?” Siege asked the vacant eyed Opie.
“Huh, what, sorry,” Opie said coming back to the world of the conscious. “I was just thinking, we can get married any time, but Thebiggestlibraryintheworld is a once in a life time chance we can’t miss.”
“And I’m not?” Siege said and stormed of in a huff.
“Nice move numb nuts.” (Funny on many levels, nice one Brain)
“Don’t make me pull a Tricks on you Brain.” (Ooh, good comeback.) Opie started heading after Siege. “I’ll meet you at the Dragon and Waffle. Wait for us there; I don’t know how long it will take me to apologize to Siege.” (Dragon and Waffle is a pub near the Nad Strait.)
“’Spose a few beers couldn’t hurt.”
“It’s seven in the morning Brain.”
“Your point?”
“Fair enough, it must be after twelve somewhere in the world.”
“What’s that got to do with it?”
“Sometimes you make me want to scream.”
“People always say that.” Brain said as straight faced as Rock. “I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”
Tricks tried screaming, but when her very good impression of the Giant Five Teeth Mauler mating call was answered they decided it would be best to try a few beers, whatever the hour.
“I’m sorry, Siege.” Opie said again. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that we have such a great opportunity here, that we shouldn’t waste it.”
“Did you really mean what you said about getting married?” Siege asked, wiping the tears from her eyes.
“You bet I did.” Opie replied raising himself to his full height, and then he slouched again. “Only problem is a librarian doesn’t make much money. I couldn’t offer you much in the way of a big wedding or any of the finer things in life.”
“That’s alright; I always seem to have enough money.” she replied.
“I was thinking about that.” Opie said looking a little sheepish. “You know how the others can see you like I can after we kiss?”
“Yes?”
“I think I have some sort of magic shield around me, and when I get intimate with someone it kind of rubs off.”
“Go on.”
“Well what if we get really intimate and it’s permanent?”
“I didn’t think about that, but maybe I could become a waitress at The Swill and Donkey, I’m sure Tricks won’t mind.”
“Tricks might not mind, but I do. Those people are pigs.”
“You’re so sweet when you’re jealous.” Siege said and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.
“All I’m saying is, I don’t want a precious flower like you working in a place like that, especially when everyone can see how beautiful you are.”
“Ah, you’re so sweet. I love you.” she said looking longingly into his eyes.
“I love you too.” he replied. “I really do.” He jumped on a large boulder and shouted, “I love Siege.” He hopped back down, almost twisting his ankle, “Wow, that feels great. I love you Siege.” Then they did some serious kissing, so serious in fact that Siege could be seen from space by a half blind asteroid, but she wasn’t blue so he didn’t pay much attention.
“That settles it.” she said when they finally came up for air. “We are going to have to continue on this treasure hunt. We are going to have the best wedding Clemville has ever seen.”
“I can’t wait. Let’s go tell the others.”
“Not just yet.” she said. “About last night.”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that also, maybe we should wait until we can find a more romantic setting, you know candles and flowers, maybe a bed.”
“I was thinking a little more practically.” Siege said. “This setting is romantic enough for me, but we might need my skills on this quest.”
“Good thinking.” Opie replied.
“It’s not fair, though, that we should suffer just because we might need your skills.”
“True, but we can still kiss and cuddle.”
“I don’t suppose you know what blue balls are?”
“Like when Tricks hit you there.”
“Similar, but I get them when I’m around you.”
“Sorry, is there anything I can do to help?”
“Actually there might be.”
He showed her, and it did help, let’s just say natural and fun.
“What took you so long?” Even this snide innuendo from Brain didn’t wipe the grin off Opie’s face.
“Just talking about the wedding we’re going to have.” Siege said sitting down with Opie, they were still holding hands, so she was clearly present.
“So the adventure is over.” Tricks said dejectedly. “Well I suppose congratulations are in order.”
“Thank you.” they both replied, Opie continued. “We have decided that we need the treasure to have the best wedding of all time.”
“Now that’s a reason to drink.” Brain said. “Let me buy you around, Siege can I borrow some money?”
They spent the rest of the morning drinking to each other’s health. Then some lunatic, you know the kind, they have a board with ‘the end is neigh or bob or something, came running in saying the world was going to end, of course no-one believed him, until he dragged someone out and showed them, and what do you know, he almost had a point. The four adventures went to see for themselves.
“I was watching the sky.” the not so lunatic said. “Waiting for it to fall and kill us all, when I saw it happen. First the one moon got smaller and smaller until it vanished and then the big one did the same.”
“So?” someone said, it could have been Brain, but he’s not admitting it.
“What do you mean so? It’s a sign that the world is going to end.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Yes it is.” (Oh god, they really did that didn’t they. Sorry.) Anyway, while the argument ensued outside our four heroes went back to their drinks. Opie looked very worried.
“What’s up, Opie?”
“I’ve read about this sort of thing. You see, the moons are responsible for all the tidal forces on Knothear. If they just disappear we could well see the end of the world.”
“What rubbish, surely the moons wonder off from time to time, how else would they get to a good party?” Brain said.
“Don’t be so stupid Brain, Moons don’t party.” (Brain’s getting the last laugh, only he will never know.)
“They seem fun to me.” he mumbled.
“Like I was saying.” Opie continued. “The moons basically use this magic force called gravity to keep tides and things working, without them it could mean giant tidal waves or hurricanes, the likes of which have never been seen.”
“I’m not so sure of your theory, Opie.” Brain said.
“It’s not my theory Brain, it’s a fact, and I read it in the natural forces section of the Library.”
“Then how do you explain that?” Brain was pointing out the door at the clearly visible Strait.
“Um…um…wow.” was Opie’s explanation. (This is mine. The moons moved off at the exact declination to pull the cloud off the sea and made the sea as flat as something really, really flat that I can’t think of right now.)
“Everyone to the boat, here’s our chance.” Tricks shouted.
They got in the boat and started paddling. Then someone remembered something.
“What about the dark shapes under the water?” Siege asked.
“I don’t see anything now, maybe we just imagined them?” Brain replied, but picked up his paddling speed.
“I don’t see anything.” Tricks said from the front of the boat.
“Let’s count ourselves lucky, but not take any chances. I vote for high speed rowing.” Opie said.
“I second that.” Brain said and they all picked up the pace. They landed safely on Nad two hours later. (So what did happen to the creatures in the strait? Simple: They were vain and without their cloud cover they didn’t want anyone to see just how ugly they were.)
Kingdom of Nad
“Where to now?” Brain asked looking out at the great expanse of nothing but bare rock.
“Let’s walk inland,” Tricks said. “We don’t have much time to waste, who knows how long the moons are going to be out partying.” Opie gave her a quizzical look. Tricks just shrugged as if to say, ‘if you can’t beat him join him.’ Opie rolled his eye as if to say, ‘but you can beat him.’
“Yeah let’s just get the map and get out of here.”
“Hey wait a second.” Opie said in a high, very unmanly voice. “I’ve waited my whole life to get to this place and you guys just want to leave.”
“Sorry Opie we don’t have time to argue, why don’t you guard the boat and the rest of us will find the library thing.” Tricks said it in her best ‘I must be obeyed’ voice. Opie did what he was told, but only after kissing Siege off. Half an hour later he caught up with them.
“It’s weird, but the clouds and heavy seas have come back.” he said after catching his breath. The others, (By that I mean Brain and Tricks) didn’t believe him, so they had to go back, and sure enough, he was telling the truth.
“Now what?” Tricks said.
“Guess we wait till the next moon party.” Brain said, Tricks didn’t join him, instead swatted him quite hard on the back of the head.
“This is serious you oaf.”
“Don’t sweat it, Tricks.” he replied, pretending the whack hadn’t hurt. “I’ll invent something to get us off this island.” When the others finished laughing Brain was half a mile away. He was the first to see the castle. He just stood in awe of the fairy tale come to life in front of him. The others joined him; the silence was finally broken by Siege.
“I bet they have some great baths in there.”
“Yeah,” replied Brain, “and great ingredients for energy drinks.”
“Brain you start on the energy drinks again and I’ll…I’ll do something really nasty to you.” Tricks said. “Exactly what happened in Lob anyway.”
“None of your beeswax.”
They walked on each in their own silent world. Opie was thinking of all the books he could read, Siege was thinking of the long hot baths, Brain was thinking of all the great inventions he could make and Tricks was thinking about all the points an ambush could be set up, and a little about the cool weapons a place like this could have. They arrived at the door. It was huge and very imposing.
“Let’s go knock.” They walked forward, but only Opie made it to the door.
“What’s up guys?” he asked the three people sitting in the dirt behind him.
“Nothing.” replied Tricks, “Just the little thing of an invisible barrier around the door.”
“Then how come…” Opie started, but then nodded. “I really do have an anti-magic field around me. Not to worry I’ll knock.”
So he did, but after banging for two hours and still no answer he decided that there was no one home.
“Looks like no-one’s home.” he said.
“You think? How we supposed to get in now?” Brain asked, a touch sarcastically.
“I have an Idea.”
He walked out of the magic shield area, kissed Siege and walked back through the barrier, holding her hand. She was able to pass through, until Opie let go of her hand and then she went flying back to a rather nasty fall.
“At least we know one thing, it’s a solid field and my magic rubs off with a kiss.”
“Isn’t that two things?”
“Shut up Brain. Give me your sword Tricks, I’ll cut down the door and see if I can find an off switch.” He hacked and hacked. “It’s no use.” he said sweating profusely, “we’ll never get in.”
“Why not let Tricks have a go?” Brain said.
“Because of the field.” Tricks and Opie replied as one.
“He has a
point.” Siege said.
“You see.” Brain said, “Ah, what exactly is my point?”
“Opie could take Tricks in with him.” she replied.
“Yeah, but that would mean…” It was too much, Brain burst out laughing. Then had to go take a leak, for fear of wetting his pants.
“I’m not making out with him.” Tricks said.
“Shut up Tricks, we need to get into the castle and you are the only one skilled enough to do it.” Siege said defiantly, “Just pucker up and do it. Opie you better hate every second of it.”
“Yes my love.”
It took two tries, but eventually they were standing at the door. Tricks was about to swing her sword, when she saw a piece of paper on the floor. She bent down to pick it up, letting go of Opie’s hand in the process. Fortunately for her she landed on something soft, unfortunately for Brain it was him.
“Bring that piece of paper Opie.” she said getting off Brain, who seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much. “Maybe it’s important.”
He brought it out and handed it to Tricks.
“Can’t read it, can you Brain?” he looked at it.
“Yeah, it’s an open sesame spell. You have to be at the door when you read it. Very high end coding.” He actually whistled. “Whoever wrote this knew what they were doing. Very person specific. If we didn’t have you Opie there is no way we would be getting in. Just stand at the door and read the lines.”
“Problem, Brain.” Opie said looking at the note. “I don’t read gobbledy gook.”
“Then you are just going to have to take Tricks back in.”
“Can’t help you there Brain.” she replied.
“Siege?” She just shook her head.
“Pucker up Brain, I find it works best if you slip him some tongue.” Tricks held her straight face for almost two seconds before she cracked. The tears were streaming down her face, so she didn’t see the actual kiss, but she did see Opie and Brain walking hand in hand to the door.
“This stays on the island.” Brain said, Opie agreed. (You’re reading it, so it obviously didn’t)
They all walked into the most beautiful entrance hall ever made, so grand that it put King Clement’s ballroom to shame. In fact it was so grand I don’t know how to describe it. One thing I can tell you is that it was well sign posted. The four signs that they were interested in were: Bathhouse, for Siege. Library, for Opie. Armoury, for Tricks. Potions, for Brain. They moved off in their respective directions. Tricks was going to say that Opie should find the map first, but she saw a rare two-handed sword, so didn’t.
Siege
It put Lord Fanger’s bathhouse to shame. For one thing, it was twice the size of his, for another the mosaic tiles actually made pictures, as opposed to the shambles his blind mother had made on his floor. There were eight arches, each with a number above the door. She stripped down and started at number one. The first was cool, but not cold. When she submerged herself, the water started to bubble, and jets of water started spraying her body. She moved onto the second, which was hotter, with bubbles and soap. It progressed like this all the way through. Of note, was the fifth bath, where the statues came to life and helped scrub her back and the final sauna, where a large statue gave her the best massage anyone who has never been into that room has ever had. When she emerged, a robe and select fruits were waiting. She ate some fruit and did it all again. It was the first time in her life she really felt clean, the bad news is that from then on it was all downhill in the clean department for her.
Brain
I might have mentioned that Brain went to wizard school, what I didn’t mention was that the school he went to was the best in all the land, for example the potion library at his school had ninety percent of all known ingredients. The potion library he walked into on Nad had two hundred and sixty one percent of known ingredients and a really awesome workbench and best of all an assistant that didn’t talk. Not like at school where the assistant, mostly a wizard, would constantly complain that adding this or leaving out that would be trouble. Oh no not in this lab. In this lab the assistant would happily allow Brain to mix anything he wanted. He was like a kid in a candy store, where the shopkeeper kept stuffing your mouth with sweets. (This is a point were a little blind luck came into play. Brain did some pretty hard-core experiments, but he didn’t destroy the universe, so blind luck must have been involved. There was also a bit of good luck, but we will talk more about that later.) After fooling around with things that went bang, he got down to the important business of making energy drinks. The assistant was well trained, so Brain ate lab sarmies, you know the type; dry bread with what could be called cheese and ham. I don’t know why people working in labs like them, but they always seem to have them. That aside Brain had a wonderful time making energy drinks and trying to re-grow his eyebrows. The assistant didn’t talk, but it did shake its head a lot, every time Brain made him try a new formula of energy drink.
Tricks
Tricks walked into heaven; well what she would consider heaven. I think at this point I should tell you a little more about the library. Originally it was used to house only scrolls, but each King had his own passion, so they would add things during their rule. For example King Isabelle the 2nd loved baths almost as much a Siege, hence the wonderful time Siege was now having. King Lovewar was into weapons, hence the Armoury. There are too many collections to mention, from stamps to bottle tops, potions to names on rice grains. The current ruler Isabelle the 5th is into beds, (Her faithful scroll keeper is Paulo after all.) so she has one of the best examples of beds in the kingdom, and it’s still growing, in fact she will be back shortly with a new one. (Whoops, did I inadvertently create a tension point?) Back to Tricks and heaven. King Lovewar had very similar tastes to Tricks when it came to weapons; unlike Tricks he merely admired them. Tricks on the other hand had to swing and play and stab and thrust and all those other things only weapons experts can do, then she found the dummy. It was a statue very similar to Siege’s washers and Brains assistant, only it knew how to fight. It started with the number one on its chest, but quickly moved through the numbers each time Tricks defeated it. She tried different weapons; each time it reset. She had a few problems with the forties, only because she was trying some weapons she didn’t know. (They weren’t weapons at all; they were some sex toys Paulo had left lying around.) It wasn’t until the late nineties that Tricks even broke a sweat. After she defeated number one hundred the dummy walked back to its alcove, with a decided limp, and Tricks couldn’t coax it out again. If it wasn’t an inanimate object I would swear it was crying. Tricks spent the rest of her time sharpening her own weapons.
Opie
As the Library is the heart of the island, it is by far the most impressive of all the collections. It is housed in the caves that riddle the island. Each cave is so huge you can barely see the end of it, and there are thousands of caves. My advice to anyone going there is to know what you want, or you will end up like Opie. He ran from one batch of scrolls to another, never quite reading one, merely looking at the title and drooling, but that’s a little in the future. He opened the door and walked down the stairs. He was not impressed. In front of him was a statue with one shelf of scrolls. He walked up to the desk and the statue came to life. Unlike the statues the others encountered, this one spoke.
“Good day, sir.” it said, in that tone all librarians have, you know that one you get when you come back with a book, two and a half minutes over due. “Is there anything I can help sir with?”
“Um, yes actually, do you have a catalogue or some sort of filing system?” he asked.
“No to both questions sir.” it replied. Opie said something like damn “If sir would like something specific,” it continued, “perhaps I could get it for him.”
“Well I suppose it can’t hurt to ask.” he said in a way that showed he didn’t think it would help at all. “I’m looking for a map.”
“A map of the library or did sir have a part
icular map in mind.”
“A particular map, but a map of the library would be a good start.” he said getting more excited.
“Sorry sir, but there is no map of the library.” it replied.
“Then why did you ask me if I wanted that map?”
“Sorry sir.” it replied. “Please rephrase your question, I am unable to answer. Perhaps I can get you a scroll on golem etiquette.”
“Golem etiquette?”
“Golems are inanimate object brought to life sir, I am such an object.” it replied.
“Okay, let’s try again.” he said, wishing he had a book on golem etiquette. “I’m looking for a map. I think it is called the Da’Loose treasure map. I think it was taken out by Gelmont the Lost.”
“Yes sir, that will take a few minutes to find, please feel free to browse, but if you break it, you replace it. If sir does not wish to browse, coffee and biscuits are…”
“I’ll browse.” Opie said. This is the looking at the title and drooling bit. He finally got thirsty and hungry, so he went to find the coffee and biscuits. A scroll was lying on the desk when he arrived.
“Is this the map I asked for?” he asked.
“Yes sir” it replied.
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“Sorry sir.” it replied. “Please rephrase you question, I am unable to answer. Perhaps I can get you a scroll on golem etiquette.”
“Never mind.” he said, “Coffee and biscuits this way.” He pointed to the coffee and biscuits sitting on a table in an adjacent room.
“Yes sir.” it replied, “I have just been informed that supper is now ready in the banquet hall.”
“Thanks.” he said taking the map, he had forgotten that he had missed lunch, and the rumble in his stomach suggested that he better not miss supper.
“If I could just stamp sirs library card, he may take the scroll for a fortnight.”
“Um, I don’t have a library card?”
“Then sir will not be able to take the scroll with him.” it replied impassively, Opie looked around for the exit, but the door out of the library closed.
“Oh, perhaps I could copy it?”
“We do have a copy service sir, if sir would like to take a copy with him, we could arrange for one to be made.”
“Yes please.” he said, wishing he had the book on golem etiquette. “And a copy of golem etiquette. How long will it take to get the copies?”
“They will be brought up to the banquet hall in a few minutes.” it replied, the doors opening again.
“I can come back?” Opie asked, the hope seeping through his voice.
“Yes sir.”
“How do I get a library card?”
“We don’t have library cards.” it replied.
“Okay, then don’t forget the scroll on golem etiquette.”
“Of course not sir.”
They all arrived at the banquet hall at the same time, then Tricks, followed by Brain and Opie left. Siege made them go bath. They came back smelling of roses and old spice respectively. The banquet hall lived up to its name. It was a hall, with a huge banquet. They piled up their plates and sat down on one corner of the huge table.
“I found the map.” Opie said between mouthfuls of food. “I’m getting it copied.”
“Good.” Tricks said, using her incredibly sharp sword to cut up a watermelon. “What does it say?”
“I don’t know yet.” he said rather sheepishly. “I kind of got caught up in the library. I’m thinking of going back tonight. Perhaps you and Brain can translate it while I show Siege around the library.”
“Would sir like the map translated?”
“Oh, I didn’t see you there.” Opie said to the library golem. “Everybody this is the library golem. Yes please, and maybe two copies. “
“Yes sir,” it replied. “Of what sir.”
“The Da’Loose treasure map.” he said with hardly batting an eyelid, “I’ll take the scroll on golem etiquette now. Thank you.”
He opened the scroll and read it, then read it again, then sighed, then read it for everyone.
“It says:” he read aloud. “There is no etiquette when dealing with golem, just be patient and repeat your question in different ways until you get the desired response. Good luck.”
“My golem never spoke.” Brain said. “He wouldn’t even try my energy drinks.”
“You better not be making energy drinks again.” Tricks said with fire in her eyes.
“No, it was the golem.” he quickly replied.
“Good, let’s keep it that way. As Opie is taking Siege to the library, and I don’t want any hanky panky, you and I should get a feel for the lay of the land.” Tricks said. “We should find a good place to stand guard, and some decent bedrooms. I don’t want any surprises.” Then she almost jumped out of her skin.
“Perhaps we can stand guard.” said the fifty golems that seemed to appear out of thin air, each with the number one hundred on their chests.
“Good, yes, very good.” she said, putting her sword away.
“I could do with a cognac and a cigar.” Brain said hoping that his reading of the situation was right, which of course it was. A waiter golem walked into the room with a tray with a bottle of cognac and a box of assorted cigars. Tricks and Siege got a Kahlua Dom’ Pedro each and Opie tried the Irish coffee.
“This is the most fantastic place in the world.” Siege said. “I think we should forget about treasure hunting and just live here.”
“Talking of being stranded,” Tricks said practically. “How are we going to get out of here?”
“Let’s not worry about that now.” Opie replied, “We should just forget about it for tonight and have a good time.”
“I’m with Opie.” Brain said. “I wonder if they have karaoke here?”
“Yes sir.” the golem butler said. “Through those doors.”
A band of musician golems were waiting for them when they arrived in the music hall. A large golem, the first they saw with more than two hands, was holding a scroll at each corner, his fifth hand pointing to the words. Brain actually jumped with joy. It was a much better setup than Tricks supplied at the Swill on Thursday nights. The biggest plus was the audience. Rather the lack of an audience; nobody to jeer or throw things. Which is why Siege and Opie sloped off during Brains enthusiastic rendition of twinkle, twinkle little star. Tricks checked the five-armed golem for a number, but couldn’t find one. (This might sound weird, but Tricks has the sweetest singing voice you can imagine.) Brain butchered all his favourite songs and Tricks sang beautifully and the golems came to life. (The audience was starting to fill with golems, who clapped politely for Brain, but were really coming to listen to Tricks.) Opie and Siege explored Thebiggestlibraryintheworld.
Opie and Siege
“This is huge.” Siege said in awe.
“This is only one cave.” Opie replied. “I haven’t been far, but I’ve seen about ten caves so far, and they are all filled with scrolls.”
“Have you read any interesting stories yet?” she asked. Opie blushed a little
“Not yet.” he said and smiled. “I was so excited that I, well, just looked at a few titles.”
“Any recommendations?” she asked, noticing a book called ‘The Perfect Wedding’.
“So many.” he replied, blushing. “Have you ever read the Karma Sutra?”
“No.” she replied. “Is it any good?”
He cleared his throat and said she should look into it, and maybe he could lend her his well-read copy when they got back to Clemville. Opie explained that if there was anything specific that she wanted to look at, she should ask the library golem. She said she would, but for now she was happy looking around the library with her fiancé. She liked the way that sounded, so she said it again.
“I’m so happy,” Opie said after the fourth time she said fiancé. “but I still have to buy you a ring.”
“This one you gave me this morning is just fine.” she said
, looking at the wire ring Brain had helped Opie bend.
“No, you must have a nice big diamond.”
“Well, maybe after we find the treasure you can buy me one.”
“Better yet, there might be one in the treasure, wouldn’t that be great.” he said. Siege said it would be. They kissed, and Opie told all the scrolls how happy he was. The library golem appeared and told him “Sssh.” They whispered from then on. Opie wanted to see the dragon section, so while he was knee deep in scrolls on dragon husbandry, Siege asked the library golem for a copy of the Karma Sutra. She did a lot of blushing.
Tricks and Brain
Most of the golems moved off to do whatever golems did with their spare time, probably plotting to take over the world, or more likely to become statutes in alcoves somewhere.
“That was fun, thanks Brain.”
“No, thank you. I didn’t know you could sing? How come you never sing at the Swill? You would attract a lot more customers.” Tricks laughed.
“I think the Swill and Donkey is full enough.” she replied.
“True, but you could make some serious money with your voice.”
They were still sitting in the music hall, the band still played, but the music was more end of a good evening kind of music. They were sipping on some beer. Brain had tried to get some really rare Knockvil ale, but they were out of stock. So they had settled for an old favourite Swill poison. Tricks wondered how they got beer from her bar, but no amount of wondering got her an answer.
“If you swear never to tell, I’ll let you in on a secret.” she said.
“I swear.”
“I have some serious money.”
“What!” Brain said in real shock, this was coming from someone who never paid for drinks and sent Siege into Bullion Heights when they wanted a good night out. “You mean you’re rich?”
“I wouldn’t put it like that.” she replied.
“Remember when I was in the dungeon and you said you didn’t have money for bail? I rotted in that place for a week. Now you’re saying that you’re rich.” He stood up and fumed, very ineffectually.
“No Brain.” Tricks said pulling him back to his chair. “Hear me out and then you can make your judgment.”
“Okay, but it better be good.”
“What I said was that I have some serious money, but only if I want it.”
“Don’t you want it?”
“Don’t interrupt. Very few people know, but my parents are very rich, and when I say very rich, I mean buy a kingdom rich. I’m not going to tell you our family name, but believe me when I say rich.” She had a sip of her beer, but continued when the tension was too much for Brain and he begged her to go on.
“My grandfather left half the fortune to my parents and the other half to me, his only grandchild. The money is waiting for me to take it.”
“Great, where is it waiting and how do we get it?” He stood as if to charge off and open a safe.
“Sit down.” she said, smiling to herself. “The money is sitting in the family vault. I saw it when I was a little girl, it’s more money than I have ever seen in my life, as for getting it, that’s another story.”
“That’s fine, I’m ready for another story.”
“Okay, but you’re not allowed to tell.”
“I swore an oath, and my word is my bond.” he said, placing his hand over his heart.
“You also swore to pay your bar tab.”
“That’s different, now that I know you could be rolling it I don’t feel so bad about not paying.”
“You never felt bad.” she said with a giggle. The drinks of the world were starting to go to her head; she was worried that she was giving away too much of herself, but the drinks kept fuzzing up her brain. She looked at Brain, and he was starting to look good.
“Pull yourself out of it girl.” she said.
“What?” Brain asked.
“Nothing, I was just about to tell you how to get to my money.”
“Oh, goodie.”
“The vault has a magic lock that will only open if me, my husband and my child stand at the door and demand to have it open.”
“Oh, that sucks.” Brain said knowing there was more to the story then his brain was letting him know. Tricks sat smiling at him, waiting for the bombshell to land. Brains face changed, it was starting to hit home. Tricks laughed.
“You’re married?” Short pause, while the next bombshell hit. “And you have a kid?”
“No.” she replied.
“Then how do you get…oh? I see.”
“Yeah, before I can get the money I have to get married and have a kid. You were right the first time, it sucks.”
“So, why haven’t you done it already?”
“Truth is I don’t want to.”
“But all that money.” Brain stood up excitedly, a new plan had suddenly come to mind. “Next priest we meet, you and I’ll get married, and then we can start working on a kid.” The look on her face told him not to go in that direction. “Or we could adopt or borrow.”
“No it has to be ‘from my loins’. Besides, if I wanted to do it, I would of by now.”
“That’s true.” Brain said, and they both laughed.
“Please Brain, don’t tell anyone.” she wasn’t smiling anymore. “I shouldn’t have told you, but you know, if anyone finds out about this, well let’s just say people will start hitting on me for the wrong reason. Okay.”
“Yeah sure Tricks. I promise. As long as you don’t mind me hitting on you for the right reasons.”
“Sure,” she replied, “As long as you don’t mind me hitting on you, with a club.” They both broke up laughing. The golem butler brought them some coffee.
Siege and Opie
She put the book down on the desk.
“Could I have a copy of that sent to my room?” Siege asked the golem librarian.
“Yes ma’am. Which room is yours?”
“Oh. I don’t know?” The librarian suggested that she could send it to the main foyer, Siege said that would be fine, and then suggested that it could be wrapped in a brown bag. The librarian looked at the book and suggested she put a different cover, and maybe a spell that only she could open, Siege though that that would be a good idea, and could the cover be something to do with weddings, the librarian said that would be fine. (Siege was very embarrassed when Brain handed her the book later. The new cover read ‘How to please your husband on your wedding night.’) With the details of the great book cover exchange behind her and a very embarrassing moment ahead of her, Siege went into the library to find Opie. (The librarian had thought that a map of the library was such a good idea, that she had made one. Only problem was that it weighed in at seven and three quarter tons. She had discussed this with one of the older books, and it suggested that she make a magic scroll with only the important information on it. So she did, only she was a golem {You might have noticed that it has become she. The reason for this is that the best librarians are women. [Remember this when buying this book for your branch] So while she is not anatomically correct, she is going to be a she.} and she got it wrong. {More about the wrongness later, but not in this story.} It was with this one and only scroll that Siege went to find Opie.)
She held the scroll in front of her, as she had been told, and said “Point to Opie.” The arrow on the scroll turned and pointed to the next cave. She followed the arrow, and was soon standing in front of a pile of giggling scrolls.
“Opie.” she called, shaking the magic directional scroll.
“Yes my love.” the scrolls answered.
“Oh you’re in there. I thought my map was broken.”
“What was that?”
“Never mind.” she said putting the scroll in her pocket. “What you doing?”
“I’m reading a book by Two fingers Die Mil, only back then he was known as Die Mil the insane dragon trainer. Man I can’t wait until we can get a dragon of our own.”
“Aren’t they very expensive??
?? she asked, thinking that at the rate they were spending the treasure, there wouldn’t be much left.
“No, not at all.” he replied, coming out of the pile of scrolls. “It says here that the eggs are everywhere, if you know how to look.”
“What about feeding him?”
“It says,” he said pointing to a page “that they pretty much pay for themselves once you’ve trained them.”
“Good, as long as it doesn’t cost too much, then we can get one.”
“What time is it?” he asked. “We should start heading back, get some sleep. I wonder if Brain or Tricks have found a way out of here, not that I want to leave.”
“Me neither. Let’s go have a bath and find somewhere to sleep.”
They walked into the main lounge, Tricks and Brain were asleep on the couch, arm in arm. The golem butler had pulled a blanket over them.
“Let’s leave them, they look so peaceful.” Siege said as they walked through.
“Do you know any more about their past?” Opie asked.
“No, it felt like Tricks wanted to talk about it before the battle, but she didn’t.”
“I got the same feeling from Brain, why can’t they be smart, like us and just talk about it.” Siege agreed. They took their bath and found a bedroom with twin beds. Opie said he didn’t trust himself to sleep in the same bed as Siege. They fell asleep like they had had a long day, which they had. They were all fast asleep when the dragon and its cargo of three people and a bed landed outside the castle, I mean Library.