The Great Desert spa and Gangster Hide Out
“Walk with me.” Sal Ca’pin said. “Out into the desert.” Normally this was Sal’s way of saying you are about to die, well he probably wouldn’t have said it quite like that more likely he would have said ’Go with my boys for a walk in the desert.’ Well actually as he was the boss of bosses in Clemville it is more likely he would have said ‘Go with my boys to get a new pair of concrete shoes.’ Actually he never really said stuff like that, what he would have said, and you would have been nowhere near, would have been ‘Take care of him.’ I think you get the idea, but that’s not the point the point is that Bobby No Face wasn’t worried.
“Yes Capo.” he replied, the brown sack over were his face should have been was starting to chaff. He was hopping that a nice walk in the desert would give him the opportunity to take it off. When he tried, Sal insisted that it was for his own safety that he leave it on.
“As my second cousin on your uncle’s side it is my duty to see that you are happy.” Sal said, when they were out of earshot of the spa.
“Yes Capo, I really enjoy my work.”
“Yes, but don’t you want more.”
“No Capo, making informants ill is a very fulfilling job.” No Face said.
“Fair enough, I won’t ask again, but if there is ever anything you need all you have to do is ask?”
“Well Capo, there is one thing.”
“Name it and it’s yours.”
“It’s my woman Capo, it’s just that, well, I would like to try a live one.” Sal felt a little sick at this confession, but he had heard worse, probably done worse.
“Not to worry, it is all taken care of.”
“Thank you Capo.” he replied, a big smile on his face, if he had one. “What’s that?” He pointed out into the desert.
“Looks like a box.” Sal replied. They started walking in its direction. “This whole desert has been a battlefield at one time or another.” Sal continued. “This is where most of the families made their money, extortion and rackets are peanuts compared to the money you make from a good war.” They stopped at the box and No Face picked it up.
“I wonder what it was, looks like it has a puzzle set into it. Can I keep it Capo? I love puzzles.”
“Knock yourself out.” Sal rolled his eyes at the heavens and helped No Face up. “It was an expression not an order.” People always took Capo Sal Ca’pin literally. It was less painful that way.
“Let’s get back, see if your woman has arrived.”
Barock
“I think the army is completely fleeced.” Lord Moe Denero said looking up from the pages in front of him. “It says here that most of them are down to their underwear.”
“Maybe they have more money coming?” Jake Cookslot said hopefully.
“This is Killem’s army.” Lord Moe Denero answered. “I know he gets a very strict budget from his cousin.”
“True, but why have they stayed?” Sister Betty asked. “Normally by this point the army has left, I mean they have no weapons or armour and if the sistervine is right no one to fight.”
“What do you mean?”
“According to my sources,” Sister Betty answered. “they have signed an agreement with Marshmid not to attack.”
“Maybe they will get a tribute?” Cookslot said even more hopefully
“From Marshmid.” Denero laughed. “More like Killem would have to pay. Enough about that. Sister if you could send some sisters into the camp with some beers and find out what is going on, we’ll pay the expenses from the information account. Right, new business. I know the sisters have black balled Bobby No Face, but I have just received word that Monsieur DeBackrub is looking for a girl to service Mr No Face. He is willing to pay a fortune.”
“Sorry Moe, if I send one of the girls I will be black balled myself.”
“Can’t we make some sort of arrangement, we are talking some very good money.”
“Absolutely not.” She quickly replied, shaking her head. “The man is a monster, not only is he vile to look at, but his tendencies lean towards the dead.”
“Oh dear.” exclaimed Denero. “We can’t have that. I’ll just refuse, if you could write a letter explaining it, maybe we could still save Monsieur DeBackrub’s business.”
“I would be happy to.” Sister Betty said. “The spa has always been a good training ground for our girls.”
“Good. He’s also asked for some more kitchen staff, seems they had an accident with one of their stoves. Jake?”
“Well we are a bit understaffed ourselves, but I could probably rustle up a few people.”
“Thanks, wait a second.” Denero said. “It says here that it’s a mob week. I think it’s only fair you let your people know.”
“I will do, but we probably won’t get any volunteers.”
“Looks like we will be letting DeBackrub down again.”
“Maybe we will get lucky and some people looking for work will arrive on the bus.” Sister Betty said.
“That brings us to the last point in the meeting. The bus service to and from Farian will be stopping the other side of Killem’s army. I tried to convince them that its safe, but they don’t want to risk it. I know we all have shipments coming in so I think it would be best if we pool our resources to bring the goods the rest of the way. All agreed. Good. Meeting adjourned.”
Barock Crater Lake
“What do you mean the bus stops here, I can’t even see a town from here.” Tricks said getting very much into the bus drivers face, “Do you know who I am?” She continued. She was starting to get into her fame. Everyone in Clemville knew who she was, but it wasn’t until this adventure started that she realized just how famous she was in the rest of the land, but they only seemed to know her when she told them her name.
“Sorry madam,” the driver replied. “You could be the great Tricks herself, and I wouldn’t be allowed to take you any farther.”
“I am Tricks.”
“Really, could I get your autograph? For my kid brother, he’s a big fan.”
“Alright, come on gang we have to walk the rest of the way.” They got out and started to walk towards the town.
“I wouldn’t go that way if I was you.” shouted the bus driver. “There’s an army camped there.” The road wary travellers ignored him and carried on walking.
“What was that?” Brain asked after they had been walking for a few minutes.
“What?” Opie replied.
“I swear I saw two men running away.”
“So?”
“They were in their underwear.”
“Still stoned from last night?” Tricks asked.
“No.” Brain replied. “Maybe, but I swear I saw them.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Opie said. “We have the great Tricks with us.” They walked on in silence unaware that ahead of them an army was preparing to carry out the work of the Gods, or so the army thought.
“What do you mean we have no weapons?” Killem raged at his second in command. “I have one chance to be favoured by the gods and you let the men become weapon-less. What do you mean we have no armour?” Killem looked out of his tent at his once proud army. There were no tents, no fires, no weapons and no clothes, unless you counted underwear. Hector Vedor decided he had better step in before Killem ruined his plan. He had just been informed that the people he was looking for were on their way.
“General.” Hector said. “It is a test. Your men must collect rocks and stone the travellers to death.”
“I knew that.” Killem said. “But do we collect rocks or stone?”
“Rocks.” Hector said, “We’ll rock them to death.”
“Quick get the men to collect rocks. We must make these people suffer.”
“Yes general.” Hector said walking outside, there were a few towns’ people around, but he didn’t want any witnesses. “The more they suffer the greater will be your reward. Also you should get rid of the towns’ people, the gods don’t want
a scene.” Damn he thought as Killem ran off, should have said his men should get rid of the towns folk. It was very tiring always thinking with such a literal man around, one little thing said wrong and who knows what could happen. At least the army was collecting stones.
“The general said that we should prepare to take them just below the ridge.” Hector told the second in command. Hector was not used to army strategy, anyone who was would have said that attacking from that position was the strategy of an ambush highwayman, oh yes that’s what Hector Vedor was.
“Ouch, why did you do that?”
“What? Ouch, cut that out.”
“It’s not me, someone is throwing pebbles at us.”
“Don’t panic guys, but look at this.” Siege said. “Sneak, I don’t what them to see you.” Siege was a little ahead of the other three; she hadn’t been hit by any soldiers finding their range with some pebbles. The other three had stopped to argue over who was hurting whom. They peered over the ridge and then sat back against some rocks.
“They look like they mean business.” Brain said. “I wonder were the other army is?”
“No they don’t.” Tricks said. “They have no clothes and no weapons.”
“They have a lot of stones.” Opie added. “Maybe it’s like Crustation, but instead of paint they throw stones in their underwear.”
“You could be right.” replied Tricks. ”But whatever it is they’re not after us. Let’s go.” They all stood up so the army could see that they were fully clothed, Brain might have waved, but whatever he did, they were sitting back against the rocks before the first few stones arrived.
“Maybe they are after us?” Tricks said. “Whatever, I think we can take them.”
“Now who’s stupid?” Brain said looking Tricks in the eye and hardly blinking a lot.
“Come out and take your punishment like a mouse. It’s time to separate the cheese from the stone.” Hector shouted.
“I recognize that voice, but I just can’t place it.” Opie said.
“Maybe if you could smell it.” Tricks said.
“Oh yes Victor Hugo.” Opie replied.
“Who?” Asked Brain.
“The guy who caught us in that pirate place.” Brain still looked confused.
“You are sitting cats.” Hector shouted, the men around him giving him a little room, his breath had gotten worse.
“Did he say cats?” Opie asked.
“No rats.” Brain replied.
“Do rats sit?” Opie wondered, but Tricks told him to be quiet before Brain could answer, something to do with bats.
“He meant ducks.” Tricks said, not knowing about the earlier conversation between the other three.
“You mean sitting or quaking?” Brain asked
“Yes Brain.” She replied. “We’re quaking ducks.” Brain looked confused for a few seconds and decided he would try something else.
“Why is he after us?”
“Don’t you remember? He was after our treasure map.” Opie replied.
“Oh yes, but how does he know we have one now? One of you must be working for him.” Brain thought that was very clever, Tricks told him to shut up until he had something useful to add. Surprisingly he did. Hector took this opportunity to say something equally profound and just as wrong.
“It is no use beating two bird near a bush with many stone.”
“So what do we do?” Opie said.
“We could run away.” Siege tried.
“No, if they have set such a good ambush, they probably have men waiting for us elsewhere.” Tricks said. “Looks like we will have to fight. Opie you and Brain take the left, Siege and I will that the right.”
“No Tricks Brain was right. There must be a better way.” Opie said.
“I borrowed a book from the library in Nad that could help.” Brain said.
“I don’t think I like this.” Tricks replied.
“You are more than welcome to try fight them.” Brain said. “But as a trained wizard, I could cast a spell that would make them disappear.”
“Yip, I’m defiantly not liking this.” Tricks said. “Besides, since when have you strayed from thing that look like magic?”
“I do okay.” Replied Brain. He opened his bag and looked under the few energy drinks he had with him. He pulled out the scroll and started reading from the pages.
“What does that spell do Brain?” Opie asked.
“I don’t know.” Brain replied. “It’s in a funny language, so it must be good.” The others looked at him in horror for two seconds; they only looked away when a huge bang was heard from the other side of the ridge. Siege, being the least visible, was the first to see Humphries final resting place.
“Looks like you did it, Brain.” Siege said. “There is no one left.” The others stood up and surveyed the scene. Tricks took the scroll from Brain and put it in her pack.
“No use letting you try that again. Not that I believe this was anything other than blind luck, we don’t want to take chances.”
“You’re welcome guys.” Brain said, not getting the adoration he felt he deserved.
“Come on, daylight’s fading, we should get into town.” They passed one lone man on their way into town. He was sitting on a rock crying about lost empires, and wondering what he had done to the gods. When they asked if they could help him, he replied that his cousin was probably going to be cross, but that he would send a dragon to collect him any way.
“Well it was nice meeting you Mr Killem.” Siege said as they left.
“General.” was his only reply.
Barock
The town centre was abuzz with news of the disaster that had befallen the army. Mostly it was things like, ‘They were just taking up space.’ ‘We had fleeced them dry anyway.’ and ‘You can finally let out our daughters and son, Ma.’ The town of Barock was returning to its peacetime pace. Some shops were closing, there were more pretty girls walking the streets, but most people were looking forward to a nice holiday aboard.
“Let’s find somewhere to stay.” Tricks said. “Then we can see about getting to this Desert spa.”
“Good idea.” said Brain. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“You didn’t get any sleep.” replied Opie. “We were fighting off horny pirates in the dungeon.” Opie took a little time out to swot Brain again. Brain was starting to get used to it.
“Sorry.” he replied.
“Stop bickering you two.” Tricks said as they passed another closed Inn. “I swear there are no places open. At this rate we might as well start walking to the desert inn, if we can find it.”
“I couldn’t help over hearing.” A man with a goatee said. “Are you looking for work at the spa?” Opie caught on the quickest.
“Yes, but we can’t get there. We were going to try hiring some camels and things tomorrow. But nothing is open for us to sleep in tonight.”
“Don’t worry about that.” he replied. “I’m Moe Denero, please call me Moe. I sort of run this little town. You can stay at my place tonight and then as luck would have it, I’m sending some people to the spa tomorrow, and you can join them.” He looked Tricks up and down and smiled. Luckily for him, Tricks wasn’t paying him any attention. She was too busy watching a wagonload of swords going by on its way to Knocksvil.
“This is my humble abode.” Moe said pointing to a house that was built by a man who supplied wine, woman and food to armies. That’s right, it was very garish and pink, with way too many gargoyles, but it was big. “Please come inside.” he continued. “I know I have the key here somewhere. Just a second. Damn.” Opie put his hand in Siege’s pocket, something no other living soul could do and pulled out the key. Siege blushed. Opie pretended to find the key on the floor and handed it to Moe. “I normally have it on this…damn, now I’ve lost the gold chain it’s normally on.” Siege started to dig in her pockets, but Opie shook his head. “Oh well, these things happen, let’s get inside and see what chef is making for sup
per.” If you liked the outside, you will love the inside. There are few words that describe it, and here they are: gothic brookie lace. It was one of those styles that were as successful in the interior design industry as heroin chic was in the building industry.
“Please make yourselves at home; the bedrooms are all on the second and third floor.”
“Do you live alone in this mansion?” Brain asked, thinking that there probably wasn’t another soul in the universe that would share this house with him.
“Yes.” he replied, just as Sister Betty walked into the entrance hall. “This is my, um, fellow council member. Sister Betty.”
“Nice to meet you.” They all shook hands.
“Are you a nun?” Brain asked the elderly yet strikingly beautiful woman.
“Good heavens no.” She laughed. “My virtue may no longer be a question, but I’m still a sister. I run the sisters in this region.”
“Cool.” Said Brain. “Are you staying for supper?”
“If Moe invites me, I might stay all night.” she replied.
“Well yes. Um.” Moe squirmed. “We do have your figure, I mean, some figures to go over. Could you stay?”
“I would love to, thank you. I just have to pop out and close up the rectory.” she said heading for the door. “Chef let me in, I was dropping off some receipts.”
“Thanks. Son,” Moe said to Brain. “I’ve be trying to get up the nerve to ask her out for years. But she’s so intimidating.”
“I know what you mean.” Brain said watching Tricks walk up the stairs.
They were all in Tricks’ room for an impromptu meeting.
“Good thinking on the work thing Opie.” Tricks said. “I think from now on we mustn’t tell anyone about the treasure. Agreed?” Everyone agreed. “Good. I had a chance to study the map earlier, and I think we are looking for a box that has an exact location for the hiding place. The only problem is…let me show you.” She opened the map and put it on the bed.
“That must be where we find the direction.” Opie said pointing at the map. “Oh I see.”
“See what?” asked Brain.
“It looks like there are three pieces to this puzzle.” Opie replied reading on. “First the box, but that needs a special medallion to open it, the box will have the direction. Second is another box that’s lost. No idea what that does. Third, it says: ‘The word is pass, but you will stay till you’re 21 hey.’ Maybe if we find the box it will explain more.”
“I don’t know, but we can finish this after supper, that’s the dinner bell.” Brain said. They started to leave, just as they exiting the room Tricks stopped them.
“Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“I swear I heard someone running from this floor.”
“It was just the supper bell, maybe it was Moe, and he’s hungry.” Brain said.
“Perhaps you’re right.” She replied, but he was wrong. They made their way to the dining room. The stood at the door and looked.
“Sit, sit.” Moe said. “Sorry about the leftovers, but we were catering to an army that upped and disappeared, so everyone has to make do with leftovers.”
“Wow what a fantastic feast.” said Brain, sitting down near his new friend. He wanted to talk to him about a few ideas he had about how to run a more efficient town through the use of some incredible machines. Siege and Opie sat together and disgustingly fed each other. So Tricks joined Sister Betty
“I was warned you were coming, Tricks.” Sister Betty said.
“How? Oh of course the sistervine. Is there any way you could find out how the Swill is doing? I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but if you could let the word filter down, I would be very gratefully.”
“No need.” She replied. “Guness sent word that business is booming. I think he wants you to take more vacations.”
“He would, when I’m not there he gets to keep the tips.”
“From what I’ve heard.” Betty continued. “The customers get to spend their money on themselves.”
“Yeah, all the more reason for me to get back.” They both laughed.
“…it should have gold leaf interior, with matching horsemen in dark blue. Is Brain going to be the best man, cause if he is…” (sounds like boring wedding talk).
“I was thinking about this weapon transport thing, Moe.” Brain said so excited he wasn’t eating. “What about an amazing moving ribbon thing. Even better an incredible industrial version of the from the kitchen to the table without having a person do it machine.”
“Sounds interesting Brain.” Moe said politely. “But we don’t know where the army is going to camp.”
“That’s easy, you just set out designated areas, and then you put the incredible thing moving something machine thingy there.”
“You’re a genius Brain. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Cause I’m the genius.”
“Yes, yes.” Moe replied absentmindedly. He wasn’t thinking of Brains inventions, but the designated areas. With that they could build officers messes and staff housing, maybe even put in some restaurants. The ideas were flooding into his mind.
“So you’re going to hire me to make it for you?” Brain asked, catching Moe in the middle of a thought.
“Yes.”
“Good, when can I start?”
“What, oh dear.” Moe suddenly realized what he had done, but he wasn’t the head of the town council for nothing. “I would like you to start tomorrow, but we want it done properly. I mean there are zoning issues and stamps and all sorts of things. Including getting you an unlimited budget.” Sly old politician had Brain with the budget. “Tell you what, it shouldn’t take too long, but you go to the spa and say in two, three years max I’ll send for you.”
“Can’t wait.” Brain said, not really listening. He took a bite of turkey, and then went to find a pen and paper, he had plans to draw, not that he would have followed the plans, even if he did get the job.
That night they sat in Tricks room, with their eavesdropper at the door, not that they knew about the eavesdropper, because if they had, they probably wouldn’t have talked about the map and treasure. More likely Tricks would have done to him for real what she did to Opie for play-play in Crustation.
“What did he say about the camels?” Tricks asked Brain again. “And if you mention that he thought you were a genius again you will be swinging from the window ledge by the very short rope you keep between your legs.”
“No need to be rude Tricks.” Brain said unflustered. “It’s a well-known fact that genius are well en…”
“Put him down Tricks.” Opie had to yell. Tricks complied, but muttered something about threats being useless, unless you backed them up. “The camels Brain.”
“Okay, he said that they would be in the town square tomorrow.” Brain said. “They are sending some people and supplies out to the spa. He warned me that there are going to be some, as he put it, bent noses, whatever that means?”
“It means that the mob will be there.” Tricks replied looking thoughtful.
“What sort of mob?” Brain asked looking at his sketch, and not really paying attention.
“Mobster, like Sal Ca’pin and his buddies.” Tricks replied.
“Didn’t they try to extort you once?” Siege asked, remembering the scene. As far as she knew a mobster hadn’t set foot in the Swill since. Truth is they hadn’t been in the area since. These days the shops in the area paid their ‘protection money’ directly to the Swill by way of Guness, ok, they spent their ‘savings’ on drinks.
“Yeah, if there are a lot of them it could be a problem.” Tricks replied. “I want to keep a low profile, in and out.”
“Your idea of a low profile is killing all the witnesses.” Brain replied, started to chuckle at his joke, then thought better of it, it was too close to the truth. None of them even vaguely thought that they wouldn’t find the box.
“Don’t become a witness Brain.” Tricks thought that w
as very funny. “Cheer up, by this time tomorrow we will be rolling in treasure.”
“There is the matter of the other two clues.” Opie piped up.
“Two words, Opie. Red mackerel.”
“I think you meant herring.”
“What have herrings got to do with treasure? Wake up Opie.” Opie decided that arguing over semantics now would be a waste of time, especially with this lot.
“So we catch the camel train tomorrow.” Opie said faking a yawn. “Good, I think I’ll be off to bed. See you in the morning.” They all went to their respective bedrooms, Opie by way of Sieges.
Brain sat in his room with the incredible ribbon for moving stuff design sitting in front of him. A design that would have won him the coveted Clemville design award, but he wasn’t even looking at it. He was thinking about Tricks. He knew he had messed up somehow, but he couldn’t figure out how. He had to make it up to her. Then it struck him. Tricks loved weapons. He turned the page on his ribbon machine and started drawing. He even whistled tunelessly.
Chef sat in the kitchen. Nine town bouncers sat with him. (Town bouncers are picked from the toughest of the tough. They have to be able to hold back an army from storming the town and taking what they want for free. One look at them is enough to stop most armies from invading. They mostly spend their time chucking out drunken soldiers, ten at a time, from the various taverns.)
“So we are clear?” Chef asked. “You follow them until they find the treasure, and only then do you take them out.” The others agreed. Chef should have said that there was a riddle to the map, because these goons were not that bright, and they thought that they knew best. Chef went to bed, leaving the nine men alone.
“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” One of the no neck wonders said. “People always fight harder when they have something to protect.”
“Yeah,” replied what could be considered the first ones twin. “We should take them before they get the treasure, then, follow the map ourselves.”
“That’s a much better plan.” the near triplet said. “Do any of you recognize the girl?”
“No, but she does look familiar.” the quad replied.
“Who cares, we’re going to be rich.” said the, I don’t know what the word for a fifth identical sibling is, but whatever it is that’s who this guy is.
The Great Desert
I don’t know how many of you have ever been on a camel? They are not called the ships of the desert for nothing. (It has nothing to do with semen.) They rock like a ship in a storm, a really nasty storm that has it in for you. (Like a really vindictive storm and he just found out you slept with his wife.) Brain had trouble staying on a horse, so you can imagine how much fun he was having with the camels. They hadn’t gone very far before Brain claimed that he was quite happy to walk the rest of the way. Luckily the leader of the expedition came up with a plan. Brain was a little put out that someone else came up with a brilliant idea, but he was too sore to complain, besides he had a weapon to think about. So while the others rocked from side to side, Brain was pulled behind the camel on sledge. It was very comfortable, but the others thought they would give it a miss, as I said, it was behind the camel.
“I don’t think I trust those men.” Tricks said pulling her camel up close to Opie and Siege. Opie and Siege were riding together. Opie wasn’t holding Siege’s hand when the head count was made.
“Yeah, I overheard that the expedition leader wasn’t happy that they were coming.” Opie replied. “Apparently they are bouncers from Barock.”
“Next water stop I want Siege to get close to them, maybe find out what they’re up to.” Tricks said looking at Opie. “So no more fooling around.” They agreed, and Tricks moved off to tell Brain the situation. She chose the wrong moment to join him.
“I told you we’d need your expertise.” Opie said. “Not that anyone but me would appreciate it.”
“As long as you do, that’s enough for me,” She replied, and they had to fight the urge to cuddle.
“Maybe you should join Tricks on her camel.” Opie said after a brief silence.
“From the sound of her language I don’t think I want to.” Siege replied, they both turned and chuckled. “At least they have something in common.”
“Yeah.” Opie laughed. “Sorry about the other night. I really tried, but Brain just wouldn’t get into the chariot.”
“No, I’m sorry that I was so cross with you.” They had to fight the urge again. “Maybe I should ride with Tricks. At this rate I’ll be visible for months.” Luckily it wasn’t far to the first oasis. (When I say lucky I mean someone, and you all know who, was playing with string again.)
“That was quicker than I expected.” said the expedition leader, scratching his head. “Half an hour everyone, we normally eat lunch here, but as we’re making such good time we should be quick.” Everyone had to water his or her camels first. The expedition leader (Now known as Red, because he spent so much time in the sun) had to help Brain, his camel thought it would be fun to see if he could drown his freeloader. (We’ll deal with Siege’s infiltration first, even though it happened after the Tricks and Brain incident, which we’ll come back to.)
Siege
“Be careful my love.” Opie said as Siege made her way towards where the bouncers sat drinking wine. “Just scream if you get into trouble.”
“I will my love.” She sneaked as quietly as she could, even though it was unlikely anyone would notice her. She sat a short distance from the men. (Now called one, two, three, etc.) Back before she started being visible she would have sat right in the middle of the group, as it was, she was still able to get the wine off the group, which caused a minor disagreement so we won’t be bothering to use the number six from now on.
“Are we all clear on the plan?” said number one.
“What?” Asked number four just back from digging a hole under a very happy palm tree.
“The plan.”
“Oh good.” said number four (The number will now be assumed.) “So we have a plan.”
“Yes, will someone explain it to him please.” said one. (By one I don’t mean some arbitrary one of the group, maybe I should have given them names, oh well, too late now.)
“The basic plan is to kill them and take the map.” said two. (Much better, it’s the whole one thing that’s confusing. New plan six is okay and one in now fertilizer.)
“Good plan.” said four, “But which of us will get to do the killing.”
“I thought we could draw straws.” said three.
“Where the ones who draw the best picture gets to do the killing, what was that giggle?” Siege had to hold her hand over her mouth.
“Maybe it’s the ghost of one.” Seven said.
“Jaun who?” It was too much for Siege, she ran into the desert and let rip. Opie who had been watching joined her, and between gales of laughter got the just of the story. After Siege had calmed down enough she made her way back to the men.
“So that’s settled.” said nine. “Two, three and four will kill the map holders and the rest of us will kill the rest of the camel train.”
“When are we going to do the killing?” asked six.
“Good point.” replied nine. “Any ideas eight?”
“It should be out in the desert, somewhere where it will look like an accident.” replied eight.
“I think I know the perfect place.” replied six. “Ambush valley.”
“Good, then that’s settled. Where exactly is ambush valley?”
“It’s hard to miss; it’s the only valley we go through in this sea of sand. Is still a few hours away.” answered six. “Just in case you miss the signs I’ll signal with a trumpet.”
“Sounds good, um, where did you get a trumpet from?” Two asked.
“You said I should pack my instruments of destruction, and I couldn’t think of anything worse than a trumpet.”
“What?”
“I read somewhere that they can bring down
the walls of great cities.”
“Only if you march around them.”
“Maybe I could march around the camel train.”
“I think that would give the plan away. Save the trumpet for signalling, and use your sword for fighting.”
“I didn’t bring a sword.” This resulted in another happy palm tree. (I can safely say six won’t be resurrected again.)
“Can one of you play the trumpet?” Nine asked.
“One’s dead, but I can play.” replied two. Siege made her escape and told the others about the number gang’s plans.
“What’s up with you two?” she asked Tricks and Brain, but neither of them answered.
Tricks and Brain
We go back a little in time for this bit. It does contain full frontal nudity, so if you are under sixteen please read this bit with your eyes closed.
Tricks was not happy with Brain’s camel. She reeked, and if someone hadn’t played with the strings of time, she would have done the numbers gang’s job for them in regards to Brain, who thought the situation was too funny for words.
“I swear Brain if you don’t shut up, I’ll turn you into vulture food.” But of course he couldn’t. Tricks had almost decided to carry out her threat when the oasis appeared. “You’re one lucky man.” she said and went to find a secluded place to clean up. As the camel had messed on her clothes as well, she walked into the water fully clothed. After spending a few minutes wallowing in the cool water she decided she should undress and have a proper bath. Brain had the same idea, but being a guy he was a lot quicker in his washing. He put his wet clothes on a bush to dry and started heading back to camp, only halfway there did he realize that he was butt naked. He turned around, but picked the wrong pool. At this point Tricks was emerging and neither of them saw the other until they were a few feet apart.
“Turn around Brain.” she said when she saw him. She was standing in ankle deep water at the time.
“I can’t.” Brain replied looking directly at her. “I think I’m paralyzed.”
“Then close your eyes.” Tricks made no effort to cover herself, and was starting to enjoy the scene.
“They don’t seem to work.” Brain replied, they were clearly working as they made their way down her belly.
“At least something seems to be working.” Tricks said with a chuckle, looking at his groin. “Water a bit cold.”
“You really know how to deflate a man.” he replied turning to go find his clothes.
“I’m sorry Brain, were you inflated?”
“At least I’m not fat.” he shouted back. He didn’t mean it, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“It’s called muscle.” She shouted, but like most woman she thought she carried a little extra baggage. She looked down at her near perfect body. “Bastard.” was all she said.
Okay, you can open your eyes now.
The Great Desert
The unease that Tricks and Brain felt towards each other evaporated with the news that they were going to be attacked. They knew they were out manned, even with Tricks on their side it would be a harsh battle.
“If only three of them are going to attack us we should be fine.” Tricks said. “You and Opie take one and I’ll take the other two.” she said to Brain. “Hell Siege could even crossbow one of them.”
“That’s not the problem.” Brain said, Siege and Opie let the two of them talk, as neither of them had much experience in this sort of thing. “I’m worried about the other four. They’ll cut this train to pieces. The rest of the group are cooks and sisters, for the gods sakes.”
“We could use them as a distraction,” Tricks replied, only concerned with her little group’s survival. “Once we’ve dispatched our attackers, the other four will be so busy killing the other people we can easily get them.”
“It won’t work. We need the people, at least Red to get to the spa.”
“You’re right.” Tricks replied. “They will probably take him out first, he looks like the only one that will put up a fight.”
“If we could protect Red the plan might work.” Brain said. “How many men do you think will go after him?”
“If the rest of their plan is one each, we can assume it will be one guy.” Tricks answered.
“Yeah, so we put Siege on his camel…off the sledge.” All three jumped off the sledge. “Close! I’m starting to know when he’s about to let one rip.” They climbed back on the sledge. They had decided that all four of them should be together, so they had harnessed up the other two camels. “Like I was saying. We put Siege with a crossbow on Red’s camel, they won’t see her and that will protect him at least. Do you really think you can take two of them?” Brain asked Tricks.
“No problem, but it will take some time.” She answered. “But we will probably lose the rest of the people.”
“No.” said Siege. “We must save them all.”
“Sorry Siege.” Tricks said. “I don’t think that’s possible with these odds.”
“Then change the odds.”
“Not a bad idea.” Tricks said suddenly getting excited. “If I kill off the ones that are going to attack the rest of the people, we won’t have to worry about them.”
“It will never work.” Brain said. “They might be stupid, but they seem well organized. If we kill one of them they will just start the attack earlier.”
“He’s right Siege, we can’t save them.”
“Then you’re going to have to find away.”
“There’s no way.” Tricks said getting cross. “Just stick to our plan and we’ll be fine.”
“If you don’t find a way to at least try and save everyone,” Siege said, being the most forceful she had ever been. “I won’t protect Red and you can all wonder the desert till you die.” she said hoping they wouldn’t call her bluff.
“If you feel that strongly.” Tricks replied. “We better come up with a new idea.”
“Okay.” said Brain. “Let’s forget about the plan for now. How much time do we have?”
“The man said a few hours.”
“Good. What weapons do we have?” Brain asked, he decided to only mention the weapons he had that would actually kill someone. “I’ve got my long sword, short sword and knife. Tricks?”
“My two handed sword, a long sword, two throwing knifes and a stiletto.”
“Crossbow, scimitar and knife.” Opie said.
“Crossbow, knife and a stiletto.” The others looked at Siege when she said stiletto, she just shrugged her shoulders. “A girl has to protect herself.”
“Two crossbows.” Brain said thoughtfully. “How many bolts?”
“It takes too long to reload.” Tricks replied. “They’ll go for anyone with a crossbow first.”
“True.” replied Brain. “I wonder what Red’s packing?”
“I checked him out earlier.” Tricks said. “He only has a long bow and a knife. He said that the biggest problem in the desert are the scavengers, and you could see them coming for miles.”
“In this sort of fight a long bow would be useless, unless we can buy him some time.” Brain said. “What we need to do is get them all to attack us. Siege and Red could pick off three or four from a distance, and the rest we could clean up. If only we could get them to only attack us.”
“I think I can help you there.” Opie finally said.
“How?” The others asked.
“Tell me Brain?” Opie asked. “How many people would you send to fight Tricks?”
“Of course.” Tricks and Brain said together. Brain continued “If they know who you are, they would send everyone, if they attack at all. Nice one Opie.”
“Thanks, but we will have to let them know, without them suspecting we know their plan. Then we will have to find out if they have changed their plan. Did I say that right?”
“We got the just of it. Siege are you ready for some more spying?”
“Show me the way, and thanks, I didn’t mean to be mean earlier, but
I couldn’t let those people die.” They put the plan into action. Tricks, Opie and Siege rode up to the number gang and while Opie was introducing his best friend Tricks of Clemville to the gang, Siege slipped onto one of the camels. Tricks and Opie returned to Brain. They were ready to attack if Opie spotted Siege give the signal that she was in trouble. Shortly she slipped off the camel and joined them.
“They have fallen for it.” she said when she was back on the sledge. “They thought that they recognized you Tricks, but they weren’t sure. Six of them will attack you, but one of them is still going for Red.”
“Opie you go with Siege,” Tricks said. “Make her visible and explain the situation. When the man attacks you, shoot him from a distance, that should also draw another man away from our attack. Only shoot the second man when he gets very close. Take my short sword, in case any of the others see you shooting. Reload and take out as many as you can, with Reds help on the long bow. After the initial charge we will try and lead them away from the others. Ready, let’s do this. Remember a battle plan doesn’t survive contact with the enemy, so keep it fluid.” After the other two had gone Tricks turned to Brain. “You’re going to have to ride the camel. I have a bad feeling about Red, I think he’s going to panic.”
“No way Tricks.” he said. “I’ll fall off and you and Opie will be alone.”
“That’s what I was afraid of. Do you think you could take one of them from the ground?”
“If I take his camel out.”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t say that, bad Karma.” Tricks said.
“I don’t believe in Karma.” Brain replied. “Not when it comes to saving my friends.”
“Okay, take my double handed sword and give me your long sword. Try taking out two camels; hopefully I’ll be able to dispatch my two guys before you need help. The only problem is Opie. I don’t think he can stand up to a full charge with one of those guys.”
“I was thinking, we could give him one of the poles from my sledge. He could use it as a lance.”
“Brilliant. Now all we have to do is get it on his camel without them seeing.” Opie returned. “Everything going alright?”
“Fine, but I’m a bit worried about Red, he looked panicked.” Opie said. “Siege is in place and ready to go.”
“Opie have you ever used a lance?”
“No.”
“Want to learn?” They explained the principle to him. Then told him the best way to practice was in the heat of battle. He didn’t look convinced.
They noticed the valley and prepared the ambush. The number gang waited until everyone was in the valley and as the trumpet sounded, charged. As a lot of things were happening at once, I’ll break it down into segments.
One man, I think he was Five, charged at Red and Siege. He was surprised to find an arrow in his chest. The man next to him, Three, thought that Red had somehow fired the arrow and went charging after him. Siege was waiting for the man to get close, but Red made a break for it.
The other five men charged at Tricks, she and Opie charged back. The front two men suddenly found themselves sprawling to the floor. When it became clear that the attack was about to commence. Brain had moved closer to the group. He had used the animal skins from his sledge as camouflage. They ran at him at full gallop, but didn’t see him. Eight was knocked unconscious by the fall, but Nine jumped up and was ready to face Brain. Not used to the two handed sword, Brain was in a little trouble. He swung the heavy weapon at his opponent, holding him at bay, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold him off for long.
Opie charged straight at his mark, Two. At the last second he revealed that he had a lance. It was too late for Two to turn. He rode right into the sharp point of Opie’s make shift lance. The lance shattered on contact. Opie drew his sword and headed after Siege and the runaway Red.
Tricks sliced the first of her targets, Seven, in half and ducked under the blow from Four. She had to wheel her camel, no easy feat, but Four had had enough. He could see all his fallen comrades, and wanted no part of it. He raced off into the desert. Tricks was about to give chase, but Brain called her. She made short work of Nine, and Brain plunged his sword into a newly revived Eight.
Red stopped his camel and turned to face the charging Three. He started to draw his bow, knowing that he didn’t stand a chance of firing it, when Siege pulled the trigger on her crossbow.
“I forgot about you.” he said to Siege as they made their way back. “I was trying to get a bit of distance between him and me so I could shoot.”
“Forget it.” Siege said. “Everyone does.” They left the bodies to the scavengers and continued on their way.
“What about the one that got away?” Tricks asked Red when they stopped for lunch.
“I wouldn’t worry about him.” Red said. “If the desert doesn’t get him, I’ll make sure everyone in Barock knows what type of man he is, they’ll hang him for sure, if he’s stupid enough to go back.”
“Once again, I’m really sorry about the two camels.”
“Like I said before, better them than this whole train.”
They continued on to the spa, not knowing that there was a worse battle coming, and it wasn’t against easy to dispatch bouncers. They were heading straight into a fight with the mob, all six families.