Norman Hogsbottom, the man, the boss, the supplier of plugs, is what the sign on my desk states. That’s right, I sell plugs. However, being all of these things doesn’t mean a man doesn’t need to stay fit. I bought these running shorts after seeing the London marathon on TV. I found myself telling the office junior, Sandy, that I had already signed up and been accepted for next year’s. I’m not sure what I was thinking; at the time I’d not run since I was at boarding school during shower time with Dirty McWandery hands, the games teacher.
These shorts seem to be what all the runners wear so I bought a pair. The date was set, I was going to go running one evening after everyone had gone home. I brought a honey sandwich from home for energy. I read that honey is good for that. Well, actually I read that bananas were good, but I don’t really like them. I like honey though, so that was what was in the sandwich.
Once all my employees had left I changed into my shorts and navy singlet, wolfed down the honey sandwich, strapped on my Hi-Tec silver running shoes and headed out into the summer night.
I did fairly well, making it across the road and onto the tow path, only resting when walking down the stairway to it, then I headed off again. The lack of air poleaxed me about thirty seconds after that. Checking my watch I saw I’d been out the office for four minutes, which is embarrassing by anyone’s standards. I decided it would be a good idea to walk and even ignored the taunts of ‘Jimmy Savile’ from the kids on the other side of the canal.
As I was walking, that’s when it happened. All of a sudden I felt this stinging, burning pain on my pee-pee. It must have slipped out. The pain was worse than when I caught an STD in the navy. I thought I’d been shot for a second, then felt the wasp flying about in my shorts. Started thumping at my shorts trying to get the wasp out. This caused me some discomfort but it was the kind that gets worse over time, so when I was violently hitting myself in the groin area I wasn’t feeling the physical pain of anything other than the wasp sting. The punching didn’t seem to work so I went for the grabbing method; however, that did bring on instant tennis ball pain. The pain was starting to affect my balance, I was going light-headed in the way I have done before when I’ve fainted. Try as I might, I just couldn’t get the wasp out. I began to panic. I could hear the kids laughing from the other side and I think I finally managed to get the wasp out before I slipped and toppled into the canal. That brought me to from the pain coma I seemed to have slipped into. Scrambling out, I’m sure I clambered over a dead sheep. It was the worst experience of my life.
I think it is partly to do with how short these shorts are and partly because I’m a messy eater when it comes to honey sandwiches.
My advice if you buy these shorts: if you’re using them for running and not just sitting about the office (which is what I use them for now) then don’t eat honey sandwiches in a messy fashion before you go out. The shorts are just too short. There is no way you can avoid any honey falling onto your pee-pee. Well, that’s my experience, anyway.