“You make me feel so good, tesoro. The way you take whatever I give you. I know we’ve had a rough stretch here, but I think you have to taste the bitter to get to the sweet. Give me your sweet now.”
I close my eyes and shut out Nico’s voice.
For all the times I keep Soti alive in my mind when I’m alone, I can’t think of him when Nico is inside me. I won’t give Nico that honor. I go through the motions like the good little whore he thinks I am and afterward, he spoons me. His hands touch my stomach and I want to pretend they’re Soti’s hands, but I don’t deserve that honor. Nico props his head on his hand, his chest still against my back.
I feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine closed. The baby stirs and his hands press against the movement.
“Oh, such a wonder. A new life in the world … it’s like everything suddenly makes sense. That baby in there is going to change everything, tesoro. A new beginning…” His voice trails off, as his hands explore my stomach, waiting for more kicks. He keeps talking softly and when both the baby and I are still for a while, he eventually stops. “Sleep well, mia piccola puttana. I hope you dream of me tonight.” He plants another kiss against my hair and gets up, closing the door quietly behind him.
Either he’s a brilliant pretender, or he’s convinced himself we’re a loving family. He still doesn’t trust me enough to fall asleep with me, which says a lot. I’m also not crazy enough to think the danger isn’t just below the surface, but the kinder version of Nico has been much easier to deal with than the beast I’ve witnessed. His tone and touch have been sweet. I guess I should be grateful for that.
The knife isn’t aimed at me anymore, but it’s never far. I haven’t tried to take it, so he’s become more relaxed with it. He places it on the pillow next to us sometimes, or even on the nightstand … usually those times when my rage is a physical presence in our bed. After he uses me, he stays and talks to me and the baby until I fall asleep. He shows his vulnerability during those times, but I know it’s also his way of trying to break me down. In reality, I’m numb and usually tune out every word. It makes my stomach turn to know my baby will know his voice.
He doesn’t trust me, because he still keeps me locked inside.
I had a rough time a couple weeks ago—it would have been my first anniversary with Soti. I had another crying jag. For days. Dr. Bryson came every day for two weeks. They didn’t know what to do with me. Eventually I dried up, and once again, my hormones were blamed. Fortunately for me, a broken heart cannot be diagnosed.
Dr. Bryson has examined me every few weeks since I took the pregnancy test. He thought I was nearly eight weeks then. He does ultrasounds regularly, and they are the highlight of my life. I’m thirty-five weeks and my baby is doing well.
I was right—it’s a girl.
Every day consists of an eerie juxtaposition: maintaining a bubble of calm around me and the baby, and imagining a way out of here. The bubble is bursting more and more. The further along I get, the harder it gets to feel calm. I have too much time in my head, and the little time I’m with anyone it’s with a psycho … I’m drowning here. I’ve learned next to nothing about what lies outside this room.
I do know a few things now, though … it helps to be next to his room. I hear more this way.
My mom has been here several times, but she doesn’t come to see me. It’s for the best. I can’t begin to imagine what I’d do to her, but sometimes I dream of killing her. I hope I wouldn’t, but I don’t view her as a mother anymore. And now that I’m going to be a mother myself, I reject Alexis even more. This was their plan for me all along, to have Nico’s baby. Kell and Nico must have been blackmailing Bentley and got my mother involved to get Maison D’amour. What I don’t know is why Nico wanted me to have his baby when he could get anyone to do that. I guess the reason doesn’t really matter.
When the baby started kicking, it broke through some of my fog. She jostles my senses with each little kick. The more she moves, the more I vow to her that I will get her out of here.
Nico never tells me ahead of time when he’s going out of town on business, but I know he’s gone if he doesn’t come to my room that night. The next day, he visits earlier, stays longer, and usually has some sort of gift for the baby from wherever he’s been. It happens once every week, but not a specific day. I don’t hear his guards when he’s gone. They’re typically quiet but talk back and forth when they’re around. When they all leave the house, occasionally I hear Louise and Cal, but mostly it’s just me and the crickets.
It’s a good day. Dr. Bryson visited earlier and I managed to swipe the reflex hammer out of his bag when he wasn’t looking. It has a triangular rubber head, but the handle’s end is pointy, so it has possibilities.
I haven’t figured out Dr. Bryson. He’s the only employee around here who has been kind. An elderly man; he looks like a nice grandfather, nothing like the sort of man I’d expect Nico to hire. Since he knows I’m being kept here against my will, he’s only playing the part, but it’s a lie I need to keep believing. I need to believe someone is going to keep my baby safe.
He thinks I’m in “tip-top shape” and tells me to keep exercising every day. What he’s really saying is that I need to stay in shape so I can deliver a baby in this prison.
I have to get out of here.
Two days later, it’s long past dark and Nico hasn’t shown up. Typically he shows up before sunset. I listen for any signs of him or his guards in the house. All is quiet. My heart skips ahead. This might be it.
It’s going to be impossible for me to be as quick as I want. I’m huge, and regardless of what Dr. Bryson said, I’m not in great shape. I’ve tried to stay as fit as I can, but after being holed up in a room for so long, I’m cumbersome. I’m counting on my determination to make up the difference. It has to. The timing is critical.
I keep the reflex hammer by me and wait. When Louise comes in I’m ready.
“Puis-je vous apporter quelque chose avant le coucher, madame Santelli?”
“Yes. You know what I’d like more than anything, Louise?” I startle her by saying her name. I’ve never said it.
She shakes her head and looks at me suspiciously.
“I’d love to go outside for a bit of fresh air … can you take me outside tonight?”
She shakes her head harder, looking away as she says, “Non.”
“Please! I need to feel the breeze on my face. It’s been so long. Just…”
“Non. Parlez à M. Santelli quand il reviendra. Je ne peux pas.”
So he is gone.
“You could let me go outside for a little while … I know you could.”
She turns away from me and walks toward the door. I move quietly behind her and jab the pointy end of the reflex hammer into her neck.
She screams.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whisper, as I jab, jab, jab. “I hoped you’d help me, but you really are heartless.”
She falls forward and then turns quickly, stretching her hands around my neck and squeezing, while I stab her harder. She knocks the hammer out of my hands and I stumble, but quickly catch myself by grabbing her arm. I knee her hard in the groin and bend down to get the hammer. She tries to rush out the door, but I bang her head into the wall. Hard. She goes down on the fourth strike.
I don’t wait around to see how long she stays down. I get out of the room and take in the house while I hurry through the halls. It’s dark and there are mostly closed doors. I pass one that’s open and barely stop to see what’s in there, too intent on getting out. Carefully moving down the stairs, I find the living room with a wall of windows that faces the lit water. Beyond a closed door to the left is a sound coming from what must be the kitchen. I wonder if it’s Cal or more staff. I don’t stick around long enough to find out. I rush to the door leading out to the deck and open it. I have to do it all the right way so no harm comes to Soti. I should have planned better than this, but I saw my chance and I took it.
> The breeze feels divine. I want to close my eyes and soak it in, but I can’t afford to waste a minute. The lights are bright enough to see the stairs leading down to the water. I rush down them, high on adrenaline and pure fear.
I rush down the steps and run along the back of the house. Water, nothing but water. When I reach the end of the house, I turn and make my way along the side of the house. The lamps aren’t lighting the area as much on this side. The front of the house is the same, but I can see lights in the distance. I feel the first flicker of hope and breathe through the rush it gives me.
I should have tried in the daylight, even with the risks. Taking another gulp of the fresh air, I turn and run toward the road. I’m about ten steps onto the street when an arm squeezes around my neck from behind.
“I’ll let Nico decide on how to punish you. But you try what you did with Louise on me, I’ll put a bullet through your head. You understand?”
“Yes,” I choke out.
I feel the gun on my back as Cal twists me around and walks me back toward the house.
I stop walking and he runs into me.
“You kill me and Nico will never let you survive. Let me go and you have a chance.”
“You have a point there.” He jams the gun into my back. “So let’s get you back safe and sound in your room.”
Louise and Cal have said more to me tonight than the whole time I’ve been here.
I slam my head back against Cal’s and it surprises him. He loosens his grip enough for me to turn around and knee him. He grunts and drops his gun then scrambles to reach it, but I beat him to it. He rushes forward and I shoot his leg. Blood spurts out and my stomach heaves. Cal yells and stumbles but keeps moving toward me. I shoot again and turn around in time to see another man coming out of the house. He has a gun but hasn’t seen me yet. I keep the gun trained on him. He sees Cal groaning on the ground and looks up. He lifts his hands and drops his gun.
I see the conflict in his eyes as I keep backing up. Nico will kill him if I’m hurt, and I will make sure he suffers if he doesn’t let me go.
Even though he’s set his gun down, he doesn’t stop advancing.
“Stop right there.” My voice shakes, but my hand is steady.
“Kill the bitch, Andy,” Cal groans, reaching for his pocket.
Andy is fast but not fast enough. He pulls another gun out and shoots Cal’s hand as I shoot him. He goes down and I don’t stop to see the damage. I run.
Chapter Twenty-Four
SOTI
Even the mustard seed is gone.
I’ve barely managed to stay sober, came this close to losing the fight after seeing Lili all those months ago, and again on our non-anniversary. I’ve never wanted a drink more. I bought a bottle of whiskey and divided my time staring at a poured glass and our wedding picture. I know I’m pathetic, but I can’t shake it. For years I searched for her and it wasn’t enough that I finally found her—the miracle was that we had a life beyond what I could’ve ever dreamed of. It must not have been real. She didn’t mean it, but gamoto, she sure fooled me.
I have to remind myself that I’m the one who forced it to be a relationship; otherwise, I’m deluded thinking she was ever here to stay.
When it first sunk in that she was married to Nico and having his baby, the first thought I had was: He won. The second thought was: He tricked her. And the third thought was: I have to find her and get to the bottom of what happened.
But days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and not only did I not find her, but she never reached out to me, never showed up at another one of my events, didn’t give me a single thing to go on. And if what he insinuated is true and she’s having his baby, what kind of man am I to get in the way of that? I have to hold onto some morals and dignity. Right?
After not sleeping the past few nights, I’m ready to do anything to get Lili out of my system. I almost call Stella but stop myself. She showed up at the community center about eight months ago and has volunteered occasionally since then. We were hanging out more before we saw Nico and Lili together. About a month ago, she let me know she has feelings for me and will be here when I’m ready to move on. She’s beautiful and part of me thinks I’m stupid to not give her a chance, but besides not being ready yet, the fact that she’s Nico’s ex doesn’t sit well with me … one that cried when she saw him again, at that. She claims she’s over him, but there’s really only one wife of his that I want. I push the pain in my chest over the fact that the wife I’m thinking of isn’t mine anymore. I’d best remember it. Being involved with one of his exes is enough. I could use a friend, though—someone like her who has been through a lot and understands. I just don’t want to hurt her.
A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts. Everyone has been worried sick about me. I see it in their faces and feel terrible that I can’t snap out of this for them.
JT walks in before I reach the door.
“Get ready, man. There are some charbroiled oysters with your name on them,” he says.
I rub my eyes. “Not tonight, JT. I’m exhausted and not the best company.”
“You haven’t been the best company for a long time, but I remember when you were like no other, so I’m hanging in there, hoping you’ll come back,” he says.
I put my hand on his shoulder. “You’ve been carrying me too long. I’m supposed to be the one carrying you.”
“None of that crazy talk tonight. You might be an old man compared to me, but I’ve got the brains right now, so listen up. We are going out tonight. You are getting out of this crappy apartment. And we are going to have some fun. Call Stella while you’re at it.”
I groan. “When did you start channeling Miss Jez’s bossiness?” I ask.
He bops me on the back of the head the way I used to always nail him and I glare.
“Since you became the loser asshole who lost his way. Now get ready. Maria is going to beat us there and she will not be happy with me if I’m late. I will make you pay if she’s angry.” He points to my bedroom. “Go.”
I shave and put on a nice shirt. My hair is past my shoulders and I hear Lili telling me I look like Drogo. I should probably cut it, but she didn’t seem to mind Drogo. If she comes back, would she like it this long? I groan. That settles it. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. But for tonight, I put it in a man bun for the first and only time ever. I look in the mirror and cross my eyes. Who gives a shit what Lili would think? She’s not here.
JT is in the refrigerator when I come out. “You gotta get some groceries, man. You’re gonna lose your bulk. Can’t get all skinny ass on me, now…”
I pat my biceps and grin. “Don’t you worry. This won’t go anywhere. I can still whip you when I need to.”
He laughs. “I wouldn’t count on that. The way you’ve moped around here and gotten all nooty-headed … I could take you one-handed.”
I laugh. “What does nooty-headed even mean?”
“Whatever the hell you’ve been. You ready?”
We get to Drago’s and Maria and Stella are waiting in a booth. I glare at JT, but he ignores me. I’ve been around Maria a lot the last few months and like her. She’s good for JT. She’s never hung out with Stella before, though, and the air is tense between them. JT gives me a look before we sit down and I want to tell him it serves him right for sabotaging me. I hate setups, but I push it aside and decide to make the best of it.
“Hey, handsome,” Stella purrs and kisses my cheek.
The woman is sexy as hell, I’m not the first to notice that. The night gets more comfortable. Whatever was going on with the girls before we got there eases and we have a good time. Stella’s easy to be around, funny and charming, and on paper, she’s everything I should want in a woman. I try to stay in the moment and not compare her to Lili, and I succeed more than usual. At the end of the night, JT and Maria leave and Stella and I linger outside.
“I had a good time tonight,” I tell her. “We should do it again. I’ve missed
hanging out with you.”
She lights up and I instantly wonder if I’ve made a mistake, but I forge on. Her fingers feel nice on my chest and she smiles up at me. Standing on her tiptoes, she places a feather-soft kiss on my lips.
“Anytime,” she says.
I’m ready to be sane again, and if that means moving on, I need to. I want to. That’s a lie. I don’t want to, but I think I have to. Moving on doesn’t mean getting into another relationship, though.
“I’m not over her, Stella, and I don’t think I ever will be. I need a friend. That’s it.”
She deflates right before my eyes and I put my hand on her shoulder then drop it quickly.
“I can do that,” she says. She takes a deep breath and smiles.
“You sure?”
“Positive. I don’t want to lose you and I’m still willing to wait and … see what happens.”
I shake my head and suppress the urge to argue with her. I decide to focus on our friendship instead of any feelings she might think she has. We set a time for me to pick her up on Sunday and she offers to drive me back to the community center, but I opt for walking back.