***
“They were murdered at our house. I was at football practice and Van was at dance class. I finished practice and went home to get something to eat before I went to pick up Van. That’s when I found them,” I say, the words tumbling out of their own accord now. Aside from Van and the police, I haven’t talked about that day to anyone. I haven’t even been back to the house.
I don’t look at Ivy. I know all I’ll see in her face is pity, so I keep my eyes down. If I could close my ears to her voice as well, I would. For so long after it happened, it was all anyone could talk about when they saw me. Not all of the words were ones of condolences. Not after what had already happened with Lisa. Those other kinds of comments are the ones I fear will come from Ivy. When she does speak, her question surprises me.
“Zander, would you consider this a date?”
Looking up at her, I see only seriousness on her face. “What?”
“I know we didn’t come together, but we planned on hanging out after the game. Does this count as a date?” she asks again.
Not sure whether she’s trying to distract me, or if this is somehow related to what I told her, I shrug helplessly. “Uh, I guess so. I’ve been thinking of it as a date all week.”
“If this is a date… then I get a question, right?”
My stomach drops, my body tightens, and dread fills me from the tips of my hair to my toenails. Whatever she asks, I promised I would answer. The single word slips from my mouth unwillingly. “Right.”
Ivy hesitates. Her eyes dart around before settling on me. She looks nervous, but her curiosity and concern are too much for her. “Why is Oscar in a mental hospital?”
Van told me Ivy knew about Oscar, but not why he was being held. After what I just told her, I guess she doesn’t need to be told anymore. Closing my eyes to the inevitability of her reaction, I force myself to give her an honest answer.
“Oscar was very unstable at the end. He didn’t know what he was doing.”
“He’s the one who killed them?” Ivy asks quietly.
I nod, but can’t utter the actual words.
When everyone in school heard what had happened, it was unbearable to walk down the halls. Van handled it her way, and I handled it mine. Van’s way landed her in the principal’s office more times than I can remember. Mine pushed everyone away. I had learned my lesson by then. Lisa hadn’t let me push her away when my hunger first erupted, and she paid for it. After my parents died, I promised myself I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
My eyes close when Ivy doesn’t respond. What else could I have expected? Of course she’s smart enough to realize I’m just as dangerous as Oscar. My body turns away from her in a futile attempt to spare myself from her reaction.
There is a moment where I can’t feel Ivy anywhere near me. So when her fingers rest against my cheek, it startles me enough to make me look up, hungry and frightened.
“I’m not afraid of you, Zander,” Ivy says quietly.
I stumble back. “Maybe you should be.”
Ivy takes a step back, but makes no move to get any farther away from me. She drops her arms to her sides and looks at me without moving. Ten, fifteen seconds go by before I give up and ask, “Ivy, what are you doing?”
“I’m looking at you.”
“Why?”
“I’m trying to see this scary person you think is inside you, but I can’t find him. All I see is you, Zander. You’re not your brother. You aren’t going to turn into him,” she says.
“You don’t know that for sure. I don’t know that,” I argue.
Ivy steps toward me, closing the distance between us to mere inches and setting my hunger on fire. “You’ve had plenty of opportunities to hurt me, but you haven’t.”
“Yes I have,” I say as my fingers hover over her arm where the bruises I gave her have finally faded.
“You didn’t mean to do that. It was an accident.”
That word sends a jolt through me. An accident. It was an accident. Her lifeless eyes stare up at me, her mouth open in a silent plea. I can’t stop seeing her. I close my eyes against the sight, but she follows me inside my head, silent and accusing. I can never get rid of her. The heels of my hands press into my eye sockets. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it.
“Zander? Zander, are you okay?”
Ivy’s voice pricks my bubble of torment and sends it skittering away on the sound wave. It doesn’t go far, though, only back into the recesses of my memory that will never be deep enough to keep it buried.
“Zander, what’s wrong?” Ivy begs.
“Nothing.” A shiver runs through my body as the last hint of her image fades away.
“Did I say something that upset you? I’m sorry I brought up your family. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Ivy says.
I shake my head and struggle to regain control. “No, it wasn’t my family. It was nothing. Just forget it, okay?”
“It wasn’t your family?” Ivy’s pleading expression is hard to resist, but I don’t answer her. She looks at me, a mixture of compassion and need to know filling her expression. “What else happened to you?”
My arms cross over my chest. A single step back drops an invisible wall between us. I try to keep my voice normal when I speak, but I fail. “No more questions, Ivy.”
The hard edge to my words makes her chin fall. I can’t puzzle out her expression well enough to know whether it is in disappointment, hurt, or something else. It kills me to refuse Ivy anything, but I can’t talk about Lisa. Not now, not ever. That is one secret I plan on taking with me to Hell.