22. DAY FOUR: REGRETS
Dax
Women are harder to read than a map in the dark. One minute, Ava’s telling me to throw the briefcase back in the ocean and now, she’s carrying it to the castle like it contains the secret to the universe. Whatever. I’m sure as hell not going to try and figure that one out.
I almost got busted with her journal in hand but luckily, I heard someone coming and shoved it in my pocket the second before she stormed into the kitchen hut demanding we leave. Before the interruption, I was reading all about her weekend in Catalina Island with Preston, who spared no expense trying to create the perfect birthday getaway. It’s not like he needed to impress her; he already had her wrapped around his manicured finger.
“What happened to your hand?” Ava asks quietly.
It takes me a second to catch up to the present.
“I hit a tree.”
She’s quiet long enough for me to notice the rhythmic sound of her feet crunching through the overgrowth. I really need to teach her to walk quieter.
“Why would you do that?”
I glance back at her feet and wonder if now is the perfect time for that lesson. The last thing I need is to draw attention and have someone follow us to the castle. Getting scolded by Chief Anwai isn’t on my list of things to do today.
“I was mad. Here, let me carry the briefcase for a while,” I offer, turning to hold out my other hand.
She doesn’t hesitate to hand it over, but the distraction didn’t work. Now both of her hands are caressing my swollen, scabbed-over knuckles.
“Because I wouldn’t let you open the case?” she asks.
“No. It’s not that.” I turn my head and assure her with a smile, but it doesn’t erase the worry creasing her brow. At least her steps are softer behind me. The briefcase must have thrown off her balance. “I was just frustrated and mad that—I can’t protect you from everything.”
“What? But you have. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you.”
“Yeah but I wasn’t around before to protect you from mystery people who wanted you dead. I’m just lucky they didn’t succeed.”
She’s quiet for a minute, and then she says, “You shouldn’t be mad about that. I had Preston to protect me then.”
I bite my cheek so hard I can taste blood. Is she serious? I can’t stop myself from protesting. “What did he do to protect you exactly? I’m just curious, because it seems he should have helped you figure out who was sending the notes and following you.”
I brace myself for the shrapnel of angry words I expect to come flying at my back, but instead she answers in a meek voice.
“You’re right. But it’s probably my fault. I didn’t want to worry him, so I didn’t let on how frightened I was. I guess he didn’t think I was in danger.”
Irritation has caused me to pick up speed, and she’s struggling to keep up. I take a deep breath and force myself to slow down.
“Well, it doesn’t matter now. The damage is done. We don’t get mail here and I haven’t seen any black Mercedes on the island, so as long as I can keep you from getting captured by the Lambai tribe or being bit by poisonous snakes, you should be reasonably safe.”
I take three more steps before she pulls me to a stop and jerks her hand from mine. Setting the briefcase down, I turn with my hands up in surrender. Smooth, Dax. Now she’s giving me a look that might actually set me on fire.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sure Preston thought he was doing everything he could. Just forget that I—”
“I never told you it was a black Mercedes.”
My heart jolts at her words and sets off an explosion of curse words inside my head. How could I be so stupid? If I lie, she may never trust me again, and if I tell her the truth, she might take off running into the woods. I vote to take the fifth, but she won’t allow it.
“Well? How did you know?”
I open my mouth to tell her, but now confusion slides over her face and her mouth drops open before she says, “Wait. Is this some kind of sick joke? Are you—are you a friend of his? Where is he?” Her voice is laced with anger, and she takes a step towards me to wait for my response.
“What? Who?”
“Preston. Where is he?” Her eyes fill with tears. “I will never forgive him for this. I know that I’m gullible, naïve, and obviously a complete idiot, but this is the lowest of all pranks. And the cannibals are a nice touch. How much is he paying all of you? How could he?” She bursts out in sobs. “Where are we really? Preston! Preston!”
I’m so shocked by her misinterpretation that it takes me longer than it should to rush forward and silence her. “Shhh. No, Ava. Stop yelling. It’s not what you think. Preston had nothing—”
“Liar! Don’t touch me!” She rips free from my grasp and takes a step back. “Preston!”
“Ava, look.” I pull the journal from my pocket and hold it up. “This is the reason I know. There’s no prank. There’s no Preston. And the cannibals are very, very real and might make a surprise appearance if you don’t stop yelling.”
Her face is ashen. She stares at my hand for too many agonizing seconds before she reaches out and takes the journal from my hand.
“Just hear me out,” I say. “I found it when you were unconscious and my curiosity got the better of me. I was going to put it back but when I discovered who you were, it made me want to read it even more.” Her silence is killing me. She won’t look at me, only at the book she’s holding in her hand. “I’m sorry. I know it’s inexcusable.”
“Yes. Yes, it is.” Her voice is barely a whisper, and a tear trickles down her cheek. She clutches the journal to her chest. All I want to do is to hold her and take back the hurt I’ve caused, but when I reach out, she steps away. In her rage, she must have thought Preston was alive in order to pull off such a prank, and now I’ve ripped that hope from her and betrayed her trust on top of it.
“I didn’t read all of it,” I tell her, as though it’s not a moot point.
“It’s fine,” she says, but clearly, it’s not. “Let’s just go.”
I pick up the briefcase and continue towards the castle, listening for her steps behind me that have become so quiet I can barely hear her there, as if my actions have ripped out her soul and left an empty shell floating behind me. I feel like the very thing she accused me of yesterday—the biggest jerk on God’s green earth.
This is much worse than any wrath Roxy’s ever inflicted upon me. If Ava would have slapped me or chewed me out until next week, I would feel better than I do now. But her silent display of disappointment has left an ache in my gut that will never go away unless she decides to forgive me.
“So you know about Sergio?”
Her question catches me off guard, and I’m not sure how to respond. I doubt anything I tell her can make things worse than they already are.
“Yes, I read about Sergio. His face should have been at the other end of my fist instead of a tree.” I would give anything to hear her laugh, but she doesn’t.
She’s quiet again, and I don’t dare say a word unless she asks me to. We are less than five minutes away from the castle when she finally speaks again.
“You have an unfair advantage.”
Not unless she’s racing me straight to hell. “How’s that?”
“You know all my secrets, personal thoughts and feelings, and all I know about you is your last name. You’ve tried so hard to get to know me, and I haven’t been very open or done the same for you. I guess I left you no choice but to—”
“But to what? Betray you?” I turn so fast that she almost runs into me. “What are you doing?”
Her compassion is clawing a gigantic rip through my heart. She blinks and starts to speak, but I stop her.
“Don’t you dare take the blame for what I did,” I tell her. “All I wanted from the moment I found you was to earn your trust, and now I don’t even deserve it. Hit me, call me names, something! Be mad, Ava—because that’s
what I really deserve, but don’t give me a free pass to fail like you do for him.”
“By him, you mean Preston.” She hugs the journal beneath crossed arms. “He may have failed to keep me from ending up on this island, but he never failed to make me feel loved and important.”
“But none of that would have mattered if you ended up dead. He failed to help you and keep you safe. And I’m pissed about that, but I shouldn’t be because his failure led you to me. I promise I will keep you safe and do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. Just don’t forgive me unless you truly mean it.”
“I do mean it,” she says, stepping toward me. “I was angry, but I can’t stay mad at you for long. You’re all I’ve got left. And I think a little part of me is relieved that you know—well, most of it. I haven’t had anyone to talk to since my parents died. I mean, I did talk to Preston, but not about everything. Obviously. It was just different.” The color rises in her cheeks, and she looks down. “And just so we’re clear, how much did you read?”
I’m not usually one to get embarrassed, but now I’m suddenly uncomfortable in my own skin. She’s still blushing. What is she worried I read? Is she embarrassed about kissing Preston or is there more I didn’t get to? Guilt and regret are pointing fingers at me like I’m some sort of Peeping Tom, and I want to swat them away.
“Uhm, I stopped at the one about your weekend in Catalina.”
Her eyes widen. “I thought you said you didn’t read it all!” She delivers a punch to my chest that I know hurts her more than it did me. “That was like—a few days before I wound up here!” She’s right. There were only a few entries left. She growls and steps around me to storm in the wrong direction.
“The castle is that way,” I tell her, pointing her in the right path. She pivots and stomps off into the trees, which is probably good so she won’t see the grin tugging at my lips. This is the feisty Ava I love.
We reach the familiar rock wall and climb over. After she climbs in the canoe, I pull out my coin. I fight back a laugh when she loses the toss.
“Since when do princes make princesses row the boat?” she asks, and irritation is evident in her tone.
“They don’t,” I tell her, and I start to row. “I just don’t have any other use for this quarter that’s been in my pocket for three years. Now that you’re here, I finally get to use it for something.”
She rolls her eyes right on cue. Folding her arms, she stares across the water to avoid looking me in the eye, but when I glance back in her direction, I catch her staring at me. Her cheeks flush a beautiful shade of red. I can only assume she’s still stewing over the fact that I know all her thoughts and intimate details of her time spent with Preston. She needs a diversion.
“So when did you first notice someone was following you?”
She doesn’t move. For a second, I wonder if she intends to answer, but then she says, “About a week after I moved to California, I kept getting the feeling someone was watching me, but I thought it was just anxiety from living alone for the first time in my life. When I got the note that said you’re being watched, and decided it wasn’t from Preston, I started being more observant. That isn’t really one of my strong suits.”
“Really?” I say. “And here I thought you intended to treat yourself to a mud bath in quicksand and make friends with that snake.”
She leers playfully, and then seems to remember her genuine annoyance with me.
“Anyway, I came home one day after going to the mall and saw the Mercedes pull up and park in its usual spot across the street. I went inside and peeked through the curtains because I was curious to see who would get out of the car. But the seconds ticked by and turned into minutes. After a long time, still no one got out of the car. The Mercedes seemed to come and go when I did, but I’d never seen anyone getting in or out of the car. That’s when I knew for sure I was being watched. I just never knew who or why.
“At one point, I even thought it might have to do with Preston, you know, like a jealous ex-girlfriend trying to threaten my personal pursuit of happiness, but I asked him and he said that wasn’t a possibility because he hadn’t had any girlfriends before me.”
I quirk a brow and start to interject, but I quickly reconsider. We reach the sand on the other side, and I help Ava out of the canoe. “What about the notes? You said you knew who sent them.”
“It was my boss, George. And if I had opened the note before I got on the plane, I would have gotten the chance to ask him who he was warning me about. Now I’ll never know.”
She follows me to stash the canoe and then to the entrance of the castle. I turn and wait for her to look at me before I say, “You can’t beat yourself up over ‘what ifs’ or your whole life will be consumed with regret. I know from personal experience. I believe that all things happen for a reason, and whether we like it or not, we have to find a way to move on.”
“You have regrets?” she asks, and I nod.
“If I’d have done things differently, my dad might still be alive.”
“What happened?”
“There was a hurricane. The winds were so strong that night they ripped part of the roof right off the chief’s house. When Dad woke me to tell me to stay and look after Roxy, I argued fiercely for him to let me come and help him, but he demanded I stay. Thought it was too dangerous. The last thing I ever said to my father was a slew of harsh words meant to express my disproval and undermine his authority.
“He managed to help some of the men from the tribe secure the wood back on top of the tree house, but then a gust of wind knocked him off balance. I beat myself up thinking that if I hadn’t been such an obedient son, I might have been able to change the outcome of that horrible night. Then again, it might have been me that fell sixty feet to my death.”
I open the portcullis and then follow her inside.
“I’m so sorry,” she says.
“Yeah, me too. But life is short so that you can’t sit around and spend all your time pouting and worrying or you waste what little time you have.”