The fact that I’d slept with the lying bastard was enough to make me run the last few steps and land on my knees next to the toilet where I heaved vomit, bile and what was left of my heart into the sewer.
I forced myself to shower again. I needed the time to collect myself as much as I needed to feel clean after getting sick. I’d argued with myself for the entire duration of the shower, trying to decide what I should do. It was a Saturday, which meant I didn’t need to go to work so I didn’t have that excuse. I actually had to make a decision.
I wanted to scream at Allen, yell at him for what he’d done. For lying to me. For making me watch him die in that horrible way.
But Allen wasn’t here. Allen was dead.
Allen had chosen to be dead.
He’d chosen to leave me even after all of the promises we’d made to each other. We’d promised sickness as well as health, worse as well as better. We’d promised to be together until death parted us, but we’d always assumed – or at least I had always assumed – that we’d have no choice in the matter. What Allen had done had been the same, in my mind, as leaving me.
He’d left me.
Anger followed the pain, and I let it come.
Being angry at what he’d done was easier than being hurt over it.
I just wanted to aim the negative feelings at someone, and since Allen wasn’t here, I had to go with the other option. By the time I was dressed, I’d successfully managed to transfer all of that anger onto Jasper.
I’d seen the building where Jasper worked with his father, but I’d never been inside. Today, I walked in and went straight to the receptionist.
She looked to be in her early thirties, but wasn’t taking it well. She dressed like she was trying to look ten years younger, complete with make-up. Even her sienna-colored hair was cut into a short style that was designed for someone a bit younger.
“Hi.” I forced myself to be polite. “I need to talk to Jasper.”
Her light brown eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. “Dr. Whitehall is busy right now.”
“Then I’ll wait.”
She looked back down at whatever it was she was working on and I knew she fully expected me to join the others in the chairs until I got tired of waiting and left. Instead, I crossed my arms and glared at her. I usually tried to be polite to people, especially ones who had to interact with the public, but I had a feeling this was the same woman who’d given me a hard time about talking to Jasper the day of the fire.
“You can have a seat over there.” Her tone was sharp.
“I’m fine here. Thanks.”
After another minute or so, she apparently figured out I wasn’t going to budge because she pushed herself up from the desk and walked off in a huff. I told myself I’d wait ten minutes and if she didn’t return with Jasper, I was going in the back to find him.
“Georgia, if someone is giving you a problem, you should call...” Jasper’s voice trailed off as he stepped out into the waiting room and saw me.
For a moment, I forgot about the letter, about the anger, about how he’d deceived me. All I saw was the thick, coal black hair that I knew would be soft to the touch. The clear gray eyes that I’d seen dark with desire just last night. The six foot tall, muscular frame that I’d felt wrapped around me, protecting me.
“Shae.”
The way he said my name, so full of...something I didn’t want...everything came rushing back.
“We need to talk,” I snapped.
His eyes widened slightly in surprise, and caution replaced the happiness I’d seen. “This way.” He opened the door and motioned for me to follow him.
“Dr. Whitehall,” Georgia called from the other side of her desk. “You have patients waiting.”
He didn’t even look at her, but I did, and what I saw on her face confirmed what I’d suspected. She wanted him. While that explained how she treated me, it certainly didn’t excuse it. But that wasn’t my problem at the moment.
My problem was ushering me into a small side room and closing the door behind us.
“I’m sorry I had to leave this morning,” he said as soon as the door closed. “I couldn’t call off today and I didn’t want to wake you up to have this conversation—”
“We’re not talking about that,” I cut him off.
Confusion passed across his face and he took a step back. “Shae, what’s wrong? Did the Lockwoods—?”
“I’m not here about the fucking Lockwoods!” My temper finally snapped. I curled my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. “I’m here about what you did.”
“What I did?” He reached out a hand towards me and it hovered there for a moment before dropping back to his side. “Shae, I don’t understand.”
“Allen mailed me a letter.” My voice wavered. “The post office lost it so I didn’t get it until today.”
“Oh, Shae.”
Understanding filled his eyes and I knew he thought I was upset because of the reminder, especially after what had happened between us.
“You bastard,” I whispered as my eyes filled with tears. I’d told myself that I wasn’t going to cry, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“I’m so sorry.” He raked his hand through his hair. “I never should have...I knew it was wrong, I just...shit.”
I ignored what he was saying. I knew he still didn’t get it. “You lying son of a bitch.”
“Lying?” His eyes shot up in surprise.
“Allen confessed in the letter.” The knot in my stomach twisted. “He said he was sick and that he didn’t want to live like that.”
The color drained from his face, confirming what I’d read.
“You knew.” The words stuck in my throat and I had to spit them out. “You knew he was dying! You knew he was going to kill himself!”
“Shae, I—” He took a step towards me.
I held up my hand and backed away. “No. No more.” I shook my head. “I can’t take anymore of this. I don’t ever want to see you or talk to you again. Stay away from me.”
I didn’t wait for him to say anything. There wasn’t anything he could say. No explanation I wanted to hear. Nothing that would make this better. Nothing could make this better.
Chapter 2
I went home, but I didn’t do anything. Oh, I tried, I just couldn’t seem to focus. I wandered from room to room, starting to do something and then forgetting what it was right in the middle of it. Time seemed to move in fits and starts. I kept seeing the accident...the suicide, all over again. Seeing Allen die. And then I’d see Jasper. Comforting me. Being there for me.
Kissing me.
Lying to me.
Had he been sitting by the phone that day, waiting for my call? Had Allen called him that morning before we’d left so he could say goodbye? Had Jasper already been grieving when I’d called?
And what if the motivation had been less pure than Jasper’s friendship? Was it possible that he’d agreed to mess with Allen’s medical records with the intent of convincing me to hand over the insurance policy? Was that what the million dollars from Allen’s trust had been for in the first place? A payment to Jasper for covering things up?
I found myself standing in front of the fireplace in the living room, staring at the pictures on the mantle. There was one from a college party, the first picture Allen and I had taken together. We’d been dating for two weeks at that point. Our first Christmas together. College graduation, both his and mine. Our engagement picture. The day I’d moved in with him. Our first Christmas in the vineyard. Our wedding.
I stomped into the kitchen, my hands shaking with the enormity of what I was feeling. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t see his face everywhere. I didn’t want him to be here anymore.
I grabbed a trash bag and went back into the living room. I didn’t take my time to remove the pictures from the frames, to carefully set aside the photos. I didn’t do any of the things I’d always thought I’d do when I’d finally gotten the strength to start pu
tting pictures away.
With one sweep across the mantle, I knocked the pictures into my trash bag.
The ones on the wall followed. I heard the glass breaking as I dropped frame after frame into the bag. The ones that were too big to fit came down and sat next to the door so I could take them out to the trash.
When I finished with the pictures, I carried everything out to trash cans. The ones that I didn’t have room for went on the ground next to the cans. It took three trips to get everything out and by the time I finished, I was sweaty and hot, but I told myself it was worth it.
But when I was in the shower for the third time that day, the adrenaline that had fueled my semi-cleaning spree faded away and I could no longer deny the emptiness inside me. I crumpled to the floor, pulling my knees tight against my chest as I gave in to the tears.
It was like losing Allen all over again, except this time, I didn’t have the comfort of memories. All of my memories were now tainted with his deceit. After Allen died, it had been horrible, but I’d had those eight precious years to hold on to. They hadn’t been perfect. We’d fought, of course. Sometimes it had been his fault, sometimes mine, but we’d always worked things out.
That’s what made this so much worse, I realized. There was no chance of resolution. No way to confront him and demand an answer. No way for him to know how badly he’d hurt me. There would be no explanation, no apologies or forgiveness. There’d be no making up, or the relief that came with it.
I would be forced to carry this knowledge without the benefit of knowing why, without any chance at resolution.
I pressed my face tighter against my knees. “Why, Allen?” I whispered even though I knew there’d be no answer.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. I was shivering as I dried off and decided on my favorite robe instead of clothes. It was big and soft, the same cobalt blue as my eyes, and best of all, it was warm.
My stomach growled and I realized that it was almost six o’clock, but I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I headed downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. That, plus a cold beer, went a long way to making me almost feel better.
I was just finishing up both when I heard a noise from the front of the house. I grabbed the house phone from the counter and headed towards the living room. With its big picture window, I’d be able to see enough to know if I should call the police. My fingers were on the buttons when I saw the tall, shadowy figure, but a moment later, I recognized him and I dropped the phone onto the couch.
I flung the door open and was halfway down the steps before I remembered that I wasn’t wearing shoes. I didn’t care.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Jasper froze. He’d been walking back to his car, I saw now. If I’d waited just a few more minutes, he would’ve left. For a moment, I almost wished I had. He slowly turned and I saw he had a bouquet of flowers in his hands.
“What are those?” My mouth was suddenly dry.
“Whenever Allen screwed up, he said he’d buy you lilies because that was the first flower he’d ever bought for you.”
I folded my arms across my chest as a pain went through me. Jasper came towards me, holding out the flowers. They weren’t lilies, I saw with some relief. Then my eyes narrowed as he came close enough for me to identify what they were.
“Lisianthus,” he said. “I remembered that these were your favorite.”
I automatically reached out to accept them. It was a beautiful arrangement, rich purple flowers mixed with white baby’s breath.
“You remembered?” I whispered as I lightly touched the petals. Lisianthus resembled tulips and weren’t the usual kind of flowers women expected.
“You mentioned once that they had been your mom’s favorite too.”
I’d mentioned. Mentioned. And he remembered. Tears pricked at my eyelids. Allen had known that too and had gotten them for me on occasion, but the lilies had been a thing between us, special in their own way. Jasper hadn’t tried to take that from me, but had brought me what he remembered I liked.
“Will you please let me explain?” There was a note of near-desperation in his voice.
I looked up, but twilight had fallen and Jasper’s face was shadowed.
“Please, Shae. You can kick me out after and I’ll never bother you again. Just let me explain.”
My heart twisted at the thought of never seeing Jasper again. Of never knowing. I was still angry with him, but I knew I needed to hear what he had to say. He was the only one who could provide me with any kind of answers, even if they weren’t the ones I wanted.
“Come in.” I shivered as a gust of wind blew across us.
I went back inside, going straight for the kitchen without a glance behind to see if he was following. I got a vase from one of the bottom cabinets and filled it with water. When I turned back around, Jasper was standing there, his hands shoved into his pockets, a haggard expression on his face.
“Let’s go sit,” I said, carrying the vase with me back into the living room. He followed without a word, waiting until I’d sat down in one of the chairs before taking a seat on the couch.
“What I did...” he began and then shook his head. “I knew he was sick. I’m the one who sent him to the specialists. And yes, I kept it from you.” He looked up at me. “Because Allen asked me to.”
“I knew that already.” My nails were digging into my palms, every muscle in my body tense.
“He didn’t want you to pity him.”
I blinked. “What?”
Jasper leaned forward in his chair. “Allen loved you more than anything and he didn’t want you to pity him. That’s why he asked me to keep it from you. It’s a horrible disease, Shae.” His voice caught and he cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to see my friend like that, and I knew he didn’t want you to see him that way.”
“He was my husband, Jasper. That wasn’t your decision to make.” The words came out more sharply than I’d intended.
“You’re right,” he agreed. “But he asked me to. And I’m a doctor, Shae. I couldn’t do it, personally or professionally.”
“Fuck profession,” I snapped. I could feel the tears again and tried to force them back. “I thought you were my friend. You said you were. But you sat here and lied to me every day. You let me think it was an accident.”
“I didn’t know,” he said quietly. “He asked me to keep his illness from you, and he asked me to give him old medical records from before the diagnosis. I suspected he wanted it because of insurance, but I didn’t ask.”
“So you weren’t surprised when I got that call?”
He hesitated and then shook his head. “Not really.” He looked down at his hands. “And that’s when I started to suspect what he’d done.”
“You knew.”
“Not for sure, no. He didn’t tell me what he was planning, I swear. It wasn’t until afterwards that I thought it was possible.”
“But you still didn’t tell me.”
He looked up and I almost winced at the pain in his eyes. “Of course not. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“So you just let me think that it was an accident.”
He stood suddenly and came over to where I was sitting. He dropped to his knees in front of me. His hands covered mine. Part of me wanted to pull away, but a bigger part didn’t.
“What good would it have done to tell you what I suspected?” he asked. His hands tightened around mine. “You were hurting so badly, and Allen’s family was being...” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“Couldn’t tell me the truth?” I didn’t want him to have a noble reason, didn’t want to forgive him. I wanted to be angry because it was easier than being hurt, because he was here and Allen wasn’t.
“I couldn’t be the one to tell you what Allen had done.” He turned his head away, but I could still see emotions play across his face. “I was afraid.”
Something had shifted in our conver
sation and I didn’t know where it was going next.
“Afraid of what?” I asked.
He was so quiet that I thought he wasn’t going to answer, but when he finally did, his words were so soft that I almost missed them.
“I was afraid that you’d hate me and I’d lose you. I’d just lost Allen. I couldn’t...I’m sorry. It was selfish and wrong.”
Images flashed through my mind. Jasper giving me strength at Allen’s funeral. Standing with me against the Lockwoods. Holding my hand in court. The blurry day I’d gotten heat stroke. How he’d dropped everything the day of the fire. Tending to my feet. The way he’d looked at me when I’d called him only Allen’s friend. Just before I’d kissed him.
He started to stand, but I grabbed his hands, pulling him back down onto his knees. He looked at me, startled.
I needed to hear him say it.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Jasper?” I asked. My fingers tightened around his hands. “The whole truth this time.”
“I couldn’t hurt you like that, Shae.” He gave me a sad smile. “I care about you too much.”
It was suddenly hard to breathe. I’d known it. Of course I had.
He laughed, the sound bitter. “And I fucked it up anyway, didn’t I? I wanted to protect you. Take care of you. And I’m the one who hurt you.” He pulled his hands away from mine and stood. “I won’t do it again.”
He took a step and then stopped when I spoke.
“Then don’t.”
He didn’t look at me, but he didn’t keep going either.
“Don’t leave me.”
Chapter 3
“Shae?”
My name was so much more than a question.
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
He turned then and his eyes were blazing. “You’ll never lose me, Shae.” He went to his knees in front of me again and reached out to cup my face between his hands. “Please forgive me.”
I put one hand over his. It wasn’t even a question. “Forgiven.”
His entire body slumped in relief. He leaned forward until his forehead rested against mine. “I was so scared that you would never forgive me.” He pushed my wet hair back from my face. “I thought for sure you’d think last night...” His voice trailed off and he suddenly pulled back. “I shouldn’t have...I mean....”