He raised his head, but still didn’t look at me. “Allen.”
“I don’t understand.” That was an understatement. I had no clue what was going on in Jasper’s head, only that I definitely didn’t like it.
“When we were in there and looking at all that stuff, talking about your wedding, it was...I don’t know. It just reminded me how much I’m not like Allen. And then you kissed me and I was angry.”
“Angry?” I felt like a bucket of ice water had just been dumped on me, a large chunk of it settling in my stomach.
He raked his hand through his hair. “I just wanted you so much and I didn’t want you to be thinking about Allen and...”
“I wasn’t thinking about Allen,” I snapped. “I was thinking about you. I wanted to have sex with you. I wanted you to fuck me.”
“But I was too rough!” He smacked his hand on the steering wheel. “Allen never would’ve done that to you.” He let out a shaky breath. “I just have such a hard time controlling myself when I’m with you.”
The ice inside me suddenly evaporated as his words sent heat through me. I leaned forward and put my hand on his arm.
“You’re right,” I said. “Allen was never like that with me. But you’re not Allen.”
“No fuck,” he muttered.
“I don’t want you because I think you’re him.” I curled my fingers around Jasper’s chin and forced him to turn his face towards mine. “If I didn’t like something, I’d tell you. And I like how you make me feel. I love it.” I lightly touched his lips. “You bring out something in me that I never knew existed.”
He caught my hand, his grip almost painfully tight. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I leaned forward until my forehead rested on his. “I’m not going anywhere, Jas.”
He slid his hand up my arm and around to the back of my neck, his skin cold against mine. “I’ll do better. Control myself better.”
“No,” I said firmly. He raised his head so our eyes met. “I liked the person I was with Allen, but I like who I am with you too, Jasper.” I kissed the tip of his nose and finally got a ghost of a smile. “Besides, if you remember that weekend correctly, I scratched the hell out of your back and ass.”
The smile widened, but still didn’t reach his eyes. “Yes, you did.” He brushed his thumb over the place where my cheek hurt. “But that’s different.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s the kind of sex...I mean, I like taking my time too, but...” He let out a frustrated sigh. “I like a little pain with my sex. I loved feeling your nails on my skin. Feeling the sting when I showered, when my clothes rubbed against them.”
“And?”
He gave me a sharp look. “And what?”
“So, you’re allowed to like it when I’m rough with you, but I can’t like it when you’re that way with me?” I pulled back, my eyes narrowing. “Is that it? You see me as this fragile little thing who shouldn’t like it when you bite her, pull her hair, fuck her hard? That’s not proper, or some shit like that?” My cheeks flushed. “Well fuck you. I’m not going to sit here and justify why I’m not the girl you thought I was. If Allen’s meek, breakable widow is what you want, then maybe you should move out—”
The rest of what I said was lost as Jasper grabbed me and pulled me to him, his mouth hard and demanding on mine. He yanked off the hat I’d been wearing and buried his hands in my hair, twisting and pulling it as he kissed me. My lips felt swollen by the time he released me and I couldn’t speak, only gasp for air.
“I don’t know how to do this, Shae,” he whispered, his eyes closing as he pulled me against his chest. “I wasn’t lying when I said I can’t control myself around you. I’ve never had anyone...sometimes I feel like my body is going to explode from everything that you make me feel.”
“I know what you mean,” I confessed softly. “I can’t say the words, Jas, but don’t think for a moment that I don’t feel all of that too.”
“Forgive me?” he asked. “It’s a lot, living up to the memory of someone like Allen.”
“Forgiven.” I tilted my head back so he could see my face. “And hear this. You don’t have to live up to anything or anyone. Allen was Allen and you’re you. No comparing, no measuring. He’s gone. You’re here. There’s no competition.”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “All right, then what do we do now?”
“Now,” I said. “We go back to the hotel and enjoy that big bathtub again.” I grinned at him. “For some reason, I’m really sore.”
Chapter 17
We got our money’s worth out of the hotel room by the time we checked out Sunday morning, thoroughly enjoying the tub, the shower, the bed. When we got on the plane, all of my private, intimate parts were throbbing wonderfully. Jasper had taken his time with me once we’d gotten back last night, at least the first time. By the time we’d finally passed out, I’d lost track of how many times he’d made me come.
I napped on the flight too. Jasper’s arm around me, my head on his shoulder. The weekend had taken a lot out of me, physically and emotionally. But Jasper was there, holding me, offering me the strength I didn’t have. He made sure we got back to the vineyard. He made us something to eat and he tucked me into bed. He did everything that I needed, was everything I needed.
Monday morning, I got up earlier than usual and left Jasper sleeping until the alarm would wake him for work. I wanted to stop by the lawyer’s office before school. I didn’t think I’d be able to concentrate on work if I had to wait until after classes ended to take him the baby teeth. Aside from the fact that I’d feel really strange carrying around a bag with two teeth in it, I needed to have Henley begin whatever he needed to start to get this paternity business taken care of.
After I dressed, I took a moment to lean down and kiss Jasper’s forehead. He looked so much younger when he slept. I hadn’t known him when he was a kid, but I imagined he must’ve looked a lot like he did when he was asleep. I smoothed back his hair and resisted the urge to crawl back in bed and curl up in his arms again.
Instead, I headed to my car and drove in to Savill Henley’s office. He’d been Allen’s lawyer before and now he was taking care of things for me. He was good at what he did, but he didn’t specialize in criminal or family law. Still, he’d assured me that he had colleagues he’d call for assistance with my newest problem.
“Shae.” He stood as I entered the office. He’d once been an athletic, muscular man, but he’d gone to seed years ago, leaving him with a bit of a pot belly. His salt-and-pepper hair was thinning, but his light brown eyes were still just as intelligent as ever. He came around the desk and shook my hand. “Please, sit.”
“I can’t,” I said. “I have to be at school soon.” I reached into my purse and pulled out the bag. “These are Allen’s. They should have enough DNA in them for a paternity test.”
Henley stared at the bag and then at me. “Where...?”
I shook my head. “Trust me. You don’t want to know.”
“Shae.” His voice took on a warning tone.
“Don’t.” I held up my hand. “I don’t want to put you in an even more awkward position than you are already.”
“If you did something illegal to get these,” he began.
“Then I’d probably want to talk to a criminal lawyer rather than you, right?” I smiled at him. “And then you couldn’t take these and I’m back to where we started without any way to either prove or disprove that Jenny is Allen’s.”
He gave me a scrutinizing look and then nodded. “All right. I won’t ask anything else so I’ll honestly be able to say that I don’t know where they came from.”
“Great.” I started to turn away.
“Shae.” Henley’s tone softened. “What if the girl is Allen’s?”
I met his gaze. “Then I’ll make sure she’s taken care of.”
“And the Lockwoods?”
“They’re thrilled with the idea,” I said dryly. “In fact, they??
?re so happy about it, they don’t even want to bother with the paternity test.”
He looked surprised.
I laughed and the sound wasn’t as bitter as I felt. “They’d rather see all of Allen’s money and the vineyard go to the girl than me, even if she isn’t Allen’s. But I don’t care about the money. She can have all of it if she’s my late husband’s child.”
“You just don’t want anyone saying that Allen abandoned his daughter.”
I gave him a partial smile. “Got it in one.”
“Don’t worry, Shae.” He reached out and patted my shoulder. “I’ll make sure they put a rush on the test and then we’ll deal with whatever comes next. We won’t let them drag Allen’s name through the mud. I won’t let them do that.”
“Thank you.”
The lump in my throat stayed there the whole ride to the school. I appreciated Henley’s help and I wanted to get all of this taken care of as soon as possible, but a part of me wished I could’ve just stayed in bed with Jasper, that the two of us could’ve called off work and been together. There, with him, I could’ve pretended that none of this was happening. While Allen’s death would still be real – Jasper in my bed left no way around that fact – I could still pretend that the rest of it wasn’t real.
I was starting to heal, but with each new crisis, it made it harder to move forward. The Lockwoods were still trying to get the trust, which meant I had to get a letter or a phone call every week or so from Henley to tell me what the newest step was. It was almost harvest time, which wasn’t necessarily a crisis, but it was something more I needed to do without Allen. And now there was Aime Vargas and Jenny.
I pulled into my usual parking spot, but didn’t get out of the car. I still had some time before I had to go inside. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and closed my eyes. I’d managed to feel relaxed for a full day yesterday and now the tension was back. Every inch of my body was tight and the day hadn’t even started.
How was I going to get through this?
My phone buzzed and I sighed as I pulled it out of my purse. The knot in my stomach eased a bit when I saw that it was a text from Jasper. It was short and simple, but it made me smile.
Missed you this morning. See you tonight. Have a good day.
Nothing spectacular or extraordinary. No flowery declarations. But I knew he meant every word of it, and that was what was important.
I tapped back out a response just as simple.
Have a good day. I’ll be thinking about you.
If I couldn’t tell him that I loved him, he at least deserved to know that I thought about him. And I did. The faint little twinges in my body that were leftover from our weekend made it impossible to not think about him. But, sometimes it was simple things in the oddest places. I’d think about him when I was teaching science class and wondering if any of the little boys and girls sitting at their desks might one day be doctors like Jasper. I’d think about him at lunch, wondering if he was eating now too. While I’d meant what I said to him that I wasn’t comparing him to Allen, I couldn’t help but notice that I was thinking about Jasper almost more than I had about Allen in a long time. I wasn’t sure what to make of that though. I did know that I wasn’t in the best state of mind to analyze it at the moment, so I put it aside and tried to focus on teaching.
By the time the final bell rang, I was ready to go home and crash on the couch. I didn’t even feel like cooking dinner. A quick call to a nearby restaurant and at least that was taken care of. After picking it up, I headed straight home. A hot shower and a change into comfortable clothes made me relax a bit, but it wasn’t until I saw Jasper’s car pull into the driveway that I felt the tension start to fade away.
Then I saw the expression on his face, and my stomach dropped. His mouth was twisted into a scowl, his eyes stormy.
“Are you okay?” I asked as he came in.
I let out a squeak of surprise as he grabbed me, lifting me off the ground. His mouth came down on mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He bit down on my bottom lip, drawing a moan. I tugged on his hair and he sucked my lip into his mouth and my body instantly burned.
Holy hell, how did he do that?
My stomach clenched and he tilted his head, deepening the kiss until my world spun. We were both panting when he finally broke it.
“I needed that.” His voice was rough as he sat me down.
“What happened?”
His eyes darkened even more and his hands tightened on my hips. “It’s nothing.”
“Jasper, talk to me.” I reached up and ran my fingers down his cheek. “You can tell me anything.”
He sighed and pulled me against him. “My parents aren’t happy about me living here.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t been expecting that. I’d only met Jasper’s parents a couple times at special occasions. I hadn’t thought they’d loved me, but I’d assumed they didn’t have much of an opinion about me either way.
“They’re upset because of how people are reacting. They’re saying I’m embarrassing the family. Again.” There was anger in his voice and I wrapped my arms around his waist.
Apparently, it was my turn to apologize. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” he asked, confusion on his face.
I looked up at him. “For making things difficult for you.”
He chuckled and shook his head. “You’re amazing, you know that? My parents are being assholes and you’re apologizing. We’re together and we did nothing wrong. They can either deal with it or not.” He brushed his lips across mine.
“But you shouldn’t have to put up with that,” I said.
“You’re right. And I know what I have to do.” A determined expression came over his face. “It’s time to stop talking about starting the clinic and just do it.”
“Without the money from Allen’s trust or the insurance?” I asked.
“I have enough to last me until the judge rules in your favor about the trust.” He grinned at me. “Unless you were going to make me start paying rent.”
“Well, the vineyard is paid off,” I said, drawing out the words. I slid my hands down to his firm ass and squeezed. “But making you work off room and board definitely sounds appealing.”
“I’m at your service.” He kissed me again, a little more firmly. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”
“I’m sure I can think of a few things.” I took his hand and started to lead him towards the bedroom. “Dinner can wait.”
Chapter 18
He did it.
Tuesday morning, he went into his father’s practice and quit. I was a bundle of nerves at school, checking my phone every few minutes until I finally received a text.
Did it. Going home now to work on plans. I’ll make dinner.
I breathed a small sigh of relief even though I was still anxious to hear the details. At least I knew that things hadn’t gone so badly that I needed to call him on my lunch break. I wanted to, but knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate all afternoon. I was already having a hard enough time this morning.
By the end of the day, I’d called three students by the wrong name, started to re-teach the previous day’s social studies lesson and forgot that I had playground duty. When the bell rang, I was more than ready to go home. I stayed my usual twenty minutes after, rushing to get through spelling tests so I wouldn’t have to worry about it tonight.
The smell of a roasting chicken greeted me as soon as I stepped inside the house and when I saw Jasper smile, the tension went out of me. I’d spent most of the drive home trying to think of ways to make him feel better about his parents being idiots. Judging by the expression on his face, he didn’t need any of it.
“How’d they take it?” I asked after giving him a quick kiss hello.
“Actually, they seemed a bit relieved,” he said as he followed me into the bedroom so I could change. “They even offered suggestions about what I should do now.”
The words had a bit
of bite to them and I glanced up as I pulled on more comfortable clothes.
“Apparently, they think it would be best for the family if I tried for a position elsewhere. I believe Seattle, Los Angeles and Chicago were all mentioned. Dad said he’d be happy to make a few calls on my behalf.”
I was only half-dressed, but I didn’t care. I crossed over to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m sorry.”
His arms closed around me and he pressed his lips against the top of my head. “I’m not. They’ve had reason in the past to believe I’m going to screw things up. Now I get to prove them wrong.”
With that driving him, Jasper spent the rest of the week working on his clinic. He’d managed to convince a local businessman to give him a good deal on renting a property closer to the poorer section of town, but he didn’t have the money to hire someone to come in and do any renovations, so he did them himself.
I helped as much as I could, going to the clinic after school and helping him paint until late at night. It was exhausting, but satisfying. Some of that came from watching the place take shape, but most of it was from how proud Jasper was of what he was accomplishing.
There was only one downside to the whole thing.
Georgia Overstreet.
She’d been the receptionist at the Whitehall family practice for a couple of years and I’d always gotten the distinct impression that she didn’t like me. Now it wasn’t merely an impression. I was sure of it. Two days after Jasper quit, she showed up at the clinic, asking for a job. Jasper had been excited about it when he came home, telling me that Georgia was happy to work for a fraction of what his father had been paying her and was even willing to work for free until finances balanced out. I knew he was convinced that she was a wonderful person for doing this, but I didn’t trust her. She had ulterior motives to what she was doing, I was sure of it. She did, after all, have a thing for Jasper.
“Good evening, Georgia,” I said with a smile as I walked into the clinic.
She spent her time organizing the filing systems and setting up the hand-me-down computer Jasper had gotten. The thing was almost archaic, but it worked and it was free. I’d offered Jasper the money to pay for something newer, but he refused. I knew, until the trust was released, he wasn’t going to accept money from me.