A CT scan reading that said no issues had been found.
Blood work results that listed two pages worth of tests run.
His blood pressure had been a bit high, but not dangerously so. Everything else had been within a healthy range.
Brain scans and even a spinal tap.
All clear.
I was no doctor, but I couldn’t see anything in here that said Allen had been sick. It didn’t make any sense. Allen had written that he’d gone to Jasper for tests because he’d known Jasper would sign off on his health even if something was wrong.
I frowned as I looked further into the file. There were half a dozen physicals Allen had done over the past decade, all without any indication of problems.
There had to be something missing. This couldn’t be it.
I shut the file and leaned back in the chair.
“Dammit,” I muttered.
I just wanted answers. I was trying to move on, but it was hard to do when I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around Allen having committed suicide because he was sick. I needed to see it for myself.
I’d researched the disease Allen had mentioned in his letter and I’d actually had a couple nightmares about it. It was horrible, taking someone from seemingly perfect health to death in months, weeks. And it did it in a brutal way. Loss of motor function. Recognition. Speech. I’d seen families write that it was like watching the person they loved wasting away right in front of them.
I wouldn’t have wanted that for Allen, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to have to watch him go through it. But I still needed to see it in black and white, needed to see that diagnosis.
Then I saw it.
Allen’s laptop.
In all of my cleaning, I hadn’t done anything with it. It wasn’t like clothes or things I’d wanted to donate or like his favorite foods that I’d thrown away. This was an expensive piece of equipment. I’d just left it. I had my own laptop so I hadn’t planned on using it, but I’d completely forgotten to figure out what to do with it.
I plugged it in and turned it on. I didn’t know what I was expecting to find, but I knew there had to be something that could answer my questions.
I skimmed through a few files and then booted up the email program. New junk mail and newsletters flooded in and I spent the next fifteen minutes wading through all of that before I reached Allen’s last correspondence.
The first two I opened were from customers of the winery who’d kept in touch with Allen, wanting to know about the latest batch. Then there was one from his brother Marcus regarding their father’s health and how Allen’s absence wasn’t helping things.
My heart nearly stopped when the next email came up on my screen.
I agree with you that you should take out a bigger insurance policy. You want to make sure that Shae is taken care of, especially if you think your parents would try to take the vineyard if something happened to you. Come see me and I’ll do some tests. If there is something wrong with you, I’ll help you out with the insurance. Shae deserves to be taken care of. And don’t worry about trying to help me out with the clinic. I’ll be fine. We need to make sure you’re okay first. I’ll get the money somehow.
Jasper.
Jasper.
He’d known about the insurance. He’d encouraged Allen to take it out. And he’d known that Allen had wanted to help him with the clinic.
I looked at the file and my stomach churned.
Were the files in the folder the ones Jasper had sent to the insurance company and he’d trashed the real ones just in case someone wanted to look at Allen’s records?
I supposed that was possible, but I couldn’t see Jasper not keeping the real records somewhere else. He was too good of a doctor for that.
Another thought was forming in my mind and it was one I really didn’t want to consider.
The thought that these files were Allen’s true test results and Jasper had lied to Allen about the diagnosis, knowing how his best friend would react. For all I knew, he’d not only encouraged Allen to get the insurance, but had encouraged him to end things on his own terms.
I’d gone through the file and email to get answers, but now all I had was more questions.
Chapter 24
I spent the next hour arguing with myself about what I was going to do with the information I’d found. Part of me felt guilty about what I’d done to get it, but most of me was pissed off. Pissed and getting even angrier with every passing minute. Angry at myself for thinking the worst of Jasper. Angry at Jasper for having this file.
Hell, I was angry at the file for existing.
How fucked up was that? I was angry at the test results and papers in that file because they made me even more confused than I’d already been. Confused and doubting. I hated that I was doubting again, doubting what I knew, doubting myself.
Doubting Jasper.
I didn’t want to doubt him. He was too important to me. I had friends, acquaintances and family, though the numbers were definitely small, but I didn’t have anyone else like him. I cared about him. Trusted him.
I sighed. Who was I trying to kid? I was falling for him, and I had been for a while.
And now this.
By the time Jasper came in, I’d almost made up my mind to let the whole thing go. To accept that Allen was gone and it didn’t matter what those records said. I had a letter from him, telling me what he’d believed. That could be the truth.
Then Jasper looked at the file sitting on the coffee table and I knew letting it go wasn’t an option now.
“Where did that come from?” His voice was flat.
I crossed my arms and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “I thought I’d unpack some of the boxes in the office.” I paused, but he didn’t say anything so I continued, “The last box had some files thrown in it.”
“So you just thought you’d go through my patient files?”
I could hear the undercurrent of anger in his question.
“No.” I shook my head. I was upset, but I needed him to know what happened before I addressed what was in that file. “I only straightened them. That’s all. I didn’t even alphabetize them because I didn’t want to look at the names.”
He gave me a hard look, then nodded. “All right. Then what’s that?” He gestured towards the file again.
“It’s Allen’s.”
A cold silence fell between us and I rubbed my hands over my arms. Jasper took a slow breath and then let it out, but his eyes were still blank, unreadable.
“He was my husband,” I said, feeling the pressure in my chest start to build again. “I had a right to know.”
Jasper frowned. “I told you everything, Shae.”
He walked over to stand in front of me, but he didn’t touch me. The tension between us was palpable.
“Did you?” My voice was sharper than I’d intended it to be. “Did you tell me everything, Jasper?”
His mouth flattened. “Yes, Shae. When you got that letter, I told you everything. I’ve never lied to you.”
I picked up the file and slapped it against his chest. “Then why don’t you explain to me why there’s nothing in this file about Jasper being sick. Is this the file you sent to the insurance company? Tell me that it is.”
He opened the file and glanced at the papers inside. After just a few moments, he shook his head. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“How about the truth?” I asked. He wasn’t denying anything, only flipping through the file with a confused look on his face. “I found your email.”
“What email?” He dropped the file onto the coffee table. “Shae, I don’t know what’s going on here, but you need to believe me. I’ve never seen that file before. I sent an old report to the insurance company, yes, but I didn’t keep anything because I could lose my license if anyone found out what I’d done.”
He was right about that, but the file was right there. It was hard to argue with something that was right in front of me.
; “You didn’t email Allen and tell him to take out that extra insurance policy?” I put my hands on my hips. “You didn’t tell him that you’d find the money for your clinic somewhere else? That taking care of him was the most important thing and that you’d help him get insurance if he really was sick?”
“No.” Jasper shook his head. “I never said any of that. I swear, Shae, I only suspected about the policy. I didn’t know about him wanting to give me money for the clinic until you told me.”
“I read the email, Jasper.” I swallowed hard.
“What are you talking about?” His eyes were darkening, and not from any sort of lust or desire.
“The email on Allen’s computer,” I said. I glared at Jasper, wondering how he could’ve done this. How he could’ve lied to me. “I still have his laptop. I read it.”
“I didn’t send a damn email!” Jasper’s voice was harsh. “Why would I lie to you? I told you what I did and you forgave me for it. Why the hell would I lie about something like this?”
“I don’t know!” My eyes burned. “But the file’s there. The email’s there.”
“Shae...” He ran his hand through his hair. “Why would I do anything to risk what we have? I love you.”
I shook my head. “You say that but—”
“I’ve been in love with you almost from the moment Allen introduced us.”
I stopped and stared. That couldn’t be true. Maybe he’d said that he loved me sort of fast, but nothing about our relationship was normal. We’d found each other under strange and intense circumstances. That was all. He’d been my friend and things had just gone from there.
He hadn’t thought about me as anything other than a friend before...
He’d kissed me.
The memory shocked me.
I remembered, of course, the first time Jasper and I had slept together, how accepting he’d been of whatever I wanted to do with what had happened. I’d been the one to kiss him then and it had been impulsive. I’d been drunk and lonely, but I’d wanted him.
But that hadn’t been the first time we’d kissed. He’d kissed me before that. Two months before. Was it possible that the reason he’d done it, the reason he’d freaked out so badly afterwards, was because he’d been wanting to do it before Allen had died?
“You what?” The words were barely a whisper.
“I’ve been in love with you for eight years, Shae.” Jasper’s voice was as soft as mine, but he wasn’t looking at me. “But you were Allen’s.”
“Why...you...” This was not how I’d expected this conversation to go. Or any conversation to go for that matter.
“Like I said. You were Allen’s.” He shrugged. “And after...it just didn’t seem important.”
“Not important.” I kept staring at him as my brain tried to process what he was saying.
How could I not have known?
Had Allen known?
I couldn’t believe that Allen would’ve known and not said something, but how does a person tell his girlfriend – his wife – that his best friend is in love with her? If Allen had known, how could he and Jasper still have stayed friends?
But that wasn’t the point. None of this was the point, was it?
It didn’t matter what Allen had known or hadn’t known. It didn’t matter that Jasper’d had this...crush on me for years. Or even if he really had loved me. It didn’t change anything. I had to focus on the matter at hand.
Unless...
An icy hand squeezed my heart and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
Jasper had been in love with me for years.
I had chosen Allen.
The fact that I hadn’t known it had been a choice didn’t really matter. I’d picked Allen, which meant I hadn’t picked Jasper.
For eight years, he’d wanted someone he couldn’t have. He’d watched me fall in love with his best friend. Watched us get engaged. Get married.
He’d watched the woman he said he loved get married to his best friend.
I couldn’t imagine how hard that had been.
And that was where the question came in.
Had it been too much?
Had all the years of watching and wanting been too much for him?
I’d always thought of him as this controlled, quiet man, but since we’d been together, I’d seen the passion in him, seen the intensity. Was it possible that it had been there all along? Bubbling under the surface and he’d simply snapped?
Had Allen come to him and said he’d thought he was sick...and Jasper had seen it as an opportunity?
The idea made me sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t stop it from taking root.
Had Jasper done the tests, seen that Allen was fine, but then thought that maybe this was his chance? Had he known his friend well enough to know that if Allen thought he was going to die a horrible, slow death, he’d end it? And if Jasper had known that, had he decided that the best way to get what he wanted was to tell Allen that he was dying?
It was too horrible to consider, but there it was.
Had Jasper wanted me enough to set in motion my husband’s suicide?
Had he maybe even suggested the option to Allen?
I swallowed hard and rubbed at my arms again, but the friction did nothing against the chill inside me.
“Jasper, tell me the truth. All of it.”
“I have.” He shook his head. “How can you not believe me? After everything...”
I looked down at the file and then back up at Jasper. He’d lied to me before. Now I was finding out that everything in our past was essentially a lie too. He’d pretended to be my friend when he’d always wanted more. How could I believe he was telling the truth now?
“Get out.”
He stared at me even though I knew he’d heard me.
“I mean it, Jasper.” I made my voice as hard as I could. “I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.”
He flinched.
“Leave.”
He held my gaze for a moment and then turned around and walked away without a word. It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that I let myself give in to the tears.
Chapter 25
I didn’t sleep at all that night.
I’d already spent so much of the past five months crying that I hated it. I hated the physical feeling of it as much or more than the emotional part of it. But I couldn’t stop myself. I was torn up inside. I wanted to believe Jasper, but there were so many things stacked against him. And there was no way to find out the truth. Allen couldn’t vouch for his friend, couldn’t tell me if Jasper was lying or being honest. It was only Jasper’s word against the physical evidence I had.
I spent the rest of Friday night and into the early hours of Saturday morning curled up in my bed, staring into the darkness and wondering how I’d gotten here. How, in less than a year, had things gone so wrong? I was supposed to be with my husband, trying to get pregnant or planning for a baby. I wasn’t supposed to be alone in my house, crying over the betrayal of my new lover, my husband’s best friend.
My life was so fucked up.
When I thought about it, I had to admit that was a large part of why I was so upset. Things had just started to look like they were getting back to normal. Sure, there had still been a few things that still needed to be worked out, but it wasn’t the chaos and uncertainty of before. I had my home. No one was going to take that from me. I was teaching and the routine was familiar and good. Things with Jasper had been solid and we’d been falling into the rhythm of living together.
Now it had all gone to shit.
Again.
I knew I had to accept responsibility for parts of it. I had been the one to go through Jasper’s files and then read Allen’s emails. But, whether or not I’d done either of those things, the past had still happened. Allen had still believed he was dying and he’d still killed himself. Whatever Jasper’s role in that had been, it wouldn’t have changed if I’d left the box alone and never found out any of it.
r /> My relationship with Jasper was my own fault though. The first night we’d slept together, I’d kissed him. I’d forgiven him after I’d gotten Allen’s letter in the mail. I’d been the one who’d kept asking him to come around since the beginning, simply because I hadn’t wanted to be alone. I’d been the one to push things forward. I’d asked him to move in with me. My heartbreak had been my own doing.
Now I had another choice to make and whatever happened as a result would rest solely on me.
It was that decision that actually kept me awake all night, not crying over Jasper and Allen. I had to decide what to do with the new information I’d stumbled upon. I hadn’t taken Allen’s letter to the police because I hadn’t wanted Jasper to get in trouble for falsifying Allen’s medical records. But now it looked like Jasper hadn’t done that. It had been Allen he’d lied to, not the insurance company.
All of the choices and possibilities ran circles in my mind as the minutes slowly ticked past. When it finally hit five o’clock, I knew there was no point in staying in bed any longer, no matter how much I wanted to pull the blankets over my head and forget everything that had happened.
Forgetting, unfortunately, wasn’t really an option. Even if I stayed in bed, I’d be constantly reminded that the bed was empty. That the two men I’d brought into it were gone.
I took a long, hot shower and the white noise of the water helped calm my thoughts for a short while. As soon as I climbed out of the shower, however, everything came rushing back. I knew the longer I waited to make my decision, the harder it would be. And if I did go to the police, I was sure that the detectives working Allen’s case would find my delay curious. I knew at least Detective Reed was suspicious of me. I’d gotten the impression that he was the kind of man who had a chip on his shoulder when it came to women in general. I hoped Detective Rheingard was more interested in justice than blaming me, but if I kept putting things off, even he would have to wonder why.
It wasn’t until I started thinking about how the two detectives would react to me bringing in the letter and files that I realized I was seriously considering turning over evidence that could lead to Jasper being arrested for Allen’s death.