Chapter XIII
Here was wrought a surprizing change in my friend. What was it thathad shaken conviction so firm? Had any thing occurred during my fit,adequate to produce so total an alteration? My attendants informed methat he had not left my apartment; that the unusual duration of my fit,and the failure, for a time, of all the means used for my recovery, hadfilled him with grief and dismay. Did he regard the effect which hisreproaches had produced as a proof of my sincerity?
In this state of mind, I little regarded my languors of body. I roseand requested an interview with him before my departure, on which I wasresolved, notwithstanding his earnest solicitation to spend the nightat his house. He complied with my request. The tenderness which he hadlately betrayed, had now disappeared, and he once more relapsed into achilling solemnity.
I told him that I was preparing to return to my brother's; that I hadcome hither to vindicate my innocence from the foul aspersions which hehad cast upon it. My pride had not taken refuge in silence or distance.I had not relied upon time, or the suggestion of his cooler thoughts, toconfute his charges. Conscious as I was that I was perfectly guiltless,and entertaining some value for his good opinion, I could not prevailupon myself to believe that my efforts to make my innocence manifest,would be fruitless. Adverse appearances might be numerous and specious,but they were unquestionably false. I was willing to believe himsincere, that he made no charges which he himself did not believe; butthese charges were destitute of truth. The grounds of his opinion werefallacious; and I desired an opportunity of detecting their fallacy.I entreated him to be explicit, and to give me a detail of what he hadheard, and what he had seen.
At these words, my companion's countenance grew darker. He appearedto be struggling with his rage. He opened his lips to speak, but hisaccents died away ere they were formed. This conflict lasted for someminutes, but his fortitude was finally successful. He spoke as follows:
"I would fain put an end to this hateful scene: what I shall say, willbe breath idly and unprofitably consumed. The clearest narrative willadd nothing to your present knowledge. You are acquainted with thegrounds of my opinion, and yet you avow yourself innocent: Why thenshould I rehearse these grounds? You are apprized of the character ofCarwin: Why then should I enumerate the discoveries which I have maderespecting him? Yet, since it is your request; since, considering thelimitedness of human faculties, some error may possibly lurk in thoseappearances which I have witnessed, I will briefly relate what I know.
"Need I dwell upon the impressions which your conversation anddeportment originally made upon me? We parted in childhood; but ourintercourse, by letter, was copious and uninterrupted. How fondly did Ianticipate a meeting with one whom her letters had previously taughtme to consider as the first of women, and how fully realized were theexpectations that I had formed!
"Here, said I, is a being, after whom sages may model their transcendentintelligence, and painters, their ideal beauty. Here is exemplified,that union between intellect and form, which has hitherto existed onlyin the conceptions of the poet. I have watched your eyes; my attentionhas hung upon your lips. I have questioned whether the enchantments ofyour voice were more conspicuous in the intricacies of melody, or theemphasis of rhetoric. I have marked the transitions of your discourse,the felicities of your expression, your refined argumentation, andglowing imagery; and been forced to acknowledge, that all delights weremeagre and contemptible, compared with those connected with theaudience and sight of you. I have contemplated your principles, and beenastonished at the solidity of their foundation, and the perfection oftheir structure. I have traced you to your home. I have viewed you inrelation to your servants, to your family, to your neighbours, and tothe world. I have seen by what skilful arrangements you facilitatethe performance of the most arduous and complicated duties; what dailyaccessions of strength your judicious discipline bestowed uponyour memory; what correctness and abundance of knowledge was dailyexperienced by your unwearied application to books, and to writing.If she that possesses so much in the bloom of youth, will go onaccumulating her stores, what, said I, is the picture she will displayat a mature age?
"You know not the accuracy of my observation. I was desirous that othersshould profit by an example so rare. I therefore noted down, in writing,every particular of your conduct. I was anxious to benefit by anopportunity so seldom afforded us. I laboured not to omit the slightestshade, or the most petty line in your portrait. Here there was no othertask incumbent on me but to copy; there was no need to exaggerate oroverlook, in order to produce a more unexceptionable pattern. Here wasa combination of harmonies and graces, incapable of diminution oraccession without injury to its completeness.
"I found no end and no bounds to my task. No display of a scene likethis could be chargeable with redundancy or superfluity. Even the colourof a shoe, the knot of a ribband, or your attitude in plucking arose, were of moment to be recorded. Even the arrangements of yourbreakfast-table and your toilet have been amply displayed.
"I know that mankind are more easily enticed to virtue by example thanby precept. I know that the absoluteness of a model, when supplied byinvention, diminishes its salutary influence, since it is useless, wethink, to strive after that which we know to be beyond our reach. Butthe picture which I drew was not a phantom; as a model, it was devoidof imperfection; and to aspire to that height which had been reallyattained, was by no means unreasonable. I had another and moreinteresting object in view. One existed who claimed all my tenderness.Here, in all its parts, was a model worthy of assiduous study, andindefatigable imitation. I called upon her, as she wished to secure andenhance my esteem, to mould her thoughts, her words, her countenance,her actions, by this pattern.
"The task was exuberant of pleasure, and I was deeply engaged in it,when an imp of mischief was let loose in the form of Carwin. I admiredhis powers and accomplishments. I did not wonder that they were admiredby you. On the rectitude of your judgement, however, I relied to keepthis admiration within discreet and scrupulous bounds. I assured myself,that the strangeness of his deportment, and the obscurity of his life,would teach you caution. Of all errors, my knowledge of your characterinformed me that this was least likely to befall you.
"You were powerfully affected by his first appearance; you werebewitched by his countenance and his tones; your description was ardentand pathetic: I listened to you with some emotions of surprize. Theportrait you drew in his absence, and the intensity with which you musedupon it, were new and unexpected incidents. They bespoke a sensibilitysomewhat too vivid; but from which, while subjected to the guidance ofan understanding like yours, there was nothing to dread.
"A more direct intercourse took place between you. I need not apologizefor the solicitude which I entertained for your safety. He that giftedme with perception of excellence, compelled me to love it. In the midstof danger and pain, my contemplations have ever been cheered by yourimage. Every object in competition with you, was worthless and trivial.No price was too great by which your safety could be purchased. Forthat end, the sacrifice of ease, of health, and even of life, wouldcheerfully have been made by me. What wonder then, that I scrutinizedthe sentiments and deportment of this man with ceaseless vigilance;that I watched your words and your looks when he was present; and that Iextracted cause for the deepest inquietudes, from every token which yougave of having put your happiness into this man's keeping?
"I was cautious in deciding. I recalled the various conversations inwhich the topics of love and marriage had been discussed. As a woman,young, beautiful, and independent, it behoved you to have fortifiedyour mind with just principles on this subject. Your principles wereeminently just. Had not their rectitude and their firmness been attestedby your treatment of that specious seducer Dashwood? These principles,I was prone to believe, exempted you from danger in this new state ofthings. I was not the last to pay my homage to the unrivalled capacity,insinuation, and eloquence of this man. I have disguised, but couldnever stifle the conviction, that his eyes and voice
had a witchcraftin them, which rendered him truly formidable: but I reflected on theambiguous expression of his countenance--an ambiguity which you were thefirst to remark; on the cloud which obscured his character; and on thesuspicious nature of that concealment which he studied; and concludedyou to be safe. I denied the obvious construction to appearances. Ireferred your conduct to some principle which had not been hithertodisclosed, but which was reconcileable with those already known.
"I was not suffered to remain long in this suspence. One evening, youmay recollect, I came to your house, where it was my purpose, as usual,to lodge, somewhat earlier than ordinary. I spied a light in yourchamber as I approached from the outside, and on inquiring of Judith,was informed that you were writing. As your kinsman and friend, andfellow-lodger, I thought I had a right to be familiar. You were in yourchamber, but your employment and the time were such as to make it noinfraction of decorum to follow you thither. The spirit of mischievousgaiety possessed me. I proceeded on tiptoe. You did not perceivemy entrance; and I advanced softly till I was able to overlook yourshoulder.
"I had gone thus far in error, and had no power to recede. Howcautiously should we guard against the first inroads of temptation! Iknew that to pry into your papers was criminal; but I reflected thatno sentiment of yours was of a nature which made it your interest toconceal it. You wrote much more than you permitted your friends toperuse. My curiosity was strong, and I had only to throw a glance uponthe paper, to secure its gratification. I should never have deliberatelycommitted an act like this. The slightest obstacle would have repelledme; but my eye glanced almost spontaneously upon the paper. I caughtonly parts of sentences; but my eyes comprehended more at a glance,because the characters were short-hand. I lighted on the wordsSUMMER-HOUSE, MIDNIGHT, and made out a passage which spoke of thepropriety and of the effects to be expected from ANOTHER interview.All this passed in less than a moment. I then checked myself, and mademyself known to you, by a tap upon your shoulder.
"I could pardon and account for some trifling alarm; but yourtrepidation and blushes were excessive. You hurried the paper out ofsight, and seemed too anxious to discover whether I knew the contents toallow yourself to make any inquiries. I wondered at these appearancesof consternation, but did not reason on them until I had retired. Whenalone, these incidents suggested themselves to my reflections anew.
"To what scene, or what interview, I asked, did you allude? Yourdisappearance on a former evening, my tracing you to the recess in thebank, your silence on my first and second call, your vague answers andinvincible embarrassment, when you, at length, ascended the hill, Irecollected with new surprize. Could this be the summerhouse alluded to?A certain timidity and consciousness had generally attended you, whenthis incident and this recess had been the subjects of conversation.Nay, I imagined that the last time that adventure was mentioned, whichhappened in the presence of Carwin, the countenance of the latterbetrayed some emotion. Could the interview have been with him?
"This was an idea calculated to rouse every faculty to contemplation.An interview at that hour, in this darksome retreat, with a man of thismysterious but formidable character; a clandestine interview, and onewhich you afterwards endeavoured with so much solicitude to conceal! Itwas a fearful and portentous occurrence. I could not measure his power,or fathom his designs. Had he rifled from you the secret of your love,and reconciled you to concealment and noctural meetings? I scarcely everspent a night of more inquietude.
"I knew not how to act. The ascertainment of this man's characterand views seemed to be, in the first place, necessary. Had he openlypreferred his suit to you, we should have been impowered to makedirect inquiries; but since he had chosen this obscure path, it seemedreasonable to infer that his character was exceptionable. It, atleast, subjected us to the necessity of resorting to other means ofinformation. Yet the improbability that you should commit a deed of suchrashness, made me reflect anew upon the insufficiency of those groundson which my suspicions had been built, and almost to condemn myself forharbouring them.
"Though it was mere conjecture that the interview spoken of had takenplace with Carwin, yet two ideas occurred to involve me in the mostpainful doubts. This man's reasonings might be so specious, andhis artifices so profound, that, aided by the passion which you hadconceived for him, he had finally succeeded; or his situation might besuch as to justify the secrecy which you maintained. In neither case didmy wildest reveries suggest to me, that your honor had been forfeited.
"I could not talk with you on this subject. If the imputation was false,its atrociousness would have justly drawn upon me your resentment, andI must have explained by what facts it had been suggested. If it weretrue, no benefit would follow from the mention of it. You had chosento conceal it for some reasons, and whether these reasons were true orfalse, it was proper to discover and remove them in the first place.Finally, I acquiesced in the least painful supposition, trammelled as itwas with perplexities, that Carwin was upright, and that, if the reasonsof your silence were known, they would be found to be just."