"You're not the first one to lose someone, you insensitive pendejo," she says, her biting words meant to strike hard before she storms out.
Her words bite. Too much.
I wonder how much lower I can sink.
Chapter Thirty-two
MONIKA
Waking up today was easy. Looking forward to seeing Vic at school made me jump out of bed and forget the aches in my joints. Since Trey died, everything has been screwed up. Having Vic back at school will bring some normalcy to life--at least that's what I've been telling myself.
I pull into the school parking lot and, with a fresh spring in my step, walk to the senior hallway.
"Hey," I say to Ashtyn and Derek, who are sitting in front of their lockers.
Ash looks up at me. "You're smiling."
"I know."
She nudges Derek. "Do you see that? My best friend is happy today."
Derek nods. "Yep. I see it." He sounds unsure when he looks up at me. "Congratulations?" Ash whacks him in his arm, and he shrugs. "Sorry, I don't know what to say."
Ash rolls her eyes and stands. "Guys are clueless." She hooks her arm around mine. "I'm glad you're doing better," she says. "I was worried about you. You don't call me back, and whenever you text me it's so short."
"I know. I'm sorry."
She shoos away my words with a wave of her hand. "Don't be sorry, Monika. I've been conflicted on whether or not I should push you to do stuff or leave you alone. We all miss Trey--and Vic."
Ashtyn and Vic are good friends on and off the football field. I know it's been hard for her not having him around. Trey's death left a void in our group of friends. The fact that Vic left has made life unbearable, which is why it's so important that he comes back.
I can't hold in the news any longer. "Vic's coming back to school today," I tell her.
Ash's eyes go wide. "What? Are you sure? How do you know?" Her questions come out fast, like bullets flying out of a machine gun.
"I talked to him."
"On the phone?"
I shake my head. "No. I saw him."
"You saw him? Where?"
"In Fairfield," I tell her, then add, "at Enrique's Auto Body."
"So he actually told you he's coming back?"
I nod. "Yep. He promised."
But by third period, Vic still hasn't shown up.
By sixth period, he hasn't shown up.
By seventh period, I get upset because it's obvious he's a no-show.
By ninth period, I'm pissed.
After school, I head to cheerleading practice. I've missed so many practices, but I know that Bree is covering for me.
I find her on the grassy area by the bleachers, warming up with the rest of the squad.
"Wow. I didn't think you'd be here," Bree says when I walk up to her.
I shed my hoodie and drop my water bottle on the grass. "I didn't want to miss more practice."
Bree looks confused. "We expected you to take more time off, Monika."
"Well I'm here."
The girls are silent now, all eyes on me. I look at the varsity squad and notice that they're all in formation. And Cassidy Richards is standing in my place.
"What's going on?"
"Cassidy's filling in for you," Bree explains. "Until you come back."
"I am back."
"No. I mean... for sure. But you missed practices the past couple of weeks, and since we didn't know if you were coming back, we made this new routine up and..." She smiles wide, and her ponytail whips around her face. "You should watch it! It's really cool. Cassidy went to some cheer camp in California for spring break last year, and they taught her a bunch of stuff that she shared with us."
"That's awesome," I say, forcing the words out of my mouth. "I can't wait to see it."
A cry of relief breaks from her lips. "Oh, that's great! Okay, you sit right there," she says excitedly, pointing to a spot on the ground. "We'll do the routine, and you watch. You're gonna think it's the coolest!"
I sit on the grass and watch the routine to new music I haven't heard before, then a complicated F formation with really cool movements to match the steps.
Truth is, Cassidy does a great job. And I can feel my arthritis more now. I massage my wrists hoping to relieve the constant ache.
"Wow," is all I can say when the routine is over.
Bree claps a bunch of times at the girls--and herself. "So you like it, Monika? It's awesome, isn't it?"
I nod, my neck feeling heavy and stiff. "It's really awesome."
Bree isn't the kind of girl to be subtle, and now is no exception. She's totally preoccupied with herself. She's one of my best friends, but sometimes I wonder if our friendship would fade away if I weren't co-captain of the cheer squad. "I was thinking we shouldn't do it at the pep rally, but instead wait to do it at the next game during halftime." She kneels beside me. "Of course we'll teach you the routine so you can take Cassidy's place. Unless you want to give her the spotlight since you've missed so much--"
"For sure," I tell her, cutting her off. I pretend like it's no big deal. "Cassidy's doing a great job. She should be up front and take the lead."
"Really?" Cassidy's eyes go all wide, and her hands fly to her mouth like she just won the lottery. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah." I'm not lying when I add, "I mean, you guys look amazing. Bree's right. If it's okay with everyone, I'm gonna bow out and let you guys finish up the season."
"You want to quit the squad?" Bree asks.
I nod. "Yeah." I actually don't want to quit, but it's obvious I've been replaced and nobody expects me to cheer again this year.
I watch them for a little while longer, feeling like a relative nobody wants around anymore. When they all go inside to cool down, I take my water bottle and slip back into my hoodie.
I always thought I had life all figured out.
Turns out I was wrong.
Chapter Thirty-three
VICTOR
I hate myself for missing Trey's funeral.
I couldn't deal with the crowds of people who'd pay their respects to a guy who was our hometown hero. He was on track to be valedictorian, to go to some Ivy League school, and make something of himself. The people of Fremont would always be able to remind themselves that greatness comes from Fremont.
Well, now Trey is gone.
The only thing I'll remind Fremont of is a loser kid who was responsible for their hometown hero's death.
That's the legacy I've left there.
I've tried to avoid going to the cemetery because seeing Trey's grave means that all this is real. When I lie on Isa's couch, I can tell myself that the outside world doesn't exist. When I'm sleeping, I can escape reality and be oblivious to the fact that my life crumbled beneath my feet.
But when my eyes are open, nightmares come crashing down on me.
I can't delay the reality of Trey's death any longer. Ignoring the fact that my best friend is six feet under is another clue that I'm subhuman, not worthy of living on the same air that Trey should be living on right now.
I miss him so fucking much.
After I shower and change into clean clothes, I leave Isa's and drive to the cemetery. I'm shaking the entire time, my insides feeling like jelly. I don't want to face the reality of my friend dying. The fact that I did it to him is just... I can't do this.
But I have to.
For Trey.
I might not have any dignity left, but I have respect for my best friend. Visiting his grave is the least I can do.
It's not hard to find Trey's gravesite. A ton of flowers surrounds the mound of dirt still marking the place where they lowered his casket. When I catch sight of a small wooden temporary marker with the name TREY AARON MATTHEWS, my eyes start to water.
I walk up to the grave, and a wave of emotions comes over me. Shit. There's a damn lump in my throat that won't go away, no matter how many times I swallow. This is fucking hard. Reality fucking sucks. I hate this.
I b
ow my head.
What do I say? Do I just start talking to him?
"Hey, man," I mumble as I swipe a tear away.
Trey is here, I can feel his presence. Hell, knowing him, he probably made a deal with God to watch over his body so nothing bad happened to it.
"I'm so s-s-sorry." I choke out the words.
But my apology isn't accepted. It can't be, because he's gone. I'll have to live with this debilitating guilt for the rest of my life, because he's never gonna absolve me of my sins.
"I'm lost. What do you want me to do, Trey? We were supposed to stay friends forever."
Why is forever so short?
"Here, I brought you this," I say, holding out a pretty yellow rose. "I jacked it off one of Isa's rosebushes in back of the body shop. I swear she won't miss it. She's too busy shaking off Bernie's advances."
I stand here, staring at the mound of dirt and imagining the casket with my best friend peacefully lying inside it.
"You know I need your help," I say. "I don't deserve to be here. I wish I could switch places with you, Trey. For real."
If I killed myself, this misery I feel would be over.
I let down Trey, and I let down my team. They've lost every game since Trey died. I'm a coward, because I should be able to stand there while they tell me I'm a piece of shit and ruined their chances at a state championship.
It's my fault.
And it's eating away at me.
All I had was football and my teammates. When my old man said I was worthless, my teammates were right there to tell me I was valuable. When Cassidy posted shit about me online, my teammates laughed about it instead of confirming her accusations that I was a jerk.
Now I don't have my teammates. I don't have my best friend. My sisters don't have me to protect them anymore. I lost everything that was important to me.
And to top it all off, the girl I care most about in life, the girl I can never call mine, hates me.
A sliver of sun shines down on the mound of dirt. It's a weird shape, like a lightning bolt.
That's the only sign I get from Trey.
What does it mean? I don't know. If the roles were reversed, Trey would have all the answers. He always had the answers.
I, on the other hand, don't have any.
Chapter Thirty-four
MONIKA
"Have you been talking to the social workers at school?" Mom asks me when I walk downstairs in the morning.
"Not really. Why?"
She shrugs. "Because your father and I have noticed a change in you. You seem to have more energy, and I actually caught you smiling when you came home from cheerleading practice yesterday. I haven't seen you smile for weeks."
Oh, yeah, I forgot to spill the news.
Here goes...
"I quit cheerleading," I tell her.
"What?"
"Yeah. And before you go freaking out, it's what I want. My body can't do it anymore. I'm not really into it since, well, you know."
Her brows furrow and she looks like she's about to cry. "I'm so sorry, sweetie."
"Stop saying that. I'm okay. I'll be okay. I promise."
Mom pats the top of my head. "Your dad and I have been worried about you. We know Trey's death has hit you hard. I'm not going to lie and tell you we thought you'd end up marrying him, but we know you cared for him deeply."
I nod. I did care for him, but I failed to care enough.
"Want me to drive you to school and pick you up?" she asks.
"No. Actually, I got an after-school job." When I see her shocked face and know she's going to drill me, I lie and add, "It's a volunteer job. At the rehab center. I need the volunteer hours to graduate and, well, now that I'm not cheerleading I have the time to do it."
"Oh. Okay." She grabs her purse and keys. "If you need anything, just call me. I'll expect a text from you letting me know when you'll be home." She raises a brow. "Okay?"
"Okay."
"And if your body starts aching or they make you stand for more than an hour, tell them you need special accommodations due to your condition."
"Got it. I'll be fine, Mom," I say, urging her out the door. "Don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you, sweetie," she says.
That's the problem.
I'm sick of people treating me like Trey or my illness defines me. Sure, for a long time Trey was a big part of my life... well, until he started cheating on me and using drugs to get himself through the day. I felt so alone when I was with him the past few months, it was as if we weren't even friends. At first I hadn't wanted to believe that our relationship was changing. The truth was he was changing and left me in the dust.
I need to get my mind off the guilt I've been feeling since Trey died. When I'm at the auto body shop, I forget about feeling guilty. I forget about being sad. I actually feel like I have a purpose.
Isabel doesn't treat me like I'm fragile. She doesn't care that I'm from Fremont or that I have a medical condition. I love that.
The fact that Vic is living upstairs just fuels a fire in me that had been missing. I haven't felt that inner fire in a long time.
When I get to school, I head directly for the cheerleading coach's office and officially inform her that I'm going to resign from the cheer squad. She doesn't seem surprised or upset. Instead, she smiles and tells me in order to heal I need to concentrate on myself.
"I quit cheerleading," I tell Ashtyn as we walk to first period together.
Her eyes go wide. "Seriously?"
I nod. "Yep."
My best friend slows her pace and says, "Something's up. I can tell."
I look down at the books in my hand. "Nothing's up. I just missed so much cheerleading practice, and things have been weird since Trey died. I needed to make a change."
She looks at me sideways. "I worry about you."
"That's the problem." I stop and tell her what's on my mind. "I'm sick and tired of everyone worrying about me, Ash. It's like I've got this cloud over my head, and everyone is trying to come in with an umbrella so the raindrops don't get on me. I feel suffocated." I look down. "I don't expect you to understand."
"It doesn't matter if I understand it or not, Monika. I've asked you so many times why you're always massaging your wrists, but you don't tell me. You keep so much of yourself hidden from everyone, even me." She shrugs. "If you want to be left alone, I'll leave you alone. Just know I'm here when you need me. Always."
I look into her eyes, and I can tell that she doesn't hold any resentment.
"I love you," I tell her.
She hugs me. "I love you too." When she walks away, she shakes a finger in my direction. "But I'm warning you. I'm giving you space but not forever. In a couple of weeks, if I don't hear from you, I'll be camping out at your house, and you know how much I hate camping and bugs. I need my best friend back at some point."
"You have Bree," I tell her.
Her response is a hearty laugh that echoes through the Fremont High hallways. "If you think Bree and you are in the same league, guess again. I don't know what I'd do without you, girl. You and me are besties for life. I know that sounds super dorky, but it's true."
I float through my classes the rest of the day, itching for the last bell to ring so I can head over to the body shop.
After school, I rush out of the building and quickly head for Fairfield where my job--and Vic--are.
Vic needs to know that I'm not the helpless girl he thinks I am.
I'm going to prove him wrong, even if I test my limits in the process.
Chapter Thirty-five
VICTOR
Checking up on my sisters isn't easy, especially when one of them is determined to slip out of my sight.
I meet Marissa at the library in Fremont. I walk up to the private room she reserved wearing a hoodie and shielding my face as much as possible.
"You okay?" I ask Marissa.
She glances at me and pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "I'm copace
tic."
"Copacetic? Seriously?" I raise a brow. "Marissa, you know I have no fuckin' clue what that means. Speak English." Her crazy vocabulary reminds me of Trey.
"It is English, Vic," she says in a regal tone that's purely Marissa. "It means that I'm doing just fine. How are you holding up? I know Trey was your best friend."
I shrug. "I'm surviving." The great thing about Marissa is that she doesn't pry, cause drama, or ask too many questions. "How's Dani?"
"She ran away from home a few days ago," she says. "But she came back yesterday. Papa was pissed."
"I'll bet." I wonder briefly if she snuck off to be with Bonk, a guy who'll take advantage of the fact that her big brother isn't in the picture to protect her. "Still no word from Mom?"
She chuckles. "No. She's never coming back, you know."
I knew that mi'ama probably wouldn't leave Mexico, but I never brought it up with either of my sisters. It's not like it would've done any good. Talking about it wouldn't bring her back. Knowing about it is one thing. Talking about it brings it to a whole new level of reality.
I don't want Marissa to feel abandoned. I might be gone physically, but I'm still her big brother. "Do you need anythin' from me?" I ask her.
She looks at me, her big brown eyes innocent but sharp. "I'm not going to say I don't need you, because I do. Dani needs you, too, even if she'd never admit it." She sighs. "But just like Mom needed to escape, you need it. I just hope..." Her voice fades off.
"That I'll come back?"
She nods. "Yes."
"I'll always keep an eye on you, manita."
"I know you will." She stands up and slips on her backpack. "But promise me one thing."
"What's that?"
She gives me a small smile. "I know what happened with Trey hit you hard, but you need to heal and be happy. If that means you're never coming back home, I understand. That's what Mom needed."
Happy? That's never been a goal of mine. "Are you happy?"
She gives a small chuckle. "I'm copacetic."
Talking to my sister leaves a lump in my throat. I pull her close and hug her tight. "If you need me, just call and I'll come runnin'."
She clutches me close. "I know. Just take care of yourself, Vic."
After we talk for a few more minutes, I duck out of the library. On my way back to Isa's, I think about what Marissa said. She wants me to be happy. She knows I don't know what that means. Happiness is just as much in my vocabulary as copacetic or whatever the hell that word was.