Martha was a little right but mostly she was wrong.
The last three months hadn’t been about building a Tessa O’Hara who, if Jake slash Brock saw her again, he would think, “Whoa, shit, I fucked up screwing over that.”
It had been about finding out who I was.
No, not even that.
It had been about not being who I was becoming.
The day after I got interrogated by a member of a multiagency task force regarding my ex-husband’s criminal exploits, I looked in the mirror, examined myself, and came to the uneasy knowledge that I had no fucking clue who I was, no clue where I was going, and no clue who I wanted to be.
The only thing I knew, looking in the mirror that day and all the days since, was that I knew I didn’t want to be me.
So I was trying a new me on for size.
In all this examining, I knew I’d been doing this unconsciously for a while, drifting through life just as Martha said, with my head in the sand. But along the way I was apathetically trying on new versions of me. I wasn’t paying a lick of attention, so unlike other women, sometime in my late twenties or my thirties, I did not find the me that fit.
I liked decorating cakes. I got off on the fact people thought they were beautiful and loved to eat them. I was really proud of my bakery, how it looked, how inviting it was inside and the fact I could do something I loved and make a decent living with it.
But that was as far as I’d gotten.
I got derailed along the way, and during my three months of mirror examinations of my face, my hair, my body, and my soul, I knew it was when I met Damian.
He wasn’t hard on the eyes but he wasn’t hot either.
What he was was charismatic.
He could so totally be the leader of a cult of fanatics who were disenfranchised and needed to latch onto someone strong and compelling so they could let go of the struggle of daily decisions, their consequences both good and bad, and allow someone to show them their path.
I knew this because it happened to me.
He was a stockbroker then, youngish but already successful, going places, driven. He sucked me in with his charisma and big personality and nice car and great clothes and large lifestyle. But it was me who kept my head buried in the sand and didn’t notice he had a very short fuse, an explosive temper, and his drive was unhealthy. He had to have the nicest car, house, clothes and he needed to prove his manhood in a variety of ways—with me, fucking other women, and besting other men.
Even though, early, this started to crawl through my skin, gather in my belly, and tighten up, curling in on itself and sitting there, poisoning me all the while I kept my head buried and ignored it. Until it got to the point he was backhanding me to end an argument and then he raped me one night when I told him I was not in the mood. We argued about it. This argument escalated beyond reason. He suddenly and terrifyingly lost his mind and took what he wanted anyway.
So that happened.
And that was then.
This was now.
Was I right back where I started? Starting something, eyes closed, head buried, hope springing eternal with a magnetic, moody, driven man who was going to suck me into his captivating but dysfunctional vortex with him not giving a damn how banged up I got swirling around in his personal cyclone?
On this thought, I heard the knock on the front door.
Perfect timing.
I gave myself one last long look in the mirror. Then, stupidly hopeful or intuitively right, either way, feeling cautious, unsure, and hesitant, my feet took me to the front door.
I got up on my toes and looked out the little square window to see Brock standing there, head turned, eyes aimed to the street. I opened the door and saw what his eyes were aimed at.
Martha and Elvira were standing beside Martha’s car, and even in the light cast only by a Denver streetlamp, I could see Martha was glaring daggers at Brock and Elvira was summing him up and I knew with them being there that their timing was planned.
Well, on the bright side, it was good to know my friend got a ride.
“Hey,” I whispered, and his head turned to me.
His mouth was twitching before he noted, “I take it you filled in your posse.”
“Uh…” I mumbled.
His lip twitch became a grin. He planted a hand on my belly and shoved me inside as he entered.
“Hey, guys!” I called in order not to be rude.
“Be smart!” Martha shouted back, clearly not feeling the need not to be rude, for her words could have only one meaning and Brock firmly shut the door.
Well, I guess that conversation was over.
I looked up at him. He was still grinning.
Damn.
“You get beer?” he asked and I nodded.
He left me at the door and walked through my living room to the kitchen in the back.
I went to the window and saw that Martha and Elvira were conferring.
The good news was, if there was a way to buy explosives and fuses on the Internet, they had not had time to send in their order and receive it. The other good news was, unless you had contacts in the criminal underworld or with mercenaries or the like, such items were not available on the open market. I knew Martha had no such contacts. Elvira was a wildcard.
The bad news was, for Martha to have so much drama in her life, that meant she was a creative person and I figured Elvira was too. And I didn’t think this was good.
“Babe, you want one?” I heard Brock call, and I called back, “No,” as I kept watching the terrible twosome plotting outside.
Apparently I did this long enough for Brock to pop the cap on a cold one and return to me, for suddenly my blinds were snapped shut.
I blinked at the closed blinds. Then I turned to him just in time to watch him lean in to me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the sofa.
He sat.
Then he did what he used to do. That was, tug me down so I was sitting astride him.
Brock liked to talk like this and I couldn’t say I hated it. In fact, I liked it. There was an intimacy to it that was nice, a connection that felt good and, I had to admit, it was comfy.
And as I said, he was touchy. I always thought it was a little weird, but in a good way, that this tough, rough, wild man liked closeness so much and so often. I thought it said a lot about him and all of it was good.
Now I wasn’t so sure.
He took a drag off his beer, his silver eyes not leaving my face.
When he dropped his hand, both came to rest on my thighs. But the one not holding a beer was open, moving slowly and soothingly up to my hip, down my thigh, and back again (something else he used to do, something else I used to like and now something I still liked).
He remarked, “I see my sweet Tess has spent some time gettin’ her head filled with shit.”
Hmm. I didn’t know if he was right or wrong about that.
“Brock,” I whispered, but said no more.
This obviously was okay, for Brock was in the mood to talk.
“Lot about women I do not get. The biggest is that they listen to each other’s shit. No one knows what goes down between a woman and her man except that woman. Only thing they know is what went down with their own men. This colors what spews outta their mouths when they’re yammerin’ about their friends’ men even when what they’re sayin’ has got fuck-all to do with the situation at hand.”
“I’m not sure that’s true,” I replied. “Martha is my closest friend and I know she has my best interests at heart.”
“She know you when you married Heller?” he asked and I nodded. “Your girl had your best interests at heart, babe, she woulda tackled you when you were walking down the aisle.”
“She did her best,” I shared, then kept sharing. “She told me she was a bridesmaid under protest. She always hated Damian.”
“How’s she feel about me?” he asked, a question I knew he knew the answer to because Martha had been around him on several occasions a
nd she was not one of those girlfriends who pretended to like their girlfriend’s boyfriend when she didn’t like him. She was one of those girlfriends who stared at the men in their friends’ lives balefully, made catty comments under her breath that were meant to be heard, and pounced on any possible failing the man had, lighting it up like a beacon.
Damian had hated her nearly as much as she hated him.
And since Brock didn’t miss much and he’d been around her on more than one occasion, including just now, I figured he didn’t miss this so I didn’t answer.
He knew why I wasn’t answering, apparently took no offense, and went on. “How long have you known her?”
“Since fifth grade.”
“She doesn’t wear a wedding band.”
“She’s never been married,” I admitted.
“She’s your age and never been married. Clearly a winner when lookin’ for man advice.”
“Brock,” I whispered again, and suddenly his hand snaked up, caught me behind the neck, and pulled me down so my face was close to his.
“You know what’s goin’ down with you and me. You know what you feel when I kiss you. You know what you feel when you sit with me like you’re sittin’ right now. You know what you felt when you were watchin’ me move inside you after I made you come. And you know how you felt in your fuckin’ kitchen six fuckin’ hours ago. She does not know any of that shit.”
“I haven’t been exactly good at picking men,” I pointed out then instantly wished I hadn’t. In fact, I wished I had the power to grab my words and shove them back in my mouth when his hand got tight at my neck, his eyes got hard and glittering, and the extreme voltage of his anger started snapping in the room.
“I am not Heller,” he growled.
“I know,” I whispered, my hands moving to rest on his chest.
His eyes seared into mine. His were molten and not in a good way.
“Okay,” I said softly. “You’re not Damian, but right now, I have to admit, you’re freaking me out.”
“Yeah?” he shot back. “Well, you just linked me to a man who supplied Denver for years with shit that fucked a lot of people’s lives and the lives those people’s shit fucked in turn and who also took his hands to and raped my woman. Sorry I’m freakin’ you out, babe, but you gotta get that doesn’t make me too happy.”
God, for years, no one knew about what happened to me and now…
Now, it was right in my face and it was Brock who kept putting it there.
I closed my eyes and twisted my head away.
Brock kept speaking.
“I know why you aren’t lookin’ at me, Tess, but that shit happened to you. You gotta face it, and for this shit to work between us, one of the people you gotta face it with is me,” he declared. I opened my eyes and turned them back to him.
“So, you’re a law enforcement officer and Denver’s resident sage on how to deal with being raped? Is this what I’m learning about you now?” I asked sarcastically, finding myself no longer hesitant, cautious, and unsure but totally pissed off.
“Yeah, since my sister and a girlfriend of mine both got raped, both of them were bad as that shit always is, but only one of them was by someone they thought they could trust. I think I know something about it,” he fired back and I blinked in shock as this unwelcome but somehow crucial knowledge filtered through me.
Then I whispered, “Sorry?”
He didn’t repeat himself.
Instead, he shared, “My sister got help, she talked about it, she faced it, she dealt with it. Now she’s married and has three kids. Her life’s a fuckin’ mess but it’s a mess of the grape jelly smears on her car upholstery variety. My old girlfriend didn’t get help, she didn’t talk about it, she buried it deep, and her life went right down the toilet. He took what he took from her but, babe, with her not fightin’, she gave him the rest.”
Oh man.
“Brock—”
He cut me off to announce, “Straight up, baby, I wanna explore this with you. I liked what we had. I fuckin’ missed it when it was gone. I want that back and I wanna know how it feels to have it not havin’ my job comin’ between us. This is why I’m here. You want that too. We have to have this conversation. Because I’m in your bed, you’re in mine, I’m in your life, you’re in mine, that motherfucker isn’t going to be there too. You get what I’m sayin’?”
I got what he was saying.
And I also liked that he wanted to explore this with me with everything clear between us and that he missed me when I was gone. I liked it a whole bunch because for three months I felt the same exact way.
“I’ve moved on,” I assured him and just like that, the snap of angry electricity left the air and the sweet, steady hum of his humor hit it.
“Right, my sweet, sexy, totally clueless Tess with her glasses and thick fuckin’ hair and great fuckin’ rack, who can bake a cake most men would trade their balls for and who looks at you like you’re the only motherfuckin’ guy on earth, goes six years without a fuckin’ date when half the guys at your bakery probably come on to you and you have no fuckin’ idea, that Tess has moved on. I see this. Totally. We’re obviously good.”
Okay, there was a lot there that I liked.
A lot.
But there was some of it I didn’t like.
At all.
Therefore, I snapped, “I’m not clueless,” and pulled back on his hand at my neck, which only served to make it tense and bring me closer.
“Tess, darlin’, of all the men who walk into your bakery or come in contact with you through your life, the last one you should take one look at, he smiles at you and asks if you wanna get a beer, you should never have said yes to.”
“That’s you,” I informed him acidly.
He grinned. “I know. I’m the only person lucky you’re totally clueless.”
Contradictorily, I felt all warm and gushy inside from his earlier Brock-like compliments and at the same time I was totally pissed.
The totally pissed won out so I pushed against his chest with my hands while announcing, “I’ve decided I want a beer. Let me up.”
He ignored my mood and I knew this when his hand with his beer wrapped around my back and he brought me even closer.
“I’m also lucky my girl had a craving to take a walk on the wild side,” he muttered, his quicksilver eyes dropping to my mouth.
Mm. I knew what that meant.
I also knew that for three months, one of the things I seriously missed was making out with him.
And, last, I knew at that moment I was not prepared to go there.
“Brock,” I hissed and again pushed.
He ignored my push, his eyes lifted to mine, and he whispered, “I can’t make any promises about where this is gonna go but what I can do is give you me, keep you safe while you walk on the wild side, and work my ass off to do what I can so this never goes bad for you.”
His quiet words made me stop pushing. They also made that warm gushiness warmer and gushier and I stared at him.
Brock kept talking. “That’s all I got to give, babe, but I’ll also tell you the only thing I’ll take is what you’re willing to give back. Except you need to give me what that asshole left in you so you don’t have to carry it around anymore.”
Oh God.
Okay, maybe he did know a little something about women who’d been violated.
I felt my body ease in his hold, but still, I told him honestly, “I don’t think I can give you that.”
“Yes, you can, Tess,” he replied softly. “He cut you deep and that kinda cut leaves an ugly scar but my girl hasn’t drifted clueless and without a man for six years because of a scar. I didn’t get it because you didn’t talk about him when we were together but I get it now. My girl’s done that because he left something ugly with you and you have to unload it, Tess. You have to let it go so you can see me right now the way I really am and how I am with you. You have to let it go so when you let me in and, baby”—his hand
squeezed my neck—“when I say that, I mean when you let me in, the only thing you feel is me moving inside you and the only thing you see is me likin’ right where I am.”
“I already let you in.” I whispered my reminder and I saw a shadow pass through his eyes before he replied.
“Yeah, darlin’, you did but after you came, you looked at me like I was the only guy in the whole fuckin’ world and then you called me Jake.”
“I thought that was your name,” I defended and his hand and arm gave me a squeeze.
“I know that but when I’m inside you, I wanna hear you say my name. That was between us then, for me. And now that’s gone. I wanna clear the path of what might be between us for you. Can you get that?”
That was when my mouth suddenly formed the words “Who’s Darla?”
The heavy warmth of his mood disappeared in an instant and the static came back.
“What the fuck?” he asked softly.
“Who’s Darla?” I repeated.
His eyes narrowed and his jaw turned to stone before he clipped out, “Who told you about Darla?”
I stared at him and I decided that what I saw I did not like.
Then I whispered, “Right,” and started pushing again.
This didn’t go well for me mainly because he let me go with one arm only to lean us both to the side to put his beer on the table. He whipped me around so I was on my back in my couch and he was not only on top of me but also his hips were between mine.
Our last position wasn’t conducive to us having an intense chat about the future of our relationship in a way where he couldn’t boggle my mind with his hotness, sexiness, and outspoken honesty but this one was way worse.
“I’ll ask again, Tess,” he growled. “Who told you about Darla? Was it Elvira?”
“Um…” I mumbled. His eyes narrowed so I rushed on. “She was at the shower with her girls and one of those girls was a lady called Gwen. Gwen told me.”
His neck bent back so his eyes could look over my head and he snarled, “Fuck.”
“Brock—” I started and his eyes sliced back to me.
“Who Darla is, is not you,” he bit out.
“But—”
“No, Tess, she is not you. I told you earlier I liked my job for the four months it meant me bein’ with you. Suffice it to say, I did not at all like my job when the only play I had to make was bein’ with her.”