“Well, anyway, I’m glad you liked what I wrote,” Willow says awkwardly. She moves a few feet away and stares at the bookcases as if they hold the secret of life. Her hands tremble as she shoves the volumes in any which way, and she manages to drop several on the floor.
“Did you ever look at any of these titles?” Guy says as he picks up the fallen books and hands them to her. “The Research Activities of the South Manchurian Railway 1907-1945. Someone actually wrote this? Someone actually took this out? And I thought I liked weird stuff!”
“That’s nothing.” Willow manages to laugh. “If you were here an hour ago you could have helped me with The Proceedings of the Fourth International Congress of Lithuanian Entomologists.”
“Okay, you had to have made thatone up.”
“I didn’t, I swear! Fifth floor if you don’t believe me!”
“I believe you.” Guy smiles. “So when do you get out of here, anyway?”
“Oh.” Willow looks at her watch. “In about . . . Well, now actually.”
“You want to go to the park? It’s really gorgeous out. Or I don’t know, maybe you want to go back to that place and have another coffee?”
“I’d much rather go to the park. Who’d want to be inside if it’s so beautiful outside?” Willow says as they walk to the elevator. “But if you’d like to get something, then I’m happy to go there.” The doors open and they get on.
“No, don’t worry, I’m good,” Guy reassures her as they exit the elevator on the main floor.
“Hey Carlos.” Willow gets her things from under the circulation desk. “I guess I’ll see you in a couple days.”
“Have fun,” he says, giving her a wink, which Willow pointedly ignores.
“Have you ever been out on the river?” Guy asks as they leave the building and start walking across campus. Willow is relieved that he doesn’t seem to have noticed Carlos’s gesture, or that if he did, he’s not about to mention it.
“You mean like in a boat?” She’s a little confused.
“Umm, okay, so tell me, how else would you go out on the river?”
“Don’t ask me.” Willow shrugs.
“You should try it,” Guy says as they enter the park. “I’ll take you sometime. Anyway, let’s at least walk by the water now, okay? This way.” He leads her down a narrow path, underneath an arcade of chestnut trees, to the river.
“It’s beautiful here,” Willow says. “I’ve never even walked this way before.” She leans her elbows on the stone wall that separates them from the water and stares out at the sailboats.
“You should see it when we go out rowing in the morning. It’s perfect. It’s like there’s no one else in the world.” Guy jumps up on the wall.
“You’re going to fall in!” Willow exclaims in alarm.
“Right, this thing’s got to be like two feet wide at least.”
“Try half of that, maybe,” Willow looks dubiously at the narrow expanse of stone. “Really, unless you’re going to tell me that along with that Boys’ Book of Magicyou bought the Boys’ Book of High Wireor something, you should get off.”
“You think I haven’t fallen in the water a million times since I stared rowing? C’mere.” He extends his hand. “No.” Willow shakes her head. “Have you really? Fallen in, I mean? I thought it was so polluted?”
“Of course I’ve fallen in, and it is polluted. I told you, that’s why I had that peroxide and stuff with me, everybody carries it, so you can disinfect any . . .” He stops talking for a moment. “Anyway, you wouldn’t believe how cold the water gets by the end of October.”
“Yeah, I would believe it! That’s why I’m staying where I am!”
“Get up here,” Guy says. He ignores her protests, grabs her hands and hauls Willow onto the stone parapet. “It’s not so bad, is it?” he says above her outraged shrieks as he pulls her close to him. “You’re not going to fall, and even if you did, I’d catch you.”
“I know,” Willow says slowly. “You would.” They stand face-to-face. Willow is sure that they must look like a postcard, silhouetted against the dying rays of the sun, but she knows too that there is something wrong with this picture, and that something happens to be her.
“Hey, Guy! Over here!”
Willow turns to see Andy waving at them. Chloe, Laurie, and Adrian are walking a few feet behind him.
“Do you see that boat?” He hurries over to them and scrambles up on the wall, nearly knocking Willow over as he does so.
“Watch it, will you?” Guy says, tightening his grip on Willow.
“Yeah, sorry.” He barely glances her way. “Come on, look at that!” He points at a racing sloop in the distance. “Could you imagine what it would be like to sail something that big? That’s got to be about seventy, eighty feet. You’d need a crew of, like, twenty.”
“I thought you were interested in rowing,” Willow says.
“Yeah, you know, I do it for school.” Andy shrugs. “But I love to sail. That’s how I spent the summer.”
“It’s all he ever talks about too,” Chloe says, coming over to join them. She shields her eyes from the sun and looks up at Willow on the parapet.
“I’d kill to crew on a boat like that.” Andy shakes his head. “It would be so amazing.”
“Well, first you’d have to—” Guy begins.
“Hey, you guys want to come with us and get something to eat?” Andy changes the subject abruptly. “I’m tired of hanging in the park, I’d much rather be inside somewhere.”
Of course you would,Willow thinks as she disengages herself from Guy and jumps down from the wall.
“Willow.” Chloe tugs on her sleeve. “Come with us.” She says under her breath, “C’mon. I need a second opinion.”
“About what?” Willow is confused.
“Him.” Chloe nods toward Andy, who’s still standing on the wall with his back to them. “Laurie’s no good. She’s too desperate for things to work out between us. She won’t rest until everyone is a couple like her and Adrian.” She looks over to where the two of them are kissing. Willow’s eyes follow hers and she feels a pang as she watches Laurie break away and smile. Obviously she’s thrilled by her boyfriend’s attention.
“You want to go?” Guy jumps down beside her.
“I . . . well . . . Sure,” Willow says. She wishes that they hadn’t run into everybody else, but she is flattered that Chloe wants her along.
“We can go to that place right next to the boat basin,” Andy announces as he gets down from the wall and stands near Chloe.
“It’s so expensive,” Laurie says as she walks over.
“Who cares?” Andy responds with a shrug. “It’s near here, and it’s good.”
“He has a point,” Adrian says. “We might as well just go there.” He takes Laurie’s hand and starts walking in the direction of the boat basin. Andy and Guy fall into step behind them.
“So are you that interested in sailing?” Willow asks Chloe. They hang back a few feet behind the others.
“Depends. Do you mean would I like it if he took me out on a boat like that? Sure. Do you mean would I like it if he talked about something else occasionally? Sure.”
“Got it.”
“We should talk about something else.” Chloe sighs. “I have so much homework, I shouldn’t even be here now. It’s just, I don’t know, I’m like the opposite of Laurie. Now that I’m a senior I’m less and less focused.”
“I know the feeling.” Willow chews on her nails fretfully, then shoves her hands into her pockets.
“You could really use a manicure,” Chloe says as they approach the cafe. “Don’t take that the wrong way or anything! It’s just that I usually do Laurie’s nails for her, and if you wanted I could do yours sometime. . . .”
“Oh . . . thanks. I’m not offended at all. I know they look terrible, but to be honest they always have. My best friend from home used to give me a hard time about them too,” Willow admits with a rueful smile.
?
??It’s way too crowded, we’re never going to get a table,” Laurie calls over from where she and Adrian are standing at the entrance to the restaurant.
“So we’ll wait a couple minutes,” Andy says, clearly unconcerned.
Guy walks back to Willow. “We don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”
“Oh, that’s okay. Thank you, though,” she says, too softly for anyone else to hear.
“Hey, they have a table if we’re willing to sit out back,” Adrian says after conferring with the waitress.
“Then we won’t be able to see the water,” Andy complains.
“You’re the one who’s insisting on eating here,” Chloe points out.
“Fine, forget the water.” Andy follows Adrian and Laurie as they walk into the cafe.
“This is actually really nice back here,” Laurie says as they crowd around a small table set underneath a striped umbrella.
“Who wants what?” Andy looks around for a menu.
“I just want dessert,” Chloe says.
“Me too,” Laurie agrees. “No, sorry. A salad.”
“Then I’ll have to get one too! C’mon, stick with dessert. What are you having, Willow?”
“Umm. Maybe a . . .”
Willow sees her before any of the others. A walking skeleton, the victim of some terrible wasting disease, like something out of the history books, a death camp survivor. It takes Willow a moment to realize that the girl is none of those things. She’s just a girl, a girl like Willow, who’s chosen to inflict terrible pain on herself. Only this girl’s weapon isn’t a razor, it’s starvation.
Willow can hardly bear to look at her, but she’s transfixed, spellbound. Every lineament of the girl’s wasted body is a testament to her inner turmoil. Willow can only imagine what kind of pain she must be in to destroy herself that way. She knows there’s something ironic in her compassion for the other girl, but she can’t help feeling that this utter mortification of the flesh is far worse than anything that she herself has done.
“Oh my God, that poor girl,” Laurie whispers. Clearly she has noticed the apparition as well.
“Who?” Adrian asks, his voice unnaturally loud in contrast with Laurie’s.
“Ssh!” Laurie elbows him.
Guy twists his head to see what they’re talking about, and Willow can see that he too is affected by her appearance, as anyone would be, really.
Willow turns away from the spectacle and her gaze falls on Andy. He is also riveted by the girl, but his reaction is very different from Willow’s and the others’. It’s clear that he looks at this walking skeleton and sees only that she is breastless, sexless, ugly.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t go feeling too sorry for her,” he says to Laurie with a smirk.
“Excuse me?” Chloe gives him a look.
“C’mon, she’s in someplace like this, she obviously has the money to eat. It’s not like she’s some poor starving kid from Africa, you know?”
“No.” Chloe shakes her head. “I don’tknow. What are you talking about?”
“I mean it’s something she’s doing to herself . . .”
“Yeah, it’s called an eating disorder,” Laurie says angrily.
“Right, I know, okay? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.”
“Why not? You’re acting like one,” Chloe snaps.
“Oh, sorry if I don’t genuflectbecause some girl who can’t handle whatever problems life is throwing at her hides behind the disease of the week.”
“What the hell could you possibly know about what life is throwing at her? What the hell could you possibly know about why she’s doing that to herself?” Chloe demands.
The rest of the table is silent. Willow is sure that she’s not the only one who wishes she was someplace else. She doesn’t look at Adrian or Laurie, she can barely bring herself to look at Guy.
“Look, I know the type,” Andy continues, not even bothering to lower his voice. “Society, the media, everybody else is responsible for her problems. It’s like it’s become this hip thing to starve yourself and complain that the rest of the world is driving you to do it. Trust me, it’s just that she can’t deal with things, so she manufactures this problem—”
“Stop it!” Willow bursts out. She can’t help herself. She can’t listen to another word. Willow rests her forehead on her palm. Maybe she really is getting a migraine. She feels Guy’s hand on her shoulder and raises her head to look at Andy.
“Thank you, Willow,” Chloe says.
Willow knows that Chloe is upset because of how insensitive Andy is being. But she herself is bothered for more selfish reasons. It’s as if Andy is addressing every word straight to her. What would he say if she were to lift up her shirt and show him her cuts the way she did for Guy? Would he say that she has manufactured her problem?
Would he be right?
“Yeah, okay. Look, I’m outta here,” Andy says after a few moments.
“Me too, but guess what, I’m headed in the opposite direction.” Chloe throws her napkin on the table. “See you guys tomorrow.”
“Can we leave too?” Willow says to Guy. “I’m sorry.” She looks over at Laurie and Adrian.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” Laurie gives Andy a dirty look. “I thought you were leaving?” she says pointedly.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here.” Guy stands up. “Hey Andy, just so you know? I totally agree with Chloe on this one.”
“So I guess Chloe won’t be needing a second opinion,” Willow says as they walk out of the cafe. The sun has set completely now, and it’s a beautiful, mild night.
“Huh?” Guy looks confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Chloe wanted to know what I thought of Andy,” Willow explains. “You know, if she should go out with him or something.”
“You guys talk about stuff like that?” Guy looks at her incredulously. “I mean, she can’t just make up her own mind?”
“I don’t know.” Willow shrugs. “I guess not.” She doesn’t really have the energy to make small talk. She’s too upset, the scene in the cafe is too fresh. She’s angry, and not just about what Andy said regarding that poor girl, but because of what his words imply about her.
“I don’t feel like walking right now,” Guy says. “Do you mind?” He sits down on the grass and pulls her down next to him. “Is this okay? We can see the water from here.”
“I don’t just make my own problems,” Willow says suddenly. “I don’t just do what I do because it’s hip, because it’s the fashion.” She pauses for a moment. “I do it because I have to,” she says finally. “There’s no other way.”
“No.” Guy shakes his head. “You won’t let yourself have any other way. There’s a difference.”
“I can’t let myself have any other way! You know that! You sawthat!” Willow insists. Guy doesn’t say anything and the two of them sit in silence for a few minutes and stare at the water shimmering in the moonlight.
“Maybe Andy was right,” Willow continues. “Me and that girl, we just can’t face what life is throwing us, so we hide behind our sickness. Maybe everything he said about heris true about me.”
“Why would you even listen to anything that he has to—”
“My brother cries at night.” Willow interrupts suddenly. “Don’t laugh,” she says hurriedly. “I know that you’re not like Andy, you would never say anything insensitive or stupid, but well, some people think a guy crying is . . . I don’t know.”
“I’m not laughing.”
“That’s why I didn’t sleep last night. He cries. And I watch him.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” Guy asks.
“I have no idea.” Willow is surprised herself. “I have no idea,” she repeats. “I just . . . He’s so strong, if you think his crying like that is anything else, you’re wrong. I don’t even know how he manages to do it, to get through it, I mean.” Willow pauses. “Do you think I’m like that girl?” She searches his face, barely visib
le in the faint light from the stars.
“I don’t know,” he says slowly. “But I do know this. The way her body affected you, that’s the way your scars affect me.”
“Oh.” Willow doesn’t know how to respond to this. How wonderful that she should affect him so strongly, how awful that it should be in that way. She can’t help thinking that almost any other reaction would be preferable, and that it is her own fault that when he looks at her he doesn’t just see a girl, he sees a cutter.
She rolls up her left sleeve and examines her cuts, really looks at them the way she might if she were alone, tries to see them the way that she imagines he does.
There’s no denying that they’re hideous. It’s very clear why he told her they were ugly that day in the stacks.
That shouldn’t matter. Her cuts serve a purpose and that purpose is independent of such trivial considerations. She knows this as deeply as she has ever known anything. But still, for a moment she wishes that they looked different, that they didlook like the kind of scratches a cat might make.
She starts to roll down her sleeve, but Guy stops her. He holds her arm, looks at her cuts, traces the pattern of her razor marks with his hand.
“Don’t, it’s . . .”
Willow stops speaking as he bends his head and kisses the scars.
She knows she should tell him to stop, but she can’t because she wants him to go on forever. She knows too that she will probably pay for this feeling with other less pleasurable ones, but still she can’t bring herself to pull her arm away.
And then Willow does something that surprises herself more than anything she has ever done. She moves her other arm, and, very tentatively, holding the side of his face with her hand, raises his mouth to hers and kisses him. She can’t believe that she is willing to risk this, not after what happened in the stacks. Given that, this act is even more shocking to her than when all those months ago, she found herself stabbing her arm with the screwdriver and knew that she had found her calling.
She waits for the cataclysm to happen, to be overwhelmed the way she was in the library, but, at least for that moment, feels only how wonderful it is to kiss someone, to kiss him, underneath the stars, and how odd it is, how refreshing,that after all she has been through she can at last respond to something the way anyone else would.