"Please don't be like that," I said quietly. "I'm hurting really bad, and I need you to help me not hurt so much."
He looked up at me with eyes blazing red and black, spittle flying from his mouth. "But I'm the reason!" he shouted, punching himself hard in the chest, right over his heart. "I'm the reason you're hurting." His face sagged and he covered it with both hands, but not before I saw a fresh fountain of tears flowing from his eyes.
I ran the two steps between us and threw my arms around him, trapping his arms between us. "Shut up, you big jerk. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. It was the wyvern's. It was the demons' in the Overworld. It was Spirit's. It was Tony's. It was no one's fault. It just…is what it is." As I said the words, their wisdom finally sank in. I wanted to blame myself, but that wasn't any fairer than blaming Spike. Tony was a grown man who'd made his own choices, and they'd been made with love—his love for me, for Spike, and for all the fae. He'd fought like a true dragon rider…all for us.
Spike's arms slid out from between us and encircled me, holding me lightly. He rested his forehead on mine, filling the air between us with the scent of his sweet breath and covering my lips with the taste of his salty tears. "I'm broken, Jayne. I'm broken inside. I can't get rid of the pain anymore. It's going to be a part of me forever."
I nodded, sliding our sweaty foreheads together. "I feel the same way. I know exactly what you mean. It feels like my insides have been in a car accident and they're never going to heal."
He pulled me in tighter, and I rested my head on his chest. He put his chin on my head. We stayed there for a long time, just breathing and crying together. When he finally whispered something, I couldn't hear him. I moved my head so I could see better. He looked like an alien, his face a roadmap of pain.
"What?" I asked.
"I asked you if the babies were okay at least?"
"You know about the babies?" I suddenly felt shy. We hadn't had a chance to talk about my pregnancy yet, but he somehow knew anyway.
"I heard from Dardennes and Céline. They were trying to make me feel better about coming back."
"Did it work?" I tried to smile and he tried to smile back, but we both failed.
"To be honest, not really. I figured you'd hate me, and I hate myself, so what kind of father could I be other than a totally shitty one?"
I shook my head as I stepped back. I wanted him to see and hear me very clearly. "You're going to be a great father. The best father in the world…in the universe. I know you are." There was no doubt in my mind that what I was saying was true. I could see that he was just as devastated by Tony's passing on to the Overworld as I was…maybe even more so. He was being eaten alive by guilt. And this was not what Tony would have wanted.
Spike shook his head, obviously unconvinced. "You all would have been better off with Uncle Tony around." His voice hitched at the nickname my best friend would have carried, had he made it back.
"Don't say that. Uncle Tony is now Guardian Angel Tony, and I know he'll make sure our children are watched over and protected." I knew my friend Tony better than I knew myself, and I was absolutely positive he would do whatever it took to watch over all of us and guide us and keep us as safe as destiny would allow. I looked up at the ceiling and spoke directly to him. "Tones, I know you're up there in the Overworld, and I don't know if you have your wings yet, but I know you've got our backs. We're family, forever and always, and no fucking veil or realm divider is going to stop that from being true."
I was taken by surprise when Spike stepped over and grabbed me into a huge, tight embrace. He was squeezing the breath out of me, but I didn't mind. I patted him on the back as he cried some more. I had sadness and an aching pain inside me that seemed like it was taking over my entire body, but I had hope too. The Ben-dragon and the wyvern had told me that everything that happens to me happens for a good reason, and every fiber of my being was telling me that they were right.
It definitely didn't feel in that moment like Tony's passing could be good in any way, shape, or form, as I stood in that hallway holding my devastated boyfriend while fighting back tears of my own; but I had been to the Overworld and the Underworld. I had crossed through the veil between realms and seen what happens after a person takes his last fae breath. Tony was out there somewhere, and one day, my time in this realm would end and we would be together again. And in the grand scheme of things, what's a thousand years or so? It's just time, and time always passes, even when we don't want it to.
I slowly stroked Spike's back as he continued to express his sorrow. "We're going to be okay, Spike. I promise."
"I know," he finally said into my shoulder before lifting his head. "I just missed you so fucking much. I thought it was going to kill me to be apart from you like that."
My eyes went wide. "You just said the f-word."
He grinned the tiniest bit. "I know. What can I say? The Gray changed me."
I carefully wiped the tears from his face and tried to fix his messy hair, pushing it left and right and then up. "I hope not too much." I was glad to see his sexy smile hadn't changed when he shared a tiny grin with me. Oh, damn, that smile…
He reached up and stroked my bald head. "Yeah. We'll see." He left it at that, and I didn't question him on it. We would have plenty of time to work on the details of our new life—life without Tony in it. My face started to fall again as I thought about this new chapter we were starting together. I wondered if I would ever not be sad.
Spike turned me around gently and headed me in the direction I'd come from. I let the tears fall, but tried like hell to picture Tony with the biggest, thickest, most awesome set of wings an angel ever wore. He was going to look so amazing as a guardian angel. He'd be ruling that place in a matter of weeks.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Out into the forest. I have something I need to do and I need you to come with me."
I walked with Spike, hand in hand, headed out to see the next big mystery in my life. I wasn't worried or scared. This was the father of my children leading the way, the man I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with. He would never harm me and would always be there for me. I would follow him to the ends of the earth. Now that Tony had given his life to save Spike's, my boyfriend had become my everything—my best friend, my lover, the father of my children, my confidant, and my protector. Nothing would ever keep us apart again. I wouldn't let it.
He led me to a door with a gargoyle on it and pushed it open. We made our way through the dark forest to Maggie's house, where he knocked on her door three times.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MAGGIE DIDN'T ANSWER the door right away, which gave me the opportunity to confess something to Spike. I placed my hand on his arm to get his attention.
"What's up, babe?" he asked, looking concerned.
"There something I need to tell you. It's pretty messed up, too."
He pointed at the door. "Does it have anything to do with her? Because that wouldn't surprise me." He gave me a weak smile.
"No, it has nothing to do with her. At least, I don't think it does." I rested my hand on my belly and looked down at it. "It's about the babies."
He put his hands on my shoulders, encouraging me to look him in the eye. "Whatever it is, I can handle it. Is everything okay?"
I slowly shook my head. "Not exactly. Do you remember when I time-slipped back to my old life in West Palm? While you were with Ish in his realm becoming a badass dragon rider?"
"Yeah."
"Well, at that point, I was a virgin again. And then my demon-possessed stepfather was there…" I couldn't finish the story. It made me sick just to think about it. It did not matter that I wasn't actually conscious for any of it—for whatever had taken place. He violated me, and that violation was as valid with me unconscious as it would have been with me being fully aware.
"Did he do something? To you?" The red and black began to swirl big time in Spike's eyes.
"I honestly don't know, because I have no memor
y of anything happening, but I was knocked out several times with drugs, starting from when Torrie and I interacted at my house until I escaped the mental hospital. Anything could have happened. I mean, I was stuck in that place for days with Malena in charge, so you can imagine what could have gone down with those sick fucks." I started feeling queasy again.
"The thing is, Tim sensed that I was pregnant when I got back to Ish's realm with you guys, but he only sensed one baby in there. But then later, he sensed two babies. And remember, time passed very differently in Ish's realm than the one I was in. What was just a few days for me was months for you guys. So, basically, I've come up with the theory that while that Other Jayne was with you, she got pregnant with your baby, and when I—the Me Jayne—was under the influence of those drugs and passed out cold in the other realm, Torrie the demon…uh…followed through on that prophecy or whatever." My face and stomach were both burning. A mix of embarrassment and pain was turning me inside out.
"Which prophecy?"
I really hated having to say it, but Spike was never going to understand if I didn't. "The one that said that if Torrie made a demon baby with me, it would be the beginning of the end of everything. Like, the end of the world." It was so disgusting, it made me shiver with revulsion.
"Oh yeah. I remember now. I guess I had kind of compartmentalized that and put it in the 'do not open' section of my brain." He paused, looking up as if searching inside his head for a way to phrase what he was thinking. "Sooo…you think both Jaynes got pregnant in their different realms, just one a little earlier than the other because of the way time moves differently in the two places…and then you came back together as one Jayne. And at the time you came back together, Tim sensed just one of the babies—the slightly older one…my child, basically—and when the second one was bigger, after you spent some time lost in your elements, he was able to sense them both?"
I nodded. "That's the gist of it." It sounded pretty far-fetched, but still possible. And knowing my luck, it was way more probable than the gray elves would give the scenario credit for. When it came to me, the crazier it was, the more likely it was to be true.
His hands slid up and down my arms in a calming gesture. "It doesn't matter to me. I know it matters to you, and whatever happened in that other realm with Torrie is a crime and awful and inexcusable, but if you're worried about me thinking something bad about the babies, don't."
"I was. And I'm worried about it myself. I've seen them in a vision."
Spike's hands froze at my elbows. "A vision? What did you see?" For the first time since he'd come back from the Gray, he sounded a little happy.
"I saw a boy and a girl, and they were both elementals. One had Ben's elements and one had mine. And they were friends, but they also got into a fight. I got the impression that it was going to be up to me…us…to teach them how to be kind to one another and to always put each other first."
Spike nodded his head emphatically and shook me a little bit. "We can do that. We're a team. We can make that happen together. I promise you, I will work every day of my life to make sure our children are loved and cared for and know how to love each other the way they should."
My heart felt lighter hearing his words. Spike was not somebody to make empty promises. I knew I could count on him. "Okay, it's a deal, then. We teach these kids to be awesome little bad asses." I held out my hand. Spike looked at it for a couple of seconds but then he grinned and shook it. "I love being on Team Jayne."
"I think we should call it Team Spike from now on."
"How about you marry me, and we'll pick a last name we both like, and that'll be our team name?" he said.
My heart stopped beating for a second. There was no way I just heard what I thought I just heard. "What did you just say?"
He looked to his left and right, his gaze pausing on the door to Maggie's house for a few seconds before he looked at me again. "I guess this probably isn't the best place to do this, but what the hell." He got down on one knee and fished around in the pocket of his pants, pulling out a silver band covered in lint. He held it up between us. "Jayne Sparks Blackthorn, you're the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. I've loved you in the Here and Now, the Overworld, the Underworld, the Gray, and in every other realm that ever existed or will ever exist. I love your potty mouth. I love the fact that you have a temper. I love your loyalty and your dedication to doing what's right. And I love how you love everyone around you without stopping and without even having to think about it. I want you to be my forever girl. So, what do you say? I know I'm not the hottest guy in the compound, and I sometimes have a hard time keeping my hands to myself where you're concerned, but maybe you could think about it?"
"Where on earth did you get that thing?" I asked, looking at the ring that was fuzzy with stuff from his pocket.
He quickly brushed it off, blew some air on it, and shined it on his shirtsleeve before holding it up again. "I've been carrying this around with me since Finn and Becky were bonded. I asked an alchemist witch to make it for me out of a piece of unicorn hoof that Valentine gave me. He said it would make the strongest metal ever created. I was just waiting for the right time to…you know…pop the question. But everything just seemed to get in the way, and it was never the right time. But I realized after almost dying in the Gray that there would never be a perfect time, so yeah…" He shrugged, as if that crazy story made any kind of sense. Unicorns are real? "Here I am. Asking you to be mine forever. If you'll have me." He was starting to look nervous. "Or you could just think about it for a while. No need to answer me right away. Or ever. We could pretend like I never did this…"
I snatched the ring from his hand and jammed it on my finger. "Think about it? Are you kidding me?" I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to me, kneeling down on the ground in front of him and indulging in an awesome kissing session. When it was over a little while later, I pulled away and looked at him. "You're stuck with me forever. I'm not going to lose you again." I stared up at the sky and smiled at the branches above our heads. "Did you hear that, Tony? Spike and I are stuck together forever now. And I want you at the wedding." There was a hitch in my heart, but I ignored it so I could kiss my boyfriend some more. It felt so good to be loved unconditionally, for exactly who I am, by such an amazing person, by such an amazing fae. All the bad things that I'd been through and put up with and suffered up until that point almost felt worth it. Except for losing Tony. Nothing would ever be worth that; but still, I was happy. I felt pure joy in my heart for the first time in a long time.
The door opened to my left and a cranky, raspy voice came to my ear. "You woke me up out of my beauty sleep to witness this nonsense? Two fae sucking face on my doorstep?" She took a step outside as I was struggling to get to my feet and kicked me right in the shin. Then she backed up and started to shut the door in our faces.
"Ow! That hurt! What the hell, you old bag? What's up with the physical abuse?"
Spike stuck his foot in the threshold, keeping the door from closing all the way.
"You'd better move that foot or I will remove it for you," growled the nasty old coot.
"You touch a hair on my man's body, and I'll burn your whole house down," I threatened. And I meant it, too.
She must've felt the genuineness of my promise because she opened the door wider and took her hateful gaze off Spike, aiming it at me instead. "You wouldn't dare."
"Wanna bet?" I held out my hand and let the flames of elemental fire dance along my fingers. My dad used to do this trick with a quarter, where he'd flip it from one knuckle to the next, back and forth, making it look like it was alive and dancing across his hand. When I was a kid and hadn't realized yet what a jackass he was, I wanted to be like him; so I practiced that trick until I was able to do it at expert level, planning to show him one day and make him proud. But he left the house before I could show off my mad skills and never came back, and when I saw him again during court-ordered visitation, I didn't want to show him anymore, so I let th
e trick disappear from my repertoire. But I still had the skills. The fire danced across my knuckles and fingers like I'd been practicing fire juggling all my life. I grinned evilly at my great-great-great-great-great-great-super-calo-fragilistic-grandmother and spoke to her ever so softly. "Please, Maggie. Make my day. Piss me off just one more time, because I am so in the mood to light something on fire right now."
"That's my girl," Spike whispered under his breath. "Kickin' ass and taking names, like always."
I felt like I could have flown without wings, having Spike stand next to me and back me up like that. Why had I ever let him go before? Why had I ignored all of his advances to moon over somebody as unsuitable for me as Chase was? So stupid. Such a waste of time. I was so glad the universe had finally pointed my heart in the right direction.
"Humph." Maggie waved her hand at me dismissively. "Okay, little girl. Put your elements away. Your boyfriend is safe for now." She looked up at him, her voice rising a few notches in volume and irritation. "You knocked on my door. What you want?"
Spike made a deep bow, resting in this bent-over position for a full five seconds before he stood again. "Mistress Maggie, Fate of fae destiny, glorious great-grandmother to our Mother, I beg an audience with you to discuss the future of fae and humankind."
I turned slowly to stare at this guy who I no longer recognized. He sounded like he was at least a couple hundred years old. Had somebody beaned him in the head when he was in the Gray, giving him a concussion or something?
Maggie's face stretched out to either side, revealing her brownish yellow teeth in what I think was supposed to be a smile. It was seriously gross, whatever it was. "Finally, you bring someone to my door who knows the meaning of respect."
I elbowed my boyfriend in the arm….my fiancé, I mean. Then I glared at the old lady. "Don't get too excited. He's obviously suffering the after effects of getting brain damaged in the Gray. Ignore his bullshit. We want to come in and talk to you about some important shit."