The weird thing is that I immediately liked Ms Fox. She is undeniably insane. We all agreed on that, but she is, well, I don’t know really.
For our first session with her she walked around looking at us. She had a riding crop in her hand and she said, “I am looking at you and you are looking at me. This is very good. I am looking and I am liking. You are looking and you are thinking, ‘I hope she doesn’t hit me with her crop.’ But that is because I am me and you are you. I am going to show you a film about the work I have done. Don’t be frightened.”
I have never seen anything like Ms Fox’s film.
There she was, dressed up as a German businessman on a train, sitting down with a newspaper, then she started slapping the commuters with her newspaper.
And then she was in a doggie outfit dancing around a kennel in a shopping centre.
And finally, she was scratching her teeth in time to some music.
After we had watched the film, she said, “Right, you’ve got four minutes. Go find something in the studio and make up a little performance with it.”
Wow.
And also wow.
And crikey Moses.
Everyone panicked and ran around the studio. I found an old bit of bandage backstage, I don’t think it was used. I really hope it wasn’t used.
I didn’t really know what I was doing. I wrapped it around my hand leaving a little mouth hole. Like a mummy. I think I was modelling it on the idiot boys without their ‘teef’.
Before I had time to think Ms Fox blew a whistle and shouted, “On the stage, let’s see it. You!” And pointed to people.
Even Jo looked rattled. She’d found two drumsticks and put them in her hair and started to speak Japanese, I think.
Flossie put on a lampshade and started being a catwalk model.
Next it was Vaisey. She got up and said, “This is Vaisey.”Then she put a curtain round her shoulders and said, “But this is Vaisey, Star!” And burst into song: “Fame, I’m gonna live forever, I’m gonna learn how to fly. I’m gonna—”
Ms Fox shouted, “Next!” And pointed at me.
I got up on stage and said, “Um, hello, Dad used to bring me stuff back from Egypt, and once he brought me a baby mummy.”
Milly and Tilly started sniggering.
Then I said, “And here it is.” And put my bandaged hand up.
Everyone was just looking at me. Like I’d gone mad.
I had.
I looked at the mummy. I said to it, “So you are an Ancient Egyptian, then?”
I made the mummy nod its head and open and shut its mouth.
“That’s very interesting.” The mummy nodded.
I said, “You’re very small for a mummy.” And the mummy started making muffled noises.
I said to it, “Well, there is no need for that kind of language. You are only letting yourself down, and ruining a lovely occasion.”
The mummy made muffled noises again.
I said, “Right, that does it!”
And I wrestled my own hand to the floor and fought with it for a bit.
Some people clapped at the end.
Vaisey and Jo and Honey and Flossie stared at me.
As we were going out, Blaise said to me, “What’s your name?”
I said, “Tallulah Casey.”
She said, “Watching you is like watching someone whose pants are on fire. Strangely fascinating, keep it up.”
I went home to write in my performance art notebook. Already some of the slate is coming off the cover.
Ms Fox said strangely fascinating. Is that good?
Make the bicycle ballet ‘strangely fascinating’.
I’ve sort of mapped it out now.
The girls sing the Sugar Plum Fairy song in chorus on bikes
at the back-It starts with swirling snow as they go to the Land of Sugar and Sweets. (Note for swirling snow: get a fan from Bob and lots of bits of paper.)
The chorus goes up and down the back of the stage on their bikes, first with legs out to the sides. (Will have to give big shove to get it across stage.)
Then one knee on the saddle.
Then both legs out at the back.
Then the Sugar Plum Fairy dance. I will be the Sugar Plum Fairy. (Costume note: get lots of sticks of rock from village store and net underskirt from Ruby’s ballet class.)
Could I get a unicycle from somewhere?
And dance with bike in centre of stage before I ride really fast off, and then come gliding back on when I have momentum. With no hands.
Eating rock?
We’ve rounded up five bikes from Ruby, although one is a bit small as she had it when she was six. Jo can have that one. And the rest are ones that have been left at The Blind Pig after people had The Blind Pig special ale (Ruby says).
We’ve got the music. And most of the costumes, and we’re rehearsing every day at the back of college. I popped round to see the Rubster (and Matilda) on the way home, to see if the owlets were hatched yet and if Alex was about.
Ruby was eating an apple on the wall and she said she’d had a scientific idea.
“Dad is redecorating the downstairs ladies’ loos, we could do your corker outline there. You know, a sideways outline. And see the difference the next time you are up here.”
I said sadly, “Rubes, I don’t think there is much chance of me being here next year. We’ve got our halfway assessments this week.”
Matilda was hurling herself at my legs. She loves me. And goes mad with excitement every time she sees me. Ruby said, “Tha must smell like a doggie treat.”
I said, casually, “Is Alex about?”
And Ruby tutted.
On Thursday, we were just going to check that the bicycles were oiled when I saw Alex in the corridor, talking to Lavinia.
I wished I had got my Barely Pink lipstick on to make me seem a bit more grown up.
They looked like they were sharing a private joke, and Lavinia was grinning like a beaver.
As we passed them I was pretending to find something in my tote bag, but Lav spotted me and said, “Hellooo, little Oirish, how’s the crack? I’m railly looking forward to your piece in the performance lunchtime. What is it called?”
Damn.
“Um, well, ah…”
She and Alex were looking at me.
“It’s called…Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey,” I said wildly.
Alex had a slight grin on his face. He said, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey. Yes, that’s got a nice ring to it.”
Lavinia smiled.
I smiled back.
But I didn’t really mean it, to be honest.
And also she was the only person who called me ‘little’ anything. I’ve never been called ‘little’, even when I was little. Which was never.
Alex then said something which made my bottom quake a lot. “Look forward to seeing it, I’ll be there at the performance lunchtime.”
No!
Out in the bike shed, as we were oiling away, I said to the girls, “I can’t do this!”
None of them said anything, they just went on oiling.
I said, “I want to stay on at Dother Hall, but I can’t let Alex see my knees.”
Flossie said, “You’ve got to do something, Lullah.”
I said wildly, “I could do my Egyptian mummy thing!”
The girls handed me my bike.
CHAPTER 14
Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey
My heart was thumping
My knees were bruised
I think I have sprained my ankle. Certainly I have destroyed a stoat mask made out of corn on the cob and a hula hoop. The bike might be fixable.
It took Bob and a couple of the bigger girls a little while to untangle me from the stage lights. When I eventually hobbled back on stage for the crit there was a big round of applause. And I heard someone yell “Encore”.
But I think they may have been being ironic.
The singing was good, the lights went on and off,
the bicycles’ chorus across the back was good, it was all going so well. I think the audience was a little bit surprised by my bike solo when I did a jeté and then the bike did a jeté but…
It was when I came to do my final piece de resistance: the lying on the saddle with my legs outstretched at the back. I was fine, I was balanced and focused. Vaisey’s singing had reached a crescendo and I had my sticks of rock ready when my net skirt caught in the back wheel. And ripped off. Leaving me in my apple catchers.
In the spotlight.
The net skirt also jammed the wheel so the bike suddenly stopped and I plunged over the handlebars and into the backstage area through the blackout curtain.
Gudrun handed me some hessian to cover my knickers. As I hobbled back in front of the audience, all I could think of was that maybe, by the grace of God, Alex had been in a minor car accident.
But then Lavinia hopped up on to the stage and said, “Well, that was soo railly good.” And she glanced over to me, “And railly brave. Well done, you. You may have noticed that we have a tall handsome stranger with us today. Besides you, Bob!”
Bob flicked what was left of his ponytail back. And gave a thumbs up. He truly does think he is handsome.
Lavinia went on. “May I introduce you to the lovely Alex Barraclough. A local boy made good. Alex has starred in West End shows and is now on his way to take up a place at Liverpool Rep. So very exciting. He kindly said he would give us a word or two about today’s performance. So over to Alex.”
Alex stood up and swung himself on to the side of the stage. All of the girls and most of the staff (especially Monty) were practically drooling and flicking their hair.
Alex seemed very relaxed, he was probably used to it.
I pulled the hessian around me more tightly. God, my ankle hurt. I could never ever go round to The Blind Pig again. I didn’t want to listen to what he was about to say. And also I thought I was probably having a heart attack. My heart was thumping, my knees were bruised and Alex had seen me in my knickers.
Vaisey was standing next to me and she squeezed my hand.
Jo mouthed, “You’ve got some rock in your hair.”
Oh goodie.
Alex talked about “exploration” and “pushing boundaries” and not being afraid to fail. He said he’d enjoyed each piece in its own way.
Then as a final thing he said, “It’s always hard to say what you like and why, but I have to say, in all honesty, I have never seen anything like the Sugar Plum Bikey. Never. It was ambitious and daring and…of course, accidents do happen. I once opened a door on stage and the whole set wall fell down. I haven’t actually crashed off a bike head first into the wings. But maybe one day I will be lucky enough.”
Everyone laughed.
I felt a bit better, actually. I think he was trying to make me feel less of an idiot.
He went off to massive applause.
The girls were very nice to me. They said it was a brave effort and everything, but I knew.
We were getting our assessment marks after lunch. I couldn’t eat anything so I sat on the front steps just looking at the moors. I didn’t have what it took. I wasn’t full of Northern grit. I was full of some kind of grit from the stage floor, but it wasn’t the kind I needed.
Blaise Fox came striding down the steps.
Please, please don’t let her say anything horrid.
She said, “Tallulah, that was a triumph. You don’t know how funny you are.”
We got our assessments in little sealed envelopes. So this was it.
We went to our special tree to open them. I was hobbling along at the back.
Vaisey said, “Let’s do it all at once. I’ll count. Ready? One, two, three.”
And we ripped open the envelopes.
Tallulah Casey
Dother Hall
Summer term assessment
Dear Tallulah,
You are clearly an intelligent girl as well as being very tall. You have an unusual presence and on the whole a slightly wild, but pleasing disposition.
However, I regret that so far my staff and I have seen nothing that would suggest to us that you are cut out for an artistic career. As we have tried to emphasise, this is not a career choice for the faint-hearted. In the time that you have left here, we hope that you will charge your glass with courage and show us that you can do something extraordinary.
Sidone
Your overall assessment is 45%
Vaisey, Jo, Honey and Flossie all got over sixty per cent.
Honey and Vaisey were specially mentioned for their singing.
I didn’t want them to see my letter – but they wanted to.
Jo said, “Come on, Lullah, it can’t be that bad.”
I gave it to her and she said, “Blimey, that’s bad.”
Vaisey said, “She says that you’re tall and you have an unusual presence. That’s good, isn’t it?”
And that’s when little tears came splashing out of my eyes.
I didn’t want to cry in front of them. But I was.
Vaisey started crying then as well, when she saw me. She said, “Please don’t, Lullah, I can’t bear it if you cry and are upset. I think you are lovely, I thought you were lovely the minute I met you and you took me to Heckmondwhite High Street which isn’t there. But that is what I love about you.”
Flossie and Jo put their arms around me. Jo looked up at me and said, “I bet you can do something, I just bet you can show them. What about singing a really big belting song that—”
Flossie said quietly, “The singing tutor sort of said that maybe, you know, Lullah should concentrate on other things.”
Jo said, “Oh yes, yes, I remember…”
No one could think of anything else to say. I was just standing in a huddle by our tree with my friends cuddling me. I’ve never been so unhappy and happy at the same time.
Then Honey said, “Thometimeth you’ve got to wait for a happy ending. Evwything workth out awight in the end.”
I said snuffling, “Well…how, how…is this going to work out alright in the end?”
And she said, “I don’t know, it’th a mythtwy, it jutht doth.”
Then Jo said, “I know this is a bit of an odd thing to say, but it might show you that every cloud has a silver lining. When you were crying, I had my head accidentally on your corker area and I think you could even, maybe, get your first bra?”
The Dobbins had all gone out skipping-rope weaving. All in dungarees.
And then the phone rang.
I answered and said, “Hello.”
A very faint voice said, “ Lullah…god morgen!”
It was Mum.
I felt a bit like crying. But before I could say anything, she was off
“How are you? Do you know, I am absolutely loving it here. This is the most marvellous experience. I have a guide called Olaf, who is teaching me everything he knows. And he knows a lot, believe me.”
I tried to stop her before she told me something that I would have in my head forever. People think I exaggerate about my mother, but I don’t. I think it’s why my legs are so long. I’m trying to get away from her. Upwards.
After telling me how like the Vikings the Norwegians are, and how friendly Olaf is, and how clean Norway is, and how very clean Olaf is, she said, “We are off to a sauna, you roll about in the snow naked at the end.”
You see, I knew that would happen, the something I would have in my head forever. To stop her going on, I interrupted quickly and told her about Dother Hall and what I felt like. And the bleeding feet, and how everyone else could sing and tap dance. And had ordinary knees.
And she listened, even though I could hear some sort of digging and howling going on in the background. I hope it was only huskies. Then I told her I was going to keep a summer notebook of love.
“Oooh, that’s a good idea, you could do a sort of comedy performance of it.”
I said, “It isn’t funny.”
She said, “Oh, I assure
you, it will be. That’s what you can do, you can look at yourself and make it funny. You’re my star. You’ve always been the star in the family, even when you were little. Anyway darling, you can tell me all about it when you get home. Must dash, Olaf has got the pickled herrings out.”
In the canteen today, Lavinia was sitting with Dav and Noos. They waved when they saw me. I waved back, but then Lavinia did that ‘come over here’ thing. I couldn’t really pretend I hadn’t seen them, so I had to go over.
Lavinia got up and gave me a big hug.
Why?
Have I turned into Huggy Bear since the bicycle ballet?
She was all sympathetic.
“How are you, little Oirish? You weren’t bothered about the marks, were you? It’s all so silly railly, isn’t it? I mean, even if you got ninety and a half per cent, you can’t go up to Andrew Lloyd Webber and say, ‘Andrew, I got ninety and half percent, give me a job, darling’.”
She went on. “I thought what Alex said was railly spot on. You know, you did an experiment. OK, it went a teensy bit wrong, but you had the courage to do it. He was railly right. You know Alex a bit, don’t you Luls?”
Why was she calling me Luls? Where did that come from?
Lavinia was still in Alex world.
“I feel like I have known him for ages, and we have got so much in common, it’s not true. Is he around much?”
Oh, I see.
After lunch we trooped into Monty’s class. It will be quite restful listening to him talk about himself, after what I’ve been through. In fact I feel quite fond of him. Now that I won’t be seeing him again.
He bustled in and said, “Exciting news, girls, our next project. Our next adventure. Takes us back in time. We’re going to do a ‘Mummers play’.”
At first I thought he said a mummy’s play. And that everyone had been talking about me in the staff room.
Jo said, “Sir, what is a mummy’s play?”