Anyway, I said near to where ears would be if they had them, “It’s me, big Tallulah. And you are little Tallulah and little Ruby. I am not as furry as you but my eyes are quite big. And when you can open yours, that is what you will see. I love you little owls.”
I stayed for a while, chirping with them. I did touch their little heads but then I thought that Connie might be able to track me down by my smell. And that made me think it was spooky and dark in the barn, so I thought I would go.
As I came out of the barn, I saw Cain with his arm around Beverley.
Cain, AGAIN.
I am haunted by him.
Shouldn’t he have a job, tupping sheep or whatever they do on the moors? Striding about with a big black surly dog, like him.
Oh, actually, he has got a dog.
A big black surly dog. Growly and black. It came bounding up to me and leapt up, and put both its huge paws on my chest. Ow.
Cain said, “Oy, dog. Get down. Mind your manners with the young miss. Nivver just jump up on a lady, you must always give her face a quick lick first.”
The dog got down and went behind Cain.
And he and Beverley laughed.
Oh, great balls of fire, I hoped she wasn’t with Cain when I had been doing the corkers rubbing. She was looking at me, like she didn’t like me.
He was looking at me as well. He’s got incredibly long black eyelashes, like a girl’s.
He does a lot of looking.
Up and down he looked.
It was making me nervous, so I said, “What’s the dog called?”
And he said, “Dog.”
Typical.
Thank Angel Gabriel and all his cohort, because Ruby came skipping along with Matilda. My two little pals.
Cain’s dog looked at Matilda.
Blimey, there was probably going to be dog fight now. Dog growled. And Matilda lay on her back and put her legs in the air. She was doing ‘hooray’.
Cain laughed and said, “Bloody women.”
Cain is just like Heathcliff.
Then he said, “Come on, Dog.” And he started walking off.
Beverley said, “Aren’t tha gonna walk me back fust?”
And he said, “Does it look like it?”
Ruby tutted and went into the barn, to say goodnight to Tallulah and Ruby.
Beverley looked a bit sad and I didn’t know what to say.
When Ruby came back, Beverley said to her, “He’s a right pig, that Cain.”
Ruby said, “I know, why don’t tha know?”
And she said, “I dunt know, I just think that if he got right sort of girl, he’d happen be happy. See thee at skipping.” And she went off ahead of us.
On our way back, Rubes and I popped to the skipathon on the village green. I should have told the girls to come, it was hilarious. I was a bit worried that the Hinchcliffs might be there, but Rubes said they don’t join in with village stuff.
Back in my bed, I’ve written this in my performance art notebook:
They are the dark outsiders. Up on the moors.
The Wuthering moors.
Planning their dark deeds.
In their dark farm.
Ruben, Seth and Heathcliff.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Then I have also written something which I might send to the Yorkshire Post:
Imagine the scene.
A small Yorkshire village, high in the moors.
It’s evening, the villagers are lining up to skip with a fourteen-foot skipping rope.
Harold is holding one end. He has the Christian Table Tennis team hanging on to him.
Dibdobs is on the other end, and she has the whole of the Brownie pack holding her waist.
Two lines of people queue up to skip.
The aim is to get the whole village skipping at once.
That is the aim.
One goes in, then two, then three.
They have to be quick as it is a big strain on the Dobbins’ arms.
Sixteen, seventeen.
It’s all going well. Everyone skipping at the same time.
Then Mr Barraclough lumbers over from The Blind Pig.
The rope comes down for the grand finale and they all leap over it at the same time.
Leaping into a place in village history – apart from Mr Barraclough. He is handing out pies to his mates.
He doesn’t see the rope.
It hits him in the shins.
Everyone falls over.
There is booing.
It’s nearly midnight, but I can hear laughing and yelling from the green, people are carrying on skipping and the Dobbins are still out. I wonder if they have ever stayed up till midnight before?
The next morning when I got to Dother Hall, Vaisey came dashing out again to see me. I thought that Vaisey had hit her peak yesterday, but today she is on cloud nine. And her hair is on cloud ten. I’ve never seen it look so perky.
She’s got a little note. From Jack.
As we went to creative writing class, she was so excited and red. She said, “He must have delivered it in the night. It was in my postbox this morning.”
How romantic, to have a note delivered to you.
Monty was reading from his ‘Diary of a Young Man’. It’s an epic he is writing as a one-man play. It’s about him. He says it is good to take your own experiences and use them in your theatre work.
He started by pretending to be asleep on a chair and then ‘woke up’ as if from a dream.
“Do you know, I really thought I was back there, with Biffo, Boffo and Sprogsy. Those happy, happy days of youth.”
And then he began gadding about, skipping and shouting with laughter.
“Biffo, pass the sandwiches, you greedy pig. Last one to the lemonade shop is a slowcoach!”
Then he was doing really slow-motion running on the spot. Looking behind him.
I whispered to Jo, “Is he still acting? Or has he gone mad?”
As Monty illustrated the use of props, by playing a record on an old record player, I asked Vaisey, “What did Jack’s note say?”
Vaisey was all pink and her hair was dancing about.
“It was really nice, just a short note. He’s been busy with The Jones and he says he’ll be here on Friday, and will see me then.”
Wooohooo. Vaisey’s first date!!
This afternoon we ‘brainstormed’ the Wuthering Heights production with Ms Fox. And she announced to everyone that I was going to be Heathcliff and that Vaisey is Cathy. We are going to improvise towards a production. It’s going to be about wildness and youth and passion. With music.
Ms Fox said, “Let’s start now. I want you to ‘go wild’, in whatever way you like. I’m going to put The Ride of the Valkyries on, so just let yourselves go. Find your inner gorilla.”
So we crashed around the studio, fighting and running and shaking everything to music. It was really good fun.
Then we had to do ‘contained violence and anger’. To the 1912 Overture.
Flossie was very good at it. And Jo had to be hauled off one of the lighting stands.
Then we had to lose our tempers in a foreign language. Jo was livid in Chinese, yelling, “You make me VELLY VELLY ANGWY!”
I tried Norwegian because of my mum. And was able to use ‘Sled-werk’ in a sentence:
“Du grossen biggen Sled-werk nit.”
I haven’t laughed so much for ages.
Ms Fox was falling about.
We went and sat under our tree at lunchtime. Even though it did look like there was a storm brewing.
Everyone was jabbering on about Wuthering Heights. Ms Fox has got us all talking ideas. Flossie and Honey are the wind-singers. And the heavenly chorus. And Jo is thunder and lightning. She’s got loads of drums to bang and a wrestling match with one of the village folk, so she is made up.
The whole thing is an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza.
It’s going to be filmed.
For posterity.
With me as a boy.
In a moustache.
I said, “Why are none of you surprised that I am Heathcliff?”
Jo said, “Well, you did the owl, and that was good.”
I said, “You thought I was a spacehopper.”
Vaisey said, “Well, what about your horsie thing? I liked that.”
And Flossie said, “You’ve got your own moustache.”
Ms Fox said she thinks my Irish dancing should be the finale. I started to say something about, where did that fit into Wuthering Heights, I don’t remember Heathcliff (or Cathy) being Irish, but no one was paying attention. Vaisey wanted to talk about what she should wear on Friday. And also how to keep her hair under control.
I said, “Don’t any of you think it’s a bit out of the blue?”
They looked at me.
I went on. “Choosing me for the lead role. Don’t you think that’s odd?”
Honey said, “Mith Fox thayth ith inthpired by your bithycle ballet, but without the biketh or you cwathing into the wingth.”
Harold and Dibdobs are very interested in my portrayal of Heathcliff
.
Harold went on a lot about his inner ‘female’. He said, “It is something we explore a lot at our Iron Man camps. This is a really very interesting topic. In fact, I have a book that we were reading round the campfire that I must rootle out for you. We used to dress the twins in dresses until they started playschool.”
I didn’t know what to say. Except, “Golly.”
The book that Harold gave me is called, A real man’s guide to soft goods: how to knit your own socks.
What did Harold know????
On Thursday, after I had accidentally stepped through an imaginary wall into the fireplace. In her French play, Dr Lightowler said to me, “Have you thought about what you will do in show business when you leave here, Tallulah? Perhaps the box office? Or theatre cloakroom attendant?”
She hates me.
CHAPTER 17
“Get your ears on, dudes!”
The Jones are live at five
Practically the whole college was hanging around the sound studio at lunchtime. The Jones were supposed to have come in this morning, and Bob was fretting around. He had a T-shirt on with a teacup on the front of it. It said underneath, I’m the mug with the band.
On the back it said, Duh.
We could hear him in the sound studio, going “One two one two…Let’s hit it, lads!!!!!” And then smashing the drums and cymbals like a madman.
It was a really hot day. Even Gudrun had let her bun down. Bumblebees were dozily bonking about, and that is when The Jones drove up the driveway. On a tractor.
When the rest of the girls heard the tractor they rushed out screaming, and I nearly choked on my banana. Seth was driving and Ruben and Cain were standing on the running board. All of them dressed in black. They got down from the tractor with their guitars and looked as if they always had sixty girls gawping at them.
Honey said, “Vewy cool.”
As Seth went in, he looked at Flossie, and winked and said, “Oh, yes.”
Flossie took off her glasses, tossed her hair and said, “Hi, y’all,” in her Texan accent.
Cain came last, walking really slowly up the steps. He looked at the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign.
He got a cigarette out and lit it. He let the smoke curl out of his lips.
Oh crumbs.
He was smoking in a ‘no smoking’ area. He was smoking by the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign.
He took a drag, and then he stubbed it out on the sign!
He said in his deep dark voice, “I dunt even smoke, but I do what I want, when I want. Because I am The Jones.”
And he pushed through the crowd, who backed away from him.
I rolled my eyes at the girls.
“ ‘I AM The Jones’? What he should have said is ‘I AM the prat’.”
Jo said, “He is bloody good-looking, though, isn’t he?”
And then coming up the driveway, we saw Jack. Vaisey went bright red to match her hair-hat.
He was a bit red-faced himself and carrying a cymbally thing. He said “Hello” when he saw us and stopped.
Vaisey seemed to have lost the power of speech, so I said, “Alright, Jack? What are you doing here?”
And he said to me, although I could tell he was looking at Vaisey, “I’ve come to play percussion for The Jones, I’m, you know, maybe going to be in the band, or something.”
We were doing enthusiastic back-up nodding and trying to get behind Vaisey at the same time.
Jack said, “Yeah, well, I’ve got to do a lot of catching up because there’s a gig next week and…but…anyway, are you alright, Vaisey?”
Vaisey looked like a startled earwig. “Yeah, I, er, I got sixty-five per cent for my singing…”
He looked genuinely pleased.
“Great, that’s great…I meant to, you know, after the, erm, vampire bats, I was going…”
Then Cain appeared back at the top of the steps.
Jack sort of hesitated for a minute, and then said, “Er, I’d better go in…I…er…See you later.”
And he did a little wave to Vaisey. And went after Cain.
Vaisey has been driving us mad all afternoon. Talking about Jack.
Honey said, “I think he weally liketh you, I can tell.”
At which point, Bob popped his head round the door and said, “Get your ears on. The Jones will be live at five. In the main theatre. Rock and roll!!!”
I was certainly not going to go.
Cain might already have written a song about me: ‘She’s got those corker-rubbing blues.’
But on the other hand I could stand at the back, where he couldn’t see me.
And crouch down a bit.
And look at him.
And see what he did.
Vaisey has been up to the dorm about eight times and come down in something different every time. We crowded into the theatre after college. All the students were there, and the teachers.
It was like going to a proper gig.
Probably.
Sidone had got dressed up in pedal pushers and a lurex top. She was already practising doing the jive with Monty.
Jo said, “That is one of the oddest things I have ever seen.”
I decided I am going to really observe Cain and base my Heathcliff on him.
There was still no sign of them at quarter to six. We could hear shouting going on in the passage. Not excited shouting, more like ‘having a barney’ shouting.
The lights went up onstage and Jack went to sit at his drum kit. Vaisey applauded like mad. Then went bright red.
Then Seth came on with his guitar. He didn’t even look at us, he just started tuning up. Flossie wolf whistled. The girls oohed and aaahed.
Then Ruben came on. And they oohed and aaahed again.
Five minutes went by, and eventually Cain came on.
And just stood there. In black. Moody and black and dangerous.
There was silence as Cain looked out into the audience. He shook his head, like he’d seen a bunch of idiots and said into the microphone, “This one is called, ‘Is it so very wrong to want you dead’.”
And they played. And Cain sang.
Well, to tell you the truth, he didn’t sing. It was more sort of growling and snarling and moaning down the microphone, whilst the band behind him made a whirlwind of noise. Jack was thumping away at the drums.
Then they played their next one called, ‘Shut up, mardy bum.’
Followed by the classic, ‘Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it’s really serious.’
It was the weirdest, most gothic gig I have ever been to.
Even though I have never been to a gig.
Sidone and Monty tried to jive but gave up and just moved their shoulders around.
Cain was like an animal in pain. And he seemed really angry. With everything. He hit the microphone. He kicked the stand. He pointed at peop
le. He even kicked Bob’s special speaker with ‘Wizard’ written on it. Bob went and stood by it with a broom.
At the end, Cain came forward and said huskily, “That’s it, leave us alone.”
The girls went mad for them.
Amazing.
Then, as Cain was storming off, he said something to Seth.
And Seth got hold of him and belted him.
Then Cain hit Seth and said something else.
Then Ruben came across and tried to break them up, and he got hit.
And then they all went off, fighting.
Amazing.
As we stood there, being amazed, Jack was left sitting behind his drums. He looked offstage for a second and then started dismantling his kit.
Vaisey said, “Should I go over?”
And we all went, “Yeah.”
So off she toddled and got up on the stage. Jack smiled when he saw her. A bit shyly, but then they were chatting and he was letting her hit his cymbal. Thank goodness, and also, Yaroooo!!!
The Hinchcliffs came swaggering back, led by Cain who had a bleeding lip. I bobbed down behind Flossie. They were signing autographs and also letting girls write their phone numbers on their arms. How ridiculous.
When they were ready to go, Cain looked up and saw Jack and Vaisey talking and laughing, and shouted over, “Jack, we’re out of here.”
Vaisey looked at Jack.
And Jack looked at Cain.
And then he looked down and started packing his kit up really quickly.
Vaisey stood there like a little red lemon for a minute or two, and then disappeared out of the stage door.
An hour later we found her up on the roof looking out to Grimbottom. And crying.
She must have been crying for an hour because her eyes are all tiny.
And her hair is droopy.
She wouldn’t come in, so in the end I headed home and the others took her out a blanket.
Back in my squirrel room, I decided I am definitely going to make our Wuthering Heights production about Cain.