Honey got up slowly. “Say, pwoudly…Oooooohhhh, I’m gorguth!”
We all sat there.
She said, “Do you want boyfwendth?”
We got up.
She said, “Follow my inthtwucthionth.”
She started sidling up to the tree saying to it, “Ooohhh, I’m gorguth. I weally, weally am.”
And she was shaking her bosoms at it and waggling her legs about.
She was so confident, it was amazing.
And sort of catching.
Vaisey started waggling her bottom at the tree saying, “Look at my lovely bottom, it’s like a lovely…jelly!”
Flossie was shouting, “Why!! You’re beeaauuutiful!!!”
It was very catching.
And I let rip with my legs.
As Jo was sweeping her hair up and down the tree, I was yelling at it, “You know you want the knees!!! Offer yourself to the knees!!!”
Then a voice behind us said, “Quickly, get a bucket of water, it’s a girl fest!”
We all looked round and a shortish boy with a dark brown, floppy fringe and good-looking face was grinning at us. Behind him was another boy, taller, with wavy, dark blonde hair. Also grinning.
None of us knew what to say. Perhaps we could pretend we were druids. Damn, I had forgotten my false moustache!
Jo eventually said, “Who are you, lurking about…er…lurking at people, who are…”
I said, “…who are doing a theatrical workshop.”
The floppy-haired one was Phil and the blonde one, Charlie. We told them our names and they leaned against the tree, looking at us. Phil has got a really nice smile, sort of twinkly, with nice teeth.
Then Charlie said to me, “Great kneework, Tallulah, if you don’t mind me saying.”
Crumbs.
Jo, who seemed to have developed the cocky gene suddenly, said to them, “What are you doing here?”
Phil said, “We are on a forced cross-country jog.”
I said, “But you’re not jogging.”
Charlie said, “Well spotted.”
Phil said, “We were on the jog, but we got tired of the jog.”
Charlie went on, “We got tired of the jog just after we came out of the school gates. And thank goodness we did, otherwise we would have missed finding the ‘Tree Sisters Club’.”
Phil said, “I would have never forgiven myself.”
Vaisey said, “We are getting ideas for our Wuthering Heights performance.”
We all nodded and I crossed my legs casually. Charlie smiled at me.
I said, “Yes, we are at the performing arts summer school at Dother Hall. That is what we are at…”
I trailed off because both Phil and Charlie were looking at me.
Phil said, “So, let me get this right, you are all training to be lesbians?”
I said, “I think you mean thespians.”
And Charlie said, “I know what I saw, love.”
And he and Phil laughed.
And funnily enough, we all laughed. It must have looked bloody weird dancing round a tree and trying to get off with it.
We all relaxed then. It was exciting having two captive, real-life boys to talk to. Vaisey asked them about their school, Woolfe Academy. “What do you do there?”
Charlie said, “We get bored and depressed, mostly.”
Phil said, “We’re there because…well it’s a small thing, really, there was a bit of…an incident at our, er ‘normal’ school.”
We looked at him.
Phil went on, “You know how it is with boys and home-made fireworks. And science labs that, you know…go…”
I said, “Go?”
Charlie said, “Up.”
Phil went on, “So the bottom line is that we are at Woolfe Academy to be taught how to become decent citizens.”
Wow.
Flossie said, “Are you, like, ‘out of control yoof’?”
Phil said, “Very like that.”
Vaisey said, “Is it because your parents don’t understand you?”
Charlie said, “No, it’s because our parents understand us very well, and that is why they wanted us to go away.”
Phil was nodding wisely. “Yes, we are here to learn how to become normal young men, and to do that we have to jog everywhere with rucksacks on our backs. That is the key.”
Charlie went on, “Although, to be frank, if the headmaster had his way we would be hopping everywhere. Just to show us what real life is really about. He’s only got one leg.”
Out of the blue, Phil said to Jo, “I liked your hair dance thing. Was that the magic of modern dance?”
Jo frowned. And jabbered on like Jabber the Wok. “Yes. We do dance at college, in fact, hahahahaha Tallulah has already done Irish dancing. She kneed the headmistress. On stage. In front of everyone.”
Oh, thank you very much, new, strong, but thickish friend.
Charlie said, “Wow! You kneed the headmistress. Would you mind if I touched the sacred knees?”
What did that mean?
Was he joking?
Or had my knees made a real impact?
At that moment, there was a piercing whistle and the sound of pounding feet in the near distance. A voice yelled, “OK, lads, keep it up! Well run, Miles Senior, just the ploughed field, through the copse and home. Keep it up!!”
Phil and Charlie got up and started jogging on the spot.
Phil said, “Time to take our surprise lead at the other end of the copse.”
As they jogged off, Charlie shouted, “Ta ta, don’t be strangers!”
And they were gone.
Wow.
And phew.
CHAPTER 7
He had everything a dream boy should have
Back, front, sides, a head
Ambling to the village on Thursday with Jo and Flossie and Vaisey – Honey has a singing lesson so she is off to the music studio – we were, of course, talking about the boys. Phil and Charlie.
Vaisey said, “I thought they were both quite cute. And friendly. And funny. How can we see them again? Should we go and hang around the tree every day?”
Jo said, “Phil was cute, wasn’t he? But he’s a bit short.”
I said to her, “Jo, you know that saying ‘it’s like the pot calling the kettle black’? Well, you saying that Phil is a bit short, is like a tiny, tiny, black pot calling a tiny kettle black.”
Flossie said, “What pot? Who’s got a pot? Where’s my pot? I want a pot!”
When we reached Heckmondwhite, Flossie and Jo went into the village shop to get emergency supplies to stave off night starvation. Fun-sized Mars bars mainly. And Vaisey and I did hanging about duties.
As we lolled on the wall, Ruby came out of The Blind Pig. I hadn’t seen her since Sunday and it was nice to see her little face.
She called out, “Nah then!”
What did that mean?
Ruby asked us what we had beeen doing at college.
I told her, “In a nutshell, I did some Irish knee dancing, Vaisey trotted about pretending to be Black Beauty…and then we met some boys from Woolfe Academy, lurking in the undergrowth.”
Ruby said, “Why were you lurking in the undergrowth?”
Vaisey said, “Not us, them. Boys. They were quite cute, weren’t they, Lullah? But…anyway, you are too young for this sort of talk, Ruby. Did you play skipping and stuff today?”
Ruby just looked at her. “I’ve kissed boys, tha knows.”
What?
She said, “There’s nowt to it. It’s natural, like cows and that.”
Do cows kiss? I didn’t know anything about anything.
Vaisey was amazed. “You’ve kissed boys?”
Ruby went on, “They allus want to kiss you. You have to shape them up a bit, some of them don’t even know to take their chewing gum out.”
I couldn’t think of one single thing to say.
The others came out with their provisions and Ruby said, “I’ve found some owl eggs, do y
ou want to see them?”
Jo and Flossie said they had to go, because they had a lot of provisions to get through and Vaisey wanted to go and read Wuthering Heights. We have Dr Lightowler tomorrow. Oh good. Or goooooooood as she might say. But probably not to me.
Vaisey toddled off. Her perky little bottom sticking out in a friendly way.
I really like her.
She’s my new hair-hat friend.
And Rubes?
She’s…well, what would you call her? Too little for a proper friend. A friendster? A mini friendster? A fun-sized friend?
She and I went down the side path that ran along the back of the Dobbins’ house. We bobbed down because I could see Dibdobs in the kitchen and I didn’t want to have the staring brothers following us. As we passed my bedroom window at the back, I looked up to see what you could see. Quite a lot is what you could see. For instance, if someone had been, say, standing in the window in their pyjamas, spying on you snogging. You could have seen that.
I said casually to Ruby, “Um, do you know a boy called…Cain?”
Ruby laughed. “Who doesn’t know Cain? Who doesn’t know the Hinchcliffs? Ruben and Seth are bad enough, but Cain…”
Oh, this was worse than I thought.
I said nervously, “What is this Cain…um…what does he, why is he, um…”
Ruby said, “He’s alright really, but he’s as much use as a chocolate teapot. The girls go mad for him, though. He’s good-looking, I’ll say that fer him, but the way he…well.”
I couldn’t help myself. “The way he…what?”
“Well, he goes out wi’ girls and snogs ‘em and then he dumps ‘em. And gets another one, and then he goes back t’first and gets ‘er again and then dumps ‘er again. The amount of crying about that lad.”
I said, “Well…I mean, more fool the girls for going out with him.”
Ruby said, “Oh, he nivver takes ‘em out anywhere. They just turn up to see his gigs.”
I said, “What do you mean, ‘they just turn up to see his gigs’?”
Ruby sighed, “The Hinchcliff boys formed a band called The Jones. They’re right boring, they just moan on about stuff.”
I said, “Like what?”
Ruby crinkled her nose up. “You know, stuff like…‘Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it’s really serious’ is one of their tunes. They’ve got one that Cain wrote about his girlfriend at the time. It’s called ‘Shut up, mardy bum.’
We’d reached an old barn and Ruby stopped her tale of Cain the Cad to say, “The eggs are in here at the far end. I’ll just make sure Connie’s not around or she’ll attack our heads.”
Connie? Attack our heads?
I said, “Does Connie own the barn?”
Ruby said, “No, tha great Jessie, Connie’s the big mother owl.”
Now I remembered Connie, snoozing as she ate the mouse.
I pulled my hat down.
We went further into the dark barn and over to some hay bales. And there they were, the eggs, two of them. Glowing sort of whitely. We looked at them for a bit. It’s quite fascinating, but, um, boring. I said, “When will they, you know, come out?”
She said, “Dust tha mean hatch?”
I nodded.
She said, “Abaht three to four weeks, I reckon.”
We looked at them again.
Ruby said, “They’re nice eggs, aren’t they?”
I said to Ruby, “Ruby, do you think that we all have egginess in common?”
She looked at me. “Dad said this would happen. He said that you were all barmy and that if I hung around with you it would only be a matter of time before I was prancing around like a tit.”
I said, “It’s not me. This posh girl called Lavinia did an eggy performance. She said that she became more egg-shaped as she did it. I only did my accidental comedy version of Irish dancing.”
Ruby said, “Go on then, do it for me.”
I said, “I feel a bit shy.”
Ruby just looked at me. “That’ll be a help when your on’t stage in front of folk.”
I said, “Alright I will…I’ll do it, I’ll just get in the mood by doing the intro music first.”
Ruby sat on a hay bale and I got up on another one.
I started singing, “Well, hiddly diddly diddly dee. We’re all off to Dublin in the green, in the green, hiddly diddly diddle dee…” And went into my dance. Arms by the side and leaping, leaping, leap. High kick, high kick, twirly ankle, twirly ankle.
Ruby was laughing like a drain when I heard the barn door creak open and a deep voice said, “Ruby, are you in here?”
Cain!
I tried to get behind the hay bale and promptly fell over it. Nearly smashing the owl eggs as well. As I was lying in the hay, the best-looking boy I have ever seen loomed over me. He was tall and long-limbed with a cool Fred Perry shirt on. I could see he had longish, thick hair and a lovely broad mouth. He smiled at me and held out a hand to pull me up.
“Hello, I’m Alex, Ruby’s brother.”
I said, “Hello, I’m…um…”
And I’d forgotten my own name.
Ruby seemed unfazed by this. She said, “She’s called Tallulah and she goes to that bonkers school.”
Alex laughed. “Rubes thinks that anyone who prats around on stage is mad.”
I said, “Heehee, your dad said me and my friends were breeding.”
Were you supposed to say ‘breeding’ in front of best-looking boys?
To cover it up I said, “I nearly smashed up the owl eggs, but I didn’t and I’m glad because we…we’re all like eggs…in a way.”
Ruby said, “Dunt start that bloody egg business agin.”
It turns out that Alex is going to go to performing arts college in Liverpool! As we walked back from the barn I said, “Wow…um…oh, wow. Liverpool. That’s, well, that’s not…here, is it?”
He laughed again. “Nope.”
He was sooooo lovely. And, well, gorgeous. He had everything a dream boy should have. Back, front, sides. Everything. A head. And all in a boy shape.
When we got to the Dobbins’ gate, I said, “Buenos Noches!” and giggled like a nitwit.
Ruby looked at me and rolled her eyes and then said, “I’m off.”
As Ruby ran on home, Alex said, “Well, nice to meet you. Yeah, actually I’m coming up to the college some time soon, doing some work with Monty.”
I said, “Monty?”
“Monty de Courcy.”
I said, “Oh, that Monty…hmm.”
I nodded.
He said, “Nice to meet you, Tallulah. That must be one of the coolest names. Bye.”
In my squirrel room.
I have met a dream boy, in boy form. He said I had a cool name.
He said nothing against my knees.
He couldn’t actually see my knees, but…
I realise that in one day I’ve had more boy fun than I have had in fourteen and a half years. Today has made the bottom-touching kitbag incident fade into insignificance.
I LOVE Yorkshire. I do. I really do.
CHAPTER 8
I’m not an Irish dancing broom
I’m a human being
Icannot believe that Ruby has got such a gorgeous brother.
Alex.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I thought, I can hardly believe that a whole week has gone by.
A whole week since I first came to Dother Hall and nearly a whole day since I’ve seen Alex.
I have decided to wear my green top and tight zip-sided jeans. And a little cardi. And the flip flops that Dad brought me back from Brazil. They are gold.
My hair is bouncy today. Should I backcomb the top bit to give it a bit more umph?
As I looked in the bathroom mirror, the sun shone and beamed into my eyes. They gave me a bit of a turn. They do look very green indeed today. Funny to look at your own eyes and think, crumbs that’s a bit green.
Hey and hang on a minute, I think, maybe, when
I look closely I can see little tiny bumps under my T-shirt. Woo-hoo! At this rate I might even be able to buy a bra by the time I am forty. Just in time for my pension.
Still, it’s a start.
Two starts actually.
I went downstairs to the kitchen to find Dibdobs in ginormous shorts and a cowboy hat with bits of rope on it.
She looked up and gave me a salute. “Dib dib dib, Tallulah.”
She put two boiled eggs on the table for me. They had little bobble hat things to keep them warm. Still, as I now know, we are all eggs deep down. Did that make it cannibalism if I ate them?
I removed an egg hat to smash its head in and Dibdobs said, “Harold made the egg hats. I did tell you we’re going away this weekend. It’s the Brownies camp for me and the boys. It’s the tiddlywinks grand final, so it’s all tension.”
I started to say, “I haven’t got my tiddles, um, or is it winks, so I couldn’t possibly—”
She was smiling, “And Harold is going into the woods with his Iron Man group.”
His what?
I said, “Well that sounds…wizard.”
Dibdobs came and gave me a big hug. “I thought you would like to be with Vaisey, so I’ve arranged for you to stay at The Blind Pig – pop round there after college tonight.”
I was doing secret inward sniggering. And a secret inward voice in my head was saying (in a strange breathy voice…) Yes, yessss, I will pop round to The Blind Pig. I will ‘pop’ round because guess who lives at The Blind Pig? It is not a blind pig, it is Alex. Alex, the best-looking boy in the universe. Alex, who said I had a cool name. Alex who…
And that is when the twins came in, both in huge shorts.
They came and stood an inch away from me to do their silent looking.
But I was too happy to be freaked out by them.
So I smiled at them in between mouthfuls of eggy.
They did what they think is smiling back.
The wobbly teefs have gone, so now when they smile it’s like looking at sock creatures. If you can imagine that.