CHAPTER XXVI
TWO STRANGERS
"You came back to the tent," she began, "and ever since then you havemisunderstood what you saw. For this is the truth: I was going tokill myself."
Thresk was startled as he had not expected to be; and a great wave ofrelief swept over him and uplifted his soul. Here was the simplestexplanation, yet it had never occurred to him. Always he had beenbesieged by the vision of Stella standing quietly by the table,deliberately preparing her rifle for use, always he had linked up thatvision with the death of Stephen Ballantyne in a dreadful connection. Hedid not doubt that she spoke the truth now. Looking at her and noticingthe anguish of her face, he could not doubt it. So definite apremeditation as he had imagined there had not been, and relief carriedhim to pity.
"So it had come to that?" he said.
"Yes," replied Stella. "And you had your share in bringing it tothat--you who sit in judgment."
"I!" Thresk exclaimed.
"Yes, you who sit in judgment. I am not alone. No, I am not alone. Acrime was committed? Then you must shoulder your portion of the blame."
Thresk asked himself in vain what was his share. He had done a cowardlything years ago a few miles from this spot. He had never ceased toreproach himself for the cowardice. But that it had lived and worked likesome secret malady until in the end it had made him an all-unconsciousaccomplice in that midnight tragedy, a sharer in its guilt, if guiltthere were--here again was news for him. But the knowledge which herfirst words had given to him, that all these years he had never got thetruth of her, kept him humble now. He ceased to be judge. He became pupiland as pupil he answered her.
"I am ready to shoulder it."
He was seated on a cushioned bench which stood behind the writing-tableand Stella sat down at his side.
"When we parted--that morning--it was in the drawing-room over there inmy cottage. We parted, you to your work of getting on, Henry, I to thinkof you getting on without me at your side. There was a letter lying onthe table, a letter from India. Jane Repton had written it and she askedme to go out to her for the cold weather. I went. I was a young girl,lonely and very unhappy, and as young girls often do who are lonely andvery unhappy I drifted into marriage."
"I see," said Thresk in a hushed voice. The terrible conviction grew uponhim now, lurid as the breaking of a day of storm, that the cowardice hehad shown on Bignor Hill ruined her altogether and hurt him not at all."Yes, I see. There my share begins."
"Oh no. Not yet," she answered. "Then I spoke when I should have keptsilence. I let my heart go out when I should have guarded it. No, Icannot blame you."
"You have the right none the less."
But Stella would not excuse herself now and to him by any subtletyor artifice.
"No: I married. That was my affair. I wasbeaten--despised--ridiculed--terrified by a husband who drank secretlyand kept all his drunkenness for me. That, too, was my affair. But Imight have gone on. For seven years it had lasted. I was settling into adull habit of misery. I might have gone on being bullied and tortured hadnot one little thing happened to push me over the precipice."
"And what was that?" asked Thresk.
"Your visit to me at Chitipur," she replied, and the words took hisbreath away. Why, he had travelled to Chitipur merely to save her. Heleaned forward eagerly but she anticipated him. She smiled at him with anindulgent forgiveness. "Oh, why did you come? But I know."
"Do you?" Thresk asked. Here at all events she was wrong.
"Yes. You came because of that one weak soft spot of sentimentalism thereis in all of you, the strongest, the hardest. You are strong for years.You live alone for years. Then comes the sentimental moment and it's wewho suffer, not you."
And deep in Thresk's mind was the terror of the mistakes people make inignorance of each other, and of the mortal hurt the mistakes inflict. Hehad misread Stella. Here was she misreading him and misreading him insome strange way to her peril and ruin.
"You are sure of that?" he asked. She had no doubt--no more doubt than hehad had of the reason why she stood preparing her rifle.
"Quite," she answered. "You had heard of me in Bombay and it came overyou that you would like to see how the woman you had loved looked afterall these years: whether she retained her pretty way, whether she missedyou--ah, above all, whether she missed you. You wanted to fan up into amild harmless flame the ashes of an old romance, warm your hands at itfor half an hour, recapture a savour of dim and pleasant memories andthen go back to your own place and your own work, untouched and unhurt."
Thresk laughed aloud with bitterness at the mistake she had made. Yet hecould not blame her. There was a certain shrewd insight which though ithad led her astray in this case might well have been true in any othercase, might well have been true of him. He remembered her disbelief inall that he had said to her in that tent at Chitipur; and he was appalledby the irony of things and the blind and feeble helplessness of men tocombat it.
"So that's why I came to Chitipur?" he cried.
"Yes," Stella answered without a second of hesitation. "But I couldn't beleft untouched and unhurt. You came and all that I had lost came withyou, came in a vivid rush of bright intolerable memories." She claspedher hands over her eyes and Thresk lived over again that evening in thetent upon the desert, but with a new understanding. His mind wasillumined. He saw the world as a prison in which each living being isshut off from his neighbour by the impenetrable wall of an inability tounderstand.
"Memories of summers here," she resumed, "of women friends, of dainty andcomfortable things, and days of great happiness when it was good--oh sovery good!--to be alive and young. And you were going back to it all,straight by the night-mail to Bombay, straight from the station on boardyour ship. Oh, how it hurt to hear you speak of it, with a casualpleasant word about exile and next-door neighbours!" She clasped herhands together in front of her, her fingers worked and twisted. "No, Icouldn't endure it," she whispered. "The blows, the ridicule, thecontempt, I determined, should come to an end that night, and when yousaw me with the rifle in my hand I was going to end it."
"Yes?"
"And then the stupidest thing happened. I couldn't find the little boxof cartridges."
Stella described to him how she had run hither and thither about thetent, opening drawers, looking into bags and growing more nervous andmore flurried with every second that passed. She had so little time.Ballantyne was not going as far as the station with Thresk. He merelyintended to see his visitor off beyond the edge of the camp. And it mustall be over and done with before he came back. She heard Ballantyne callto Thresk to sit firm while the camel rose; and still she had not foundthem. She heard Thresk's voice saying good-night.
"The last words, Henry, I wanted to hear in the world. I thought that Iwould wait for them and the moment they had died away--then. But I hadn'tfound the cartridges and so the search began again."
Thresk, watching her as she lived through again those desperate minutes,was carried back to Chitipur and seemed to be looking into that tent. Hehad a dreadful picture before his eyes of a hunted woman rushing wildlyfrom table to table, with a white, quivering face and lips which babbledincoherently and feverish hands which darted out nervously, over-settingbooks and ornaments--in a vain search for a box of cartridges wherewithto kill herself. She found them at last behind the whisky bottle, andclutched at them with a great sigh of relief. She carried them over tothe table on which she had laid her rifle, and as she pushed one intothe breech, Stephen Ballantyne stood in the doorway of the tent.
"He swore at me," Stella continued. "I had taken the necklace off. I hadshown you the bruises on my throat. He cursed me for it, and he asked meroughly why I didn't shoot myself and rid him of a fool. I stood withoutanswering him. That always maddened him. I didn't do it on purpose. I hadbecome dull and slow. I just stood and looked at him stupidly, and in afury he ran at me with his fist raised. I recoiled, he frightened me, andthen before he reached me--yes." Her voice died away in a whisper
. Threskdid not interrupt. There was more for her to tell and one dreadfulincident to explain. Stella went on in a moment, looking straight infront of her and with all the passion of fear gone from her voice.
"I remember that he stood and stared at me foolishly for a little while.I had time to believe that nothing had happened, and to be glad thatnothing had happened and to be terrified of what he would do to me. Andthen he fell and lay quite still."
It seemed that she had no more to say, that she meant to leaveunexplained the inexplicable thing; and even Thresk put it out ofhis thoughts.
"It was an accident then," he cried. "After all, Stella, it was anaccident."
But Stella sat mutely at his side. Some struggle was taking place in herand was reflected in her countenance. Thresk's eager joy was damped.
"No, my friend," she said at length, slowly and very deliberately. "Itwas not an accident."
"But you fired in fear." Thresk caught now at that alternative. "You shotin self-defence. Stella, I blundered at Bombay." He moved away from herin his agitation. "I am sorry. Oh, I am very sorry. I should never havecome forward at all. I should have lain quiet and let your counseldevelop his case, as he was doing, on the line of self-defence. You wouldhave been acquitted--and rightly acquitted. You would have had thesympathy of every one. But I didn't know your story. I was afraid thatthe discovery of Ballantyne outside the tent would ruin you. I knew thatmy story could not fail to save you. So I told it. But I was wrong,Stella. I blundered. I did you a great harm."
He was standing before her now and so poignant an anguish rang in hisvoice that Stella was moved by it to discard her plans. Thus she hadmeant to tell the story if ever she was driven to it. Thus she had toldit. But now she put out a timid hand and took him by the arm.
"I said I would tell you the truth. But I have not told it all. It's sohard not to keep one little last thing back. Listen to me"; and with abowed head and her hand still clinging desperately to his arm she madethe final revelation.
"It's true I was crazy with fear. But there was just one little momentwhen I knew what I was going to do, when it came upon me that the way Ihad chosen before was the wrong one, and this new way the right one. No,no," she cried as Thresk moved. "Even that's not all. That moment--youcould hardly measure it in time, yet to me it was distinct enough and ismarked distinctly in my memories, for during it _he_ drew back."
"What?" cried Thresk. "Don't say it, Stella!"
"Yes," she answered. "During it he drew back, knowing what I was going todo just as I suddenly knew it. It was a moment when he seemed to me tobleat--yes, that's the word--to bleat for mercy."
She had told the truth now and she dropped her hand from his sleeve.
"And you? What did you do?" asked Thresk.
"I? Oh, I went mad, I think. When I saw him lying there I lost my head.The tent was flecked with great spots of fire which whirled in front ofmy eyes and hurt. A strength far greater than mine possessed me. I wascrazy. I dragged him out of the tent for no reason--that's the truth--forno reason at all. Can you believe that?"
"Yes," replied Thresk readily enough. "I can well believe that."
"Then something broke," she resumed. "I felt weak and numbed. I draggedmyself to my room. I went to bed. Does that sound very horrible to you?I had one clear thought only. It was over. It was all over. I slept."She leaned back in her chair, her hands dropped to her side, her eyesclosed. "Yes I did actually sleep."
A clock ticking upon the mantelshelf seemed to grow louder and louder inthe silence of the library. The sound of it forced itself upon Thresk. Itroused Stella. She opened her eyes. In front of her Thresk was standing,his face grave and very pitiful.
"Now answer me truly," said Stella, and leaning forward she fixed hereyes upon him. "If you still loved me, would you, knowing this story,refuse to marry me?"
Thresk looked back across the years of her unhappy life and saw her asthe sport of a malicious destiny.
"No," he said, "I should not."
"Then why shouldn't Dick marry me?"
"Because he doesn't know this story."
Stella nodded her head.
"Yes. There's the flaw in my appeal to you, I know. You are quite right.I should have told him. I should tell him now," and suddenly she droppedon her knees before Thresk, the tears burst from her eyes, and in a voicebroken with passion she cried:
"But I daren't--not yet. I have tried to--oh, more than once. Believethat, Henry! You must believe it! But I couldn't. I hadn't the courage.You will give me a little time, won't you? Oh, not long. I will tell himof my own free will--very soon, Henry. But not now--not now."
The sound of her sobbing and the sight of her distress wrung Thresk'sheart. He lifted her from the ground and held her.
"There's another way, Stella," he said gently.
"Oh, I know," she answered. She was thinking of the little bottle withthe tablets of veronal which stood by her bed, not for the first timethat night. She did not stop to consider whether Thresk, too, had thatway in his mind. It came to her so naturally; it was so easy, so simple away. She never thought that she misunderstood. She had come to the end ofthe struggle; the battle had gone against her; she recognised it; andnow, without complaint, she bowed her head for the final blow. Theinherited habit of submission taught her that the moment had come forcompliance and gave her the dignity of patience. "Yes, I suppose that Imust take that way," she said, and she walked towards the chair overwhich she had thrown her wrap. "Good-night, Henry."
But before she had thrown the cloak about her shoulders Thresk stoodbetween her and the window. He took the cloak from her hands.
"There have been too many mistakes, Stella, between you and me. Theremust be no more. Here are we--until to-night strangers, and because wewere strangers, and never knew it, spoiling each other's lives."
Stella looked at him in bewilderment. She had taught Thresk that nightunimagined truths about herself. She was now to learn something of theinner secret man which the outward trappings of success concealed. He ledher to a sofa and placed her at his side.
"You have said a good many hard things to me, Stella," he said with asmile--"most of them true, but some untrue. And the untrue things youwouldn't have said if you had ever chanced to ask yourself one question:why I really missed my steamer at Bombay."
Stella Ballantyne was startled. She made a guess but faltered in theutterance of it, so ill it fitted with her estimate of him.
"You missed it on purpose?"
"Yes. I didn't come to Chitipur on any sentimental journey"; and he toldhow he had seen her portrait in Jane Repton's drawing-room and learnt ofthe misery of her marriage.
"I came to fetch you away."
And again Stella stared at him.
"You? You pitied me so much? Oh, Henry!"
"No. I wanted you so much. It's quite true that I sacrificed everythingfor success. I don't deny that it is well worth having. But Jane Reptonsaid something to me in Bombay so true--you can get whatever you want ifyou want it enough, but you cannot control the price you will have topay. I know, my dear, that I paid too big a price. I trampled downsomething better worth having."
Stella rose suddenly to her feet.
"Oh, if I had known that on the night in Chitipur! What a difference itwould have made!" She turned swiftly to him. "Couldn't you have told me?"
"I hadn't a chance. I hadn't five minutes with you alone. And youwouldn't have believed me if I had had the chance. I left my pipe behindme in order to come back and tell you. I had only the time then to tellyou that I would write."
"Yes, yes," she answered, and again the cry burst from her: "What adifference it would have made! Merely to have known that you reallywanted me!"
She would never have taken that rifle from the corner and searched forthe cartridges, that she might kill herself! Whether she had consented ornot to go away and ruin Thresk's future she would have had a little faithwherewith to go on and face the world. If she had only known! But up onthe top of Bignor Hill a
blow had been struck under which her faith hadreeled and it had never had a chance of recovery. She laughed harshly.The heart of her tragedy was now revealed to her. She saw herself thesport of gods who sat about like cruel louts torturing a helpless animaland laughing stupidly at its sufferings. She turned again to Thresk andheld out her hand.
"Thank you. You would have ruined yourself for me."
"Ruin's a large word," he answered, and still holding her hand he drewher down again. She yielded reluctantly. She might misread his character,but when the feelings and emotions were aroused she had the unerringinsight of her sex. She was warned by it now. She looked at Thresk withstartled eyes.
"Why have you told me all this?" she asked in suspense, ready for flight.
"I want to prepare you. There's a way out of the trouble--the honest wayfor both of us: to make a clean breast of it together and together takewhat follows."
She was on her feet and away from him in a second.
"No, no," she cried in alarm, and Thresk mistook the cause of the alarm.
"You can't be tried again, Stella. That's over. You have been acquitted."
She temporised.
"But you?"
"I?" and he shrugged his shoulders. "I take the consequences. I doubt ifthey would be so very heavy. There would be some sympathy. Andafterwards--it would be as though you had slipped down from Chitipur toBombay and joined me as I had planned. We can make the best of our livestogether."
There was so much sincerity in his manner, so much simplicity she couldnot doubt him; and the immensity of the sacrifice he was prepared to makeoverwhelmed her. It was not merely scandal and the Divorce Court which hewas ready to brave now. He had gone beyond the plan contemplated atBombay. He was willing to go hand in hand with her into the outerdarkness, laying down all that he had laboured for unsparingly.
"You would do that for me?" she said. "Oh, you put me to shame!" and shecovered her face with her hands.
"You give up your struggle for a footing in the world--that's what youwant, isn't it?" He pleaded, and she drew her hands away from her face.He believed that? He imagined that she was fighting just for a name, aposition in the world? She stared at him in amazement, and forced herselfto understand. Since he himself had cared for her enough to remainunmarried, since the knowledge of the mistake which he had made had grownmore bitter with each year, he had fallen easily into that other errorthat she had never ceased to care too.
"We'll make something of our lives, never fear," he was saying. "But tomarry this man for his position, and he not knowing--oh, my dear, I knowhow you are driven--but it won't do! It won't do!"
She stood in silence for a little while. One by one he had torn herdefences down. She could hardly bear the gentleness upon his face andshe turned away from him and sat down upon a chair a little way off.
"Stand there, Henry," she said. A strange composure had succeeded heragitation. "I must tell you something more which I had meant to hidefrom you--the last thing which I have kept back. It will hurt you, Iam afraid."
There came a change upon Thresk's face. He was steeling himself tomeet a blow.
"Go on."
"It isn't because of his position that I cling to Dick. I want him tokeep that--yes--for his sake. I don't want him to lose more by marryingme than he needs must"; and comprehension burst upon Henry Thresk.
"You care for him then! You really care for him?"
"So much," she answered, "that if I lost him now I should lose all theworld. You and I can't go back to where we stood nine years ago. You hadyour chance then, Henry, if you had wished to take it. But you didn'twish it, and that sort of chance doesn't often come again. Others likeit--yes. But not quite the same one. I am sorry. But you must believe me.If I lost Dick I should lose all the world."
So far she had spoken very deliberately, but now her voice faltered.
"That is my one poor excuse."
The unexpected word roused Thresk to inquiry.
"Excuse?" he asked, and with her eyes fixed in fear upon him shecontinued:
"Yes. I meant Dick to marry me publicly. But I saw that his father shrankfrom the marriage. I grew afraid. I told Dick of my fears. He banishedthem. I let him banish them."
"What do you mean?" Thresk asked.
"We were married privately in London five days ago."
Thresk uttered a low cry and in a moment Stella was at his side, all hercomposure gone.
"Oh, I know that it was wrong. But I was being hunted. They were all likea pack of wolves after me. Mr. Hazlewood had joined them. I was driveninto a corner. I loved Dick. They meant to tear him from me without anypity. I clung. Yes, I clung."
But Thresk thrust her aside.
"You tricked him," he cried.
"I didn't dare to tell him," Stella pleaded, wringing her hands. "Ididn't dare to lose him."
"You tricked him," Thresk repeated; and at the note of anger in his voiceStella found herself again.
"You accuse and condemn me?" she asked quietly.
"Yes. A thousand times, yes," he exclaimed hotly, and she answered withanother question winged on a note of irony:
"Because I tricked him? Or because I--married him?"
Thresk was silenced. He recognised the truth implied in the distinction,he turned to her with a smile.
"Yes," he answered. "You are right, Stella. It's because youmarried him."
He stood for a moment in thought. Then with a gesture of helplessness hepicked up her cloak. She watched his action and as he came towards hershe cried:
"But I'll tell him now, Henry." In a way she owed it to this man whocared for her so much, who was so prepared for sacrifice, if sacrificecould help. That morning on the downs was swept from her memory now."Yes, I'll tell him now," she said eagerly. Since Henry Thresk setsuch store upon that confession, why so very likely would Dick, herhusband, too.
But Thresk shook his head.
"What's the use now? You give him no chance. You can't set him free"; andStella was as one turned to stone. All argument seemed sooner or later toturn to that one dread alternative which had already twice that nightforced itself on her acceptance.
"Yes, I can, Henry, and I will, I promise you, if he wishes to be free. Ican do it quite easily, quite naturally. Any woman could. So many of ustake things to make us sleep."
There was no boastfulness in her voice or manner, but rather a despairingrecognition of facts.
"Good God, you mustn't think of it!" said Thresk eagerly. "That's toobig a price to pay."
Stella shook her head wistfully.
"You hear it said, Henry," she answered with an indescribablewistfulness, "that women will do anything to keep the men they love.They'll do a great deal--I am an example--but not always everything.Sometimes love runs just a little stronger. And then it craves that theloved one shall get all he wants to have. If Dick wants his freedom Itoo, then, shall want him to have it."
And while Thresk stood with no words to answer her there came a knockingupon the door. It was gentle, almost furtive, but it startled them bothlike a clap of thunder. For a moment they stood rigid. Then Thresksilently handed Stella her cloak and pointed towards the window. Hebegan to speak aloud. A word or two revealed his plan to StellaBallantyne. He was rehearsing a speech which he was to make in theCourts before a jury. But the handle of the door rattled and now old Mr.Hazlewood's voice was heard.
"Thresk! Are you there?"
Once more Thresk pointed to the window. But Stella did not move.
"Let him in," she said quietly, and with a glance at her heunlocked the door.
Mr. Hazlewood stood outside. He had not gone to bed that night. He hadtaken off his coat and now wore a smoking-jacket.
"I knew that I should not sleep to-night, so I sat up," he began, "and Ithought that I heard voices here."
Over Thresk's shoulder he saw Stella Ballantyne standing erect in themiddle of the room, her shining gown the one bright patch of colour. "Youhere?" he cried to her, and Thresk made way for him to
enter. He advancedto her with a look of triumph in his eyes.
"You here--at this house--with Thresk? You were persuading him tocontinue to hold his tongue."
Stella met his gaze steadily.
"No," she replied. "He was persuading me to the truth, and he hassucceeded."
Mr. Hazlewood smiled and nodded. There was no magnanimity in his triumph.A schoolboy would have shown more chivalry to the opponent who was down.
"You confess then? Good! Richard must be told."
"Yes," answered Stella. "I claim the right to tell him."
But Mr. Hazlewood scoffed at the proposal.
"Oh dear no!" he cried. "I refuse the claim. I shall go straight toRichard now."
He had actually taken a couple of steps towards the door before Stella'svoice rang out suddenly loud and imperative.
"Take care, Mr. Hazlewood. After you have told him he will come to me.Take care!"
Hazlewood stopped. Certainly that was true.
"I'll tell Dick to-morrow, here, in your presence," she said. "And if hewishes it I'll set him free and never trouble either of you again."
Hazlewood looked at Thresk and was persuaded to consent. Reflectionshowed him that it was the better plan. He himself would be present whenStella spoke. He would see that the truth was told without embroidery.
"Very well, to-morrow," he said.
Stella flung the cloak over her shoulders and went up to the window.Thresk opened it for her.
"I'll see you to your door," he said.
The moon had risen now. It hung low with the branches of a tree like alattice across its face; and on the garden and the meadow lay thatunearthly light which falls when a moonlit night begins to drown in theonrush of the dawn.
"No," she said. "I would rather go alone. But do something for me, willyou? Stay to-morrow. Be here when I tell him." She choked down a sob."Oh, I shall want a friend and you are so kind."
"So kind!" he repeated with a note of bitterness. Could there be praisefrom a woman's lips more deadly? You are kind; you are put in your placein the ruck of men; you are extinguished.
"Oh yes, I'll stay."
She stood for a moment on the stone flags outside the window.
"Will he forgive?" she asked. "You would. And he is not so very young, ishe? It's the young who don't forgive. Good-night."
She went along the path and across the meadow. Thresk watched her go andsaw the light spring up in her room. Then he closed the window and drewthe curtain. Mr. Hazlewood had gone. Thresk wondered what the morrowwould bring. After all, Stella was right. Youth was a graceful thing ofhigh-sounding words and impetuous thoughts, but like many other gracefulthings it could be hard and cruel. Its generosity did not come from anywide outlook on a world where there is a good deal to be said foreverything. It was rather a matter of physical health than judgment. Yes,he was glad Dick Hazlewood was half his way through the thirties. Forhimself--well, he knew his business. It was to be kind. He turned off thelights and went to bed.