I am nervous about going home. I ain’t gone lie about that. I really don’t want to see Percy or have to go back to the place where I’ve experienced so much pain, but I know I have to go back. That’s the only way this is going to work. It has to work. I’m still hurting and my belly is empty. Sad doesn’t even begin to describe it. I feel like death warmed over.
They gave me some pain medication. It’s helping a little, but it makes me so tired and sleepy. I don’t want to sleep. That’s where the nightmares are. Every time I close my eyes I see my baby, and I cry in my sleep because I will never get to know just what would have been. I feel the longing for what was mine; what he took from me. And then I see him and the longing turns into something else. Even in my sleep I want to end his miserable life. I hate Percy more than I ever thought I could hate anything or anybody. I have to make this right for my own sanity. I have to make this right.
Dr. Randolph has been taking forever to get back to me. As much as I dread going home I don’t want to stay in this hospital bed either. I’m so grateful to Yvette for leaving me some money for the cab. I definitely didn’t want to have to call my family to come and see about me. When I get home I’ll at least call my brother and let him know I’m okay. He won’t tell Ma. He knows if she finds out all I will hear is “I told you so.” I am so not in the mood for that.
“Knock knock… Zenobia?” Nurse Shannon called as she entered my room.
“Oh, hey. Any word yet?”
“That’s what I came to tell you. I just finished talking with Dr. Randolph. He apologizes for not being able to tell you himself. He got called away on another emergency. You know how it is.”
“Yeah, he’s very busy. What did he say?”
“Well, it looks like you’ll be leaving us. He wasn’t too excited about how you’d be leaving, but he understands that you need to be careful. But you do have to promise me one thing?”
“What’s that?”
“As soon as you get home and get settled, call us back and let us know you’re okay. Deal?”
“Deal. I can do that.”
“Good! Now I have a few prescriptions for you. Dr. Randolph signed for some more pain meds.”
“I don’t like how they make me feel.”
“I know, but we don’t want you to be too uncomfortable. Once you get home and settled you can decide if you need to keep taking them. If you’re feeling okay, then don’t. It’s just a little something to help that’s all.”
“Okay, I hope I don’t need them.”
“Now, you can expect to still have some bleeding and a little spotting for the next week or so. We strongly recommend that you don’t use tampons. Use protective pads instead to keep down the risk of infection. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“The last thing,” Shannon said as she moved closer to the bed.
“I know this has been really hard on you. We all do. Here’s a number for Dr. Jenkins. She’s a counselor…just in case you need somebody to talk to.”
“I appreciate that. You guys have been so good to me. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, dear. Here are your discharge papers. Do I need to call the cab for you?”
“Yeah that would be great.”
“Will do. I’ll call and come back for you in about 20 minutes.”
“Thanks again.”
20 minutes…20 minutes to the start of my new life…I have been in this bed so long it’s hard to get up. I’m ready though, I have to be. Oh I almost forgot. Let me call Gina. I need to let her know I’m on my way. Come on Gina, answer the phone. Damn… answering machine.
“Hey Gina, it’s me. I’ll be leaving here in a few minutes. Talk to ya later.”
I hope she gets the message. I need for this to go as smoothly as possible. Now to get dressed...
“It’s me again,” Nurse Shannon said returning to the room.
“A wheelchair? Really?”
“Hospital rules…you don’t have a choice, so climb on in.”
“Oh my God! How embarrassing!”
“Just think of me as your personal chauffeur!”
Why am I so nervous? My stomach is doing cartwheels. I wish they were baby kicks…
“Here’s the cab…right on time.” Nurse Shannon helped me out of the wheelchair and gave me a big hug which was rather unexpected.
“You take care of yourself, you hear me?” She squeezed my hand tightly as she whispered in my ear.