Chapter Eight:
Remembering
I absently slapped the bound sheaf of papers against my leg as I strode toward Deling Garden's entry and away from the Ground Transport. Sorry, Sally. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world for missing our workout sessions that week, especially with all the crap happening with the GF summon and the radicals, but I had a job to do. I knew Sally understood that, but I also knew it didn't make it better. I missed her.
I released a deep breath and scrubbed at my scalp. Zell, you dog. You've got a wife. Well, almost. We were working on it, at least. I just never thought it'd happen. I smirked as I remembered the look on Sally's face when I'd proposed at her birthday party. I'd have that look burned into my brain for years. I chuckled. Well, until our wedding night. And that had me grinning.
Dincht! I cleared my throat and tried to keep thoughts away from Sally and pale-pink lace teddies... Down boy! I cleared my throat again and focused on the silver hunk of trouble that was Deling Garden moments before stepping toward the entry gates. I presented my ID, signed in, and accepted the 'On-Duty SeeD' visitor's pass to clip it onto my SeeD jacket. I wonder if the bars on this thing will keep the asses away. They sure as hell impressed Sally every time I wore the blasted thing. And I wasn't saying I didn't think I could handle every discipline case at Deling Garden, either. They weren't there for trying to take over the world. They were there for being hard-nosed idiots that didn't recognize the chain of command. I gave a shrug and stepped past the entry gates to make my way to Jaxon's office.
There were fewer in line for the registrar's office this time, but it was still more than I would've liked to see. I scowled and moved on. It doesn't do any good to wonder why they've got their heads up their ass. And I knew the Instructors at Deling did their best to give the 'misfits' a reason to straighten up. It was just whether or not they decided to actually do it. I'd talked to Squall about it once, and he'd said pretty much what I had when the goons had faced me and Sally down. 'They've got to make their own choices. We can only give them the ones to choose from.' I just wondered what the hell was making them fight against what was obviously the better choice all the way around.
SeeD life was hard, but it was a helluva lot better than no life at all.
I shook my head and entered the security office, giving a "'Sup?" to those few faces I recognized before making my way to Jaxon's office. I gave a knock and entered to find him sitting back in his office chair, kinda slouched actually, and staring vacantly out the small window that was more a 'porthole' than 'window'. Unfortunately, I knew that look. Seen it too many times on a SeeDs face after returning from battle.
I stepped up to, and dropped the bound sheaf of papers onto, his desk to make a somewhat loud splut. Jaxon didn't twitch or even blink. Never a good sign. "Yo, Jax." I leaned forward and loudly snapped my fingers several times.
Realization returned and he very slowly blinked before turning his head to face me. He sat up. "Hey, Dincht. What are you doing here?"
I stepped to his office door, closed it, and then returned to sit in one of the chairs across from his desk. "First thing, I wanted to ask if you'd be Best Man. I'd ask Squall, only he's doing the ceremony."
Jaxon cleared his throat and said, "Well..." as he lowered his focus to the sheaf of papers. He lifted an eyebrow. "What's this?"
I grinned. "That, Jax, is your ticket out of here."
He read the title and looked up. "You're kidding. A SeeD Security Entrance Exam?" He scowled and pushed it away. "I've taken this already. Passed with the highest--"
"Not that one," I interrupted, and I couldn't hold back the smirk as I pointed toward the exam. "That's been dubbed the 'Exam from Hell'. You pass that and Seifer'll recommend you for a promotion. Maybe even put you in his Special Security section just under Ahndra."
Jaxon continued to scowl down at the exam. "I thought Cmdr. Leonhart approved transfers."
Flags went up in my head. "He does, but Seifer's H.O.S. for the Network. He makes the recommendations for acceptance and placement." And if it wasn't for the flags, I would have smirked at how much I sounded like Sally.
Jaxon picked up the exam and tossed it into the wastebasket. "No thanks."
"'No thanks'?" I repeated, and the look of shock on my face would have had Sally laughing. "What the hell are you talking about, 'no thanks'?"
Jaxon crossed his arms, scowling deeper as he moved his focus to stare out the same little window. "Sorry for the wasted trip, Dincht. Say 'hi' to Sally."
"Tch! You've been trying to get out of this 'hellhole' for six months. Now you're just going to blow it off like that? With a 'no thanks' and a 'say hi to Sally'? Like hell." I leaned forward. "What the hell's the matter with you?"
Jaxon stood roughly and strode to his office door. "You don't want to know, and I'd rather not remember." He jerked it open. "Again, sorry for the wasted trip."
I watched him as I absently thudded my thumb against the arm of the chair. 'I'd rather not remember.' ... 'Just doing what I can to get by.' I stood and made my way to the door. "Walk me out." I ordered as I passed, and I felt like shit for pulling rank.
Jaxon clenched his jaw and then slammed closed the door before following behind. When we cleared the front gates, Jaxon saluted with a sneered "Here you are, sir. Anything else for you, sir?"
"Cut the shit, Jax."
Jaxon ended the salute and barked, "Go to hell," before turning and striding back toward the entry gates.
"So who're you trying to forget?" I called after him. He halted. "And why shouldn't I report you to Seifer for disobeying standard regulations on junctioning?"
Jaxon turned and strode up to me, grabbing me by the shirt and nearly lifting me off my feet. "He can shove those regulations up his ass," he hissed.
I held his gaze, very well aware that with him junctioned he could likely beat the shit out of me, and asked, "So who was she?" When Jaxon flinched, I knew I was right on.
He shoved me away with another, "Go to hell."
I quickly recovered. "Been there," I told him as I straightened. "Watched a lot of good SeeDs get blasted to bits. Lost a lot of friends, too."
"When you lose Sally," he snapped, "then you can come and talk to me about junctioning and regulations. Until then, my answer's the same: go to hell."
"Trabia?"
Jaxon's entire face changed at that one word. He actually went yellow and green.
I released a quick breath and scrubbed at the back of my neck. Then I grabbed Jaxon by the arm and practically dragged him toward the nearby exam qualifier: the Tomb of the Unknown King. His steps were sluggish and unresponsive, which made me know beyond a shadow of the doubt that the GF wasn't working as well as he wanted it to.
We were about to enter the tomb when he came to his senses and jerked his arm free. "What the hell are we doing here?"
I turned on him. "We're going to beat some shit up, that's what we're doing. You want to forget? You're willing to risk SeeDs lives to do it? Fine. Summon your GF until you’re blue in the face. Screw your brains and memories to hell. At least she'll finally be dead." And if it had been me, I would have beat the shit out of me for that crack.
But Jaxon only looked as if he'd been shot in the gut. Then he lifted his hands. "She died right here. Right in these hands and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. The missiles just kept coming. The blasts ringing in my ears and the bodies being thrown around like dolls. Blood and brains every--" His voice choked off, and he fisted his hands again and squeezed his eyes shut tight. One tear ran down his cheek before he opened his eyes and focused on me. "If Sally died in your arms while whispering your name, would you put back the way to escape? Would you, Zell? Or would you welcome the damn fog each and every day you wake up, so that you could be free of that one thing?"
"I'd probably do the same stupid-ass thing," I admitted, "all the while hoping someone would step up and help me out of hell." I motioned to him. "Sure," I went o
n, "it makes the pain go away a little bit, but it never goes all away. It's always waiting for the right question. The right look. The right place. Then they all come flooding back. You think your lady wants you wasting your life? Skating by instead of living the life she gave hers for? Hell no, Jax, and you know it."
Jaxon lowered his gaze and fisted his hands.
"We all know what it's like, Jax. Squall, Quis, Seifer--all of us. And we've all faced the same question. But what the hell does it prove? Nothing."
"Like hell," Jaxon said in a low voice. "It gets me out of my head. It gets me out of the same damned picture--"
"And then what? Hm? Then she's dead, and you're the one that killed her this time."
Jaxon slugged me across the mouth, hitting me so hard that I actually saw stars.
I spat out the mouth full of blood and straightened to face him again. "Okay. Get pissed. Get mad as hell, just don't forget who she was. What she lived for. What she gave her life for. You do and it's like she never existed. You want that for her?"
Jaxon looked as if he was about to puke right then and there. "I can't," he choked out.
I jabbed a finger in my chest. "Then where do you get off hitting me? If you love her so damn much, show it! Don't shove her memory in a hole!"
He grabbed my jacket and, by the look in his eyes, I thought he was going to kill me. "Shut up, damn it! Shut the hell up!"
"Or what? You'll summon your GF so you can hide some more?" He didn't say anything, so I freed my jacket from his gasp. "Come on, Jax. Don't do this. If you keep on, you're gonna lose it and Garden will be out a damn good SeeD. And what will that get you? Nothing but a padded room and worse memories when the effects of the GF wear off after they take it from you."
Jaxon rubbed both hands through his hair, roughly scratching at his scalp. "...damn it."
"Promise to clean yourself up, Jax, and I won't report you. You've got until the wedding, and I want you there GF free. If you're not? I can't help you."
He released a long and deep breath as he nodded his head and said, "Okay," in a voice that sounded as if I'd beaten the hell out of him. He sounded completely broken. And that made me feel like a damn prick. I mean, how the hell did I know what he was going through? I had Sally, and I was doing my best to keep her out of harm’s way.
Jaxon met my gaze, and what he said next blew me away. "Thank you, Zell. Believe it or not, I appreciate it."
"No prob, Jax." I gripped his shoulder and forced a grin. "You punch me like that again and you'll be in the Infirmary for a week."
"I'll try to remember that... Sir."
My grin became more real and I shoved him back toward Garden. "Come on. There's an exam with your name on it in the wastebasket. I skipped out on classes today so that I could bring it back with me."
"I appreciate that, too." He sent me a sidelong glance. "Zell, I don't know if I can handle 'Best Man'. Elle... She was my fiancée."
The grin vanished as I met his gaze. "Damn, Jax. I'm sorry." It explained a lot. "Well, sure, I guess if you can't do it." I scrubbed at the back of my neck. "Geez. Marshal can't because he's on security. Irvine's tending bar. Squall's doing the ceremony. Zack won't give me a straight answer. He's been married three times already," I sent as an aside to Jaxon. “Or was it two?”
Jaxon blinked and then smirked. "And I thought I was the 'one date wonder'."
I grinned, but it faded as I went back to the list in my head. "Seifer--Yeah right. Zone's out of the question--too bad, too--and I can't ask Sally's pop because he's giving away the bride. I guess I could ask Laguna."
"The President of Esthar?"
"Yeah, but he's so busy." I grinned again. "Sorry, dude. It's you, or Sally and I have to elope." Hey. I wouldn't mind.
"Then I guess it's me."
I snapped my fingers. "Damn."
Jaxon laughed, and it sounded real. I gave him a slug on the arm, which he returned, and then I released an unnoticed deep breath. Sally would've been proud of me.