Daniela texted back and said the two of us should meet up when I was done. I agreed, grabbed my books, and headed to Wheatley Library.
Once I got to the library, I had a hard time focusing. It was emptier than usual, and the people that were there were mostly chatting first and studying second. There was too much swirling through my head. I stared at my psych textbook rereading the same paragraph over and over. I needed to know this material soon or I would fail my midterm. Dammit this is all because of Hunter. Frustrated, I tried focusing on just the pictures and diagrams, but nothing stuck.
I took a break and stared out the window at the student union. Why did I think that being just friends with Hunter would work out? I’d been warned multiple times by Daniela to be careful and not fall for him. I’d ignored her warnings, and here I was, trying to study in the library on a Friday night so I didn’t fail my midterms.
Looking down at my notebook, I saw the only words I had written were “Psych Notes” at the top of the page. This was hopeless. I texted Daniela to ask if she wanted to watch some Grey’s Anatomy together. She responded with an enthusiastic message: Hell yeah :). I packed up my stuff and headed back to my dorm.
Chapter Seventeen
SPECIAL
A few days passed without word from Hunter. I was beginning to wonder if I had made a mistake by suggesting we stay away from each other. Was this the end of our friendship?
Still, those damn dreams of kissing his lips didn’t stop, if anything, they only intensified with his absence. I’d tried taking Benadryl hoping for a dreamless slumber, but it ended up twisting the dream, turning a kiss into some bizarre situation where Hunter was bottle-feeding me across his lap like a little kitten while stroking my sex at the same time. When I woke up, I immediately tossed that bottle of Benadryl into the garbage. We’d been talking about Freud and the interpretation of dreams in psych class the other day and I shuddered to think what that dream had meant.
Finally, Saturday evening arrived. Daniela decided to forego partying in favor of studying for midterms and I didn’t feel like doing anything either so I decided on enjoying a quiet night in my dorm room.
My phone alarm chimed, notifying me I had to go feed the kittens soon. I hated the idea of having to go over to Hunter’s apartment. The thought of seeing him again pissed me off. After debating it over in my mind and considering other options, I decided I was going to go over a little earlier to feed the kittens, hoping it would give me a greater chance of avoiding him in case he decided to come back from the gym early to catch me still at his place. Those poor little creatures didn’t deserve being caught in the crossfire of whatever was happening between Hunter and me.
I put my jacket on and walked over to Hunter’s place.
As soon as I opened the door, I heard adorable high-pitched mews coming from the kitchen. I walked inside, took off my snow boots, and hung my coat on the hanger beside the door.
“Where’s my little kitties?” I said in my best babying voice.
The mews grew louder in response and I heard tiny paws scurrying across the tile to the pet barrier. I could distinctly hear Taylor’s sweet—but loud—voice above the others. As much as I didn’t want to play favorites, if some sick person put a gun to my head and asked me to choose my favorite kitten of the litter, I’d have to say it was Taylor.
“There’s my kitties!” I exclaimed.
“Lorrie?”
I paused. Kittens aren’t supposed to know English, let alone speak it, I thought. Grasping the situation, I turned and saw Hunter on the other side of the kitchen counter with a towel around his waist and damp hair. His bare muscular torso snapped me to attention and a heated ache moved through me.
“Hunter!” Recovering from surprise, my mood immediately turned sour. “I thought you’d be at the gym.”
“I was,” he said evenly as he dried his hair with a second, smaller towel. “I went earlier today so I could have more time to relax in the evening. What are you doing here so early?” Although his question indicated otherwise, his tone seemed like he’d anticipated I’d be coming early.
Dammit, he outsmarted me.
It was apparent Hunter had altered his clockwork routine because he wanted to talk about the recent drama between us. Unfortunately, I was too pissed at him to want to do the same. I put my hands on my hips. “Oh. Well, I’ve got plans later so I came earlier to feed the babies and give them some attention. Once I’m done here, I’m out.”
He ran a hand through his dark hair, pushing wet strands away from his forehead. “You need help?” he said, lacking his usual enthusiasm. “I’ll feed the boys and you feed the girls?”
I was about to decline his help but then a kitten began gently grazing my leg with his paws. I turned to identify the rascal and saw it was Rampage—Hunter’s favorite kitten. A petty thought ran through my head and I couldn’t resist. “Oh look who it is! Rampage wants me to feed him. I think he likes me better,” I said smugly.
Hunter was visibly taken aback. “What?” he grunted. Hunter came over to my side, kneeled down, and began petting Rampage. “C’mon Rampage, I’ll feed you.”
Rampage closed his eyes and tilted his ears down enjoying the pets against his back but he didn’t stop kneading my jeans.
Stooping to pet Rampage on the head, I eyed Hunter. “You might play with Rampage a lot and give him affection but the little guy wants my affection too.”
Hunter narrowed his eyes. “He’s a naive kitten. He probably just likes that peachy perfume you always wear.”
“What are you talking about? I’m not wearing any perfume.”
He grumbled. “Or lotion, or shampoo. Whatever it is you always wear.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”
Hunter’s attention diverted to something at his side. “Oh, who is this?” he said smugly.
Glancing over and seeing Taylor pawing at Hunter’s leg, I became further irritated. “Taylor, come here, let me feed you,” I commanded. I tried coaxing her over by tapping the floor with my hand and calling her name but she remained fixed on Hunter.
Hunter looked at me and grinned wickedly. “She can’t resist,” he said pleased with himself. “Looks like Taylor likes me better.”
“Whatever,” I snapped. “You just got out of the shower so she’s probably just trying to mark you with her scent.”
“Whatever.”
We spent the next twenty minutes sitting on the kitchen floor bottle-feeding the kittens over our laps and burping them in awkward silence. I ended up feeding Rampage and Hunter ended up feeding Taylor. I tried avoiding eye contact with Hunter and I could tell he was trying to do the same but somehow we always managed to check on one another at the exact same time, making brief, incredibly awkward eye contact. When the awkwardness became too much to bear, I decided to speak up.
“Hunter—”
“Lorrie, we need to talk.”
I waited a beat before responding. “Yeah,” I said, gently taking a drowsy Georgia off my lap and placing her in the cat bed next to the other four sleeping kittens.
“We’re both upset with one another.” Hunter put a tired Bones in the bed next to Georgia who was already falling into dream land.
We both stood up and faced one another. I folded my arms across my chest. “Yes, we are.”
He puffed air from his lungs and ran hand through his hair. “Look, it’s not easy for me to say this . . .”
I watched him carefully, wondering if this was the going to be the end of our friendship.
“I like you Lorrie. I really do. You make me laugh, I like hanging out with you. You’re strong and you call me out on my shit. I feel good when I’m around you . . .”
I took a second to digest all the positive words, nodding slowly in acknowledgement. “But . . .?”
“But—” He locked his gaze with mine and I could see his expression had changed from irritated to pained. “—I have feelings for you, Lorrie. Feelings beyond friendship.”
; I remained silent.
“You knew that I was attracted to you before we even became friends. But that was a while ago, when we were just getting to know one another. You were this beautiful, quirky girl that fell into my life—literally, you fell into a lake and I saved you—and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since. I have real feelings for you now, Lorrie. Strong ones.”
My chest tightened at the raw intensity of his gaze and voice. Hunter was baring himself to me in a way he never had before and the anger I had held since stepping into the apartment began to disappear.
“I’m not even sure I want these feelings for you because now you have the ability to hurt me. And you did. You pushed me away. You’re not like other girls to me, Lorrie. I can’t just shake it off or ignore it.”
Hunter’s passionate words and the pain in his voice touched me deeply. I could feel my emotional walls cracking. He was a badass and a goofball but right now he was a hurt little boy. And it was all because of me.
I hurt him.
My eyes began to prickle and my throat started constricting. I briefly glanced away to compose myself before looking at him directly. “I’m really sorry that I hurt you, Hunter,” I said trying to control the shakiness in my voice. “But what did you expect? Did you think I was going to be your girlfriend because you gave me flowers and a box of chocolates?” I stumbled over the pet barrier and headed toward the door, hoping I’d make it there before the inevitable tears came.
As I slipped my foot into one boot, he caught me by the shoulder and spun me around to meet his forceful gaze. “I know you have feelings for me, Lorrie! Don’t push me away.”
“I can’t do this, Hunter!” I exclaimed, trying desperately to be strong, to resist him when I knew I didn’t want to. “You’re sweet, but I just can’t do this . . .”
“What do you have against us? Haven’t you known me long enough now to trust me? We can take it slow. Lorrie . . .”
“Hunter.” I released a shaky breath, preparing to end this discussion before it went too far—before either of us let our emotions get the best of our composure. “I like you,” I admitted. “I really do. You’re this lovable goofball that also happens to be a badass MMA fighter. Or maybe it’s the other way around, I don’t know. You’re almost too good to be true . . .” I paused to swallow a lump scratching at my throat.
“Then what is it, Lorrie? Please, tell me.” His eyes began to glisten. It was something I’d never seen before, not even after witnessing him get punched in the face. Seeing his vulnerability emboldened me to continue.
“I have feelings for you beyond friendship as well, Hunter. And that’s the problem. That’s what I’m scared of. You can hurt me. Whatever you’re going through now, I don’t want to experience that.”
His jaw tightened but his tone remained controlled. “Dammit, that’s selfish—I put myself out there and you can hurt me while keeping yourself defended.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. As difficult as it was, I persisted in meeting his gaze. “It’s self-preservation, Hunter. It’s just like you using girls for blow jobs. As much as I care about you—and I do care about you probably more than I’m willing to admit—I have to take care of myself first. I know it’s fucked up, Hunter. I know it’s bad and it makes me a terrible person. But guess what? I am fucked up. I’m a fucked up girl who can’t get her life right. I already told you my parents are divorced and dead . . . I’m fighting just to feel normal.” Tears began streaming down my cheeks and I hurriedly wiped them away with my hand. My lips began to quiver and my throat started constricting but I forced myself to continue.
His gaze softened. “Lorrie . . .”
“I can’t lose, Hunter! This isn’t like one of your fights where if you lose, you can get back up again and fight another day, fight another opponent. If I lose this fight, I may not ever get back up again. I’m going to be dead. If not completely then at least on the inside, which isn’t much better. And it’s always the same damn opponent! It’s like I’m fighting to roll this gigantic boulder up a hill every day, hoping to god that it doesn’t crush me.”
Hunter’s lips tightened as if he wanted to say something but was holding back to let me finish.
Blinking away tears, I swallowed another lump in my throat. “I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it sounds like I’m just being a quitter, that I don’t have that eye-of-the-tiger never-give-up attitude that you might have, but real life isn’t the movies. There’s no Rocky montage for overcoming obstacles in life. Not for me. Or anyone else. I’ve seen the best fail, I’ve seen my own dad lose after fighting so hard, struggling for so long. Can’t you see, Hunter? It’s not that I don’t want to get hurt. It’s that I can’t. If I do, it’s over. It’s all over for me.” I started to feel a familiar numbness creeping into my chest again. It was my body’s way of protecting me from intolerable pain.
Hunter stared passionately into my eyes even as the tears rolling down both our cheeks threatened to distance us. “Then let’s stop hurting each other! You make me feel alive and I make you feel alive. Let’s save each other.”
I cupped my hand over my mouth to stifle an unexpected laugh, choking back sobs in the process. “You’re too sweet, Hunter. Really, you are. I don’t deserve you as a friend. As much as I want to believe it, you can’t save me, Hunter. Deep down we’re both fucked up selfish kids just trying to make it to the next day. We both know that. All we can do is try to survive on our own.”
I tried turning my head away but he gently placed his hand against my cheek and returned my gaze to his. The comforting warmth of his palm heated my face as he wiped tears away with his thumb. His gaze was intensely tender. “I don’t care how selfish we are because I know we can be selfless too! I’ve seen your kindness. You care about others. You care about me. You’re just drowning right now, Lorrie. I saved you once, I can do it again.”
“We’re both drowning, Hunter,” I sobbed, trying to push him away but he held me tightly. “I’m flailing like an idiot and I’m just going to pull you down with me! We’re both going to drown, can’t you see that? I can’t do that to you, Hunter . . .”
He tilted his forehead to rest against mine, his eyes squeezed shut. Wet droplets fell softly from his face onto my cheeks. He tenderly kissed the tip of my nose. “I won’t let it happen. I’m gonna save us both. But I can’t do it by myself. I need you with me, Lorrie. I need you to give us both strength.” His voice was pained and he spoke with his lips inches from mine.
“Hunter. . .” His hands slid down to grip my waist, ensuring I wouldn’t leave him. Trembling, I briefly touched my lips against his to feel something. To feel him here, with me. To make sure I wasn’t imagining it. That I wasn’t alone this time. “I’ve already hurt you, I could do it again. I could hurt you beyond what you can handle, you’re not invincible, Hunter. And you could do the same to me. We could be the death of one another.”
He kissed my lips back, letting me know he was here. “I know how much you care about me, Lorrie. We all make mistakes. You’re here with me now, that’s all that matters.”
He wrapped his arms around me and I fell into his embrace. All thoughts of struggling flew from my mind as I buried my face into his bare chest and cried. Feeling the heat of his skin and smelling his fresh masculine scent, I did what I wanted to do the moment I first saw him half-naked in this apartment: I kissed the soft skin of his hard pecs. I kissed him again and again, the word “sorry” tumbling from my lips repeatedly, uncontrollably.
He cupped my face with his hands and his lips collided with mine. He kissed me, his tongue running gently over my lips at first then over my tongue melting away my anxiety. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed, our hips pressing tightly together. Suddenly, Hunter dipped and lifted me into the air with strong arms, our mouths never breaking contact. I faintly registered movement then heard the sound of a door being kicked open. A moment later, my back settled against soft sheets.
Hunter moved his lips from my m
outh to my cheek, following along the trail of tears, softly pecking away the damp traces. A fresh wave of tears flowed and he diligently kissed each one, never letting them fall to the bed.
I gazed at his beautiful face hovering above me. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes as well. “Hunter,” I said softly, another wave of tears forming. “Don’t leave me alone, tonight.”
“Lorrie, we’re going to be together tonight. And tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. We’re going to work things out together.”
He carefully unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them off me with my help. He kissed me tenderly then moved lower, planting his lips on the skin of my neck down to my stomach, removing layers of my clothing in between passionate kisses. Soon I was left only in my bra and panties. I exhaled a shaky breath as I watched him look me up and down like he did the first time I came out from his shower dressed in his clothes. Back then his gaze had made me uncomfortable, but now his fiercely tender gaze made feel desirable.
“You’re so beautiful, Lorrie.”
I admired his dazzling bare torso through blurry eyes. Passionate kisses and tender caresses had quelled the tears for both of us. We pressed our heated bodies together as if we needed to. “You too, Hunter.”
“I have to kiss you again. I have to feel you, Lorrie.”
“I don’t want to fight it anymore, Hunter,” I breathed. “I want you. Kiss me.”
“Oh Lorrie.” He leaned down, crushing my body deliciously with his weight and crushing my lips with his.
I opened my mouth and his tongue slipped inside. He gave long, leisurely licks even as I grabbed at his damp hair and pulled him greedily into me. Our tongues tangled and wrestled, leaving both of us gasping for air. I closed my eyes as Hunter unhooked my bra and sealed his mouth over a breast, continuing his leisurely licks against the hardened tip.