“And you’re just calling me now about it? What did you do when you got it?”
I sat up in my bed. “I’m sorry. After I saw the letter, I was so shocked . . . it . . . brought back everything I’ve been feeling since Mom died. I thought I was starting to do better but now I don’t know . . .”
There was a long pause on the line until my aunt broke it. “How are your classes going?” she asked, concern heavy in her tone.
“They were going okay before I got the letter,” I answered truthfully. “Now I’m not so sure.”
“Is it exams time?”
“Kind of,” I said, grimacing.
“Lorrie, I’ve seen you do this before. You need to come home.”
“No! I’m not going to let him win again. Not this easily.”
“Lorrie,” my aunt said delicately. “It’s not about winning and losing. It’s about surviving. Remember how you wandered off into the woods after hearing the news about your father? Uncle Stewart and I were worried sick.”
I’d told them I needed to take a walk after getting the news about my dad’s passing. My walk had turned into a several hour ordeal after I got lost in the woods behind their house. Uncle Stewart eventually came looking for me; they had never said it, but I was pretty sure they thought I’d gone the same route my dad did.
“I know, Aunt Caroline, but I have to take some time to see if I can figure this out. I’m not going to forgive myself if I run away unless I absolutely have to.”
“Lorrie, I’m not asking,” she said, her voice turning hard. “I’m sending Uncle Stewart to pick you up tomorrow.”
My stomach soured. “What? You can’t make me come home!”
“Then I’ll come with him so we can at least keep our eyes on you. I’m worried sick, and I know Uncle Stewart will be too the instant I tell him what happened.”
“No, you don’t have to do that!” I said hastily. “I’m fine! Just give me a couple days. I promise I’ll keep you in the loop.”
“We need to at least see you, Lorrie,” Aunt Caroline pleaded. “And I’m going to have a very hard time leaving you there unless I feel one-hundred percent certain that you really are fine.”
“Okay, okay. Maybe I can take the bus back to Indiana for a few days.”
There was silence on the line as my aunt was thinking. “Is there a bus available tomorrow?” she asked tentatively.
I stood up and went to my desk. “Let me check.”
Once I was at my desk, I did a search for the buses leaving for Indiana the next day. My aunt waited on the line.
“Yeah,” I said, “looks like there’s one for nine a.m. tomorrow.”
“Okay, dear. Buy that ticket and I’ll give you the money when you get home. If you don’t get on that bus, I’m sending Uncle Stewart to pick you up on Monday.”
“You won’t have to do that,” I said.
“Good . . . Is everything else going okay? What’s going on with that boy I met with all the tattoos? Hector?”
“Hunter,” I said, a small laugh escaping my lips despite the tear rolling down my cheek. “We’re actually dating now. Since last week.”
“Oh! That’s exciting,” she said, apparently trying to change the depressing tone of the conversation to a brighter one. “I’m glad you two finally shared your feelings for each other.”
“Me too,” I said, a smile on my face for the first time in what felt like forever.
“What does he have to say about this letter?”
My smile turned to a frown. “I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I think I will later today.”
“Okay. Well I’m going to get up and start on breakfast for the boys before their soccer practice.”
I grimaced. She was going to be a nervous wreck until I decided to go home. “Okay. Bye Aunt Caroline.”
“Goodbye dear.”
I ended the call and stared out the window. How long was I going to stay in Indiana? I really needed to talk to Hunter and fill him in on everything that had happened. This had quickly become a situation we needed to work through together. Where the hell was he?
I was a little worried about our relationship. We’d confessed our love for each other on Friday, and I knew I still felt that way about him. Hopefully his feelings hadn’t changed either. Still, not being able to get in touch with him when I really needed to made me uneasy. Could I count on him to be my anchor through thick and thin?
I bit my lip, suddenly feeling more uncertain than ever. It upset me that a rough patch had come so early in our relationship, but it had, and he wasn’t off to a good start in helping me through it. He hadn’t answered my texts for days. What would make you ignore someone you love for days? Could anything? Did he really love me?
I looked at my phone again and sighed. Five in the morning was too early to call, but I needed to talk to him today. After setting an alarm for eight o’clock, I rolled over and tried to fall asleep. My plan was to go down to breakfast and get some food in my system, then talk to Daniela and Hunter.
I had to get this situation figured out soon.
Chapter Twenty-three
MISSING
This time, when my alarm rang I turned it off and sat up in bed. Throwing my sheets aside and getting out was literally painful. My legs felt like jelly after surviving on granola bars for a few days. Once I walked around and stretched for a minute, I changed into some new pajamas and went down to the Floyd Hall dining room for Saturday morning breakfast. I loaded up on carbs like I was about to run a marathon: two bagels with cream cheese, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, melon, and blueberry pancakes drowned in syrup. After cleaning my plate, I walked back to my suite, hoping a hot shower would help me feel slightly more normal. I opened the door to my suite and nearly bumped into Daniela.
“Hey!” she said brightly, her hair a bed head mess. “Did you go to the health center? You look a lot better.”
I shook my head. “No, I was just down at breakfast.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you come get me? I would have gone down with you.”
I shifted back and forth on my feet. Now was as good a time as any to talk to her about it. “I just . . . we should talk.”
Her face scrunched up in worry. “Is something wrong?”
“No. Not with you, I mean. Let’s go to my room.”
We walked over to my room and sat down on my bed. Once we were settled, I took a deep breath and started. “I wasn’t really sick the past few days.”
“Really? I saw you though. You looked white as a ghost.”
“I didn’t feel good, but I wasn’t really sick.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I’m confused.”
I pressed my lips together. It was so hard to talk about something that upset me so much, even to my best friend. “My stepfather sent me a letter a few days ago,” I said, choking on the last couple words. Tears were welling up in my eyes again.
Daniela watched me blankly for several seconds before realization appeared to click in and her jaw dropped. “Oh my god, you mean the one in jail?”
“I don’t have any others.”
She shook her head, bug-eyed. “But how? Is he allowed to do that?”
I thought of my aunt’s anger when I had told her about the letter earlier that morning. “I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. It happened.”
She nodded. “What did it say?”
I told her about the letter and cried into her shoulder. Why did this have to happen now?
After I’d calmed down I told her about my conversation with my aunt. Daniela listened attentively, her face wrinkled in thought.
“Guess this came at a bad time with exams and stuff,” she said when I was done.
I scoffed. “That’s an understatement.”
“You looked like you were feeling awful during that psych exam.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I just filled in bubbles on the answer sheet. My brain was so foggy I couldn’t even understand the questions.”
“Oh wow,
I’m so sorry, Lorrie.”
“It’s okay.” I tried to smile reassuringly but my mouth barely responded. “Not your fault, obviously.”
We sat in silence for a couple minutes. Then Daniela’s eyes widened as if she’d had a realization. “I don’t mean to pry Lorrie . . . but did your therapist ever mention you might have PTSD?”
I thought back. “Yeah . . . It was one of the first things she said, actually.”
“I guess having it doesn’t help you take an exam about it, right?” She smiled uncertainly. I knew she was trying to cheer me up and I felt better knowing she cared.
I forced a small smile and shook my head. Leave it to Daniela to do some amateur diagnosis. “Whatever is going on with me, it didn’t help on that test.”
She watched me for a second then her head dropped back down.“So what are you going to do now?” she asked quietly.
I tapped my nervous fingers on my legs. My small dorm room began to have the same oppressive feeling the courtroom had.
“I don’t know,” I said. “My aunt wants me to go back to Indiana tomorrow for at least a couple days. ”
“Do you want to go home?”
I pursed my lips. “Yeah, at least for a couple days. I think it’ll help me get my head straight.”
“Fair enough. What does Hunter think about all this?”
My face felt hot. It was embarrassing that I didn’t know the answer to that question. “I haven’t heard from him since I got the letter, actually. I texted him last night before bed but he hasn’t responded.”
“That’s weird,” she mused. “Did you guys have a fight or something?”
I shrugged, feeling even more bewildered now that I was talking about it out loud. “Nope.”
She bit her lip. “Huh. I have to say, that is pretty strange. When are you going to talk to him?”
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I was going to take a shower then give him a call and see if I can go over there or something.”
“What are you going to say? I mean, are you thinking you want to try and stay here? Go back to Indiana? Am I going to see you anymore?”
Her questions were making me feel overwhelmed. “I don’t know,” I said, my voice breaking. “I love Hunter and I want things to work out, but I don’t know how we can do that.”
Daniela’s eyebrows shot up. “Have you told Hunter that you love him?”
“Yeah, that night of the party.”
“And he loves you?”
“That’s what he said,” I rasped, trying to stop from crying. “But I don’t know why he hasn’t contacted me in days. This decision is going to drastically change things for us and I can’t even get ahold of him. He’s letting me down.”
She grimaced. “You didn’t text him before last night, right? Maybe he’ll respond soon.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“I say give it some time,” she said with a shrug. “Once you do talk to him, if you really love each other then you’ll find a way to make it work.”
I took a deep breath, thankful for my friend’s level-headedness. “Thanks Daniela.”
“I guess what you have to decide is whether you’re staying or going. Everything depends on that.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll definitely keep you in the loop.”
“Thanks,” my friend said. “Let me know if I can do anything, okay?”
I smiled at Daniela as she stood up and walked out of my room.
After she left, I sat and stared out my window. Was there some way Hunter and I could stay together? I sent another text asking where he was. After waiting a minute to see if he would respond, I grew impatient and went to take a shower in the suite bathroom. The sensation of the warm water hitting my shoulders and chest helped me feel a little closer to normal. After a few days of being alone in bed with my thoughts, I was looking forward to just being around other people again.
When I got back to my room the first thing I did was check my phone. Still no response from Hunter. This was getting weird.
I stared at my phone, deciding whether to call. Screw it,I thought. Even if he was being a jerk by not responding to texts, I still needed to talk to him. I found his number and put the phone to my ear. The phone rang a few times—which meant it wasn’t off—and went to voicemail. I left a message asking where he was and threw the phone on my bed.
An idea dawned on me as I looked at the keys sitting on my dresser. I could go over there to see if Hunter was there. Seeing the kittens might also make me feel better.
I grabbed my keys, put on my coat, and left. Part of me hoped he would be at his apartment. Part of me had a bad feeling about his reason for not picking up the phone.
Hunter wasn’t at his apartment. As I kicked off my boots and hung up my coat, I heard the kittens eagerly mewling, excited to have a new friend to play with. All six of them came running to me as I walked into the kitchen. As I gave them loving pets, I noticed dirty dishes filled the sink. Judging by the brown line ringing around one of the pots, it looked like the sink had been filled up with water and left to sit for days.
Had he not been home for a while? Afraid that the kittens hadn’t been fed, I looked to their food and water bowls and was relieved to see they were reasonably full. Even if it wasn’t Hunter, someone had been in the apartment within the last few hours, because the kittens went through food and water like locusts.
The more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed that it hadn’t been Hunter who fed them. Life got crazy for everyone sometimes, but things would have to be pretty hectic for a clean freak like him to ignore his dishes for days. My guess was he hadn’t been home.
At the same time, it was hard to imagine why he would be sleeping somewhere else. Was he hurt? Sick? The more I thought about it, the less sense it made.
Then an ugly thought flashed through my mind: there was no way he was cheating, right?
I shook my head and brushed it aside, afraid to even consider the idea. After writing a note on the fridge’s whiteboard asking him to call as soon as possible, I left his apartment and walked over to Huck Cafe. I had just spent several days alone. Being around people sounded a lot better than going back to my dorm room and staring at the wall.
I got my usual large black coffee, found a table, and sat down with my sketch pad in my lap and my phone on the table. When was Hunter going to get back to me? The messiness in his apartment increasingly worried me the more I thought about it. It was so out of character for him to leave things as untidy as he did. There was no way he would allow that if he were home for more than a few minutes at a time.
I looked around from my seat, hoping to find something or someone to sketch. As I scanned, I heard Hunter’s name above the general buzz in the shop. I found the source of the conversation after a moment’s search: two girls wearing pink sorority t-shirts sitting a couple tables over from mine. The girl on the left had her blonde hair in a sloppy ponytail, the one on the right had wavy shoulder-length hair.
“I thought he was dating that girl whose mom got murdered,” Ponytail said.
“Me too,” Wavy answered. “But Shannon said she saw him and Ada walking into the health center, and he didn’t look right, like he was really stunned or something.”
My spine straightened and I nearly dropped the coffee in my hand. I subtly tilted my ear to listen more closely.
“That’s weird,” Ponytail said. “Why would they be at the health center together?”
“I don’t know. They used to be a couple, right?”
Ponytail took a sip of her iced coffee. “Yeah, but that was like two years ago.”
Her friend twirled her hair. “Maybe they never totally stopped sleeping together.”
All the air left my lungs at once. I suddenly wished I was back in bed. This was rampant speculation, but I still hated it.
“I don’t know. Even if they still hook up sometimes, they wouldn’t go together to the health center. Unless―”
“What if she
’s pregnant?”
My skin prickled and the hairs on my neck stood on end. This was getting ridiculous.
Ponytail’s eyebrows shot up into her bangs. “Oh my god, no way.”
Her friend pounded the table, leaning forward. “Come on. How many explanations could there be?”
“I don’t know, that sounds crazy.”
“Then what could it be?”
“I don’t know,” Ponytail said, shaking her head.
“I mean it would make sense. I’m not saying it’s for sure, but it would make sense, and I’m not hearing any better explanations.”
“I guess.”
I couldn’t listen to any more. Hearing that Ada and Hunter had been seen together when I couldn’t even get ahold of him was bad enough. I didn’t need to listen to these two girls speculating on why they were together. They would always go for the craziest explanation. That’s how gossip was.
Still, as I packed up my stuff my stomach felt like I’d been punched repeatedly. Even if Ada wasn’t pregnant—and who knew, anything felt possible at this point—it was still pretty shady that they’d been together at the same time he had been impossible to get ahold of. I searched my brain for more reasonable explanations for why he’d been going with her to the health center. Maybe they’d just been having a great conversation and he’d wanted to continue it, so he walked with her while she picked up a prescription or something. Maybe he went with her to get the results of a test. Not a pregnancy test. Like a test for cancer, maybe. Shannon, whoever that was, could’ve also been lying.
Thinking about the possibilities wasn’t making me feel any better. Trying to figure this out without more information would only drive me crazy. I just had to add it to the already long conversation I was going to have with Hunter, whenever that fucking happened.
I finished packing up my sketchbook and headed for my dorm. Maybe being around people wasn’t so great after all.
Chapter Twenty-four
THE CONFRONTATION
Ponytail’s words echoed through my ears as I trudged through the snow toward Floyd Hall in my black winter coat and matching pom pom beanie. The sky was gray and snowflakes were falling lightly down. The weather guy on TV called this a “dusting,” if I remembered right. I had paid a lot of attention to the local weather when I was taking a break from school and living with my aunt and uncle. It was just the right amount of stimulation to get my mind off my mom for a couple minutes. That had been a relatively pleasant couple minutes at the time.