"Greg, I don't know. I have plans with my mom while I'm on the West Coast. I can't just pull out on her a week early," I said, grasping at straws. "When do they need my decision?"
"Wednesday at the latest, but listen, Nicole. I think it would be huge for your career. I know Chelsea plans on calling you too. We've never seen them foot the entire bill to send any author overseas."
I sighed. I knew he was right. The only problem was traveling this much was never my intention. I felt like I'd barely kept my sanity during this tour. The thought of taking on another month made me physically ill, especially in light of everything Alec and I gone through. I couldn't even begin to imagine how I would explain it to him. "I need to think about it Greg. They have to understand I have a life back home. There are a million things I'm already behind on. Not to mention my writing schedule has been for shit while I've been gone."
"I understand, Nikki Girl," he said. I flinched at the nickname. He sounded entirely too comfortable with it. "I just needed to lay it out for you. The ball is completely in your court. If you can't swing it, they plan on going with Kathleen Brock. Her agent has been on the phone with marketing all day, trying to get her that spot."
I bit back a groan. I'd met Kathleen briefly at a convention in August. We didn't exactly hit it off when she not so subtly hinted that someone my age had no business writing historical romance. Olivia had been with me at the time, and I had to physically hold her back. The inner demon in me wanted to accept just so Kathleen wouldn't get the spot. "Let me think about it. I'll call you in a couple days."
"Sounds good. I'll let everyone know. How's everything else?" he asked conversationally.
"Fine. I'll call you in a couple days," I repeated bluntly.
His response was slow to come and I thought maybe he'd hung up. "Okay," he finally dragged out before disconnecting the call. In light of the great day Alec and I just had, I wasn't in the mood to act like BFF's with Greg, especially after his declaration at the hotel before he left.
Tossing my phone aside with disgust, I eyed the bathroom door, pondering the best way to explain to Alec what had been offered to me. It was a daunting task.
The door opened and Alec walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist. "They want to send you on the road again," he stated. His hair was damp and sexy, just the way I liked it. How could I consider leaving him for another month when the only thing I wanted was to go home with him? I thought I had everything figured out. All the commitment and ready-made family issues that had freaked me out just a month and a half ago had been resolved in my mind.
"Yeah." I nodded, picking at the comforter on the bed. "They want to send me to the UK and Paris."
He sighed, leaning against the dresser. "They're killing us, babe. I can't very well go jetting halfway around the world with you. I'm ready for some normalcy. Plus, bet your ass that dickhead will figure out a way to go along."
I stood up and slid my arms around his waist. With my head rested against his chest I could feel the light thumping of his heart. "I'm ready to be normal too. I'm just afraid it'll hurt me if I turn them down."
"They're assholes for even putting you in this position. How long will you be gone?" he asked, running a hand along my spine.
"A month."
"Shit, seriously?" He shook his head, unsure of what to say. "I mean, what am I supposed to do? If you're gonna go, you're gonna go. I'll go back home and take care of things, I guess." He ran his hand over his wet head, a sure sign that he was frustrated. "I just have a sneaky feeling this won't be the last surprise trip this year. I'm not ready to throw in the towel on this relationship, but I'm not going to lie, I want you with me. Not constantly on the road."
I almost couldn't believe the words coming from his mouth. It was amazing to think how far we had come. Alec had been cautious from the beginning of our relationship. When things got serious he pushed me away, fearing a steady relationship would interfere with medical school. The fact that he was showing so much patience only proved how committed he was to keeping us together.
"I want that too, believe me. I'm going to work this out. After this event, I will not accept another one this year."
"What about those other two big events you were talking about? RT and BEA, or whatever they're called?"
"Damn, you're right," I said, groaning. In the midst of everything else that had happened during the past couple of months, I'd forgotten about how much I was looking forward to those two events. I was already signed up for both, so I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone by dropping out. "I'll fix it," I whispered, even though I had no idea how.
He nodded, cupping my face. "Don't stress about it, babe. I don't mean to freak out on you. This is your job. I realize that, but I'm also done talking about it right this second. I can think of a better way to spend our final hours together."
He tugged off my shirt and proceeded to show me what he meant. All talk of book events and travel schedules was suspended as we lost ourselves in each other's bodies.
***
I awakened the next morning an hour before my alarm was set to go off. Turning on my side, I studied Alec's features in the dim light. To me, he looked younger than his age when he slept. Maybe it was the boyish expression on his face. I wanted to reach over and touch him, but I resisted the urge, not wanting to wake him. During the past few days out relationship had seemed to reach a deeper level of emotional understanding. I felt complete and fulfilled being with him. In a few short hours I would have to hold on tightly to that feeling as we boarded planes going different directions.
I climbed carefully from the bed before I could cave in to the urge to cling to him and beg him to take me back home. Closing the bathroom door behind me, I decided to soak in a hot both, readying myself for the next few hours.
"You sure you have everything?" Alec asked two hours later, sweeping the room one last time with his eyes.
I smiled at how well he knew me. Despite my best efforts, I always managed to leave something behind at every hotel—a bikini top, the left shoe to my favorite pair of sandals, a book I'd been reading, earrings I got for Christmas. Personally, I blamed it on gremlins sneaking into my room and taking my things.
"Triple-checked," I reassured him, patting my pocket to make sure I still had my phone.
"Like that means anything," he chuckled.
"Well, obviously if I forget something this time it will be your fault," I replied, sticking my tongue out at him.
I'm sure our light banter was a mask to hide our true emotions. Anything we could do to prolong the inevitable sadness of saying goodbye at the airport.
The car I had prearranged was idling at the front of the hotel with our bags loaded into the trunk when we stepped outside, hand in hand. Alec held me snugly against him during the short drive to the airport. There wasn't a lot of traffic to slow us down, and before we knew it the driver was pulling to the curb at my terminal. Alec was flying out on a different airline and would be dropped off at a different location.
The driver hopped out to grab my bags from the trunk while Alec and I stepped from the car. "I'll call you when I land," I said, embraced in his arms. I could feel him nod, but he didn't comment. It was difficult to think of how unfair all of this was to him. He originally showed up in Philadelphia to propose to me. Instead, he walked into my betrayal and the sudden news of another month of me being away from home. Neither of us had mentioned the small jewelry box since the first time he pulled it out in the hotel room. Inside the box sat a symbol of our future together. A future I couldn't see, just as I hadn't yet seen the ring.
Alec tipped my head back and dropped a deep, lingering kiss on me. I slipped my tongue between his lips, wanting to taste him one last time. "I love you. And you belong to me," he said, against my mouth.
"Only yours," I murmured as my eyes filled with tears. I would never doubt him again. Hopefully he felt the same.
I walked away with my mind so wrapped up in Alec that I passed through se
curity in a haze. They could have asked me to strip down naked to be searched and I wouldn't have flinched. As I reached my gate, I searched for the most isolated seat I could find and slipped on my headphones to be alone with my thoughts, without interruption.
Chapter 22
My first few days in Seattle were mostly business as usual. I attended a large book event with multiple authors signing and then a dinner with my agent, Jillian, and a few other authors whom she represented who also attended the signing. Jillian made reservations at a swanky restaurant that specialized in sushi and other seafood delicacies that excited everyone but me. Raw fish wasn't my thing. The mere thought of it made my skin crawl. I stuck to something I was certain my stomach could handle, ordering noodles.
"I bet you're sick of being on the road," commented Jana, an author I'd been friends with on social media for years, as she dipped her California roll in sauce.
"You have no idea," I laughed, trying to make light of it.
"I talked to Remi yesterday," Jillian piped in. "She filled me in on some of the details of the overseas tour starting March first. They're throwing a lot of money at that one."
"So I'm told." My response came out with more bite than I intended, but I remained smiling, just in case. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the opportunity. Any author at our table would gladly trade spots with me. As a matter of fact, I had peers who would kill for an all-expense trip to Europe where you and your books would be featured, and yet, I couldn't decide if I even wanted to go. Complaining about it would make me look like the biggest asshole ever.
"Wow, you're going overseas now too?" Amy, one of the other authors, whistled. "I'd love to go to London, but damn that's a lot of travel. I've been gone for two days and I'm already itching to be home. I'm such a homebody. I like working in my pajamas every day and hiding from anyone who knocks on my door."
We all laughed, completely relating to her assessment. Working from home had its perks. I sat back in my chair, listening to everyone chatter about their different writing rituals and it made me realize how long it had been since I opened up my laptop. It was like they had doused my head with a bucket of cold water. Somewhere along the way between motion sickness on the Love Bus and dealing with relationship issues, I had lost touch with what I loved doing the most. Weeks had gone by since I looked at my current manuscript. My well of inspiration had dried up. Add to that a trip to the UK and I wouldn't even know how to begin again. For the first time in years, I didn't feel like a writer at all.
When I signed a publishing contract, I never considered that I would lose my passion for writing. Not that it was the publisher's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. If you would have asked me a year ago where I wanted to be as an author, I'm not sure I could have imagined the level of success I was now achieving, and yet, something about it scared me. I sat lost in my swirling thoughts, searching for the right answer. The problem being, there was no right answer.
The next day I spent some time with Jillian, shopping for the UK trip. The great thing about having Jillian as an agent was that even though she had a reputation as a pit bull when it came to negotiations, she really seemed to care about the personal lives of the authors she represented. I expressed my thoughts about my upcoming travel schedule and my feelings about losing touch with my writing. She offered her advice and was as understanding as I expected, stating that she would support me no matter what decision I made. Regardless, we continued to shop since my wardrobe from the Love Bus tour felt tired and worn. I had been recycling all the same outfits. Thank god for hotel dry cleaning. My plan was to buy some new things for the Europe trip and send the rest of my clothes home with Mom.
Jillian and I enjoyed the fortunate beautiful day of weather as we shopped, but a couple hours later, I ended up back at my hotel pretty much empty-handed. My heart just didn't seem to be in it. I reasoned that when Mom joined me the following day we could go shopping together. That was basically the point of her coming to the West Coast. That and our planned day trip to Forks.
I spent the evening in my room watching a marathon of Breaking Bad on TV, never even considering pulling out my laptop. My feeling was that until I got my head together, it would be a wasted effort.
Mom met me at baggage claim the next morning with her typical display of excitement until she took a look at my face."You look tired, honey."
"Hello to you too," I teased, giving her a tight hug. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have let go.
"Are you eating right? Sleeping enough? Taking your vitamins?" she rattled off, holding me at arm's length as she studied my features.
"Probably not, fair, and yes," I laughed, answering all three of her questions. I was thrilled to finally have her here. "I've missed you," I added, giving her another hug.
"Me too, sweetie. Your brothers and father are so disappointed your trip was extended, but don't think we are not extremely proud of you. You're turning into a big star right in front of our eyes."
"Not as disappointed as me," I grumbled, grabbing the handle of her suitcase. "You know what sucks the most is all the plans Olivia and I made. I feel like such a traitor going without her."
"She understands," Mom reassured me as we walked.
"I know. She was so supportive on the phone. It's just the trip was supposed to be our thing." Olivia and I had talked on the phone about the UK trip the first day I arrived in Seattle. She wouldn't be able to go because of some work-related issues, but she sounded thrilled for me nonetheless.
"You two still can go next year. Just think, you'll be a little more familiar after going yourself, and then you can show her all the places you discover."
That was Mom. The optimist in our family. She was a firm believer that the cup was always half full. Usually I was the same way, but recently I discovered I had become quite the Negative Nelly.
I didn't comment right away, waiting until she got herself situated in the passenger seat of the midsized sedan I rented for the trip. "Is it wrong that I'm not even excited about going overseas? I'd rather visit the orthodontist and have my braces put back on."
She patted my hand with a wide smile spreading across her thin face. I loved Mom's smile so much. It always held the power to light up any room. Dad liked to say Mom had fifteen different smiles and each one was beautiful in its own way. "A visit to see Dr. Steve for the dreaded metal you detested over a place you've always dreamed going to. It must be serious."
"I'm ready to come home, Mom. I miss all of you so much that I physically ache. I haven't seen my cat in months, and I almost lost the man I love. I feel like I'm on one of those spinning tunnels at the county fair. It keeps going round and round, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm sick of hotels and eating by myself, and I haven't been able to write every day like I love." I exhaled, practically dumping the words on her lap.
She sat quietly as we pulled up to the front of the hotel. A sharply dressed bellhop opened Mom's door before scrambling to the trunk to retrieve our bags.
"Okay, I need details," Mom said as I closed the door to our room after tipping the bellhop for bringing our bags. "What do you mean you almost lost the man you love?" She lowered herself into one of the cute upholstered chairs that sat on either side of a small cocktail table.
I plopped down in the matching chair and sighed, not even knowing where to begin. It only seemed right to tell her everything—my commitment issues during the holidays, my jealousy over Candace, and finally, my kiss with Greg. Mom sat silently as I exposed all the sordid details of the past several months.
"Honey, you're being too hard on yourself," she said after I ran out of steam. "A lot has happened to you in the last year. You met a wonderful young man, signed a multi-book publishing deal, traveled across the country to one event after another, and appeared on TV. That's an awful lot happening outside your normal comfort zone. You've always been a homebody. You like being with your things and following the same routine. I gotta tell you, sweetheart, as your mother, I'm proud of how well yo
u have adapted to this tour." I opened my mouth to argue with her, but she held up her hand. "No, listen to me. Anyone would have struggled with being on the road as long as you have, but you made it work."
"I kissed another man and almost lost Alec in the process. What does that say about me? I'm a dirty whore."
She laughed. "Nonsense. You're human, not a dirty whore. I'll never condone cheating when you make a commitment, but I also know things happen. When the jealousy beast takes over, things get ugly. Take my word for it."
The way she talked sounded like she had firsthand experience. During the summer, she and Dad had celebrated their twenty-seventh wedding anniversary. Anyone who knew my parents could attest to their unbreakable bond. I couldn't even imagine a scenario where either of them had strayed. The idea was ludicrous. "Is that your way of telling me you and Dad are dirty whores?" I was teasing, of course, expecting her to laugh, but she shifted in her seat without answering. "Mom!" I said, gaping at her.
"Mom," she mocked. "It was a long time ago, sweetie. You weren't even a blip on the radar. Your father and I were young once too. We made mistakes, but we learned from them. We found out the hard way how to respect each other. It's not something we're necessarily proud of, but we both feel that getting through those dark times is what has helped us maintain a strong relationship. It'll be the same for you and Alec. That is if you don't still have commitment fears. If so, that might be a sign that something else is wrong."
I shook my head. "I don't anymore. Not in the slightest. I think that was just cold feet. Then at the hotel when he pulled out that jewelry box, I wanted to look inside so badly. I was just too afraid to ask. The thought of being rejected terrified me. I realize I'll have to earn his trust back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
"I'm sure he knows that. You see? Sounds like you're already on the other side of the dark. Now, about the trip overseas. What happens if you tell them no?"